by Jade West
“Shh,” he breathed into my ear. His lips were soft against my cheek, peppering their way to my mouth. I kissed him deep, kissed him hard, and he was right back at me, crushing my head into the covers underneath.
Yes…
I wrapped my legs around his hips, my arms around his shoulders.
Yes…
His cock pressed to my slit, teasing.
Yes…
My legs squeezed, coaxed him, but he held back. I stared into his eyes and they were so hungry, so feral.
Please… Please fucking fuck me…
He broke the kiss. “I need to grab a johnny,” he whispered. “To be safe.”
But I didn’t want to be safe. I didn’t want to be safe at all. I wanted to be reckless, and crazy, and free. I shook my head.
“I’ve got an app,” I whispered. “With dates…”
He stroked my cheek, his eyes serious. “I’m clean…”
I nodded. “I want you… I want to feel you…” He kissed me as he pushed inside and it was the most incredible feeling, his dick filling me up, filling me raw. “Please,” I hissed. “Oh God, Darren, please…”
“What?” he whispered, his voice ragged. “What do you need?”
I pressed my palms to his cheeks. “Take me,” I said. “Take me like I’m yours, take me like you mean it.”
“Oh I fucking mean it.” His voice was raspy, that caveman edge to it I loved so fucking much.
He pulled out and flipped me onto my front, practically tore my dress off over my head. He unclipped my bra and pulled it free, then shunted me further onto the bed and stretched my arms out over my head. He grabbed my wrists and held them in position, his weight keeping me still. He pinned my legs together with his and slammed his cock in my tightened pussy in one thrust.
Oh fuck.
His full weight was behind him, his dick thumping all the way inside me. I could feel his balls against my ass, tight between us, his hips rolling for leverage, deeper and deeper.
He didn’t pull out, just stayed there, circling his hips wider and wider, his cock straining to loosen my pussy but achieving nothing, my legs were pinned shut too tightly.
The pressure built, his hips thrusting and rolling as I moaned into the bedcovers, praying I didn’t wake the girls. It ached, a glorious ache, the urge to pee becoming too much to bear.
“I need to…” I began, but he shook his head at my shoulder. “Darren… I need to…”
“Take it,” he breathed. “Fucking take it, Jodie.”
He thrust hard, and I whimpered. A good whimper.
“Shh,” he hissed. “Take it…”
I nodded, breathed into the bedcovers. “Fuck me, Darren… hard…” I could hardly hear myself, but he could. He adjusted, braced himself on his spread knees and took a breath. He took both of my wrists in one hand and used the other to gag me. His palm pressed tight to my lips, fingers gripping my cheeks and holding firm.
And then he fucked me.
He fucked me so hard the bed shook and creaked under us. He fucked me so hard I was sure the girls would hear us. His skin slapped against mine, and my pussy took all of him. He slammed and then he circled, alternating over and over until I was a squirming wreck underneath him. My pussy felt weird, achy, desperate to piss, but there was another feeling, something deep and crazy and threatening to blow.
“Let it go,” he breathed. “Let it happen, Jo…”
Let what happen?
Oh… Oh, that…
My pussy exploded with crazy sensation. My body turned tense and thrashed under him, my head flying back and pressing against his shoulder. He kept his hand tight to my mouth, wouldn’t let me escape. Just a hiss of breath and a couple of muted squeaks as I came, and that made it all the more intense.
I strained. Strained against his palm. Strained for breath, strained for the freedom to squeal out my pleasure and ride the waves, but he didn’t let go. He kept fucking me, driving me higher, ploughing that spot inside that was driving me to insanity. I thrashed all over again as the next wave ripped through me, and this time I felt wetness, a splash of heat between my clamped thighs.
“That’s it,” he hissed. “Fuck, Jo, yes…”
My breath was raspy through my nostrils, my face hot against his hand. Damp hair stuck to my forehead.
I was rigid as he circled his hips all over again, my body spasming and shaking under him.
“Fucking beautiful,” he said, “Just fucking beautiful.”
