“Wait a second,” I said, waving the ticket in the air. “This ticket says the eighty-sixth floor. Don’t we need to go to the eighty-fourth floor?”
“Oh, so you can read. I was beginning to wonder,” Marvin said in a way that made me want to stuff him in the nearest trash can.
Jenna glanced at me, her sly grin returning. “We’re going to have to jump from the eighty-sixth floor. It’s the only way we’ll have enough distance to hit the thin spot.”
A shudder ran through me as I processed the idea of jumping off the Empire State Building. Despite my earlier “mind over matter” manifesto, there was no scenario I envisioned that didn’t end with me splattered across Fifth Avenue.
“You’ve got to be out of your goddamned mind,” I cried as we cleared the metal detector and approached a section where they took touristy pictures. I’ll just say it now. Ours looked ridiculous, and I totally wanted a copy, although I didn’t know why.
“There is no other way, Mac,” Jenna said, careful to keep her voice down as we were ushered inside an elevator with half a dozen other people. “Just use your magic to make sure you make it.” The rest of her words went unsaid, but I could fill in the blanks. “Unless you want to have a hard stop at the bottom.”
“Are you always this much of a pussy?” Marvin asked, peeking out at me once again. As he spoke, several other patrons gave us the look. You know, the “why am I on the elevator with a crazy person” look. I ignored them.
“I am not a pussy,” I told the doll before flicking him between the eyes. Take that maturity.
“Don’t touch him,” Wendy snapped, whirling around to glare at me with pixie-like rage. “I may smack him around, but you most certainly don’t get to do it.”
I raised my hands in capitulation. “Sorry.”
Thankfully, the doors opened before we could argue more, and we spilled out onto the Eightieth floor. Crowds of people swarmed around us as we were directed into another elevator. Before I could catch my breath, we hurtled upward, and were soon standing in the observatory of the Empire State Building.
It was surprisingly warm inside the building, but the moment we stepped outside, I started shivering despite my trench coat. I hadn’t thought about how cold it would be eighty-six stories in the air, but it made sense since it’d been cold on the ground, and it was always colder the higher up you went.
We moved around the platform in one giant mob until we were at the spot where you could clearly see the Freedom Tower and the Statue of Liberty in the distance. The view was spectacular, and even though I wasn’t here to sightsee, I sort of wished I had a camera to take some pictures.
As we approached the railing, Wendy pointed to nowhere in particular. “It’s right below us. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.” She looked back at us, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was going to vomit all over us. If that happened, there was no way I was going to hold her hair out of her face.
“And even if I was crazy enough to jump off a building into nothing, how are we going to get around the gate?” I gestured at the huge wrought-iron fence surrounding the railing and quirked an eyebrow.
Before I’d even finished speaking, Vitaly had pushed his way to the front of our little group. He ran his huge hands along the cold, black metal and smirked.
“Okay,” Vitaly said, nodding at us. “I open way. You follow. Be quick. If it closes, you go splat.”
Part of me wished he’d left that last part out. I was already feeling dubious about leaping from one of the world’s tallest buildings, and now there was a possibility the door he opened would vanish before I got there. That was total bullshit. Still, I was Mac Brennan, and I never let a thing like falling to my death stop me.
Vitaly waited until we all acknowledged him before pulling a plastic key from his hip pocket that looked exactly like Sora’s keyblade from Kingdom Hearts.
It glimmered like freshly hammered silver in the sunlight, and as Vitaly touched it to the metal gate, the entire structure shimmered. Bronze sparks leapt from the tip of the key and raced along the bars, and as they did, the entire section of gate vanished into smoke that smelled like mint chip ice cream.
I was still in awe of how he’d done it with a magical toy key, when Vitaly climbed up on the cement wall and leapt through the hole like we weren’t eighty-six stories in the air. I rushed forward in time to see him thrust the key into the air a couple floors below.
Golden light streamed off the key as the air exploded in a flash of purple before tearing asunder with a sound like cracking thunder to reveal a pustule of black swirling clouds where nothing but empty sky had been before. The Russian’s body swirled in a way that reminded me of a cartoon character getting sucked into a hurricane before he vanished like he’d never been there at all. Well, that was new, and terrifying as hell.
