Dating Disasters of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  Me toooo! And video games. 9:12 p.m.

  Hmm. That didn’t go too badly.

  I hope you don’t think I’m lame but you have really pretty eyes :) 9:19 p.m.

  The memory of Leon telling me that I have pretty eyes and making me walk around with my eyes closed, because it wasn’t fair on all the other eyes, drifts through my mind... Then he kissed each eyelid and slowly down my face, to my mouth...

  Can’t do any more of this today. Shoved my phone in my drawer. I’m going to go and have a good cry to some dramatic music. Maybe Kate Bush.

  THURSDAY, 25 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:58 A.M.

  Faith’s Family Is NOT Religious (and They Still Maybe Mind Her Being Gay)

  I was walking to Chapel with Faith, and she dropped a bombshell.

  “Faith, do you think you’d still be afraid to tell your parents you’re gay if they weren’t Catholic?”

  “My parents aren’t Catholic.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “They’re not Catholic.”

  “What are they, then??”

  “Nothing, really. They go to church sometimes but I’m not sure if they actually believe.”

  “Then why are you and your sister called Faith and Hope?!”

  “They just liked the names.”

  “Well, this is a bit of a shock, Faith. First, you’re friends with Alex Griffin, now you’re not Catholic.”

  “I can’t believe you thought I was CATHOLIC... Oh my God.”

  Silence.

  “Is that why you asked my dad if he used to dream of being the Pope?!”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:15 A.M.

  The Subtle, Coded Communication That Is “Eye Contact”

  Alex Griffin is on the other side of the Sixth Form Centre, playing pool with his friends, and we KEEP making meaningful eye contact.

  “Why don’t you go over and say hi?” asked Gracie.

  “I don’t need to, Gracie, we’re saying so much already.”

  “Like what?” she asked, genuinely interested. She has so much to learn from me.

  “OK, so, earlier, one of the girls he was playing leaned across him and he looked at me as if to say, ‘Don’t worry, she’s just a friend.’”

  “Right.”

  “And all the other looks have basically just meant...‘I fancy you.’ But deeper than that.”

  Gracie looked over at Alex.

  “Are you sure it doesn’t just mean that you’re looking at him, so he looks back at you?”

  I sighed. “Of course, not everyone can communicate in this way. You have to be a natural, like moi.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:15 P.M.

  Should I add Alex on Facebook? I mean, we’re already speaking on WhatsApp, but Facebook friending is sort of taking things to the next level. It’s basically the real world.

  Making the move...

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:35 P.M.

  Hmm, my Friend Request has still not been accepted. So he’s no Laurence Myer, then.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:04 P.M.

  Friend Request accepted!!! He’s online. Is he going to say hello...? If only there was some kind of messenger that notified you when people logged on and off. Is it worth a shot anyway?

  Logging on.

  Logging off.

  Logging on...

  Nothing. Hmm. I may have to rethink my strategy. This would be so much easier if we actually had the same circle of online friends. Then I could like loads of things, and it would come up in his most recent activity.

  ... Though we do have one mutual friend I can think of...

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:29 P.M.

  Faith: I don’t know what you’re doing or why but STOP hounding me with notifications 10:17 p.m.

  FINE. Who else are we mutually friends with...? Hmm. A few people from the year above... Eeny meeny...miny...moe. Sorry, Steven Lucy, prepare to be inundated with unwanted attention.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:55 P.M.

  For the past five minutes I’ve been liking EVERYTHING on Steven Lucy’s page. It is almost exclusively stuff about sea life (did you know scientists have discovered the first biofluorescent reptile?) but still I am met with SILENCE. Zero. Squat. I’m actually feeling quite rejected. Did our loaded glances across the Sixth Form Centre mean nothing to him?!

  Evidence: It is much harder to catch people’s attention online than in the real world, without being able to physically place yourself in their field of vision.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:59 P.M.

  Steven Lucy: Hi ;)

  NO, STEVEN. YOU ARE THE BAIT, NOT THE FISH.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:07 P.M.

  I’m actually feeling a little hurt. I added him, so I categorically CANNOT be the one to say hello. There is an etiquette in internet socializing and that would definitely be going against the rules. I am aware that relentlessly stalking our mutual friends in the hopes that he’ll see my name come up and speak to me is more desperate than just saying hello in the first place, but no one knows about that. You can do whatever you want as long as people don’t know.

  FRIDAY, 26 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:13 A.M.

  Possibly the Most Insulting Thing Anyone’s Ever Said to Me

  “If I were a Pokémon, what do you think I’d be?” chimed Steph.

  “Umm...Flareon.”

  She shone with pride.

  “What about me?”

  “Jigglypuff.”

  “What, a pink, useless ball?!”

  “Well...”

  “I can’t believe I gave you Flareon and you’re giving me Jigglypuff.”

  “All right, you’d be Ninetales.”

  “No, no, it’s too late now.”

  I will never get over this.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:02 A.M.

