by Jen Valena
“Samara is very beautiful.”
“I cannot admire her in that way.”
Ithia heard a strangeness in his voice. “What do you mean?”
Tyrsten took a deep breath and exhaled in entirety before answering. “In the Magian order, we take vows of asceticism. I have lived here since I was eleven, living the life of a robe-bearer, and eventually I will be a Sauvant. I am to take my final vows, which includes celibacy.”
A surge of disappointment pulsed in Ithia’s veins. However, it did explain his disappearing act. “At the Healing Springs, is that why Samara let you in the hut with me when I was unconscious and practically naked—and also why you said that you had no interest in me?”
“Yes. I had no interest in taking advantage of you.”
Ithia muttered to herself as she continued to walk, “Interesting choice of words.” She cleared her throat. “All Magians become celibate?” She paused. She didn’t want to imply a special interest in his sex life. “I mean—would I be expected to do that if I were to follow that calling?”
“Well, yes. There are ancient stories wherein a few broke tradition and took mates. They were banished. And even if they were not, the obligations on a Magian are great. We must focus all our attention on the people we aid. It would be immensely difficult to be at that level of service—as teachers, community spiritual guides and as individual counselors—and have a personal life. It would not be fair, to anyone, to take a mate.”
The more Ithia learned about the Magian lifestyle, the more she resented what was expected of her. The solitude felt unfair. “Sounds lonely.”
“At times.” Tyrsten avoided eye contact as he said this.
“Well, anyway, I don’t expect anything because of some vision of what we might have had before. Obviously, I have bigger issues to deal with—”
Tyrsten interrupted, “You are not expecting anything?”
“We don’t need to make this complicated. Continue teaching me. I dare say we will become friends during this, due to our past history together. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize your calling. Your vows are clearly important to you.” Ithia crossed her arms as a stern parent would. “We focus on the here and now, not what might have happened in other lives. Understood?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Tyrsten was wide-eyed, a little broad-sided by her command of the situation, but he smiled, relieved.
Ithia’s mind raced to memories of her recent behavior with him, and how she had asked him to comfort her while she tried to sleep. A dread of compromising his vows overcame her. “I’ve been inappropriate, haven’t I? When I asked you to hold me?”
His jaw clenched. “You have done nothing wrong.” Tyrsten advanced ahead of her, and in a few strides left her far behind.
Ithia let him go without a chase. Ithia now decided that her thoughts were all too often upon him. This wasn’t in their best interest.
✹ ✹ ✹
The rest of the day was easier—lighter. They even found themselves laughing. Now that they had a better understanding of the source of their connection and what roles they were to fill for each other in this lifetime, the tension lessened.
Huldo asked Anise, “What are these crazy kids going to do next?”
“They have more hurdles than we ever did,” Anise answered. “And they are not allowed to have what we take for granted.”
“All the Magians we know are gone. These two can change things, make new rules.”
Anise glared at him. “This is an old subject that Tyrsten is tired of hearing.”
“But that was before she showed up,” Huldo whined.
Anise shook her head at him.
Huldo conceded, “Fine. Then I am simply happy their silence has ended. I like it when the show unfolds instead of having to prod everyone to action. Although, a little prodding might be fun right now.”
“What are you getting at?” Anise eyed Huldo with playful sternness.
“Winter will soon be blowing in, we might as well take advantage of the last bit of decent weather and play a game of Backhand.”
Huldo and Anise convinced Ithia and Tyrsten that they needed to unwind. Ithia and Anise teamed up against Tyrsten and Huldo. Ithia had fun learning the rules that were a mix of keep-away and football. Datus and Nolan even joined in after seeing the game begin.
Ithia found herself laughing a lot which surprised her as she caught herself rubbing her sore facial muscles. It had been so long since she had smiled that much. She found it amusing how the rules constantly changed according to Huldo and what advantage he might gain by his amendments.
Ithia teased Huldo, “I thought that was against the rules a minute ago.”
Huldo laughed. “Only when you do it.”
Tyrsten concurred. Huldo and Tyrsten patted each other on the back.
Ithia was happy to see Tyrsten in a playful way. She hoped there would be more days like this, but in the back of her mind, she knew that was wishful thinking.
✹ ✹ ✹
Huldo, Tyrsten and Ithia ate together in the kitchen. Ithia wanted to ask Tyrsten why she had seen two animals in their meditation. She judged it was safe to speak about it in front of Huldo since he seemed to know about Tyrsten’s Raven. “The other night, why did I see two animals?”
“I did not mention that possibility before?”
“We can have more than one?”
Tyrsten explained, “Usually there is only one, but there are never more than two that live within you always. However, there are energies that work with someone on a temporary basis.”
“What is the difference?”
“When the animal merges with you, that is permanent. There are also signs in the form of animals in the physical and the dream world. You may notice hummingbirds flying around or that you keep running across snakes. They are signs for us to read. The coyote warned us of Dag’s deception.”
“Do people other than Magians have animal spirits?”