Another gush of heat between my legs and my pussy had taken on a life of its own. He slammed hard, his breath in grunts, so fucking deep that my pussy was squelching with every thrust.
And it felt so good, so horny, so fucking dirty.
Again, and I flailed. Again, and I kicked my legs out, my whole body trembling with uncontrollable sensations.
“Gonna come,” he hissed. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna come…”
Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes!
Come inside me…
I’d have said it if I could. I’d have said the crazy stupid words on my tongue without a second thought.
Come inside me, Darren… come inside me…
“Fuck, Jo, this feels too good…”
I felt him come – his mouth to my neck, his breath hot and wild. His thrusts were desperate, his skin sweaty as it pressed against mine.
Yes! Oh fuck, yes!
I felt his balls tightening against my ass, his thighs clenched and solid.
Yes!
We jerked and writhed and quivered on the bed, bodies pinned together as we rode the wave. He slammed all the way inside to shoot his load – hissing out expletives as he filled me up.
Oh God. Oh God yes!
He collapsed onto my back, his skin warm, heart thumping against my ribs. His breath was loud in my ear and mine was loud against his palm. He took his hand from my mouth and wrapped it around my waist and pulled me onto my side and into his arms.
He held me. He held me in our old bed like it was old times, smoothing the hair from my sweaty face like he’d done a thousand times. I rolled into him and pressed my cheek to his chest, listened to his racing heart.
And then I felt the dampness under my ass. I squirmed away enough to pat the sheets and they were soaked, ridiculously soaked. Embarrassment flooded worse than I had, but he brushed all that away when he pulled me back into his arms.
“I made a mess,” I whispered.
“A hot mess,” he whispered back. “It’s a good mess, Jo, believe me.”
He tugged the bedcovers from under us and shifted us into a sleeping position.
“I’ll take the wet patch,” he said.
I grinned.
He left me long enough to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, then settled back into bed and pulled me against him like he always used to do.
“We’ll have to be up in the morning,” I said. “Before the girls… before they…” I lowered my voice. “Can you set your alarm?”
He nodded. “Already done.”
I smiled. “Goodnight then,” I whispered.
“Goodnight then,” he said.
Only it wasn’t.
We were kissing again before he’d even got the lamp.
I watched her all night. Well, what was left of it. She rolled over in her sleep and wriggled herself against me, just like old times. She stole most of the duvet and it ended up piled up on her side, just like old times. She’d stick her feet out of the covers, then press them to my calves to warm them back up, just like old times.
That soft grunty snore she does, then swears blind she doesn’t. Her hair in my face, the smell of her, the bliss of her skin next to mine.
The smell of sex hanging in the air.
I hadn’t had a woman in my bed since Stacey, not all night. Twelve months that lasted, limping on another couple as she got the message that it was really fucking done, that I was really fucking done.
Lucky man, they said. Wouldn’t mind waking up to that every morning. She’s a fucking catch, mat
e.
Hard to feel that lucky when you’re saying goodbye to your kids at dinner time every fucking night and wishing you weren’t. Hard to feel lucky when you’re seeing your forever every fucking day as you hand your girls over and knowing you fucking blew it.
Stacey made the right move at the right time, that was all. Rocked up in the Drum for a hen party, made a play at closing and didn’t let it go after. It seems that silence is all the affirmation some people need. Drinks in the Drum tonight, babe? I’ll call in at the yard at lunch, babe, I’m passing anyway. I’ll be over on Friday night, babe. I’ve bought you some beers in, babe.
Fuck me, babe. Fuck me harder, babe. You make me so fucking horny, babe.
And then the L word. Jesus.
I let it slide, and why wouldn’t I? A hot, horny body next to mine every night, a pussy that wanted me every fucking night. A pair of eyes looking into mine that didn’t see a long list of every fucking mistake I’d ever made.
It was fun for six months. Drink, laugh, fuck. Repeat. And then the questions came, questions that didn’t require just silence as an affirmative.
