by Lexi Ryan
“Shh,” he whispers.
“Colton,” I whisper against his fingers. Thank God he’s alive. A tear slides from the corner of my eye.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you.” He drops his hand from my mouth. “But they don’t believe that, do they?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Do you? Do you think I want to hurt you?”
I shake my head again. His words are hot against my ear, and I’m torn between wanting to curl into him and wanting to shove him away. “But someone does. Someone did.” I’m shaking now, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared or because this is all suddenly too intense. Maybe I’m not scared for myself at all. Maybe I’m shaking because I’m so grateful he’s alive.
He wraps his arms around me tighter and squeezes so hard that it’s almost painful. “I would never hurt you.” He kisses the side of my neck, a gesture so sweet and tender that I tremble beneath his lips. “I love you,” he says. “Do you still love me?”
I open my mouth, but I don’t know how to answer that question. I love him. I’ll probably always love Colton. He was my first real love and the father of my child. But that’s not what he means. There are some breaks that no amount of healing can mend.
“You’re breaking my heart,” he whispers. “Are you in love with him?”
I won’t offend him by asking who he means. We both know he’s talking about Levi, and we both know it’s a reasonable question. I love Levi, but am I in love with Levi? Maybe the distinction is nothing more than semantics, but it seems important.
Colton presses his lips to my neck again, then bites me softly in that same spot before pulling away. “I saw you out on the dock with him. Was he touching my girl?”
“I’m not yours.”
“Is that a yes?” He grazes his knuckles down my side. “Fuck, I miss you. I miss this body.” He buries his nose into the crook of my neck, and my mind flashes with a thousand memories of times he’s done this before, the way I always felt safer in his arms. Wanted and cherished. “I miss the way you smell, and the way you scream when I make you come.”
Maybe I shouldn’t let him touch me. Maybe I should lunge out of his arms. Instead, I stay perfectly still, too afraid this might all be a dream to risk jarring myself awake. I was terrified he might be dead somewhere, but he’s here, the heat of his body proving he’s very much alive. Thank you, God.
“Does he know how you like to be touched?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Colton, don’t.”
“He’s wanted you from the beginning, and now he finally has you.”
Does he have me? Because it feels like Levi and I are dancing around each other, marking time until I remember more. I wish I could see Colton’s face. I want to see the life in his eyes, to reassure myself that this isn’t some bizarre hallucination brought on by my injuries. But I can’t deny that even as I stand here in Colton’s arms, my mind, body, and soul tell me I belong with Levi.
I’m so sorry, Colton. But I can’t say it, can’t explain, so I say, “Everyone is looking for you. Why are you hiding?”
He tenses behind me. “Because it’s not safe.” His voice is rough—the sound moving like gritty sandpaper over the delicate sounds of the lake. “But it will be soon. I just have to figure out who hurt you.”
“You don’t know?”
“I’m working on it. I don’t want you to stay with Levi, but you should anyway. He’ll protect you. Don’t trust anyone else. And when I can come home, I’ll win you back.” The hand on my side slides around to my stomach, and I wonder if he’ll catch the broken pieces of my heart. “I’ll earn the life we planned together.”
Ellie
Sunday, August 26th
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I’m curled up on my couch. I haven’t moved since Colton walked out the door. I’m not sure I’ve breathed, except that I’m still here, still conscious, still wondering if I missed the moment my life went so completely off the rails. Either I’m still breathing or I’m in purgatory.
I blink up at Ava. I have no idea how long I’ve been staring off into space. “What time is it?”
“Just after one.” She walks toward me tentatively then slides a big white box onto the couch beside me. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Did you and Colton talk at all?”
I graze my fingers across my faux-fur throw pillow and watch the short strands part and then bounce back together. I can’t look at Ava. Right now, she has torn loyalties. Sure, she’s my best friend, but she’s Colton’s sister. I’m pretty sure sister trumps friend.
“Did he tell you anything?” she asks.
I pull my knees to my chest and rest my forehead against them.
“Ellie?”
I lift my head and look at her. “I saw him with Molly last night.”
“I know you did. Levi told me at breakfast, but just because they were together doesn’t mean they’re having an affair.”
“You think they were just talking about Noah? About his kid?”
She blinks at me, and my stomach sinks into the carpet. She knew. Ava knew Noah was Colton’s, and she didn’t tell me.
“What can I do? How can I help?” Her eyes glisten with tears when she looks at me.
“Any chance you can rewind time so I don’t get pregnant?”
“Don’t say that.” She puts her hand on top of mine, and I pull mine away. “Everything else might be crazy, but this baby is a gift.”
“Even if its father won’t be around? Even if I’m going to struggle to provide the most basic things?”
“We’ll figure it out. Together. I promise you, I’ll stay by your side if you’ll let me. You just have to tell Colton. It’s not fair to keep this secret.”
“Like Molly kept Noah a secret from him? Like you two kept Noah a secret from me?”
She bites her lip. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t my secret to tell.”
“You knew there was an undetonated bomb sitting in the middle of my world, and you didn’t tell me because it wasn’t yours to tell?”