Huldo perked up. “We all have one. Unfortunately, it is becoming lost knowledge. Some are aware of them or work with the energy. I am one of those people. Once, we were all trained to at least identify our animal spirit.”
“You can’t tell me what your animal is, can you?” She was hoping, because of her curiosity, but wasn’t expecting an answer.
“Mine is Weasel.”
Though tempted to tease him about his animal, she stopped herself. “What does Weasel represent?”
“Well, the energy is about slyness and secret circumvention.” Huldo grinned sneakily and leaned forward in confidence. “I squeeze through a tight fix. I have an ability to uncover what others do not see. And for good measure, I am fierce when under attack.”
No wonder he was able to get me to confess my deepest secrets. It was an attribute of his animal spirit.
Her mind flashed back to the bluff caves where Tyrsten had found her. “Wait a minute, your animal, I sensed its presence—in the caves when I was taken! I felt a tiny paw.”
Tyrsten raised his eyebrows in shock, “I have never sensed another person’s animal spirit.”
“I thought you were going to eat me alive!”
They laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
“I touched your hand to see if you were all right.” Huldo patted his belly. “Even though I have quite an appetite, I probably would have only nibbled on a finger or two.”
Ithia pulled her hands down to hide them under the table in mock shock. “So, these spirits become one with us?”
“There is no true separation,” Tyrsten said. “They are a projection of our souls.”
“What do your animals mean?” Ithia asked.
“The gray Wolf deals with guardianship, ritual, loyalty and spiritual abilities such as being highly psychic. The Wolf is also a teacher, able to travel great distances,” he paused, “and mates for life. In lore from both our worlds, it is often associated with Raven.”
She glossed over the mating comment. “The Wolf is connected to the Raven?”
“Well, in my case—definitely. Raven is the aerial eyes for the Wolf. They work together.”
“But what does the Raven mean?”
“He is a shape-shifter and magic. A problem solver. He is not easy prey for others. He gives form to the unformed.”
“Gramps told me a legend of Earth’s Pacific Northwest that said Raven stole back the sunlight from the one who would keep the people in darkness. Nothing could exist without Raven.”
“Ah, yes. I was taught that Earth legend among many others. And I stole you away from Garrick’s men—it must be in my nature to usher a shining light back into the world.”
8 ✹ Ithia’s Lessons
Immortal by our vibrations, our thoughts, our words, our loves and fears.
Echoing and flowing forever into space
with only angels and nebulas to capture our energies.
— Ithia Sydran
Tyrsten and Ithia’s daily excursions into the woods for meditations were a topic of gossip around the Vihar. Some speculated the Magian couple had gotten too familiar with each other, and Tyrsten was losing his convictions. Tyrsten had taken up wearing his novice monk’s garb of all black to remind everyone, perhaps largely himself, of those convictions.
Feron was the only one who didn’t participate in the gossip. He said it was enough that they were both talking again. When people asked him what he thought, he would answer, “Whatever will be, will be.” He had learned the line from Ithia and took up the habit of using it to answer a lot of questions.
The Kian Vihar was going to be quiet for the next few days. Feron, donning his soldier’s regalia, had gone to a nearby town, Wayton, to discover what Garrick had been up to recently. Huldo and Anise were to gather supplies—grains and other odd necessities found only outside the sanctuary. The six other current Vihar inhabitants embarked on a hunt for food to last through winter, leaving Tyrsten and Ithia to themselves.
Tyrsten and Ithia waved goodbye from the Vihar’s main entrance as the others exited through the maze. Nolan gave them a lingering glare as he rode off. He’s trouble, Ithia thought, although he had been friendlier recently.
Tyrsten was excited to be rid of distractions. Once the others had disappeared into the trees, he turned to Ithia. “Now that we have them out of the way, we can get it on.” He slapped his hands together enthusiastically.
Ithia stood nonplussed for a long moment and then couldn’t help but laugh.
Tyrsten stared at her, confused. “What?”
“We need to train you on my colloquialisms.”
✹ ✹ ✹
Tyrsten led her into the meditation room. “Your formal training begins now.”
“Weren’t the meditations part of my training?”
“Yes. An important part. They are meant to prepare you. A clear and present mind is the way to handle what we are capable of.” He tapped his temple. “Otherwise we can be overcome by the energies we work with. Often our bodies are overwhelmed when we first access the Source directly. Focus is key to mastery.” Tyrsten tightened his lips. “Training to become a Sauvant involves up to twenty solar-turns. Unfortunately, I was only in the first phase, the inner work, the Seer skills. I was readying myself to be initiated into a deeper level—the Mysteries—training in more active aspects of our abilities. I began to study this next level when my teacher disappeared.”
They sat down opposite each other on cushions. “I want you to understand that what you think of as your powers are not your powers at all.”
“I’m confused. You said most people can’t do what we do.” She was sure she hadn’t been dreaming during all the supernatural occurrences.
“Yes, but we can get caught up in our egos. If we believe we are better or more powerful than others for developing our Magian skills, then arrogance is born.” Tyrsten spread his arms wide to indicate the world around him. “We are all equal, but working with different aspects of our personal growth. We are not the source of the power and cannot claim it.”
