Sophia moved over to the cordless phone on the counter and called a cab whilst Julia ran upstairs to find her one of her jackets. Within half an hour the cab had drawn outside and Sophia was safe inside the taxi on her way home. The children were still glued to the television screen, totally oblivious to the momentous goings on in the kitchen. Like some young athlete Julia sprinted upstairs in a frenzy to get rid of the evidence. She ran into the bedroom and threw back the quilt covers. She took off all the bed linen including the quilt cover, the sheets and the pillow cases and ran downstairs with the heavy pile of laundry and stuffed the load into the washing machine. She then ran back upstairs and made the bed with fresh sheets. She then opened the bedroom window to let in the fresh, clean air.
In the bathroom she changed all the towels and ran hot water down the bath to make sure that there was no evidence left of any blood stains. She brought out the mop and quickly mopped up the bathroom floor to ensure that no traces of blood were left. The bathroom was spotless; however, like some Lady Macbeth Julia kept seeing the image of Sophia sitting there in her bathroom all covered in blood like some gory waxwork at Madame Tussauds. She even cleaned her hairbrush to remove any traces of Sophia’s hair from it. Half-way through all this she received a message from Ben telling her how much he was looking forward to arriving back home and how much he had missed her and the children. She pictured him sending her the message from an airport cafe while he munched on a bagel and sipped coffee from a Styrofoam cup. The message brought her back to the normality of what was going on, it was Christmas Eve, her husband was coming home, they would have a lovely evening at home together, he was expecting a home-cooked dinner. They would open a bottle of wine; the children would join in attempting to relate their stories of what had occurred over the past few days. Julia would tell him about the trivial things she had done, omitting of course the huge monster of an event that had occurred last night. It was going to be a hard test to surpass but one in which she couldn’t fail. A promise was a promise and she had every intention of keeping it. She would never betray Sophia.
As the day wore on Julia got caught up in the errands she had put off the previous day. The shops were especially busy with last minute shoppers and the fact that few people had gone out the previous day meant that half the village was out now in a frenzy of last minute preparations. Julia carried out her errands as planned, stocking up on fresh bread and vegetables for Christmas lunch the next day and even finding the time to cut some fresh flowers from the garden. She sniffed in their scent as she set about arranging them in two glass vases. She placed the smaller vase in the centre of their dining room table and the larger one on her kitchen counter at the opposite end from the oven door so that the flowers would not wilt with the heat.
The hours ticked on and before she knew it Ben was home and the feeling of normality had intensified tenfold. She had hidden everything well and she had even concealed the faint bags under her eyes which were beginning to show from her lack of sleep the previous night. She felt exhausted; she was not used to such sleepless night. The children had now been sleeping through the night for years, including Laura, and so her nights were totally uninterrupted. Now she felt as if her body was on auto pilot, serving the food, listening to the drone of the conversation and carrying on as if her body was acting of its own accord. She hoped that Ben would not have any amorous intentions after dinner. She was too tired for any love-making, but this would yet again mean that Sophia had taken precedence in her life. She really couldn’t keep doing this to Ben, it wasn’t fair and he certainly didn’t deserve this. Ben was not one to shower her with compliments and gifts. He was not the materialistic kind, however, the little that he did give her and the compliments he paid her were sincere and meaningful. She knew that over the years the passion in their love had diminished, however, their love had grown into something more meaningful. The initial infatuation they had shared had been replaced with a unity, a oneness that they had managed to achieve; and their home, their children, their religious values and principles solidified this. She definitely had a marriage that she had to safe-guard. It was a marriage worth fighting for, worth pushing the temptation of Sophia away from. Just as she had promised Sophia to keep her secret she would maintain the promise she had made to herself to safe-guard her marriage, to try and put Ben and the kids back into the centre of the pentagon they had built together.
Chapter 9
Christmas day came and passed in a flurry of presents, joy, laughter and tranquillity. Julia was happy at home with her family. She felt relaxed in the company of her loved ones and she relished this time together. She knew that before long the children would have grown up and days like these would be lost forever. She did not want to think about that. How would she manage to cope when the children left home? Would Ben be enough to fill the void, a void that at times she still felt despite all this? The festive season was one whirlwind of scents from copious amount of home baking, laughter from indoor games played together and closeness from the intimacy shared as a family. Seeing Ben so close to the children made her heart contract with love for him. He was such a good father. He loved their children intensely and this made her love him even more. He was her Ben. The one she had chosen and the one who had chosen her. Together they had built all this, their little empire. They really had everything that was truly important in life, good health, financial stability and love. She really couldn’t ask for more.
She imagined what Sophia was doing and how she had spent her Christmas. Had she returned back safely to the comfort of her glamorous house? Had Julian thrashed the house in a fit of rage? Had Sophia brought in her cleaner to help her clear up the mess and destruction following the argument? Had she done it all herself weeping as she picked up the glass from her silver frames, the shredded photographs, the broken furniture and the torn cushions on her expensive sofa? Had it occurred in the bedroom or in the living room? Had they fought moving from room to room in different parts of the house? Julia could only attempt to guess. Had Sophia found the courage to resume with her daily life? Had she returned to work or gone to visit her parents over Christmas as she had originally planned to do? Had she spoken to Julian again? Had she changed her mind and filed a police report about the attack? Were her wounds still painful? Were they healing? She tried to keep these thoughts at the back of her mind and only thought about Sophia at short intervals of the day. The folded coat in the black garbage bag in her broom cupboard was the only visible reminder of what had happened and this too was placed in the large garbage bin at the bottom of the garden where it was collected by the garbage truck later on in the day.
