“Really?” I press. “Because you’ve been looking at me weird for the past five minutes.”
“I just…” she shrugs, looking embarrassed. “It’s just interesting, that’s all. Seeing you here.”
“Seeing me at a bar?” I ask, looking around the room. “We’ve been at lots of bars together, Ells.”
“Not the bar,” she says. “Here. At school. It’s a different environment and it’s…it’s interesting.”
I set my burger aside, not following her. “Interesting in what way?”
She definitely looks uncomfortable now. “I wondered if you would be different,” she says. “I guess that’s dumb. But I always imagined being on a campus like this…I don’t know. I thought the kids would be snobs and I would feel really out of place.”
“Do you feel out of place?” I ask. I hadn’t really gotten that vibe from her the entire day. But she shakes her head quickly.
“No. I felt really comfortable here today. And it surprised me.”
“And did I seem different to you?”
“Not at all.” Suddenly she smiles so bright it almost hurts. She’s so fucking beautiful when she smiles like that. “I realized that you’re Fred wherever you are.”
I laugh a little even though I would rather reach across the table and pull her into a kiss. “Is that a good thing?”
“Yes, God.” She tosses a napkin at me. “You’re so insecure. I’m trying to pay you a compliment.”
“The compliment being that I’m Fred. Got it.”
“It is a compliment,” she insists, her eyes narrowing in that way that says she means business. “You’re the same guy no matter who you’re with or what situation you’re in. Not everyone can say that, you know. It means you’re sure of yourself. It means you’re honest.”
I feel a lightness in my chest at her words—she clearly means them and I think it means a lot to her, what she’s trying to tell me. “Yeah?”
She nods. “Yeah. I think…you’re a good guy, Fred. That’s what I’m telling you. And I’m glad to find out that it’s not just an act.” She watches me for a minute, her eyes soft, before exaggerating a big sigh. “Can you please just say thank you so we can talk about something else?”
I grin. “Thanks, Ells. You were right—that was a compliment. A really fucking nice one.”
She grabs her beer. “You’re welcome.”
I concentrate on my burger for a while, feeling absolutely content. “Oh, I wanted to ask you,” I say, setting aside my empty plate. “Zoe said something about a Halloween party at Everett’s. Did you want to go to that?”
She shrugs. “I was planning on it.”
I wait for her to say more, to include me in her plans somehow, but she doesn’t. “Well, it’s on a Thursday this year, right?” I ask. “So I would be here. I just didn’t know if you wanted me to come down.”
“You should come if you want to.” I relax a little, happy, but she goes on. “Or don’t. Whatever you feel like.” She winks at me. “I know it’s a long drive, you certainly don’t have to make the trip just for me.”
“I don’t, huh?”
“Nope.” She scrunches up her face. “That would be boyfriend behavior, and you know how I feel about boyfriend behavior.”
She laughs to show me that she’s kidding, but I don’t join in. Instead, I reach for my beer, clenching my other fist. Just a minute ago she was blowing me away with her compliment. I’ve had people tell me that I’m nice before, that I’m a good guy. But the way Ellie said it, the sincerity in her voice—I know she doesn’t mess around with stuff like that. She really meant it, what she said. She doesn’t throw words like that around; they mean something to her. So her saying that had meant something to me, something bigger than I could ever tell her.
And now, just minutes later, she has to go and throw cold water on me. Just like that. Why does it always have to be two steps forward and three steps back with her?
And when am I going to decide that I’ve finally had enough of it?
Chapter Eighteen
Fred
“Did you remember to grab the beer?” I ask Jet, looking over my shoulder to the back seat.
“I got it. You reminded me like, five times.”
I hold up my hands, redirecting my attention to the road in front of us. “It’s your ass, man. Ellie specifically told me to remind you to bring it.”
My oldest friend snorts. “You’re so whipped, man.”
“This has nothing to do with being whipped and you know it.”
“You’re right,” he agrees, flipping on his turn signal as he approaches a stop sign. “It has more to do with the fact that you’re a giant wuss who is terrified of a girl.”
It’s my turn to snort. “Are you seriously going to try to tell me that you’re not afraid of Ellie Canter?”
He pauses before responding. “Now that you mention it, she is pretty goddamn terrifying.”
I laugh, relaxing back into my seat. “She could definitely kick either of our asses.”
“Good point.” We drive in silence for a few minutes before Jet speaks up again. “Ass kicking aside, how’s it going with you guys?”
I run my hands through my hair, not sure how to answer that. “It’s good,” I finally say for lack of a better description. “We have fun together.”
I can tell he’s looking at me out of the corner of his eye so I stubbornly keep my eyes trained on the road in front of us.
“You cool with that?” he asks, sounding slightly uncomfortable. Jet has never been one to talk about emotional matters, though he has been better lately—I blame Zoe.
“I don’t know, man,” I tell him honestly. “I wish we were…more, I guess. But I know she’s not into that, and we have a good time together, so what’s the point of complaining?”
“She’s still determined to keep it causal?”
I nod. “Yeah. And I have no idea when that will change.” If it will ever change, I think glumly.
