[Voices are heard coming upstairs]
Oh, my God.
[She runs to the door ]
[It is too late ]
[She looks round for somewhere ]
[As a last resort, she pulls back the covers and slides into bed ]
KATE: Ooh!
[She pulls out her shoes from the bed, holds them up then tucks them back under ]
[TREVOR enters ]
MALCOLM: [off] Coats just on the bed, Trevor. I’ll fix you a drink.
TREVOR: Right, thanks, [seeing KATE] Ah.
KATE: Hallo, Trevor.
TREVOR: Oh, hallo there.
KATE: Hallo.
TREVOR: Are you ill?
KATE: No.
TREVOR: Ah.
KATE: I’m just getting changed.
TREVOR: Ah. Er – Malcolm said it would be all right to put my coat on the bed. Is that O.K. with you?
KATE: Fine.
TREVOR: Won’t make you too hot, will it?
KATE: Uh?
TREVOR: I mean with all the coats on top of you. Could get a bit hot by the middle of the evening.
KATE: Oh no. I’m not staying here. I’m just…resting.
TREVOR: Oh, great.
KATE: How are you?
TREVOR: Fine.
KATE: Good. Susannah?
TREVOR: She’s all right. I think.
KATE: She downstairs, is she?
TREVOR: Not that I noticed.
KATE: Oh. You didn’t come with her then?
TREVOR: No. We were travelling separately.
KATE: Oh. Well…
TREVOR: Yes. [he laughs to himself somewhat bitterly]
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Are you coming down for this drink, Trevor, or are you… [seeing KATE] Oh.
KATE: Hallo.
MALCOLM: What are you doing?
KATE: Nothing.
MALCOLM: Oh. Right, [handing TREVOR his drink] Here you are then.
TREVOR: Thanks.
MALCOLM: Cheers then.
TREVOR: Cheers.
MALCOLM: [to KATE] You all right?
KATE: Fine.
MALCOLM: Well, what do you think of our place then, Trevor? Our new little love-nest. What’s the verdict? Not bad is it? Not bad. Quite nice.
TREVOR: Yes.
MALCOLM: Mind you, we’ve got a lot to do. Masses. This room for one. I mean, it’s not properly furnished or anything. Still, we’ll get it together. Give us time. Not bad though, is it?
TREVOR: No.
MALCOLM: And how are you and – er – well dare I ask – how are you and Susannah these days?
[TREVOR laughs]
Oh, all right. I’ve said enough. Said enough.
TREVOR: We’re still trying to – work something – out. You know.
MALCOLM: Good.
KATE: Good.
MALCOLM: Good.
TREVOR: I don’t know how successful we’re being but we’re trying. You know…
MALCOLM: Yes – well…
TREVOR: It’s a totally draining experience though. Once you get yourself committed to a – commitment – like Susannah and I have committed ourselves to, you get a situation of a totally outgoing – non – egotistical – giving – ness… a total submerging, you know.
MALCOLM: Yes, yes.
KATE: Yes.
TREVOR: You feel yourself – being pushed under…
MALCOLM: Yes.
TREVOR: As if on top of you were a great… a great…[he tails off]
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: Yes.
KATE: Yes.
[A long pause ]
[MALCOLM and KATE wait for TREVOR ]
TREVOR: [at length] Heavy weight. God.
[A silence]
KATE: [very quietly] Malcolm, I wonder if you could possibly get my things out of the bathroom.
MALCOLM: Your what?
KATE: My things.
MALCOLM: Your –? Oh, I see. That’s what you’re up to. Have you got nothing on under there?
KATE: [embarrassed] No.
MALCOLM: [laughing] Do you hear that, Trevor?
TREVOR: Eh?
MALCOLM: She’s got nothing on under there.
TREVOR: No, no.
MALCOLM: Hey hey! Wait there, I’ll…
[Doorbell rings]
Ah, somebody else. Hang on.
[MALCOLM darts out]
KATE: [calling after him vainly] Could you fetch my clothes before you… Trevor, I’m going to have to ask you in a minute if you’d mind… Trevor.
TREVOR: Sorry, Kath. I was miles away. I’m sorry. Kath, listen.
KATE: Kate, yes.
TREVOR: I was just thinking, what is the point of it all really. You and I. Take you and me. We start out in this world with the innocence of children. We start our lives like little children.
KATE: Well, we are.
TREVOR: Have you ever studied children at close range?
KATE: Oh yes. I like children.
TREVOR: I have. You have a close look at them sometime.
KATE: I have.
TREVOR: Really closely. And then look at yourself. You’ll be appalled at what’s happened to you, Kath. And this – this is the test. You try and think of three – I’m only asking for three – three good reasons why you shouldn’t throw yourself out of that window here and now.