“There’s no way I’m doing that,” I said, stepping back so I could flee. Kids or not, I was not leaping off this building so I could get sucked into Hell’s hurricane.
“We don’t have time for you to back out now,” Jenna said, grabbing my hand and pulling me onto the rail with her. Her hand was surprisingly warm, and as she squeezed my fingers, something about the gesture comforted me in a way I hadn’t expect. “It will close soon.” With that she released my hand and jumped. As she leapt into oblivion and left me standing by myself on the rail, people began screaming behind us and rushing forward toward us.
As Jenna vanished into the tear in reality, I gritted my teeth. It was so far down it was making me dizzy. I still wanted to run away, but I tried to push the fear back down inside me, and not because Wendy was giving me the “I will throw you into that hole” look.
“Here goes nothing,” I said before doing what any insane person would do. I shut my eyes and leapt off the top of the building. Even though I’d jumped out of an airplane before, this was quite a bit different since I didn’t have a goddamned parachute. As I careened through the air toward the swirling vortex with my eyes closed, I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen. I just hoped it wouldn’t hurt.
I was wrong. Entering the doorway to Hell was like slamming into a brick wall face first. I cried out in pain as my eyes flashed open. I was lying on the floor of a stone cavern glowing with purple effervescent fungus and water dripping from stalactites overhead. As I crawled to my feet, Wendy burst through the emptiness behind me, but unlike me, she landed daintily on her feet. I sucked in a breath that tasted like cloves and cheap beer and tried to make my heart stop hammering in my chest. I ignored the adrenaline rushing through my veins as my brain slowly oriented itself to my new reality.
“Well, looks like we made it,” Jenna said from a few feet away. “Where to?”
I glanced toward her and my heart sank. The cavern split off into no less than ten darkened tunnels lined with stalactites and stalagmites so they looked like the mouths of a horrible beast.
“We pick by eenie meenie miney moe. Is easy, yeah? You catch tiger by toe,” Vitaly said, moving past us and approaching the tunnels. The look Jenna gave him summed up my feelings exactly. It was a look of “Are you fucking serious?”
“I kid.” Vitaly smiled, revealing a mouthful of teeth that glowed ominously in the black light cast by the fungus clinging to the cave walls. “Wendy, which tunnel do we take?”
Wendy shut her eyes and reached out with one hand toward the tunnels. As she did, a fucking harpoon exploded from the depths of the cave furthest to the left, spearing Vitaly through the chest and hauling him backward into the darkness.
Chapter 8
Without thinking, I sprinted after the big Russian. As I stepped into the yawning maw of the cave, I was suddenly blinded by flashes of color springing from the disco ball overhead. A smear of blood on the floor led from where I stood to Vitaly like a macabre snail trail.
The big Russian was only a few feet away, but the distance between us was increasing by the second. Just below the disco ball stood a thing that sort of looked like a cross betw
een Disco Stu from the Simpsons and Davy Jones from The Pirates of the Caribbean movies in that he was wearing a disco suit and had the head of a squid.
“Alright, Disco Squid, drop him,” I said, getting ready to pump him full of Hellfire.
The creature ignored me as it hauled backward on an invisible rope with his rhinestone-glove-covered hands. With every tug, Vitaly skidded across the dance floor beneath our feet because, of course, Hell would be filled with bad seventies' music.
Disco beats pulsated through the air, slamming into my senses in a way I couldn’t explain because it was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just the bass crashing into my eardrums. No, I could taste the music like raspberry cream and chocolate, feel it like silk brushed over my skin. And you know what? Disco still sucked.
I stood there like an idiot while the big Russian tried to tear the harpoon from his chest, but every time he managed to grip the weapon, his hands slipped off the golden-edged blade like they were covered in butter.
“Put him down!” I cried, trying to raise my voice over the din. I took a step forward, and as I did, I slipped on the slick dance floor and crashed onto my back. Little tweety birds danced around my head as the Disco-dancing Cthulhu grinned.
