RONALD: No, all I’m saying is …
MARION: Well, Eva and I’ll have one, won’t we, Eva?
[MARION pours out two glasses]
SIDNEY: [from under the sink] Ah!
JANE: All right?
SIDNEY: Got it off.
JANE: Oh, well done.
MARION: What’s he got off?
[EVA finally gets the lid off the paint stripper and is about to drink it]
SIDNEY: That was a wrestle and no mistake. But I got it off. The big question now is, can I get it on again.
MARION: Eva, dear, now you drink that. [She puts the glass in EVA’S hand, removing the tin of stripper] That’ll do you far more good than all the pills and patent medicines put together.
[She puts the paint stripper on the draining-board]
RONALD: Marion, seriously, I wouldn’t advise …
MARION: [hitting him on the foot with the gin bottle] Oh, Ronnie, just shut up!
RONALD: Ah!
MARION: [to EVA; confidentially] You’d never think it but he was a really vital young man, Eva. You’d never think it to look at him, would you?
[MARION fills EVA’S glass of gin so that she is forced in her inert state to drink some]
SIDNEY: [emerging from his sink] Well, time for a break. Now then, did somebody promise a drink?
MARION: [pushing the bottle towards him] Help yourself.
SIDNEY: Thank you.
JANE: I think that’s as much as I can do. It’s a bit better.
MARION: [going to the stove] Oh, look, isn’t that marvellous. Look at that splendid oven.
SIDNEY: Well done. Well done.
JANE: [Bit of a difference. [She picks up her bowl of water and carries it to the sink]
RONALD: [having difficulty] Ah …
SIDNEY: How’s the electrical department?
RONALD: [muttering] Damn fiddly thing.
SIDNEY: [seeing JANE] Hey! Don’t pour that down now!
JANE: Oh. Nearly forgot.
SIDNEY: You’d have been popular. [He puts the gin bottle on the table]
JANE: I’d have been popular.
MARION: Well, I’m just going to sit here all night and admire that oven. I think she’s honestly better than our Mrs Minns, isn’t she, darling?
RONALD: Anyone’s better than our Mrs Minns.
MARION: Oh, she means well. We have our Mrs Minns. She’s a dear old soul. She can hardly see and she only comes in for two hours a day and when she’s gone we spend the rest of the time cleaning up after her. But she’s got an absolute heart of gold.
RONALD: Largely paid for by us.
SIDNEY: Good health. Happy Christmas to all.
MARION: Happy New Year.
JANE: Yes.
SIDNEY: Get this lot finished, maybe there’ll be time for a game …
JANE: Oh, yes …
MARION: What sort of game do you mean?
SIDNEY: You know. Some good party game. Get everyone jumping about.
MARION: What an obscene idea.
SIDNEY: Oh, they’re great fun. We’ve had some laughs, haven’t we?
JANE: Talk about laughs …
RONALD: Blast.
SIDNEY: What’s the matter?
RONALD: Dropped the little thing. Could you see if you can see it. I’ve got to keep holding on to this or it’ll drop off. Little thing about so big.
MARION: What little thing?
RONALD: A whajamacallit.
JANE: Small was it?
RONALD: Lord, yes. Tiny little thingy.
SIDNEY: Oh dear oh dear.
[They hunt, SIDNEY crawls on hands and knees]
JANE: Might have rolled anywhere.
MARION: What are we looking for?
RONALD: Little whosit. Goes in here.
MARION: Darling, do be more precise. What’s a whosit?
JANE: You know, one of those – one of those – isn’t that silly, I can’t think of the word.
MARION: Well, I refuse to look till I know what we’re looking for. We could be here all night. I mean, from the look of this floor it’s simply littered with little whosits.
SIDNEY: [under the table] Can’t see it.
JANE: It’s on the tip of my tongue … that’s it, a nut. Little nut.
MARION: [searching by the sink] Oh, well then, a nut. Now we know. Everyone hunt for a little nut.
[EVA goes and sits at the table]
SIDNEY: I didn’t know we were looking for a nut.
JANE: Aren’t we?
RONALD: No. A screw. That’s what I’m after, a screw.
SIDNEY: A screw, yes.
JANE: Oh, a screw.
MARION: All right, everybody, stop looking for nuts. Ronnie’s now decided he wants a screw. I can’t see a thing. And I think it would be terribly sensible if we put the light on, wouldn’t it?
RONALD: Good idea.
[MARION goes to the light switch]
SIDNEY: [realizing far too late] No, I wouldn’t turn that on …
[MARION presses the switch]
MARION: There.
[RONALD, on the table, starts vibrating, emitting a low moan]
SIDNEY: [rising] Turn it off.
JANE: Get him away.
MARION: Darling, what on earth are you doing?
JANE: [reaching out to pull RONALD away] Get him away.