Shall we get a place together, babe? How do you feel about more kids, babe? I’m thinking of going part-time at the salon, babe, maybe I could work part-time at yours, in the office? Make it more ours…
I’ve seen just the dress I’d like, babe. Ivory satin, beautiful train, babe. Do you want to see a picture, babe? What do you think, babe?
I pulled Jodie tighter to my chest and she sighed in her sleep.
The kids liked Stacey. Said she was fun. My parents liked Stacey. Said she was a nice girl. The lads liked Stacey. Said she was a hot piece of snatch.
I liked Stacey, too. Just not enough. Not nearly enough.
I thought maybe it could be enough, maybe if I just gave it a bit of time. Maybe if I stuck with it I’d grow to care, even grow to love her.
But then the temper tantrums started, spoiled little blow ups with a healthy side of silent treatment. I don’t think you’re even planning to propose, babe. Have you even looked at rings? Have you even thought about a venue? Are you even bothered, babe?
No. No, I fucking wasn’t.
I said it, too.
Give it a rest, Stace. Just chill the fuck out a bit, Stace. Drink your wine and stop with the fucking sulking, Stace.
I’m not about to walk up the fucking aisle, Stace. I’m happy living here, Stace. I don’t need any help in the office, Stace.
Thanks but fucking no thanks, Stace.
Maybe not the words I should’ve said, but I’ve never been good at that.
I don’t love you, Stace. I’m in love with Jodie. I’ll always be in love with Jodie.
She started snooping. Started getting paranoid, checking my phone, calling me at work ten times a day. Started pulling a face when I said I was dropping the kids back to Jodie, that I’d probably stay and have a cuppa with Nanna.
She’s not your fucking nanna, Darren!
Darren. That’s when I became Darren. That’s when I thought it was over. I was fucking glad of it.
But then she found the fucking ring.
The light was shining through the gaps in the curtains when I heard the girls. Some argument or other. The thump as Ruby dropped down from the top bunk, the creak of the door handle, the sound of the fridge door opening and closing. The TV.
It was the TV that woke Jodie. She started, rolled onto her back with wide eyes as she acclimatised to where she was. My lips were on hers before she could make a sound, my finger taking their place when I pulled away.
“Shh,” I whispered. “Girls are live and kicking.”
I braced myself for the regret in her eyes, the oh shit, we shouldn’t have noises coming from her pretty mouth, but they didn’t come. She stared up at me with streaky makeup, her hair a right fucking tangle on the pillow, and she smiled. It was a quiet smile, not one of those that bloom quick and fade, this one crept up slowly. This one was real and raw and came with nervous eyes.
This one hit me right in the gut and grabbed tight. My arm snaked around her waist and pulled her close, her wine breath in my face as I smoothed her messy hair from her forehead.
A clatter in the kitchen. Ruby-induced – I’d have put money on it.
Daddddd! Dad are you awake?! Mum gets me frosty hoops now! I don’t like crunchy crispies anymore!
I raised an eyebrow at Jodie.
“Last Wednesday,” she whispered. “She changed her allegiance to frosty hoops last Wednesday.” She was still smiling. “It’s a new thing. I’d still buy the crispies if I were you, I don’t think it’ll last.”
Dadddd!
A groan from Mia. He’s asleep, Ruby, shhhh! Just have crispies!
Who died and made you queen of everything, Mia? Dadddd! Mia’s being mean to me!
Jodie put her hand across her mouth to stop herself laughing, and I felt it, too. I pressed my forehead to hers. “I’d better get out there before they come to blows.”
She nodded. “I’ll have to hide. Just in case.”
“Hide? Righto.”
I pulled the duvet over her head and buried her, squeezing her tight before I got to my feet, loving the way her body moved as she fought the giggles. She peeped out from under the covers as I pulled my jeans on, didn’t stop looking at me as I crept to the bedroom door and checked the coast was clear.
I winked at her as I stepped into the hallway.
She blew me a kiss right back.
Ruby was glaring at the crispies box. She let out one of her most dramatic sighs. “I hate crispies, Dad! I haven’t liked crispies in ages!”