Upon parting when Julia had kissed her friend on the cheek and assisted her into the taxi like some frail invalid, Sophia had asked her to give her the space and time she needed to overcome this ordeal and they had decided not to contact each other till after the end of the Christmas Holidays and Julia’s children had settled in back at school. This was a full two weeks and at the time of making this promise they had seemed like an eternity to Julia. She needed to know that Sophia was well, however, she knew that Sophia’s need for overcoming this on her own was far greater and she needed to respect this. She had hoped that Sophia would send her a message or call her to tell her that she was getting better; however, her disappointment also came with a realisation that this also meant that Sophia was managing to overcome this on her own as she wanted to. She was not calling Julia in some hysterical fit of despair, so Julia tried to see the positive side of the situation and focused on her life. By keeping herself busy she managed to shift her thoughts away from Sophia. She even found the time to call a few old friends and they spent a pleasant evening in their local pub over some mulled wine. She even left a morning free to visit her parents, it was Christmas after all.
The children had some Christmas activities of their own, play dates at friends’ houses which Julia had to reciprocate, but this also meant that some evenings while the kids were at their friends this
meant some quiet time with Ben. On one such occasion they went out for dinner, just the two of them, to a posh restaurant they had loved and been to on many occasions at the start of their relationship but had stopped dining there when the kids came along. The decor had not changed and the place still brought on the romance she had felt when dining there. It was a place for love, for couples, for romance. The staff there had changed and the food on the menu had changed too however, the place still held a special spot in Julia’s heart. That evening they spoke about many things, they spoke about the house, Ben’s work, the children, financial decisions that had to be made and above all about themselves. Julia felt closer to Ben than she had felt in a long time. She longed to open up to him as she had opened up to Sophia so many times, but so many things had been left unspoken between them for so many years that Julia was afraid of opening up the closed casket, afraid that like a Pandora’s box once opened she would never be able to shut it again. This was her life, the life she was given and the life she had chosen. Sophia was the bonus to all this but she knew that having Sophia in her life did not mean that this had to be destroyed. She needed this life just as much as she needed Sophia, but the two were on completely different levels. The need she had for Sophia could not be replaced by the need she had for Ben and her children and likewise the need she had for Ben and her family would never erase the need she had for Sophia. They were in two different dimensions and converging the two could be dangerous as one might destroy the other. She did not want Sophia to come in between her relationship with Ben and throughout the past months it had come dangerously close. Sophia was like some intoxicating drug. The closer she got to her the more she needed her, so that everything and everyone else faded in the background. This is why it was vital that she kept the two apart. She had made a mistake in trying to reign in Sophia into her world. Sophia did not belong in her world with Ben and the kids. The kids and Ben did not belong in Sophia’s world, it was unfair to Ben and the kids to try and pigeon hole them into a place where they clearly did not belong. Like Janus she would have one face for Sophia and one for Ben. These would be two separate faces and she would be loyal to both as long as they remained in their allocated sphere. This was the only way she could think of, the only way in which she could ensure that her marriage stayed strong and that she would not lose Sophia. She could not think of a life without Sophia; however, she shuddered to think of a life without Ben and the children.
Julia often caught herself thinking about her life with Ben before she had met Sophia. Her life had been good. It wasn’t exceptional or exciting, however, she had a lot of love and all the support she needed. Sophia had given her a taste of the forbidden fruit, a taste that could not easily be forgotten and Julia had become insatiable for more of it. Sophia had made her experience emotions she had never known existed and managed to see deep inside her inner thoughts. She loved Sophia for this but resented the fact that she needed Sophia so badly. It outlined her neediness and weakness. She had often mused that she must be going through some early mid-life crisis, however, she could not pin-point the moment in her life when she had started feeling like this and the more she reflected upon this the more she realised that the void in her life was not something that had commenced with the stress of raising the kids or even with her marriage to Ben. It had commenced far before that, right back to her youth perhaps, even the moment she was born, it was as if she had been born with a missing organ. She had managed to go through life doing away with this organ; however, now that it had made its appearance she could not imagine a life without it. It fed her, it nurtured her, it kept her alive and whether it was for better or worse, whether it was good or evil it had become a part of her very existence.
Chapter 10
The New Year arrived and shortly after the Christmas decorations were taken down, packed away and stored back up in the attic. The children had already grown restless at home and were looking forward to going back to school. The children’s uniforms and bags had been washed and their shoes were ready for school. The school projects had finally been completed after much procrastination. Julia looked forward to the routine that school days provided, however, she knew that once it commenced she would hate the fact that she would miss the time she had spent with the children. The school hours and their evening activities filled up the children’s days and Julia envied the fact that they had such busy lives. She was already feeling the pang that soon they would need her less and less as they grow older.
