[At length, PAUL enters]
JOHN: Hallo, hallo. He’s arrived.
[PAUL stands, surveying the room, making his presence felt. He sits]
PAUL: Well. Here I am then.
DIANA: So we see.
PAUL: That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?
DIANA: I’m not so sure.
PAUL: Well, make up your mind. I’ll go upstairs again.
[Silence]
JOHN: Paul, could we have a quick word about Eastfield, do you think?
PAUL: Not just at the moment, if you don’t mind.
JOHN: It’s just if I got your okay, I could go ahead with the order.
PAUL: Look, I’m not in the mood to talk about Eastfield just at the moment, John. We’re having this riotous tea party. Rude to talk business over tea. [He discovers the paper towel holder] What’s this? Where did this come from?
DIANA: It’s nothing. It’s just a holder for the paper towel in the kitchen, that’s all.
PAUL: Is it ours?
DIANA: Yes.
PAUL: What have you gone and bought another one for?
DIANA: I didn’t.
PAUL: I just put one up the other day. How many of the things do you want?
MARGE: Oh well…
PAUL: [laughing to MARGE] Kitchen, knee deep in paper towels.
MARGE: It’s useful to have a spare.
[Pause]
PAUL: I don’t know what we’re going to talk to this fellow about, I’m sure. We haven’t seen him for three years. I don’t even know this girl’s name.
DIANA: Carol.
PAUL: Well, that’s something. I mean, I can’t see what good this is going to do for him. Coming round here talking to us about it.
DIANA: He probably won’t want to.
PAUL: Then what else is there to talk about? It’s just embarrassing isn’t it?
DIANA: What’s embarrassing? Somebody you’ve known for a long time loses someone very dear to them. Seems natural to ask them round and comfort them a little.
PAUL: Fat lot of comfort he’ll get here.
MARGE: We can try. It’ll only be for an hour.
JOHN: As long as he doesn’t start talking about death, I don’t mind. If he starts on about death or dying, I’m off.
EVELYN: I don’t know why you came.
JOHN: Well – like Di says, it’s – friendly.
EVELYN: You don’t like him.
JOHN: Colin? I didn’t mind him.
EVELYN: You said you didn’t like him.
JOHN: I didn’t mind him.
PAUL: I didn’t like him.
DIANA: You went round with him enough.
PAUL: I did not.
DIANA: You used to come round to our house every Friday and Saturday. You and him. We used to call you the flower pot men.
PAUL: He used to follow me.
DIANA: And Colin always went off with my sister Barbara and I was stuck with you.
PAUL: Very funny.
DIANA: It’s true. We both fancied Colin really.
[JOHN and MARGE laugh again]
PAUL: That is patently untrue. That is a lie.
DIANA: I was only joking…
PAUL: If you want to know what it really was…
DIANA: I was joking.
PAUL: If you really want to know…
DIANA: It was a joke.
PAUL [subsides]
PAUL: Anyway. Come to that, why do you think we both came round?
DIANA: I don’t doubt it.
PAUL: Well.
DIANA: You lost out then, didn’t you?
PAUL: So did you.
DIANA: You said it, not me.
MARGE: Look, we really mustn’t quarrel.
DIANA: I’m not quarrelling.
PAUL: Neither am I.
MARGE: I mean, Colin’s not going to want this. He’ll want to feel he’s among friends, not enemies.
EVELYN: [in her magazine] This is a rotten story in here. This fellow’s gone mad just because this girl’s kissed him. Running about and singing.
MARGE: I think that’s meant to be romantic, Evelyn.
EVELYN: They ought to put him away for good, if you ask me.
DIANA: If you really fancied Barbara, I’m surprised you didn’t go off with her. You had the chance.
PAUL: Forget I said it.
DIANA: I mean, why didn’t you?
PAUL: Would you all please witness I did not start this conversation?
DIANA: Answer me that.
PAUL: You are all witnesses, thank you.
DIANA: If you fancied her that much…
PAUL: Oh, God.
DIANA: Never mind. You’re making up for it now, aren’t you?
PAUL: What do you mean by that?
MARGE: Now, Di…
DIANA: I said, you’re making up for it now, aren’t you, dearest? With your other little…
MARGE: Why don’t we all have a cup of tea now? Wouldn’t that be a nice idea?
[The phone starts ringing]
PAUL: No. I want that last remark explained if you don’t mind.
MARGE: Now, Paul, Paul…
DIANA: Never mind.
PAUL: All my other what?
MARGE: [standing between them, arms outstretched] Now, Di… Paul…
DIANA: You know.
JOHN: Should I answer that?