“She’s being a baby,” Mia said, rolling her eyes like we were two adults together. It made me smile.
I ruffled her hair, then Ruby’s after her. “Why don’t you girls get dressed? We’ll see if Granny T can rustle up some egg on toast, how about that?”
They didn’t need much encouragement.
I slipped back in the bedroom and Jodie was right where I’d left her. I’d have given anything to climb back in there after her, but I pulled a t-shirt on and went about keeping this thing under the girls’ radar.
Whatever the fuck this thing was.
I looked at Jodie’s crazy-killer heels by the hamper. “How are your feet?” I whispered.
She gave the so-so gesture with her hand.
“You should stop wearing the bloody things,” I said. I reached into the top of the wardrobe, past a load of old paperwork and boxes of random old shit until I came to a bag at the back. I pulled it out and gave it to Jodie. She looked inside with a puzzled grin.
“Meant to give it back to you,” I said.
Sure I did.
She pulled out an old pair of sandals, the ones she’d worn when we first went to the coast with her parents and Nanna. I still remembered her tapping them on the wall to get the sand out.
“Lifesaver,” she whispered. Next she tugged out the satin robe she used to hang behind the bedroom door, followed by the sparkly bracelet I’d bought her from a market stall down Bristol one Christmas. She covered her mouth as she pulled out the pair of knickers she’d left in the laundry when she moved out.
“They were in the hamper,” I whispered.
“They were?”
I smiled. “Yes, Jodie, they were. Do you take me for some kind of panty sniffer or something?”
Her eyes were so warm. “Nothing would surprise me, Darren Trent. I know you too well, remember?”
Ready, Dadddd!
I chanced a final kiss, nothing more than a peck on the lips before I joined the girls. “Door’s on the catch,” I said. “Let yourself out when you’re ready. No rush.”
I brushed my teeth quickly, grabbed a jacket and my keys from the side.
“Let’s go,” I said. “Last one to the truck gets the hardest yolk.”
It was so surreal. I lay back in Darren Trent’s bed, which used to be mine too. Only now it smelled just of him. Of musk, and shower gel, and cigarettes,
and sweat and oil, and sex…
I pulled the covers to my face and breathed him in.
We had sex again last night. I couldn’t stop grinning.
I would have stayed there all morning if I didn’t have to get back to Nanna. I dragged myself up with wobbly legs, aching with that just fucked feeling that felt divine. I used Darren’s toothbrush, plucked it from the holder where it rested by the two girls’. I knew whose was whose. Ruby’s would be the funky green one, Mia’s would be the glitter purple. I took a pee and I couldn’t stop staring at them, those three toothbrushes, a small token of the life they lived together here. A life without me.
I wandered into the girls’ room, my heart racing even though it was stupid. I was hardly an intruder.
The bottom bunk was freshly made, the bright heart pattern all lined up neatly. The top bunk was a disaster area. I raised myself on tiptoes and cleared a monster truck from up there, managed to find a couple of Haynes manuals and a plastic beaker, too. I put the beaker in the sink, then thought better of it and washed it up, along with the dirty mugs from Darren’s bedside table.
There were another couple in the living room, a couple of empty beer cans stashed down the side of the sofa that I threw in the recycling.
I made Darren’s bed and my tummy was tickly.
I don’t want to leave.
I put his dirty clothes in the hamper then figured I’d return his washing machine favour – loaded up a load of whites and set it going.
I found a pack of wipes and dusted down the bedside table, cleaning off the mug stains.
I shouldn’t have opened the drawers, but I did.
The top drawer was the usual shit. Some of it had probably been there since before I’d moved out. A couple of old watches, some membership cards, his passport. Condoms, lots of condoms. More condoms…
Lube…
I closed the drawer, reminding myself that this was him now, this was his new thing. Just a job.
He said it was just a job.
The drawer handle polished up nicely. The one on the drawer below it, too.
I took a quick nose inside, since I’d already snooped my way through the first. Paperwork. Cheque books. A little black book. My heart pounded as I looked inside, laughing when it turned out to be car events listed not women’s phone numbers.