KATE: I haven’t got any clothes on.
TREVOR: Three good reasons, eh.
KATE: Yes.
TREVOR: See what I mean?
KATE: Yes, I follow your reasoning.
TREVOR: You do?
KATE: Yes. I don’t agree with it but I think I can follow it.
TREVOR: You either don’t think things out at all or you’re lucky, Kath. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
[MALCOLM enters with a pile of coats]
[He also has KATE’s clothes]
MALCOLM: Whole load of people. Mike, Dave, Graham and Anna, Gareth and Gwen, Bob and Terry… oh, Trevor.
TREVOR: Mm?
MALCOLM: Now listen, Susannah’s arrived.
TREVOR: Oh.
MALCOLM: Now, there’s a house rule tonight. No arguments with your own wife. Anybody else’s wife but not your own, all right?
TREVOR: I should tell her – not me.
MALCOLM: Now, Trevor, one word you’re out.
TREVOR: I’ll try, Malcolm, I’ll try. [he goes out]
MALCOLM: I must say Susannah seems in good form. I opened the door to her, she burst into tears and ran straight into the bathroom. Oh well, press on… Hurry up and come down. They’re all arriving.
KATE: I will. Are those my clothes?
MALCOLM: Oh yes – here – [he throws them to her]
KATE: At last. [she snatches them gratefully]
[MALCOLM opens the door to leave]
MALCOLM: [calling] John… Brian… Dave. Don’t hang them there. It wasn’t designed to take any sort of weight. Bring them up here. Put them on the bed.
KATE: Oh… [she dives under the bedclothes and starts to dress]
[Cross fade to NICK]
NICK: [in extreme frustration] Aaah – aaah – aaaaah!
[He gets up on his elbows to see if he can see his book]
[in pain] Ah!
[NICK rolls over on to his front. He slithers sideways out of bed and finally lands on the floor on all fours with a clump. He yells again. He begins laboriously to crawl round to the end of the bed to reach his book]
[getting there] Ah-ha. Gotcha.
[He tries to get back on to the bed. He can’t make it. He brings the eiderdown slithering down on top of him]
Oh no. Jan. Help. Help.
[He lies on the floor helplessly]
NICK: Why me? Why me?
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s. MALCOLM enters with more coats which he throws on the bed]
MALCOLM: [calling behind him] Just along the passage there, Joan. It’s the blue door.
[As he turns to go, he passes SUSANNAH
coming in]
SUSANNAH: I didn’t realise there were going to be so many people.
MALCOLM: It’s a party, my darling, what do you expect.
SUSANNAH: Yes.
[MALCOLM goes]
[taking a deep breath] I am confident in myself. I have confidence in myself. I am not unattractive. I am attractive. People still find me attractive. I am not afraid of people. People are not frightening. There is nothing to be frightened of.
[During this, KATE’S head has popped up from under the sheets. She gapes at SUSANNAH in wonderment, SUSANNAH sees her. She jumps very nervously]
KATE: Hallo. Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.
SUSANNAH: I was just doing my – exercises. I do them whenever I’m alone. Or when I feel alone. They help.
KATE: Oh yes.
SUSANNAH: Trevor’s here, I suppose?
KATE: Yes, yes.
SUSANNAH: He hasn’t said hallo to me, I notice. No doubt he’s better things to occupy him.
KATE: Well…
SUSANNAH: I see that woman’s here.
KATE: Who’s that?
SUSANNAH: Whatever her name is. Jan.
KATE: Oh, Jan. Yes. Poor old Nick’s in bed. He’s ill.
SUSANNAH: Oh. Is he? How lucky for her.
KATE: Excuse me. I must pop down. See things are all right.
SUSANNAH: Kate.
KATE: Yes.
SUSANNAH: Just a moment.
KATE: Yes.
SUSANNAH: Tell me something. Do you and Malcolm still have… how are you and Malcolm?
KATE: Oh, very well.
SUSANNAH: Truly?
KATE: Yes.
SUSANNAH: You can be honest, you know.
KATE: Yes. Well. We have a bit of a laugh. You know.
[Doorbell rings]
KATE: Oh, there’s the…
SUSANNAH: I don’t know if you know it but things for Trevor and me have gone totally wrong.
KATE: Yes, I heard a rumour.
SUSANNAH: I’m sure everyone’s heard a rumour. We’re neither of us very good at – conventional cover-ups. Is it still exciting for you?
KATE: What?
SUSANNAH: God, Trevor used to excite me. I was so excited by that man. Do you know what it feels like to be really excited?
KATE: Yes, yes, I think so.
SUSANNAH: When we weren’t actually physically here in the bed… you know, making love – I felt empty – utterly incomplete.
KATE: Yes, it is nice sometimes, isn’t it…
SUSANNAH: And now. Now, it’s a desert. We hardly touch, you know.