PAUL: All my other what? I want to hear the rest of that sentence.
DIANA: You know perfectly well what I’m talking about.
MARGE: Di… Paul …
JOHN: I’ll answer it, shall I?
PAUL: I have not the slightest idea what you’re talking about, I’m sorry.
DIANA: [pointing at EVELYN] Well, I’m sure she has. Ask her then.
MARGE: Di… Paul…
EVELYN: Eh?
JOHN: [who has answered the phone] Hallo. Could you speak up please.
DIANA: Yes, you. Don’t you sit there looking so innocent and smug. I know all about you.
PAUL: What are you dragging Evelyn into this for?
JOHN: Oh, hallo Gordon, [to MARGE] It’s Gordon.
MARGE: Gordon. Oh, my God. [She snatches the phone from him]
DIANA: If anyone has dragged Evelyn into this, it’s you.
MARGE: Hallo, Jumjums.
DIANA: You’re the one who’s dragged her in, literally.
MARGE: My darling, what is it?
PAUL: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Will somebody kindly tell me what she’s talking about.
MARGE: He’s spilt his cough mixture in his bed.
DIANA: You know bloody well what I’m talking about. I’m talking about you and her, you bastard.
MARGE: Has it sunk through to the mattress, love?
EVELYN: I’m going home.
DIANA: Yes, you go home, you little bitch.
PAUL: Oh, no you don’t. You stay where you are, Evelyn. If she says things like that, she’s got to prove them.
DIANA: I don’t have to. I know.
EVELYN: Goodbye.
JOHN: We can’t go now. Colin’s coming.
EVELYN: To hell with him.
PAUL: She’s just hysterical.
MARGE: Can you try and sleep on the dry side until I get back?
PAUL: The woman’s hysterical. Now listen, Di…
DIANA: [screaming] Don’t come near me.
MARGE: Oh no. Have you got it on your ’jamas as well?
[The baby starts crying]
EVELYN:[furious] You’ve woken him up now.
JOHN: I didn’t wake him up.
PAUL: I mean, seriously, how can a man live with a woman like that?
MARGE: Jumjums, how did you get it on your trousers… well, look, take them off, dear. Take the bottoms off.
JOHN: Where are you going?
EVELN: [starting to push the pram out] I’m taking him home.
JOHN: Oh, Evelyn…
PAUL: I mean, am I unreasonable?
MARGE: There’s some more in the bo
ttom drawer. The stripy ones.
JOHN [calling after her] Evelyn.
MARGE: Yes, well, you will be sticky. You’ll have to wash. [Doorbell]
DIANA: How you can stand there looking so damned innocent…
PAUL: Listen, if you could tell me what I’m being accused of, I could perhaps answer you.
[Doorbell]
JOHN: I think that’s the doorbell.
MARGE: No, keep warm, Jumjums, keep warm…
[EVELYN re-enters with the pram, baby still crying]
JOHN: What are you doing?
EVELYN: I can’t get out that way. There’s somebody at the front door.
DIANA: Get out of my house.
EVELYN: I’m trying to.
MARGE: Bye bye, darling.
JOHN: It’ll be Colin.
MARGE: Bye.
PAUL: Colin?
EVELYN: I’m taking Wayne in the garden.
MARGE: Bye. [She hangs up]
JOHN: Don’t go home, Evelyn.
PAUL: Now listen, Di, Marge…
EVELYN: [as she goes out] I can’t, can l?
[EVELYN goes out to the kitchen with the pram]
MARGE: He has spilt cough mixture not only on the sheet, but on the pillow. [Doorbell]
PAUL: Would you listen a minute?
MARGE: … his clean pyjama bottoms..
PAUL: Marge, please. Would you mind? Di, get a grip on yourself, Di.
DIANA: What?
PAUL: Colin is here now at the door.
DIANA: Oh no.
[DIANA runs out to the kitchen]
PAUL: Di…
MARGE: Shall I let him in?
PAUL: Would you mind, Marge. You seem to be the calmest among us.
MARGE: I am not calm, believe me. That linctus will have gone through that undersheet straight into that mattress. [As she goes] I don’t know how I’m going to get it out, I don’t.
[JOHN and PAUL are left]
[PAUL pacing. JOHN jiggling]
PAUL: Did you tell her?
JOHN: Who?
PAUL: Di.
JOHN: What about?
PAUL: About Evelyn and me.
JOHN: I didn’t. Why should I? I mean, as we said, it was just one of those things, wasn’t it?
PAUL: Right.
JOHN: Wouldn’t happen again.
PAUL: Certainly wouldn’t.