“So long as you’re okay with it,” Jet says. “I just…”
“What?”
“I just want you to be sure that you are okay with it. And not just putting up with it because it’s what she wants.”
I stare out the window, wishing he hadn’t brought this up. I’d been looking forward to our poker game at the girls’ apartment all week. My work load with school and the internship were both picking up and I’d barely had time to talk to Ellie on the phone, let alone see her. And the longer we went without seeing each other, the more time I had to wonder about who she was seeing…
“See, dude?” Jet says, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’re totally not cool with it. You should see the look on your face right now.”
“I don’t really have a lot of choice, Jet.”
“Sure you do. You could tell her what you want.”
“And if she bolts?”
His voice softens. “Wouldn’t you be better off? To not be stuck in a situation that makes you unhappy?”
The thought of ending things with Ellie over something so stupid as our title makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Who said I was unhappy?”
“Your face just did, man.”
I shake my head. “Look, just because I would rather things were different between us doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what we have. I like hanging out with her. I like being with her. That’s enough for now.”
“Like I said,” he replies, shaking his head. “So long as you’re okay with it.”
“I am.”
He drops it, but I can’t get his words out of my head. Am I really okay with it? Does it matter? I’m certainly not willing to press the issue, not now. And I’m not willing to lose her over it. So I may as well put it out of my mind and keep on going like we have been. Does it suck to think that she might be seeing other guys? Absolutely. Does it bother me that I can’t fucking call her my girlfriend? Of course. But she makes me happy when I’m with her, and that’s all I really can care about.
/> We get to the girls’ apartment building just as the silence is starting to feel awkward. Jet turns off the car and is turning in his seat to pull out the beer before I speak again.
“She makes me happy, man,” I say, my voice low. It’s too personal a thing to say while making eye contact, so I stare out the side window at Ellie’s beat up old Honda a few spaces down. “She makes me not feel so worried or anxious all the time. She makes me forget about…about all the shit that usually won’t shut up in my brain.”
I can feel his eyes on the back of my head, but I don’t turn. Finally he clears his throat. “Well, I think that’s awesome. And if she really makes you feel that way, you should keep doing exactly what you’re doing.”
I nod once before opening my door and stepping out into the cool autumn air.
We find Zoe in the living room with Hunter and Everett. There are general calls of welcome when we enter the room and my eyes quickly scan the space for Ellie. “She’s in her room,” Zoe says softly as she passes me on her way to kiss Jet. I wink at her in thanks and head down the hall to Ellie’s room.
The door is half open but I still knock before entering. She’s sitting at her makeshift vanity, fiddling with her nose ring. I realize immediately that something is bothering her. There’s something tight about the expression on her face, something jerky in her movements. “Ells?”
She looks up and smiles at me so broadly I wonder if maybe I imagined it. “Hey! You’re here.”
She jumps up from the desk chair and immediately throws her arms around my neck, kissing me. “It’s good to see you.”
“You, too.” She kisses me again and once more I wonder what’s bugging her. She’s holding me just a little too tight and I think I can feel her arms trembling.
“You okay?”
She pulls back, her expression darkening a minute before she smiles again. “Course. You ready to get your ass kicked in poker?”
I don’t want to let it go so easily, but she’s already making her way to the door. “Ellie—”
“I hope you remembered to tell Jet to bring the beer,” she says sternly, heading out into the hallway. I’m slightly discomfited by the encounter but don’t have much choice except to follow her.
Joining the others doesn’t seem to affect her weird mood. Outwardly she’s happy, laughing, and teasing the way she always does. But I can tell there’s something off. She seems almost jumpy, dropping her cards several times, even knocking over a half empty can of beer. And she drinks pretty much continuously from the time we sit down at the dining room table until the game ends. Of course, none of that stops her from beating us all handily. But even her normal ceremonial counting of her winnings seems strange to me. She’s laughing too loudly, or maybe it’s the way her eyes keep darting around.
More than once I look at Zoe to see if she’s getting the same vibe—if she is, she’s not letting on. She laughs at Ellie’s jokes and flirts with Jet the same as always. When Ellie starts in on wanting to play a drinking game, I finally make eye contact with Hunter. He sees it, too, I realize. He shakes his head at me a little and a moment later, when he volunteers to fill up the chip bowl, I follow him into the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
Hunter sets the bowl on the counter and leans against it, crossing his arms. “I have no idea. She’s been weird all day.”
“Is it work?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. She seems pretty happy whenever she talks about it.” He pauses. “She was at her mom’s today.” It’s obvious from the way he casts his eyes down that he doesn’t know how much to tell me. I think of something Ellie told me once, about how Hunter is the most loyal friend she’s ever had.
“Does that usually upset her?” I ask. For all of our conversations about her past, I never really got the sense that she had a problem with her mom, immature or not.
Hunter finally looks up to meet my eyes. “Sometimes. Look, I don’t feel right getting into all of this with you, but if you get the chance to talk to her tonight, it might be a good idea. A lot of times when she acts like this she…she ends up doing shit that makes her feel bad later.”
I nod, thinking about the guy at my going away party. “I’ll make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble.”