  Message from Alex asking me what I was up to. It felt a little anticlimactic after all last night’s efforts. I suppose I might have been excited about it, if it wasn’t written like “wuu2?” and if Leon hadn’t walked past arm in arm with Apple at that exact moment.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:14 A.M.

  Messaged Alex back and asked if he wanted to meet up this weekend. He said:

  OK. I could come to the park by my house. 10:59 a.m.

  Hmm. Not exactly brimming with enthusiasm, I’ll admit... But then, neither am I. I’m getting the vibe that Alex is not going to meet the criteria I originally set out (“an at least 50 percent functional relationship”). So really it just depends how desperate I am for some seedy physical contact in a park.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:58 P.M.

  Quite desperate, apparently. I just replied and said yes. But I did think about it for at least eleven minutes.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:50 P.M.

  Online Stalking When Someone’s in the Room:

  Acceptable or Not?

  So I’m in Home Ec. Apple is also in the room...baking and giggling and chatting. I can see people nodding emphatically at whatever she’s saying. I started stalking her on my phone and occasionally looking up to stare at the back of her head, but then I started to feel like Glenn Close, sitting turning a light switch on, and off, and on, and off...

  Why does it feel OK to stalk someone on the internet when they’re not in the room, but not OK if they are in the room? It’s exactly the same action. Really, when you think about it, it changes nothing whether she’s in the room or not.

  Logically, I see no reason to not continue stalking.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:51 A.M.

  Actual Stalking: Definitely Not Acceptable

  I was just drifting off to sleep... When Mum came crashing through the door.

  “Are you dressed?”

 
; “What?”

  “Are you decent?”

  “Yes, I’m wearing a ball gown under here.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  “Why??”

  Then she threw a black wig at me. The one Steph bought when she was an emo.

  “Put this on. We’re going out.”

  “Again...why??”

  “We’re on a mission.”

  Half an hour later we were driving really slowly past Olly’s house... Mum had sunglasses on, and it was pitch-black. Sort of worrying, really.

  “Mum. There’s probably at least an 85 percent chance of you crashing.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Hmm, not reassured. This is definitely not how I want to be found dead and remembered. Stalking a stripper in the middle of the night, wearing a wig that makes me look like Alice Cooper.”

  Fifteen minutes later we were still driving round.

  “What exactly are we looking for, Mum?”

  “I don’t know...signs that he’s lying.”

  “About what?”

  “Well, he might be married, I don’t know, do I?”

  Silence. We circled his road for the fourth time.

  “Mum, this is ridiculous. All the lights are off and I left my night-vision goggles at spy school.”

  “I’m looking for his car. I can’t see it.”

  “What kind of car is it?”

  “Errr...it’s red.”

  “There are about five red cars.”

  “No, I don’t think any of them are his.”

  “You can’t even remember what car it is!!”

  “They look different.”

  “But they could be his?”

  “I don’t think so, no.”

  Silence.

  “I don’t think he even lives here... The prick.”

  I was just pointing out that she might be jumping to conclusions, when his front door opened and she sped off like a madwoman, skewing my wig.

  “Why did you do that?? We didn’t even see who it was!”

  “What if it was him and he saw me? That would be awful!!!”

  Evidence: Stalking in real life is more difficult, as well as more frowned upon than internet stalking.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Tonight I learned that neither me nor my mother will ever have a career in espionage

  SATURDAY, 27 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:37 A.M.

  When I got back last night I fell asleep attempting to masturbate over Alex. In my defense it was very late thanks to Mum’s nighttime escapades, but I have never once fallen asleep masturbating! Am I losing my sex drive?? Have I peaked already?! Will I never have the chance to share my urges with anyone other than me?

  I suppose if I no longer have the urges, I’ll no longer care. Like being dead.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:55 A.M.

  I’m meeting Alex at half-one, but I’ve told Mum that I’m going shopping uptown with Faith. I just can’t be bothered with the hassle of telling her since she got all weird about Paolo. When I came down she said,

  “Why are you up so early?”

  I said, “A bird flew into my window.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:34 A.M.

  Messaged Faith.

  If my mum calls later, I’m at yours but on the toilet. And I didn’t end up buying anything xx 11:29 a.m.

  No. I told you not to use me as an excuse. X 11:31 a.m.

  She can be such a downer sometimes.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:31 P.M.

  Messaged Steph:

  Heading for the park now 1:18 p.m.

  Circling around the park a few times so that I’m not so on time 1:27 p.m.

  Hahah! Hope he’s not a Paolo. Sx 1:28 p.m.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:37 P.M.

  The Paranoia of Meeting People You’ve Not Really Met Before

  There have been a couple of boys pass by who I thought might be Alex in the distance, but they both carried on walking.

  Oh God. Maybe it was him and he did recognize me, but decided to walk away anyway?

  Maybe he’s forgotten?

  Maybe I got the wrong day?

  Maybe this was all an elaborate joke?