She nudges the box toward me. “I brought a peace offering.” When I don’t reach for the box, she opens it. “I always go see Star when I’m having a bad day, but after what I heard about last night, I thought . . .”
“That is a shit-ton of donuts.”
“It’s the only way I know how to apologize,” she says softly. “Flowers are nice, but they don’t change anything. But these . . .” She waves to the box in front of her. “It’s like they’re full of hope and possibility.”
“I think you mean sugar,” I say, but my mouth is quirking into a smile. Despite the secret she kept, I’m lucky to have Ava. She’s my very best friend in the world, and while she might be completely naïve when it comes to her brother, I’d have to be an idiot to push her away from me.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I thought I was doing the right thing. When I found out you were pregnant, I should have told you about Noah or made Molly tell you or something. I was surrounded by secrets—your pregnancy, Molly’s child. I didn’t know what to do.” Her brow creases. “I can’t handle you being mad at me.”
“It’s not your fault, Ava. We all have secrets and we’re all a little screwed up, but it’s not your fault.”
“You forgive me?”
“Of course I do. I’m just having a really shitty weekend.” I keep my gaze on the donuts so I don’t have to meet her eyes. My stomach’s a little off this morning, so I pick a plain glazed one instead of one of Star’s richer chocolate ganache specialties.
“What’s up with the trash bags?” she asks.
“That’s Colton’s stuff. I kicked him out this morning. He left without it and hasn’t come back. He’s avoiding my calls, so . . .” I shrug, as if it’s nothing, as if needing to tell Colton that I’m pregnant with his child is no big deal. “He was pissed, but I . . .” Tears spring to my eyes
again.
“I’m sorry he’s an idiot. You’re my person, okay? Don’t forget that. No matter what happens between you and Colt.”
“Thank you,” I say. “I needed to hear that right now.”
Her phone rings. She fishes it from her purse and swipes it to answer before holding it to her ear. “Hello?”
I nibble at my donut and stare longingly toward the kitchen and my unused coffee pot. I drank half a cup at Jake’s this morning, so I can’t have any more. No caffeine, no alcohol, and all the hormones. Pregnancy is surely testing me.
“Hi, Jill,” Ava says. She frowns and looks at her watch. “That is weird. Have you tried his cell?”
“Is everything okay?” I whisper.
Ava turns up a palm and makes a face. “Sure. That makes sense. I can call him too. . . Okay. Yeah. I’ll call you if I hear from him. Thanks. You too.” She taps her phone to end the call then taps on it a couple more times before bringing it back to her ear. “Dad didn’t come home last night, and he’s not answering Jill’s calls.”
I hear the single ring before it clicks over to voicemail.
“Dad, it’s Ava. Call me when you get this, okay?” She ends the call and slides her phone back into her purse as she worries her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Do you think he’s okay?”
“Jill said it’s not the first time this has happened. He likes to drink, you know, so sometimes . . .” Ava shakes her head. “She’s worried. I can’t blame her, but I’m sure he’s fine.” She grabs a salted caramel donut from the box.
Thinking about Nelson makes my heart ache. Where would I be today if Colton hadn’t stolen those paintings? If he hadn’t triggered me to leave the gallery and his father’s control? Ava doesn’t know the truth about the kind of man her father is, and once I felt guilty for keeping it from her. As the years passed, I understood it was for the best. It’s easier to protect Ava from what she doesn’t see.
“I’ll tell Colton about the baby,” I say, picking at my donut. “But this is about more than what I saw last night. Colton still lives here, but he left me two months ago.” I shrug. “Even if he has a good reason, it doesn’t change that it happened.”
“You and Colton can get through this and come out stronger,” she says. “I know you can.”
I drop the remainder of my donut in the box. “What if I don’t want us to come out of this together? What if sometime in the last two months, I left him too?”
Levi
I don’t know what I’m looking for when I walk into Jackson Brews, but when I spot Ellie at the bar, I know I’ve found it. Her legs are crossed at the knee; one black heel is hooked to a stool rung, and the other is dangling from her toes. She has on one of those fitted black skirts she likes to wear for work—the kind that comes down to her knees but hugs every inch of ass, hip, and thigh from here to there. The kind that makes my mouth water and my hands itch to touch.
She’s having his baby.
She’s sitting alone, her head bowed, her hand wrapped around her glass like its contents are the path to her salvation. She probably needs a drink about as badly as I do right now. But she’s pregnant, and the only thing I’m interested in getting drunk on is her.
I tuck my hands into my pockets and head to the bar, sliding onto the stool next to hers. “Good afternoon, sunshine.”
“Hey.” She cuts her eyes to me and smiles, but it’s not a real Ellie smile. Not the ear-to-ear, stretched-out grin I’ve spent two years watching her give my best friend. It’s not the smile that brightens her eyes every girls’ night.
I look at her glass. “I can’t decide if you’re working on a small glass of water or a large glass of vodka.”
She arches a brow. “Isn’t the glass the same size either way?”
“Nope. That would be a lot of vodka.” I make a show of squinting and holding fingers up beside it. “Like, five shots?”