KATE: Oh.
SUSANNAH: I think I actually revolt him.
KATE: Oh, surely not.
SUSANNAH: I sometimes feel that. Suddenly I’ve lost all my identity. Some mornings, who am I, I say. Who am I? And I don’t know. I terrify myself. [leaning towards KATE confidentially] I saw this girl in the street the other day – about my age – a little bit younger. Do you know, I felt aroused by her. Attracted.
KATE: Oh.
SUSANNAH: Isn’t that terrifying?
KATE: Yes.
SUSANNAH: Not that the feeling in itself is terrifying. I don’t believe the feeling in itself is wrong but what it means is that all the things I used to think I knew about myself I know longer know.
KATE: [who has been gently backing away] Yes, yes.
SUSANNAH: I suppose you’re beautifully uncomplicated, Kate.
KATE: Yes, I think so. Look, I must pop down. Do you want to…?
SUSANNAH: Could I just lie down for a moment?
KATE: Oh yes, yes, do. Move the coats.
SUSANNAH: Thanks. I’ll pluck up courage in a minute. I’m sorry, I’m being absolutely useless.
KATE: No, no, no. Not at all. See you in a minute.
SUSANNAH: Yes.
[KATE goes]
[SUSANNAH clears a few coats from one side of the bed. Dramatically, she throws herself back on to the pillow. She strikes her head. She discovers the boots in the pillowcase. She looks puzzled. She lies back again]
[Cross fade to NICK]
NICK: [in the same position as before] Help…
[Cross fade to DELIA and ERNEST]
[DELIA and ERNEST return from their meal]
ERNEST: Well, that place has certainly gone off.
DELIA: You can say that again. Disastrous meal.
ERNEST: Three times as expensive too.
DELIA: Yes. I noticed you deliberately undertipped.
ERNEST: I didn’t deliberately undertip. I just didn’t bring enough money with me.
DELIA: That Spaniard looked even more miserable than last year.
ERNEST: Serve him right. Highway robbery.
DELIA: And that asparagus was out of a tin.
ERNEST: That wasn’t bad.
DELIA: No, it was quite nice but it was out of a tin.
ERNEST: Oh yes, certainly out of a tin.
DELIA: I’ve never felt so over-dressed in my life. All those young men, none of them with a tie. And all those girls in slacks.
ERNEST: Well, they didn’t bother me.
DELIA: It’s all those labels sewn all over their bottoms and places I find so off-putting. I mean, nobody can seriously want to read people’s bottoms. I mean, one girl had reams.
ERNEST: I think that’s the thing, isn’t it?
DELIA: When I was their age, I spent all my time making sure nobody could read my labels. I mean, we would rather have died than show a label.
ERNEST: We used to show the odd label, I think. On the inside of the jacket. Let the other chap see you had a tailor. Ah well, back to worrying about the roof, I suppose.
DELIA: I don’t know about you but I’m still feeling distinctly peckish.
ERNEST: Are you? Yes, I am a bit.
DELIA: There’s some sardines downstairs.
ERNEST: Sardines. That sounds attractive.
DELIA: On toast?
ERNEST: Rather. Let’s go the whole hog if we’re going to.
DELIA: Tell you what…
ERNEST: Um?
DELIA: Let’s be really really wicked…
ERNEST: Eh?
DELIA: Let’s eat them in bed.
ERNEST: In bed?
DELIA: Sardines on toast in bed, do you remember?
ERNEST: Good lord, yes. You’ve got a memory. Sardines on toast in bed, yes.
DELIA: I was expecting Trevor…
ERNEST: That’s right. Are you sure it wasn’t baked beans?
DELIA: No, not baked beans. Sardines.
ERNEST: Yes, quite right. Sardines. All right, we’ll go one better. I’ll go and hot them up while you get into your jim-jams.
DELIA: Oh, all right.
ERNEST: No sooner said…
DELIA: What fun.
ERNEST: Off you go.
[DELIA goes into the bathroom]
[ERNEST takes his pyjamas from under his pillow and goes off the other way]
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]
[SUSANNAH still on the bed]
[KATE ushers in TREVOR]
KATE: She’s in here, Trevor, having a lie down. Here he is, Susannah. Found him for you.
[KATE goes out]
[TREVOR wanders to the window]
[SUSANNAH doesn’t move]
TREVOR: Tired?
SUSANNAH: No.
TREVOR: If you’re tired, you shouldn’t have come.
SUSANNAH: If I listened to you I wouldn’t go anywhere at all. Mind you, you’d prefer that I’m sure. [pause] You don’t have to stay up here with me, you know. I’m very used to being on my own. And I’m sure there’s lots of people down there you’d rather be talking to.
Three Plays Page 19