SIDNEY: No, don’t touch him, he’s live. [He goes to the switch]
[JANE touches him and recoils, with a squeak]
RONALD: [through gritted teeth] Somebody turn it off.
[SIDNEY turns it off]
SIDNEY: All right. Panic over.
[RONALD continues to vibrate]
JANE: Turn him off, Sidney.
SIDNEY: I have.
JANE: Turn him off!
SIDNEY: He is off. [Calming JANE] Now, pull yourself together. Help me get him down. Get him down.
[SIDNEY and JANE guide RONALD down from the table and to a chair. MARION watches them]
MARION: Good lord. Wasn’t that extraordinary?
SIDNEY: Easy now.
JANE: Take it slowly.
[EVA pours herself another drink]
MARION: Whenever he fiddles about with anything electrical it always ends in disaster. This always happens. Is he all right?
SIDNEY: He’s in a state of shock.
JANE: He would be.
SIDNEY: Sit him down and keep him warm – that’s the way. Pass me my jacket. Jacket. Jacket.
MARION: He looks frightfully odd.
JANE: [bringing SIDNEY’S jacket] Here.
SIDNEY: He needs more. He really needs to be wrapped up, otherwise …
JANE: [Looking round] There’s nothing much here.
SIDNEY: Well, find something. In the other room. We need blankets.
JANE: Right.
[JANE goes to the door whilst MARION looks vaguely round the kitchen]
SIDNEY: Now easy, old chap. Just keep breathing …
[JANE opens the door. There is a fierce growling. She withdraws swiftly and closes it]
JANE: He’s still there.
SIDNEY: Who?
JANE: The dog.
SIDNEY: Well, step over him. This is an emergency.
JANE: I’m not stepping over him. You step over him.
SIDNEY: Oh dear oh dear.
MARION: [who has found the washing basket] What about these bits and bobs? [She picks up an article of clothing]
SIDNEY: What’s that?
MARION: Last week’s washing, I think. [Sniffing it] It seems fairly clean. Might be better than nothing.
SIDNEY: Yes, well, better than nothing.
MARION: It seems dry.
JANE: Better than nothing.
[Between them, during the following, they cover RONALD in an assortment of laundry, both male and female. He finishes up more or less encased in it but still quivering]
SIDNEY: Quick as you can. Come along, quick as you can.
JANE: [examining a shirt] She hasn’t got
this collar very clean.
SIDNEY: Jane, come along.
MARION: [holding up a petticoat] Oh, that’s rather pretty. I wonder where she got this.
SIDNEY: Not the time for that now. That the lot?
MARION: Yes. Only socks left. And you-know-whats.
SIDNEY: Well, it’ll keep his temperature up.
MARION: Oh, my God, what does he look like? Ronnie! You know I’ve got a terrible temptation to phone up his chief cashier. If he could see him now … [She starts to laugh]
JANE: I don’t think he’s very well, you know.
MARION: Yes, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve never seen anything quite so ludicrous.
SIDNEY: [moving a stool up beside RONALD] Might I suggest that Marion sits down with her husband just until the doctor gets here for Mrs Jackson …
JANE: Then he can look at them both.
SIDNEY: Precisely.
JANE: Lucky he was coming.
SIDNEY: Yes, well, we’d better just finish off and clear up, hadn’t we?
MARION: [sitting beside RONALD] Would you like a drink, darling? You look dreadful!
JANE: I’d better just go over the floor.
SIDNEY: [preparing to go under the sink again] No, dear, we don’t want you to go over the floor. Not now …
JANE: Just where we’ve been tramping about. If Doctor’s coming. It won’t take a minute.
SIDNEY: All right. Carry on, Sister. Sorry I spoke.
JANE: [going to the walk-in cupboard] Now where does she keep her broom?
RONALD: [strained tone] You know, I feel very peculiar.
[JANE finds the broom and starts clearing the immediate vicinity around the table]
MARION: Well, I hope you won’t be like this all over Christmas, darling. I mean we’ve got your mother over tomorrow for lunch and Edith and the twins on Boxing Day – I just couldn’t face them alone. I just couldn’t.
JANE: [to EVA] Excuse me, dear. I wonder if you could just … [She winds up the rope, still looped to EVA’S wrist, and puts it in EVA’S hand] Tell you what, why don’t you sit up here? Just for a second. Then I won’t get in the way of your feet. [She assists EVA to sit on the edge of the table] Upsidaisy.
SIDNEY: [sliding under the sink] She all right still?
JANE: I think so.
[EVA yawns]
Just a bit tired. Neglected you in all the excitement, haven’t we? Never mind. Just sit there. Doctor’ll be here soon. [She sweeps under the table]
MARION: You know, I believe I’m beginning to feel dizzy as well. I hope I haven’t caught it from her.
JANE: I hope not. What a Christmas, eh?
SIDNEY: [from under the sink] We’ll be laughing about this.