She laughs. “Good thing it’s water, then. Hydration is the key to clear skin, you know.”
“Right.” I’m not sure I remember a day Ellie stepped into Jackson Brews and opted for hydration over alcohol. If she’s been drinking water all summer, how did I miss the truth?
She rubs her bare arms. “Colton is Noah McKinley’s father.”
I nod. “Ava told me this morning.”
She flinches. “I wish she would have told me.” A single tear slips from the corner of her eye and rolls down her cheek. “I feel so damn alone.”
I want to reach out and brush it away so badly that the pain of holding back cuts through me. “Did Colton move out?”
“All his stuff is still there, but he walked away and now he’s not returning my calls.” She shrugs and wipes away her tears. “He says he didn’t sleep with her. Maybe he didn’t.”
“Maybe.” I wave to Cindy and point to the bourbon. I’ve been thinking about Colton’s strange behavior a lot since Ellie knocked on the door last night. I want to believe he’s just an ass who doesn’t deserve Ellie, but I know him too well for that. “I’m starting to wonder if he found out about the kid and fell off the wagon.”
She meets my eyes.
Ellie and I know Colton’s secrets—or at least more than most people do. We know how he used to dabble in drugs and how he’s had to fight to keep them from controlling his life. He’s clean most of the time, but he’s never been the kind of guy who could hide it when he wasn’t. When Colt falls, he falls hard.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” I’m afraid to ask, but not knowing something doesn’t actually keep it from being true.
“I found some pills.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “It’s hard to guess what else he’s hiding. Why keep the kid a secret from me? Why freak out and have an affair with his baby’s mama?” She shakes her head. “None of this makes sense. He’d worked so hard to get clean and then just threw it all away because he found out he was a father?”
I drag a hand through my hair and squeeze at the tension at the back of my neck. “He thinks you and I slept together last night.”
“He knew I was with you and assumed something happened. I was so angry that I didn’t deny it.” She swirls the water in her glass. “Sorry to put you in the middle of all this.”
I shake my head. “I don’t mind. Tell me what I can do to help.”
“Tell me I can do this alone.” She meets my eyes. “Tell me I can be a single mom and somehow give my baby a better childhood than my mom could give me.”
There it is. I close my eyes and let the gut punch of the truth from her lips reverberate through me.
“Like mother, like daughter, right?” Her laugh is dry. “Jesus. I sound pathetic.”
“You don’t.” I meet her eyes—bright blue and full of tears. “And you’ll be amazing. I promise you won’t be doing this alone.”
“That’s what Ava said, too.”
Ava and Jake both knew but I didn’t. Fuck, aren’t we all just swimming in secrets.
“I’m scared. I keep thinking I should consider adoption, but . . .” She places her flat hand to her stomach. “I might be too selfish for that. I never thought I’d be that girl, but here I am.”
“I’m sorry.” It’s a lame-ass thing to say, especially when I’m not sorry she’s here with me. I’m only sorry he’s hurt her. “Damn, I feel helpless. I’m a Jackson. If I can’t fix it with a strong cup of coffee or a good beer, I wanna fix it with my fists, but somehow I don’t think giving your baby’s father a black eye is going to help anything.”
“Can we just get out of here?” She wraps her hand around my wrist, and something knots hard in my gut.
“Where do you want to go? We could visit Star and see what she has on special? Or maybe dinner?”
She shakes her head. “I was thinking more out of here than that. I need some space from everyone so I can screw my head on straight and figure out what’s next.”
I blink at her. “Yeah. Sure. I know just the place.” My voice cracks, and maybe it’s the guilt I�
��ve been ignoring pressing down on me. Because there are rules that say you don’t run away with your best friend’s girl. You don’t bail on the friend who’s using again. You don’t help her distance herself from him, and you sure as fuck don’t relish the idea of having her alone when she’s having his baby.
Rules. I plan on ignoring every one of them.
Ellie
Levi and I walk around the back of the bar to his red pickup truck. He gives me a crooked smile as I buckle in. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“Somewhere to cheer you up.” He shifts gears, and we’re rolling.
We don’t talk on the drive, but with the music playing and the windows down, it doesn’t feel quiet. Just easy. And when we pull off the interstate onto a county road just west of Grand Rapids, I know where we’re going.
“The cabin?” I ask over the roaring wind.
He gives a sharp nod.
His family has a cabin on some land between Jackson Harbor and Grand Rapids. They go there as often as they can—for holidays, long weekends, or even the occasional Friday night bonfire. I’ve been a guest for various Jackson family occasions, but never without Colton.
We pull onto the long private drive at the front of the property, but instead of keeping right and heading to the house, Levi stays to the left and follows the road around the lake to the opposite side. The road turns from gravel to dirt and seems to stop randomly. Levi continues onto the overgrown grass and throws the truck into park right beside the lake.
I smile at him. “Are we avoiding the house for some reason?”
He shrugs as he pulls the keys from the ignition. “I figured you hadn’t been over here before, but we can go to the house if you want.”
I shake my head. “No. This is kind of nice, actually.”
He waves to the lake. “Have a seat and enjoy the view. I’m going to build a fire.”
