Dating Disasters of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  I can’t believe they went to London Zoo. On a date. A date to London Zoo like a real couple. A real couple in a real, Facebook official relationship. UGH. It’s like celebrities who have a verified tick on Twitter. It just makes them more valid as human beings, somehow.

  POSTED BY MISSH 3:30 P.M.

  Mum came back from a meeting with a new client and started babbling at me from the hallway. It did actually feel nice to hear someone talking in the real world, even if it was about mood lighting and sinks without plugs.

  “Anyway, I told her I don’t care how nice they look, a sink without a plug is insane. I refuse to be that kind of designer...”

  She came in, looked at me and sighed.

  “Lovely, is that how you greet me now?” I demanded.

  “I’m sick of you, quite frankly, Emma. Look, I know you’re upset,” she blathered on, “but it doesn’t mean you can lounge around here being moody, not cleaning up after yourself.”

  One time I forgot to clear up my breakfast tray, and now I will never hear the end of it. And if she chooses to refer to my heartbreak in such diminishing terms, i.e. “being moody,” then I will obviously choose not to answer her.

  She stood in the doorway, scanning me with judging eyes.

  “You’re not the only one who’s ever been upset in a relationship, you know. What about me? The Poison Penns? The entire world?”

  (Who are the Poison Penns?)

  “I know you’ve been upset, Mum.”

  I wanted to add, “because you make poor decisions,” but I didn’t.

  “Get up and get on with it,” she said, walking off before I could get another word in.

  I hate when she does that!!

  Of course, I could get up and get on with it, but I’m too comfortable. Why can’t a girl have a few months where she lies in her own filth and literally doesn’t move unless it’s to urinate? I’m hardly going to start taking life advice from her.

  Reasons I Will Not Be Taking Life Advice from My Mother

  She’s seeing a man who takes off his clothes in front of other women for a living. Bit of a red flag when you’re already a possessive person. Which she pretends not to be, but she is.

  She knew that about him when she chose to go out with him. It’s not like she met him, liked him and then found out. It was listed on his online dating profile.

  He’s about ten years younger than her. Absolutely fine, in theory, if only she didn’t keep going out with younger men and then moaning when they want different things. “Mum,” I said once, “you know there’s a solution, and match.com has made it really easy for you. See that little bar? Where you put your age range in? You just need to shift it along a bit.” Then she threw something at me.

  I’m her own daughter, and I don’t even know if she’s still seeing him. Who knows what’s happening with her love life? Does she even know? They’re on and off like Ross and Rachel, but weirder and in no way romantic.

  POSTED BY MISSH 10:31 P.M.

  Still, I can be mean about her online dating antics all I like but she may have a point. I thought it was time to finally communicate with the outside world and get a valid, nonparental opinion. So Steph came over. When she arrived I heard Mum say, “She’s somewhere in the darkness. Just follow the smell.”

  “How are you?” Steph asked cautiously, perching on the edge of the sofa. I looked even more pale and sickly next to her gorgeous dark skin, and she looked really good in her football kit. It sort of made me maybe want to get changed out of my giant, stained pajamas, but only for a moment.

  “Fine,” I replied.

  “Clearly,” she said, glancing at the huge pile of tissues at my feet.

  We sat in silence for a moment, and then I broke down in tears.

  “He’s got another girlfriend,” I sobbed.

  “I know,” she said, putting her arms around me.

  “And he didn’t even tell me.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m nothing.”

  “You’re not nothing. You’re definitely something.”

  We stayed hugging for a while, until she said, “Emma, this is all lovely and everything, but on second thoughts can we hug after you’ve had a shower?” She moved away.

  “Oh God. Look at me. This happened two months ago and I still feel exactly the same about it. I mean, yes, that status only just came up. But we stopped speaking at the beginning of summer. In two months I have made zero progress. How is that possible?”

  “Maybe because instead of actually trying to make progress you keep stewing over how you’ve made no progress.”

  I sensed her annoyance then. It was time to ask the important question.

  “Steph, am I being truly unbearable?”

  “No, I mean...well...”

  “It’s OK. You can tell me.”

  She took a deep breath.

  “Well, the rate at which you ask me how I am has definitely gone down in proportion with how much you sit around pretending to be Miss Havisham. But that’s fine, there’s definitely an allowance for this.”

  “Ugh, for about two weeks, not two months. I’m so sorry.”

  “Emma, it’s OK, I don’t mind. I’m just a bit worried. Don’t you think it’s time to move on? I mean...Leon has.”

  “Ouch.”

  “I’m sorry, Emmy, I’m not trying to be mean. I just really want you to see it like it is. I know you liked him, that’s probably an understatement, but...”

  “But he’s with Anna now. Who is categorically better than me. I know, I have the proof.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I made a pro/con list.”

  “I... You did WHAT?!”

  For some reason this made her truly, deeply angry with me. Angrier than she has been with me all summer, angrier than she was when Oberyn’s head got squished on Game of Thrones. She launched into a full-on rant,

  “EMMA. A PRO/CON LIST?! Come on!! Where’s your dignity and...sense of self-worth?! Where’s your feminism?! You’re not like...objects to be compared!!! You’re both PEOPLE. Leon treating you like this has nothing to do with Anna, or you, and by the way...you completely don’t deserve to be treated like this!!!”