“Or what?” it croaked in a voice that was like a blast of lightning across my brain. My teeth clenched as I gripped my temples in my hands, trying to resist the fading sound of his voice. Hot, sticky blood leaked from my nose and ears as I tried vainly to crawl to my feet. It wasn’t going well.
“Or I’ll shoot you,” Jenna said, appearing next to me and pointing her Baby Eagle at the creature. She let off a couple quick shots that smashed into Disco Squid’s face in an explosion of black ink that threw the creature onto its back. All at once, the music stopped with that “rrrip” sound of a record getting scratched.
“Whoops, guess I forgot to give you a chance to counter offer.” Jenna’s voice was loud in the suddenly empty space, reminding me of the times you just happened to be talking smack about someone right as the room got eerily quiet.
As she stalked toward the creature and calmly emptied her gun into its body, I wiped the blood from my nose with the back of my blackened hand and stared up at her in disbelief. The smell of whatever passed for blood in its body was like raw seafood, and with each bullet she put into it, the smell grew stronger.
“We need to hurry,” Jenna said, glancing at me and Vitaly while reloading her gun with such practiced ease she’d had to have done it a million times before. “Bullets won’t keep him down for long.”
“How’d you get a gun past security?” I asked as Vitaly finally succeeded in grabbing the buttery harpoon. He jerked it free in a spray of gore and buried the weapon in Disco Squid’s chest while cursing loudly in Russian. I wasn’t sure what he’d said exactly, but the way he said it sounded cool. Maybe when this was over, I could get him to teach me a few words.
“I have my ways,” Jenna said, moving past us and heading out of the corridor. “Come on, Wendy said it’s the one in the middle. Every second we waste here is a second Beleth might find us. Since she can stop time, I’d rather that not happen.”
I followed along while Vitaly bitched and moaned about the state of his suit. I sort of felt bad for the guy. This was the second expensive suit he’d ruined today. If this kept up, Vassago was going to be out a fortune in custom tailoring. Good, the bastard deserved it.
As we stepped back into the main cavern, the disco dance floor behind the cave vanished behind a shroud of darkness. Well, that was a neat trick. What was behind the other tunnels? Was one filled with hand-rolled cigars and whiskey?
“I’m guessing that if Beleth doesn’t know we’re here, she will soon,” I said as Jenna and Wendy disappeared down the middle cavern. “I mean, we’re not exactly being discreet.”
Instead of responding, Vitaly shrugged in a way that didn’t make me feel entirely comfortable and disappeared through the middle cavern, leaving me alone in the suburbs of Hell.
“Well, thanks for waiting,” I grumbled and followed behind them. As I stepped through the darkness, I found myself staring at what looked like an abandoned warehouse for a toyshop. I guess no cigars were in my future.
Vats of dried paint and solidified glue stood off to the left side of the room, while a conveyor belt covered by half-finished Barbie dolls stood idle and unused in the center. Cobwebs clung to nearly every surface, and the ground, where it wasn’t marred by my compatriots’ footprints, was covered in at least an inch of dust.
“Guess you weren’t kidding when you said this entrance was abandoned,” I said as I approached the others. They’d all stopped moving, which seemed odd because the door was only a few hundred feet away and surprisingly well lit.
“Oh, it’s not abandoned,” whispered a voice in my ear that made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up and my belly fill with icy fear. “It’s just cheaper to build toys in China rather than in Hell, so I relocated my workforce accordingly.”
I whirled, and as I did, something struck me across the chest like a wrecking ball. My ribs screamed in agony as I flew through the air. I smacked into the ground so hard the breath whooshed from my lungs like a thousand razor blades. As I lay there, trying to figure out what was going on, a fucking winged tyrannosaurus with a top hat and cybernetic arms smiled toothily at me.
“Are you being serious right now?” I screamed at the top of my lungs as the twenty-foot tall tyrannosaur took an ominous step forward. The ground beneath its foot cracked, splintering outward and filling the room with purple light.