JANE: [going to the sink and lifting SIDNEY’S feet] Excuse me, dear. What’s that?
SIDNEY: I say, in about two weeks’ time, we’ll –
[JANE pours the water away in the sink]
– all be sitting down and laughing about – aaaah!
JANE: Oh, no.
SIDNEY: Put the plug in.
JANE: [feverishly following the plug chain] I can’t find the end.
SIDNEY: Put the plug in!
JANE: [putting the plug in] I’m sorry.
SIDNEY: [emerging from under the sink, his top half drenched in dirty water] Look what you’ve done.
JANE: I’m terribly sorry. [She picks up a dish cloth]
SIDNEY: Look what you have done! You silly woman!
[She tries to mop him down with the dish cloth]
[Beating her away] Don’t do that! Don’t do that! It’s too late for that. Look at this shirt. This is a new shirt.
JANE: Well, it’ll wash. It’ll wash. I’ll wash it. It’s only oven grease.
SIDNEY: I told you, didn’t I? I said, whatever you do – don’t pour water down there, didn’t I?
JANE: I didn’t think …
SIDNEY: Obviously.
JANE: Well, take the shirt off now and I’ll …
SIDNEY: And I’ll go home in my singlet, I suppose?
JANE: Nobody’ll notice.
SIDNEY: Of course they’ll notice. Otherwise, there’d be no point in wearing a shirt in the first place, would there? If nobody noticed, we’d all be walking around in our singlets.
JANE: It’s dark.
SIDNEY: Don’t change the subject. It would really teach you a lesson if I caught pneumonia.
JANE: [tearful] Don’t say that.
SIDNEY: Teach you, that would.
[JANE sniffs. SIDNEY strides to the door]
Dear oh dear.
JANE: [following him] Where are you going?
SIDNEY: To get my overcoat before I freeze. Where else do you think I’m going?
JANE: But, Sidney …
[SIDNEY ignores her, flinging open the door and striding out, making a dignified exit. There is a burst of furious barking. SIDNEY reappears very swiftly and closes the door behind him]
SIDNEY: [to EVA, furiously] That dog of yours is a liability. You ought to keep that animal under control. I can’t even get to my overcoat. It’s not good enough.
[EVA slowly lies down on the kitchen table, oblivious]
JANE: Come and sit down.
SIDNEY: Sit down? What’s the point of sitting down?
JANE: Geoff should be back soon.
SIDNEY: I should hope so. This isn’t what you expect at all. Not when you come round for a quiet drink and a chat. [Almost screaming in EVA’S ear] This is the last time I accept hospitality in this household.
JANE: Ssh.
SIDNEY: What?
JANE: She’ll hear you.
SIDNEY: I don’t care who hears me. [He sits]
JANE: Ssh. [She sits]
[A pause. The four of them are sitting. EVA lies. RONALD continues to look glassy, quivering slightly. MARION’S drinking has caught up with her. JANE looks abjectly miserable. SIDNEY shivers in his vest]
SIDNEY: And we’re missing the television.
JANE: Ssh.
[A silence. Then, from apparently nowhere, a sleepy voice begins to sing dreamily. It is EVA]
EVA: [singing] “On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me a partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me, two turtle doves –
MARION: [joining her] – and a partridge in a pear tree. On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me, three French hens –
JANE: [joining her] – two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, four calling birds –
RONALD: [joining them] – three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
ALL: On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, five gold rings, etc.
[As the bedraggled quintet begin to open up, the singing gets bolder and more confident. Somewhere in the distance GEORGE begins to howl. EVA, still lying on her back, conducts them dreamily with both hands and then finally with the hammer]
[The door bursts open. GEOFFREY enters hurriedly, calling behind him]
GEOFFREY: Through here, Doctor. Please hurry, I …
[GEOFFREY is suddenly aware of the sound behind him. He turns, still breathless from his run up four flights. His mouth drops further open as he surveys the scene. The singing continues unabated, as the Lights black-out and –
the CURTAIN falls
ACT THREE
The Brewster-Wrights’ kitchen. Next Christmas.
They live in a big old Victorian house, and the kitchen, though modernized to some extent, still retains a lot of the flavour of the original room. A sink, an electric stove [or even an Aga range], a fridge, a dark wood sideboard, a round table and chairs form the substantial furnishings for the room. On the table is an elderly radio set. There is a door, half of opaque glass, to the hall, and a garden door.
When the CURTAIN rises, RONALD is discovered sitting in an armchair near the table. He wears a scarf and a green eye-shade. Beside him is a light
ed portable oil stove. At his elbow is an empty teacup. The radio is on, playing very quietly a very jolly carol. RONALD is reading a book. He is obviously enjoying it, for every two or three seconds he chuckles to himself out loud. This continues for some seconds, until the door from the hall opens and EVA enters. She wears a winter coat and carries an empty teacup and a plate, which she puts down on the draining-board.
Three Plays Page 7