  She took my phone and made me delete the pro/con list. Eventually, she calmed down, and started breathing normally again. Before she left I said, “I’m not pretending to be Miss Havisham, by the way, I’m channeling her.”

  “Whatever you say.”

  POSTED BY MISSH 11:18 P.M.

  Ugh. Steph is so, so right!! An Emma/Apple pro/con list??? Is this what I’ve been reduced to?! Measuring myself against another girl? I should never have been left to sit around wondering what I did wrong, and I definitely shouldn’t be sitting around comparing myself with Leon’s new girlfriend!!! Making myself feel bad, or feeling the need to insult her when this is completely not her fault! People are different, and you know what, if he didn’t like me and he liked Bland Face, then he should have had the guts to say it to my face. Or at least my direct message inbox.

  An Ode to Steph

  Oh Steph you make the skies seem blue, which they are in fact and that is true, but without you they might as well be poo, because without you oh what, oh what would I do?

  Quite like that. Sent it to her. She said:

  You are a freak. Sx 11:14 p.m.

  FRIDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER

  I.E. DAY 48 OF DESPAIR

  POSTED BY MISSH 12:46 P.M.

  Ghosting—Is This an Actual Thing?

  Got an email from Gracie. It said, “I know you don’t want to talk but this might help xx,” and then she linked me to some article about something called “ghosting.”

  The Urban Dictionary definition of “Ghosting,” just in case you were wondering:

  The act of suddenly ceasing all communicati
on with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

  Was this supposed to make me feel better?!?!

  POSTED BY MISSH 6:28 P.M.

  Spent the last five hours reading horror stories about ghosting. One woman was dating a man for eighteen months, had met his parents and agreed to move in, and one day he was just...gone. She went round to his flat and he’d moved out. She eventually got in touch with his old flatmate and apparently he was living in Scotland with another girl. Even more bizarre, one woman had been married (yes, MARRIED) to a man for twelve years (TWELVE YEARS) and one day they went to the local swimming pool. One moment he was there, doing his lengths nearby, and the next he was gone. Just like that. Did he get up and go in his trunks?? It’s two years later and she’s still technically married to him.

  Aghh, I must stop this! YET ANOTHER DAY HAS BEEN WASTED FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I need to focus on something else, anything else!! THE TIME HAS COME. Something good has to come out of this pathetic, miserable summer!! I will forget about Leon and his complete, utter rejection of me that makes me want to do nothing but lie in darkness watching serial killer documentaries on Netflix. I WILL NOT BE LEFT LOST AND CONFUSED IN A SWIMMING POOL.

  I deserve so much more than a “ghosting,” and so does every other human being on the planet! I always knew it, in a sort of vague way like how you know you should floss, but now I’m really starting to feel it. Ugh. What a JERK. He had me feeling bad about not baking. I HATE BAKING. AND THAT IS FINE. It’s not like he’s so perfect, either... Let’s take a moment to examine Leon’s CONS, why don’t we!!

  POSTED BY MISSH 6:57 P.M.

  Reasons Why Leon Naylor Is NOT Worth Any Girl’s Time or Virginity

  He ends relationships by pretending girls no longer exist. Do I need to go on? No, but I will anyway because there’s more.

  He eats far too many Chewits. There are other foods, you know.

  He finds fart humor way too funny. Sometimes it is, but there’s a time and a place.

  Relating to my last point, he is completely juvenile.

  He’s actually kind of stupid. He’s always getting me to help with his Maths, Physics & Chemistry (he really struggles with anything vaguely numerical). He pretends like he doesn’t care but he tries SO HARD in everything and usually gets bad marks anyway. He once confided in me that he felt like his parents loved his brother more, because he was the smart one and applying to medical schools. I told him it wasn’t true, but it probably is.

  Oh, and his brother is better looking than him, too.

  I hate him.

  POSTED BY MISSH 11:48 P.M.

  I’m going to bed consumed with rage. I’m shaking a little bit and my teeth are chattering, I’m so angry. At least, I am for about five minutes and then I feel sad again. And then angry. And then sad. It feels good to finally be angry, I think, but it also feels like my body is too small for everything that’s going on inside me. It’s like a cage. How can everything that I’m feeling be contained in me, in this little room, in this little house? And everyone else’s feelings inside them, in their little rooms, in their little houses? All trapped inside ourselves sitting alongside each other in this big mess? Why hasn’t the world imploded?

  I think anger must mean I’m feeling a bit better, anyway.

  SATURDAY, 6 SEPTEMBER

  I.E. DAY 1 OF RECOVERY

  POSTED BY MISSH 10:50 A.M.

  Fueled by a new outrage that has lasted for over twenty-four hours now, I have decided to take some action in my life. This has seemed a very remote and unreachable possibility all summer, and my reasons for feeling this way now are fourfold:

  Anger and disbelief that I have been sitting around being this pitiable, for this long, over someone who has yet to even pay me the courtesy of a rude breakup text.