  Maybe I should calm down as he’s only seven minutes late. I’m turning into my mum.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:46 P.M.

  Is he there yet? 1:40 p.m.

  Not yet. 1:43 p.m.

  Wait. Oh my God. I think this might be it. 1:44 p.m.

  A car is pulling up. 1:44 p.m.

  ?!?! 1:45 p.m.

  And a middle-aged woman is getting out. Clearly not for me. 1:45 p.m.

  Though, she does seem to be heading towards me... 1:46 p.m.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 2:29 P.M.

  I’m Never EVER Meeting Anyone Again EVER

  Scrap that, I’m never leaving the house again, ever. Aghhhhh!!! After the car pulled up... No. I can’t even write it. The wound is still too raw.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:05 P.M.

  What Happened

  If I just write it down, maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t seem so bad.

  The car pulled up and the woman got out. Then...a small boy got out of the car from the other side. He trailed along behind her and they both started heading for me.

  I kept thinking...they MUST have the wrong person.

  But then they KEPT coming towards me.

  Even when the woman stopped abruptly in front of me, I still couldn’t quite believe that they were coming to meet me. I thought maybe they were going to ask me for directions. She was very groomed and wearing a cream suit, and she put her hand on one hip.

  “Aren’t you a bit old, my love?” She frowned.

  It was only then that the reality hit.

  Oh no, I thought. No no no no no no no. Please no.

  I looked at the small boy cowering just behind her.

  “Alex?” I whimpered.

  He didn’t say anything. He was just frozen in horror.

  “Uh, this is Charlie. Alex’s brother,” the woman said.

  Writing it down didn’t help.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:22 P.M.

  Speaking About It Didn’t Help, Either

  Phoned Steph.

  “Steph.”

  “Emma.”

  “Steph. I should be locked behind bars.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Alex. He was...not Alex.”

  “I still don’t understand.”

  I took a deep breath.

  “I’ve been talking to his YOUNGER BROTHER. He was THIRTEEN.”

  I hung up on her because she couldn’t stop laughing. I half felt like joining in but the overwhelming feeling of wanting to sink into the ground took over. Five minutes later, she phoned back.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll stop now. What happened?!”

  “He turned up with his mum.”

  More laughter. I hung up again.

  Then my mum called.

  “Where are you?” she said through gritted teeth.

  My heart plummeted.

  “On the train.”

  “From where?”

  “Shopping with Faith. I already told you.”

  “Oh, really. Because I happen to know Faith’s at home, doing her homework.”

  Oh God. Think. Must turn it around. Play hurt and hard done by.

  “Were you SPYING on me? First Olly and now ME? I can’t believe you!!! I can’t believe you wouldn’t trust me!!”

  “Yeah, well, evidently with good reason. I bumped into Faith’s mum and dad on the high street, and they had no knowledge whatsoever of a shopping trip.”

  Oh God. There really is no g
etting out of this one.

  “I don’t believe this... Faith must have a DOPPELGÄNGER.”

  It might have worked on The Vampire Diaries.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:33 P.M.

  Faith phoned.

  “Oh my God, Emma!! DON’T GO TO MEET ALEX!!! Stop!! Turn around! Go home!”

  “Faith. You’re a bit late.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes.”

  “Oh NO.”

  “Oh yes.”

  “I’m SO sorry!!! I just heard my parents talking about how Jane was taking Charlie on his first date to the park today and how cute it was...and my heart stopped. Emma, I swear to God, that was his number, honestly. He must have given his old phone to his little brother. I’m sooooo so sorry!!!”

  “It’s all right, Faith. These things happen.”

  “Do they?”

  “For a moment can you just...pretend they do?”

  “Oh sure, sure. Yes. These things happen all the time.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:47 P.M.

  Lingering on the path to our house, which at the moment looks about as much fun as the Bates Motel.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:08 P.M.

  How to End Up Grounded

  When I went to put the key in the lock the door opened by itself...and Mum was standing behind it, looking very grave.

  “Explain,” she barked.

  “I went to meet a friend.”

  “What friend?”

  “His name’s Alex.”

  “How come I’ve never heard of this Alex?”

  “I don’t need to tell you everything, Mum. We’re not Rory and Lorelai.”

  “When it involves you going God knows where to meet God knows who, you do need to tell me.”

  “Not God knows where to meet God knows who... To the park. To meet Alex.”

  “The park?!” she exclaimed. “The PARK?! Were there even people around, you stupid, stupid girl?!”

  “YES, Mum. About fifty parents pushing their children on swings.”

  (How apt.)

  “And how do you know this Alex? Hmm?”

  “He’s friends with Faith.”

  “Mmm. Just like that Paolo boy was friends with Jess? I’m not an idiot, Emma. You didn’t go out all summer and now you’re meeting boys left, right and center.”

  “I went out a bit...”

  “I mean, what are you playing at? WHY are you meeting random strangers off the internet?”