“Miss?” asked the bus driver. “What’s wrong?”
“Luna—my, um, friend’s daughter—where is she? There was supposed to be another girl on this bus.”
“All the kids are off the bus, ma’am. Maybe this is the wrong one.”
I shook my head. Lucas would never have gotten the details wrong about where I was supposed to pick Luna up from. I mumbled something to the bus driver and got off, looking around desperately as if there were some way I could possibly have missed Luna climbing off the bus. My heart was pounding when I didn’t see her, and I watched the bus pull away with a heaviness in my chest that made it hard to breathe. I pulled out my phone to call Lucas but thought of one more thing I could do before I put him in a panic. It was possible that Luna had missed the bus on her first day. I looked at the address he’d given me for her preschool and got in my car, rushing there as fast as I could without getting pulled over.
I got out of the car and hurried inside, walking through the hall and glancing into each classroom as I passed. Most of them were empty—a few of them with lone teachers sitting at their desk catching up on work.
“Ma’am?” someone asked from behind me. I spun around to see a woman, a teacher.
“I’m looking for my friend’s daughter. Her name is Luna. Have you seen her?”
“Luna is in my class. I saw her just before she left. Didn’t she get on the bus?”
“She wasn’t on the bus,” I said, already turning around to go back to my car. I pulled out the phone and dialed Lucas. When he didn’t answer, I hung up and called again. I knew he was in a meeting but this was much more important than anything he was doing—Luna was missing, and there was nothing I could do about it.
12
Lucas
“What?” I asked, the word coming out as a croak. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know.” Ellie sounded panicked. I hated that tone in her voice but right now comforting her was the last thing on my mind. The only thing on my mind was Luna.
“She didn’t get off the bus,” I said, repeating her words, letting them sink in. “Maria. It was Maria.”
“How do you know?” Ellie asked.
“Because she’s the only one who would do this. Because she wants Luna just to get back at me,” I said, my words sharp and bitter. Every muscle in my body ached with tension and fear. Maria had the means to take Luna anywhere she wanted without me being able to find her. I didn’t want to think about what it would be like to never see my daughter again. My mouth went dry and I could barely speak.
“I have to go. I have to call the cops,” I said.
“I’m so sorry, Lucas, I—”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. I didn’t want to hear Ellie’s apologies. They weren’t going to bring Luna back.
“Can I come over when I get home?” she asked.
I’d already left Jim’s office and was on my way home. That was the last place I was going to check—I had to tell myself there was a possibility Luna had gone home somehow and was waiting for me.
“Yes,” I said to her, then hung up. I was on my way to my place when I called Alice, who picked up on the first ring.
“What’s up, bro?”
“Is Luna with you?”
“No. Why?” Alice asked.
“Because she’s missing. Ellie went to pick her up from the bus stop and she wasn’t there. Maria has taken her.”
“What?” Alice said, sounding dumbfounded. “You can’t find her?”
“No,” I said, almost yelling in frustration. I pulled up to the apartment and hurried upstairs, throwing the door open and looking all around the apartment.
“Luna?” I called out, though I knew it was hopeless. If Luna was there, she would have come out to greet me. “Luna!”
“Lucas, you need to call the cops,” Alice said.
“I know. I just wanted to check with you first.”
“Keep me posted,” she said. Her voice sounded filled with worry, something that was completely unlike Alice. I hung up and paced around my living room as I called the cops. When they answered, I tried to keep my voice calm and even, but it was shaking.
“What’s your emergency?” the operator on the other end of the line said.
“My daughter is missing.”
“Your daughter is missing? How long has she been gone?”
“I don’t know,” I said, my hand clenched into a fist at my side. “Since before school got out. My friend—my friend went to go pick her up and she wasn’t at school. She must be with my wife.”
“Is your wife her mother?”
“Yes, but we’re separated. Luna has been staying with me. Listen, I have to find my daughter. Please send somebody over.”
“We normally don’t send somebody out if we think she’s with a parent—”
“Please,” I begged her, my voice cracking. “Luna is—she’s not supposed to be with her mother. She’s in danger. Please.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line before the woman spoke.
“I’m sending someone over right now, sir,” she said. “He should be there in twenty minutes.”
“Okay,” I said, though twenty minutes seemed like forever to me. I wanted to get started looking for Luna now. “Okay.”
She hung up and I waited, unable to sit down or relax. The doorbell rang and I rushed over to see it was Ellie. I let her in, but when she tried to wrap her arms around me, I wouldn’t let her. I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched right then, even by Ellie. I was consumed with worry and fear in such a way that it felt like agony.
“Did you find anything out?”
“No,” I told her. “The cops are on their way.”
“Good,” she said. She reached for my hand and I let her take it, lacing our fingers as she pulled me over to the couch. “Sit down. Try to breathe.”