  Panic that my own mother and best friend will stop talking to me if I don’t stop being so annoying. It’s not like I’m exactly swimming in friends as it is.

  The realization that not only have I succeeded in alienating all my friends, I seem to have estranged myself. (When did that happen? When did I become this pathetic person I really, intensely dislike?)

  A belief (or hope) that there must surely be a better use for the internet than for self-involved moping, and stalking my ex-boyfriend.

  For these reasons I have started redesigning my blog, which is as pathetic as I am. Goodbye, My Dingy Internet Cave.

  POSTED BY MISSH 11:01 A.M.

  Should I also throw away my Chewit wrapper collection of all the Chewits Leon ever gave me?

  POSTED BY MISSH 11:04 A.M.

  Let’s not go too far.

  EDITING EMMA

  (THE SECRET BLOG OF A NEARLY PROPER PERSON)

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:47 A.M.

  Today is the day. Today is the day that I, Emma Nash—in light of the above realizations—set upon a mission that I hope will change lives, beginning with that of my own, and then maybe my mother’s. From this moment on I shall no longer be Emma, but Editing Emma, striving to make positive changes to my life (or “edits,” if you will).

  I have made a discovery of what I consider to be one of the human race’s biggest untapped resources...the internet. OK, so the internet has already technically been discovered and has in fact become the world’s most important tool for communication. BUT, when it comes to DATING, I strongly believe we’ve been using it the wrong way. Here’s why:

  For the past two months I have used it to stalk the same not-worth-anyone’s-time-or-virginity waste of space over and over, thus never getting over it and perpetuating the myth that we are still somewhat involved.

  I have used it only to make myself feel more alone and focus on the person who abandoned me, rather than for connecting with other human beings (i.e. THE WHOLE REASON IT WAS INVENTED).

  Though my mother does use it to “connect,” as it were, I often observe her on whatever new dating site she is currently a member of meeting EXACTLY the same kind of creeps she meets down at the pub.

  For these reasons, I feel we have been missing out on all the internet has to offer. Over 50 percent of people in THE WORLD have a presence on a social network, and we are each and every one of us connected to hundreds, maybe thousands of other human beings... Amongst these there is bound to be someone out there for all of us—someone maybe even already in our life, who we may well have met and overlooked.

  From now on, instead of using the internet to obsess over the same person, I will try using it to get to know someone different. What’s more, someone NOT AT ALL LIKE LEON. I am determined to prove to myself and my fellow comrades in the search for an at least 50 percent functional relationship that, with the internet’s help, it can and will be found. (I think. Maybe. Let’s give it a try.)

  RESOLUTIONS

  1) Stop isolating myself.

  I will do this by:

  Resuming regular washing, so that people want to go near me.

  Dedicating more time to real-life people than characters in TV shows.

  2) STOP obsessing about Leon, and stalking him online.

  I will do this by:

  Trying instead to use my phone/laptop to meet someone else, someone who will actually be nice to me.

  Recording my findings here for the rest of the world to see!! (Steph and my mum.) No more will I lurk around moping in my dark, crusty little internet hovel, but I will use this space for something productive!

  Behold...my new blog.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:07 P.M.

  Experiment 1

  Facebook: Because the Person You’ve Been Looking for Could Be Right Under Your Virtual Nose

  Right. Time to start on my res
olutions... If I want to begin the new term afresh, I’m going to have to stop stalking Leon. And, er...start stalking other people.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:43 P.M.

  Or I could always go to my room and masturbate all afternoon. It does seem infinitely more appealing.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:18 P.M.

  Six orgasms in half an hour. That’s one every five minutes. If you look at my daily activity based on masturbation alone, I’m actually an incredibly productive person.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:02 P.M.

  I’ve bathed. It happened.

  Mum knocked on my door.

  “What do you want?” I grunted.

  “I’ve run you a bath, and you’re getting in it. You’re revolting,” she called from outside.

  I saw myself in the mirror, red-faced, bedraggled and be-styed, with one hand down my pajama bottoms, and I knew she wasn’t wrong.

  I’m actually feeling way more positive now that I’m clean.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:41 P.M.

  Called Steph to tell her about my resolutions.

  She said, “I’m totally on board. But I think you might need a new strategy.”

  “Why?”

  “How will you meet anyone new, from people that you already know?”

  “Aha! But see, I’ve been thinking about this. How many of your Facebook friends are you actually friends with?”

  “Oh God. I don’t know. Err... I’m going to say about 15 percent.”

  “Exactly!!”

  “So what? I still know what they all look like.”

  “It’s not just about looks, Steph.”

  “Disagree.”

  “But I didn’t even like Leon, in that way, for the first two months of knowing him. I think we could already KNOW our soul mates, just not know that they’re our soul mates yet.”

  “So you’re saying...Willie Thomas might have hidden depths?”

  (Willie Thomas is a boy in our art class who looms way too close to girls to try and look down their tops. He also has really bad breath.)