He shakes his head, his mouth upturned a little. I get the sense he’s trying not to laugh at me. “She doesn’t need a babysitter. I just want you to be aware of her…pattern. In case she tries to take it out on you.”
I nod. “Okay. I appreciate it.”
Everett appears in the doorway. “Out of beer,” he says, holding up his can. “Where the hell are those chips, Hunt?”
I follow them out of the kitchen, catching Ellie’s eye as I make my way back to the table. She has a hard look in her eyes, like she’s trying to figure out if she should be pissed about something. I assume she knows I was talking to Hunter, so I smile at her and hold up my own fresh can of beer.
It appears that Ellie has managed to get everyone on board in the drinking game department while we were gone. We move into the living room while Zoe fetches a bottle of Jack Daniels.
We play a game called Kings, which is pretty fun and causes us all to get pretty much shit-faced by the end of the night, except for Everett, who’s the designated driver for the evening. It takes him a while to convince Hunter to get his coat on—Hunt seems perfectly happy to crash on the living room floor.
“Are you staying over?” Ellie asks, sliding up against me as we say our goodbyes. She presses her breasts against my chest in a not so subtle hint.
“Sure,” I tell her, taking her hand so I can draw her to my side. She immediately lets go and throws her arms around Everett’s neck. “Night, Ev!” she says, tossing her hair over her shoulder. He laughs and pats her back. “Drink some water before bed, Ells,” he advises. “You’re pretty far gone.”
She only laughs as she releases him and turns to hug Hunter as well. Once the guys have left, Zoe collapses into the couch. “I’m so freaking tired,” she says, yawning. “But I can’t go to bed when the room’s still spinning.”
Jet laughs. “I’ll make you a sandwich and we can watch a movie until you feel better.”
Zoe looks up at us. “You guys wanna join us?”
I look to Ellie, thinking it would probably be good for her to try and sober up a little before bed, but she’s already pulling on my hand. “No, I don’t feel like watching a movie,” she says. “Good night, you guys.”
“Night,” I call over my shoulder as she pulls me toward her room. As soon as she has the door closed behind us, she’s pulling at the zipper on my jeans. “Hey,” I say, taking a step back. She only follows me, grinning, her hands still fumbling with my fly. “Ellie, hang on.” I grab her hands in mine and she finally looks up at me. That hard look from before is back for a split second before she covers it with a grin and an arched eyebrow.
“I don’t think you’ve asked me to slow down before,” she says. “You feeling okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m a little surprised you’re still on your feet, to be honest. You had a lot to drink.”
She pulls her hands away as if I’ve burned her. “Is that a problem for you?”
“What? No, of course not. It was a party—”
“It sounds like it’s a problem,” she snaps. “In fact, your tone of voice sounded pretty damn judgmental.”
“I’m not judging you,” I insist, reaching for her. “You know I don’t judge you, not for anything.”
She allows me to pull her into my arms. As her head meets my chest I finally feel her relax. I realize that the tenseness I noticed in her muscles earlier has remained all night. Just as I’m about to release a relieved breath, she tenses again and pulls back.
“So, now that we’ve established I’m not too drunk to not know better, what do you say we revisit the subject at hand?” This time she reaches for my shirt hem. I hate stopping her, hate the look of hurt rejection that comes to her eyes,
but I know I can’t just pretend like everything is okay, like this is just another night. There’s something up with her, and there’s no way I’m having sex with her without knowing what it is.
“Ellie, what’s going on?”
“Why do you think there’s something going on?” she asks. “Am I not allowed to hit on you? I thought that’s what you were here for.”
“I’m here to spend time with you. And I think you’re upset about something and I want to know what it is.”
She rolls her eyes, stepping back. “Give me a break, Fred. You don’t have to play shrink on me, okay? I don’t need that kind of stuff.” She gives me a look I can only describe as nasty. “I’m not as fucked up as some people.”
I just want you to be aware of her…pattern. In case she tries to take it out on you.
It’s obvious she’s trying to pick a fight, just like Hunter had predicted, but that doesn’t stop her words from stinging.
“I’m not trying to play shrink.” I’m determined to keep my voice even. “I just want to know what’s going on.”
“Hunter put you up to this, didn’t he?” she crosses her arms over her chest. “Figures.”
“Hunter didn’t put me up to anything. You’ve been jumpy since I got here—of course I noticed.”
“So, I’m jumpy,” she shoots back. “I’ve had a hard week.” She takes a step toward me and her face is twisted up, not like Ellie at all. “Maybe I need to get laid, okay? And if you’re not going to help me with that, maybe I should go find someone who will.”
It takes everything in me not to reach out and grab her, hold her to me until she admits what the hell is making her act like this. Instead I take a deep breath and step back from her. “I can’t stop you from doing that. You’re a grown up and you can make your own decision. But I hope you sit here with me instead and talk about what the fuck is upsetting you so much that you’re doing your damnedest to hurt me.”
She stares at me for a long moment and I’m scared she’s going to bolt. Instead, she seems to deflate in front of me, just like she did the night of the going away party.
Escape With You Page 16