“How am I supposed to—I have no idea where my daughter is, Ellie,” I said to her. “How did I lose my own fucking kid?”
“You didn’t—”
There was another knock on the door that cut her off and I got up to answer it, seeing a cop on the other side. I invited him in and we all took a seat at the table. Ellie sat next to me but I scooted a couple of inches away from her, unable to stand the idea of her comfort when it would bring me absolutely nothing.
“So, your daughter is missing?” the cop asked, pulling out a notebook. “When was the last time you saw her?”
“This morning when I dropped her off at school. And listen, I know who she’s with—her mother, Maria Sanders. She’s an actress.”
“I’ve heard of Maria Sanders,” the man said, giving a low whistle. “That’s your wife?”
“Yes,” I said, gritting my teeth. “She took Luna from school. I know she did.”
“Are you still married to Maria?”
“Yes,” I told him. “We’re separated. She wants a divorce—she filed for sole custody of Luna and I’ve been talking to my lawyer about it. She must have just given up on the legal route and decided to take her.”
“Well, if you’re still married, and she’s still the child’s legal guardian—there’s not a lot we can do about it, sir. It’s up to the courts to make her bring your daughter back.”
“But I don’t even know where she is,” I said, the panic growing even more overwhelming. Ellie reached for my hand but I snatched it away, ignoring the pained look on her face that I could see out of the corner of my eye. “How am I supposed to take her to court? What do I do with Luna in the meantime?”
“That’s not for us to figure out, sir,” said the cop. He didn’t look sympathetic at all—he looked bored, and he had seemed more impressed by the fact I was married to Maria Sanders than concerned about the fact that my daughter was missing.
“Can’t you just look for her? Try to contact Maria?”
“We can try to contact her and set up mediation, if you want,” said the cop. “But I’m afraid that’s really all we can do without a c
ourt order.”
“Fuck,” I said, slamming my hand down on the table in frustration. I almost never felt angry or aggressive but in that moment I felt like I could rip somebody limb-from-limb in my rage. “You seriously can’t help me any more than that? Maria’s not going to respond to mediation.”
“I’m afraid that’s all we can do right now,” he repeated, standing up. “Give me her contact information and we’ll try to get hold of her. In the meantime, I recommend you get a court order, something that she has to obey.”
I clenched my jaw.
“Don’t go out looking for her yourself, sir,” the man said. “You’re only going to get yourself in trouble. Let us handle it. If you find her, call us. We’ll set up the mediation.”
I nodded, unable to say any other words. I watched as he left, silent with Ellie beside me.
“Lucas—”
“I’m going to look for her,” I said, grabbing my keys. “I’ll see you later.”
“But he said—”
“I don’t care what he said, Ellie,” I hissed. “I’m going to find my daughter, okay?”
“Okay,” she said in a small voice. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“I want to be alone,” I said and tried not to respond to the disappointed look on her face. I knew I wasn’t acting toward Ellie the way I should be given my feelings for her, but right now I was completely wrapped up in my worry and fear. “I’ll see you later.”
“Okay,” she repeated, and I followed her out the door. She disappeared into her apartment and I hurried downstairs, not even knowing where to start looking for Luna and Maria. I had no idea where Maria had been staying since I’d kicked her out and moved to the apartment, but I decided to try our old house—I hadn’t got around to trying to sell it and it was possible that Maria had been staying there since I’d left.
I sped my way back to the old house, not worrying about traffic or the speed limit. I swerved through lanes, heedless of the danger, thinking only of getting to Luna, of getting her back. I got to the house in record time and flew up to the door, pounding on it with my fist.
“Maria!” I shouted. “Open the fucking door.”
The door opened but instead of Maria, an older man answered. He had his arms crossed over his chest when he looked at me.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m looking for my wife, Maria Sanders. Have you seen her? Maybe with a little girl?”
“I haven’t seen nobody,” the man said. “I moved in here a couple weeks ago. Place was empty before.”
I cursed, turning around to go back to my car without another word. I buried my face in my hands for a moment, wondering what to do or where to go next. The only thing I knew was that I had to find Luna before it was too late.
13
Ellie
I kept my eye out for Lucas, and every time I heard footsteps on the stairs I found myself rushing to look out of my peephole to see if it was him. I hadn’t seen him in two days—not since he’d gone out looking for Luna. He hadn’t come back once since he’d left, and though I’d only been a little worried for his safety at first, I was starting to wonder if something had happened to him. It was more likely he’d decided he didn’t want to come home. Maybe he’d found Luna and Maria and decided he wanted to be a family with them again, that he was going to give up on his dingy apartment and live a life of luxury with his beautiful wife.
I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on my work instead, but my mind would inevitably wander back to Lucas. I knew I was being irrational—I should be more worried than upset, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he just wasn’t coming back, that he had left me the same way my ex had—for another woman.