JOHN: There you are. We’d settled it, hadn’t we?
PAUL: Did Evelyn tell Di?
JOHN: I don’t think so.
PAUL: Can’t see why she would.
JOHN: No reason at all. Just one of those things, wasn’t it? I’m not bitter. It was a bit of a shock when she told me. But I’m not bitter.
PAUL: Somebody told her…
[MARGE ushers in COLIN]
MARGE: Here he is.
COLIN: Paul.
PAUL: Colin, my old mate, how are you? [he embraces him]
COLIN: Great to see you, John…
JOHN [shaking his hand] Hallo, Col.
COLIN: Oh, it is good to see you both. How are you?
PAUL: Great.
JOHN: Fine.
COLIN: Where are the girls then, where are the girls?
PAUL: Oh – er – Di’s just out in the kitchen there.
COLIN: Doing her stuff?
PAUL: Yes, more or less. And – er – Evelyn’s with the baby.
COLIN: Hey, yes. You’ve got a baby.
JOHN: Right.
COLIN: Boy or girl?
JOHN: Boy. Wayne. Four months.
COLIN: Fantastic. That’s what you always wanted, didn’t you? I always remember that. When the four of us used to get together, you know, you, me, Gordon, Paul – what was it Gordon wanted to be, a cricketer, wasn’t it? – you always used to say, I just want to get married and have a son.
JOHN: Right.
COLIN: Fantastic. Congratulations. Sorry to hear about Gordon, Marge. He’s ill, you say?
MARGE: I’m afraid so.
COLIN: Poor Gordon, he has all the luck. He wasn’t feeling too good when I left, was he? That’s right. He was sick at the farewell party.
MARGE: Something he ate.
COLIN: [laughing, to the others] Out of me way, out of me way. Do you remember. We were all sitting there, quietly talking and then, out of me way, out of me way. Rushing about the room, everybody scattering for cover. He flings open the door and throws up in the broom cupboard, [he laughs] Nothing serious, I hope?
MARGE: No, no. He always looks worse than he is. [With a laugh] I don’t think he’s quite at death’s door yet.
[Pause]
COLIN: Good.
MARGE: I’ll – see you in a minute.
COLIN: Right.
[MARGE goes to the kitchen]
This is all right, this place, isn’t it? Very nice indeed. How long have you had this, Paul?
PAUL: Oh, nearly two years.
COLIN: Now we know where the money’s going. I’d settle for this. Wouldn’t you, John? Yes, I’d settle for this.
JOHN: Yes.
PAUL: You want to sit down?
COLIN: Thanks. [He sits] Very nice.
PAUL: How are you feeling?
COLIN: Oh, pretty fair. Lost a bit of weight lately, that helps.
JOHN: Yes.
PAUL: Col? [Offers a cigar]
COLIN: No thanks.
[PAUL takes one, as an afterthought he throws one to JOHN who catches it]
JOHN: Thanks Paul.
[Pause]
COLIN: What’s your wife’s name again, John, I forget? Before I meet her.
JOHN: Evelyn.
[JOHN clicks his lighter intermittently in an effort to make it work]
COLIN: Evelyn. That’s it. Di did write and tell me. I forgot. Sorry.
JOHN: That’s okay. I forget it myself sometimes.
[COLIN laughs]
COLIN: She’s not local though, is she?
JOHN: No. She’s got relatives.
COLIN: Ah. Will I approve, do you think?
JOHN: Eh?
COLIN: Do you think I’ll approve of her?
JOHN: Well, yes. Hope so.
COLIN: She all right, is she, Paul?
PAUL: Eh?
COLIN: This Evelyn of his? Has he done all right for himself would you say?
PAUL: Oh, yes he’s done all right.
COLIN: John could always pick them.
PAUL: Yes.
[Pause]
[MARGE enters with mats for the teapot and hot water jug]
MARGE: [whispering with embarrassment] Excuse me. We’re just brewing up. Now, Di wants her handbag a minute. Is it…? Oh yes. Won’t be a minute.
[She goes out]
COLIN: She hasn’t changed.
PAUL: No.
COLIN: We used to have a name for her, didn’t we? When Gordon first took her out.
PAUL: Can’t remember.
COLIN: It was… can you, John?
JOHN: No. Something. I can’t remember.
PAUL: No.
COLIN: It was a beetle or a spider or something. I’ll remember, it’ll come to me.
[Pause]
JOHN: You’re looking well, Col.
COLIN: I feel well.
JOHN: You look it.
[Pause]
COLIN: I’m not early, am I?
Three Plays Page 13