She had started putting the children to bed earlier to prepare them for the school routine where they had to wake up at seven o’clock. The evenings were spent with Ben, watching the telly or relaxing with a glass of wine. On a few occasions they invited some neighbours over for drinks and on another occasion some of Ben’s friends had popped over and they had ordered pizza from a local take-out. Their social calendar was limited to such evenings, they were both very selective in the friends they choose and the few friends they had were mostly friends they had known since their youth.
Julia was looking forward to the commencement of the school term for another reason of course. She found herself counting down the last few days till she would see Sophia again. She had managed to keep her promise so far. She hadn’t mentioned anything to Ben and she hadn’t contacted Sophia, although she had caught herself writing texts on numerous occasions, however, they had never been sent and were still saved in her draft mailbox. Julia needed to see Sophia but a part of her was filled with trepidation and fear. Who will she see again? The Sophia she had known so well or the battered Sophia who had stood at her kitchen door on that horrible night? Had Sophia managed to overcome that terrible ordeal? Would their friendship remain the same after what happened or was it marred by that night’s events?
The absence of information about what happened that night had now been filled in by Julia’s imagination. Julian must have wrongly suspected that Sophia was seeing someone else and the terrible fight they had escalated into the violent warpath that had caused Sophia such grievous injuries. Julia hated him for this although she had hardly knew him. The information Sophia had given her about Julian were mostly glorifications about his sporty physique and not his character traits. She felt ashamed of the fact that she hated Julian, not only for what he had done to Sophia but because what he had done to Sophia might mean that Julia’s relationship with Sophia might be broken altogether. Julia hated herself for thinking such horrible selfish thoughts, however, she couldn’t help hating this man who had risked breaking what Julia had so carefully been preserving since the very first day she met Sophia. Violent images of what she would do to Julian cropped up in her head. She certainly had a very vivid imagination. These images often crept into her dreams where Julian was tortured and killed over and over again. Like Lady Macbeth Julia never felt a sense of peace once she had sought her revenge through his death and the dreams always ended up in her despair and horror at what she had done. She had often recommenced the same dream to adjust the ending so that Sophia did not look at her in terrible dismay at what Julia had done but smiled serenely back at Julia with a look of immense gratification for having obtained the necessary revenge. She often woke from these dreams sweaty and breathless. She had never experienced such violent thoughts before and looking at her bedroom mirror she often caught herself looking at the eyes of a stranger.
Chapter 11
The day had finally arrived and Julia was standing at the school gates clutching her umbrella trying to keep it straight in the gust of wind. The traffic that morning had been one big headache. The rain always had this effect on the traffic, as many people chose to leave their bikes at home and drive in to work. The children had talked incessantly in the car so that Julia had to follow two conversations concurrently. This had resulted in a throbbing headache. Breakfast had been one rush and Julia had had to skip her coffee completely. She walked over to the coffee shop a few doors down from the school. Upon entering the shop, she immediately felt better. The warm air
inside was comforting, especially from the chilly temperature outside and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee was a welcome change to the exhaust fumes she had been inhaling standing near the school gates. She ordered a cappuccino and took the drink to one of the round tables next to the window. Staring out of the window she could avoid eye contact with the usual crowd of mums who too had popped in for a quick coffee after dropping off the children.
Julia stared at the rain in the street outside. She had always loved the rain. It reminded her of her childhood playing in the wet garden and the beautiful, earthly smell it brought with it. The cleanliness it brought and the sense of new life. She had always associated the rain with this birth of new life. As a child she would relish going out in the garden after a downpour to look at the snails coming out from under the leaves and the earthworms squirming on the garden path. The more she stared at the falling rain the more she calmed herself and knew that the time had finally come to contact Sophia. Sipping the coffee, she texted Sophia to let her know that she would be popping by to see her, she considered asking Sophia whether she would be home after all, but something told her that she would find Sophia there. Even if she had gone back to her parents Sophia would be back home waiting for Julia to contact her on the first day of school, fulfilling her part of the promise.
Julia had brought Sophia’s Christmas present with her. She was unsure whether she had done the right thing in doing so as it must have surely been the worse Christmas Sophia had ever had and she probably wanted to forget it rather than have to remember about it again, however if that eerie silence cropped up again it might be the ice-breaker to start their conversation. After much thought she had managed to find a beautiful charm bracelet and she had adorned it with six charms, including a small silver heart to depict the love that this relationship had given the women, a key to represent the intimacies they had shared together. Sophia had opened up the lock to her heart. There was a beautiful letter S in an old font to represent the ‘S’ in Sophia’s name, a little angel to show Sophia that she was her guardian angel, a wishing star for all the dreams they shared together, a compass because they were each other’s North and a butterfly to represent Sophia’s beauty. Julia had taken just as long to select the charms as she did to think of the idea for the present, however, in the end she was quite pleased with the gift and the thought that went behind it. She could already picture it around Sophia’s dainty wrist sparkling as she turned her hand around to examine the charms. She hoped that the gift would bring some comfort to Sophia and show her that she could always count on her special friend.
Julia's Secret Page 8