After three days of not hearing from him, I was staring at my phone, wondering whether I should call again. On the first day, I’d called him two or three times. Since then, I hadn’t even tried; it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk to me, otherwise, he would have called me back. Instead of calling him, I picked up the phone to call Heather, knowing she would have some advice for how I could get over the sting of rejection I was feeling having lost Lucas, especially after all the things we’d done together. I’d given myself to him completely and he’d abandoned me.
“Hey, hon,” Heather said when she answered the phone. “What’s up?”
“I’m thinking of coming home for a little while,” I said. “I need to get away from the city.”
“Why? What’s up?”
“You remember that guy I told you about, Lucas?”
“The hottie,” she said. “I remember. Did you bang him?”
I felt myself blush and was glad that she couldn’t see me. I knew that she would tease me mercilessly if she knew how shy I felt about all the things I’d done with Lucas, new things I’d never thought to try before.
“Yeah,” I said. “And we, I—he’s gone. He left.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Heather said. “Come home and stay with me. I’ll have ice cream and wine waiting.”
“Thanks, Heather,” I said, sniffling, trying to keep myself from crying. So far, I’d refused to do so, and I wasn’t going to start now. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“That’s pretty soon,” she said.
“I’m ready. I’m going to leave tonight.”
“Be careful, hon. I’ll keep the door unlocked.”
I thanked her again and told her goodbye, then went into my room and opened my suitcase. I threw several things in that I might need for an extended stay—I didn’t know how long I’d be going home for. I could work from there and had no real need to come back soon; my book was selling well and I had enough money now for an extended vacation.
I got ready to go, hesitating at the top of the stairs. I took a deep breath and put my suitcase down, then went over to Lucas’s door and knocked on it one last time. I closed my eyes as I waited, hoping that somehow I’d just missed him coming home, that he would be there with Luna and it would all just be a mistake. For a brief second, I allowed myself to get my hopes up, but when he didn’t answer I knew I was just being an idiot. I grabbed my bags and headed downstairs to my car, then started south toward my hometown. The drive would be about eight hours straight but I knew I could make it; I hadn’t been sleeping well as of late anyway, no more than two or three hours a night.
I got to Heather’s at about five in the morning and had to drag myself from the car, rolling my suitcase up to her front door. I slipped quietly inside, tiptoeing upstairs to the guest room I always used when I came home to stay. Heather had made the bed and left a shoebox full of candy on top of it, something that she always kept around even when we were kids. I smiled when I saw it, pulling out a chocolate bar and opening it as I flopped onto the bed. I stared at the ceiling, eating the candy as I thought again of Lucas and everything we’d had. I’d been in love with him. I was still in love with him. But I wouldn’t see or talk to him again. The thought made me ache, and I tried to fight it away as I closed my eyes to fall asleep.
I woke up a few hours later at noon and could hear the TV on downstairs. I slipped out of bed and went down there, sitting next to Heather on the couch. I grabbed a pillow and hugged it against my chest, curling over the cushion and looking at my friend.
“Tell me all about it,” Heather said.
“I love him,” I said to her, and then I started crying. I’d known I would, but I cursed myself for it anyway. I hated the thought of crying over a man, but I’d done it before and I was doing it now. This time felt different, though. Everything had been so perfect with Lucas whereas things with my ex had never been as good.
“How did you end up sleeping together in the first place, is what I want to know. Last time I talked to you, you were trying to stay away from him.”
“I did, but he kept coming over. And then he would stay for dinner and one night I—we had dinner alone, and then we watched a movie. I fell asleep on his lap and when I woke up we—”
“You ha
d sex?”
“Not then. But we started to. And that’s when I knew I had feelings for him.”
“Did he feel the same way?”
“I guess not,” I said. “I thought he did at the time. I thought things were going great. I started to trust him. You know how hard that is for me.”
“So, what happened?”
I shrugged. “He left. Disappeared on me. I have no idea where he is. I’m just—I’m so different now. He changed me. I opened up to him and now he’s gone.”
“Did he say anything before he left?”
“He said he was going to look for Luna. But that was days ago and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Who’s Luna?” she asked. “His wife?”
“No, his daughter. I went to pick her up from school one day and she didn’t get off the bus. He thinks she’s with her mom, but when we called the cops, they were no help so he went out to look on his own.”
“And he just never came back?” Heather asked. I shook my head.
“No. I’m assuming he’s just not coming back. Maybe he got back with Maria.”
“What did the cops say when you told them Lucas disappeared?”
I stared at her. “I haven’t called the cops,” I said.
“What?” she asked, her face incredulous. “First, his daughter went missing. Then he goes missing. Don’t you think that’s weird?”
“I guess,” I said, feeling a nervousness creep up in my body. The first day, I’d been worried that something had happened to Lucas. But that worry had quickly turned into a selfish paranoia, the assumption that he left because he didn’t want me.
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