“I’m like a vehicle for the energy that flows through me?”
“Yes. You, so far, have an innate ability to be a conduit. Magians can access the surrounding energies, usually through a natural phenomenon or any other accumulation of Pramna—energy from the Source. Now to develop one’s skills, one must release negative patterns, anything that clouds judgment and leads to misinterpreting visions. In life, I am sure you have noticed, we run across the same themes—in our relationships with people and ourselves. The same issue shows itself over and over until we resolve it. You may have to repeat this same exercise several times in order to identify a root cause. Then you move beyond the lesson. That is the challenge.”
Ithia fretted with the hem of her skirt. She did not want to go mucking around her issues with Tyrsten. She sucked in a breath. “How do I release these issues?”
“First, accept that you have a negative karmic theme—a challenge that troubles you. Now, pick one.”
“Anything?” She asked as her eyes narrowed.
“I trust you will pick something appropriate.”
Ithia’s mind kept lingering on how Tyrsten left her alone. She needed to figure out why it had bothered her so much.
“Do you have something?” She nodded, and he continued, “Close your eyes and see this issue play out in your mind. Imagine that you are placing that issue in the base of your spine, in your root chakrum. See how it feels there.”
“Root chakrum?”
“Earth sometimes calls it a Chakra, an energy center of the body. There are seven primary energy centers. Your knowledge of them is not needed for this to work.”
Ithia focused her issue into her root chakrum. She saw now when Tyrsten had disappeared, she was hurt because she was scared. Her very survival was at stake, and he had left her.
“Now move this issue up your spine to below your belly button and let it rest there.”
He didn’t want to be connected to her. She was undesirable, rejected, something to run from. She wanted to cry, but held it in.
“Now bring the issue up to your body’s center at the base of your sternum.”
She was powerless. He just left her—alone and lost. She had no control over the situation. She was discarded—vulnerable—nothing.
“Now into your heart.”
Ithia felt she must not be valuable enough to the people who had been in her life. She was an open wound. Her heart could not be healed by the ones who wounded her. Why did Gramps always leave me for his damn humanitarian trips when I needed him? Why wasn’t he ever truly there for me? Why did he leave me forever? Her lip quivered.
“Bring it to your throat.”
She choked. Words were not enough. Her cries in the night were never answered. Never would be answered. She called to them. They never came. They never heard her.
“To your third eye.”
And then They appeared—in her mind—her parents. She had never seen a picture of them, a fact odd to her only now. It had been as if they never existed as if they were a figment of her imagination. Yet she knew they must have existed at one time. Why didn’t they stay with me? Why did they die? I hate them for leaving! Wasn’t I worth sticking around for? Tears seeped from the corners of her eyes.
“Now to the crown of your head. This is where you will forgive whatever it is that holds you back.”
Ithia held the image of her parents in her mind, and to her own surprise, she forgave them for abandoning her. She forgave herself for hating them. Then she forgave herself for all the people she pushed away, so they could not leave her first.
“Now let it go.”
She saw a door open up that hovered an arm’s length above her. She understood that through this door—her parents, Gramps, and all the people in her life—all had gone. And now Tyrsten was walking through that door.
This time she knew they weren’t abandoning her, but it was their time to move on. She wanted relationships with people to be a gloriously structured waltz but
mostly it was a chaotic mess in a mosh pit. It was time to live a different way—to no longer play the role of an abandoned victim.
Tyrsten left the room to give her the space and time to process what she had just worked through.
It dawned on Ithia how she had wrapped her emotions up so tightly that she hadn’t seen her pain over her parents’ absence. She had chosen to ignore it. Locked in this withdrawn attitude all these years, she had discovered something valuable—solitary strength. Resilience. But the pain, although repressed, infected all her relationships.
With these new friends, she had begun to feel what a family might be like. It was okay that she secretly wanted support. She wanted true connections.
Gramps had been gone most of the time. And her nanny had been emotionally distant—a poor substitute for a parent. Ithia had no community, no structure. For the first time, in the midst of the Vihar’s camaraderie, it dawned on her how alone she had always been.
She caught her reflection in the mirror and forgave the crying child inside her that pushed others away.
✹ ✹ ✹
“How are you feeling?” Tyrsten asked Ithia as he sat down at the kitchen table with a healthy serving of steamed vegetables.
Ithia poured herself a glass of water, but leaned against the counter instead of joining him. “Better. The meditation revealed things about myself that I never wanted to deal with before. I push people away so that I won’t get hurt. It’s only since meeting you that I’ve begun to resist that behavior. Maybe it’s because of something that happened during the Actuation.” Ithia peered out the window, avoiding eye contact. Face your issues! She chastised herself and turned back to Tyrsten. “But my emotions have come to the forefront.”
“Perhaps both of our emotional upheavals were due to your unprepared Actuation. However, they were likely intensified by our Khata—our past stories.” Tyrsten idly poked at his plate of squash. It was his turn not to look the other in the eye. “I was a still pond, and you are a current that has stirred up this life.”