“I’m pretty serious about eating you,” the tyrannosaur replied, flexing his massive metallic arms like he was Hulk Hogan. “Because I think you look rather tasty.”
As I scrambled to my feet in an effort to get the fuck out of Dodge, I realized I had a slight problem. None of my companions were moving even slightly. I wasn’t sure why, but it meant one thing. I had to save them!
“Ignis!” I cried, flinging a massive handful of Hellfire at the creature as it lunged at me, dagger-filled jaws wide. My fireball smacked it dead in the center of its gaping maw, and for a moment, nothing happened. Then the blast exploded out the back of its neck, filling the air with the smell of fresh barbeque. The creature’s eyes widened in sudden shock as it collapsed to the ground in front of me with a thud.
I raised my hand, intent to finish it off with another fireball when it burst into a cloud of purple smoke. As I stood there watching the cloud in disbelief, a darkened form took shape within. I’m not sure why, but something told me it wasn’t going to be friendly.
“If you’ve just changed into a raptor, I’m going to be pissed,” I said, pointing my right palm at the cloud and calling upon my magic. “Because I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of raptors.”
“Not a raptor, no,” said the voice from within as it stepped from the cloud.
A purple-skinned woman with a body straight out of a porn video stood before me. She was busty and thin and curvy and everything I ever wanted all at once. As she brought her hands together in a slow clap that caused her breasts to bounce, I realized her body was changing, bending itself to fit my each and every desire.
A wave of desire slammed into me, and I wobbled backward under the force of it. The urge to rush forward and gather her up in my arms was so overwhelming, I couldn’t even think past it. I started toward her, my hands reaching out toward her supple body.
Her full lips curled into a bemused smile as she shook out her long raven-black hair and curled her index finger toward herself. I had to hold her, had to have my way with her, only, only something about it was wrong. Why was it wrong? How could it be wrong?
Confusion settled over me, chasing back the desire threatening to drown me as I took a step toward her. I shook my head, trying to think past the need to throw her down and have my way with her. Something caught my eye. My gaze drifted toward it, settling on the mass of black leather beside my feet. It seemed famil
iar.
I reached out for it, and as I touched it, I realized I was holding my trench coat. Had I taken it off? I didn’t remember doing so. I ought to remember taking it off. My hands clenched around the fabric. Something was wrong. I just wasn’t sure what it was.
“What’s going on?” The question came out of my mouth in a strangled cry.
As I stared at the trench coat, the woman moved closer. Lust and heat wafted off of her in waves that made my knees shake and my insides twist with need. Something about her seemed wrong, but I had no idea what it was.
“Nothing is wrong,” she cooed, and her words were like a warm tongue on my ear lobe, like fingernails running over my naked flesh. “Come to me, Mac Brennan.” Her lavender eyes sparkled as she spread her arms wide, revealing her full breasts to my eyes.
My trench coat fell from my hand, and I staggered toward her. The sight of her standing there naked and ready filled up everything inside me to near bursting. Before I knew what I was doing, I’d stripped off my shirt and tie. As they hit the ground, my hand went to my pants. I unclasped them as quickly as I could while stumbling forward, and as they fell around my ankles, I tripped over them.
I landed hard enough for the sound of flesh on concrete to fill my ears, but I didn’t feel it. Not even a little. I ought to have felt it, but I just didn’t. That seemed off. I’d always felt things like that before. It wasn’t like I could shrug off horrible bodily injury like Ricky could.
My breath caught in my throat. I stopped mid-crawl, my clothing discarded behind me like a drunken snail trail. Ricky. As her name filled my brain, something in my stomach twisted and turned. Bile rose on my throat. Ricky wouldn’t like this. I knew she wouldn’t like my frantic need to take this woman. The only thing was, I couldn’t figure out why. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
The woman knelt in front of me and reached one slender hand out. As her black-nailed finger touched my cheek, a flare of silver fire exploded from my skin. It burned like a thousand suns, and I screamed in pain. The woman drew her finger back as flames danced across her perfect skin. She glanced at her still burning finger and inhaled, her nostrils flaring wide. The fire died.
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