by Hannah Pearl
I laughed and pretended that my heart wasn’t beating at a million miles an hour. He leant forward and kissed me, gently and sweetly, on the lips. ‘There. Now you can go home knowing that you’ve remembered how attractive you are,’ he said.
‘I didn’t make the first move. Last time I had the confidence to kiss him. It’s been a while since I felt able to do that without worrying that I was misreading the signs.’
‘Then kiss me first,’ Jake suggested. ‘I don’t mind, if it’ll help you with your mission I mean.’
He smiled, and for a moment I forgot how many people were crowded around us. I forgot all the men I’d met before and, most importantly, I forgot all those who came after. Leaning forward, I kissed Jake, just for the briefest of moments, and it felt perfect.
Leaning back, he lifted his glass and took a long gulp. Perhaps the attraction had thrown him as much as it had thrown me. I smiled but felt my eyes were filling up and I had to blink so that the tears wouldn’t fall. The lady behind us pushed into Jake again, and he took my arm. ‘Let’s go home,’ he said.
Chapter Ten
We didn’t kiss again that weekend. Instead I acted like the perfect tour guide, putting my moodiness aside and ensuring that Jake saw the staggeringly beautiful cathedrals and botanic gardens that he’d read about in his guidebook. He spent so long in the Museum of Modern Art I began to fear that they would lock us in for the night, and too soon it was time to head home. On the return flight I was sure at one point that Jake was about to ask me something personal, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep until he looked away.
Back home, we gave Alice a teddy bear covered in shamrocks, and Bea a bottle of whiskey. They both looked pleased with their gifts. Jake walked me to the door, and I wished him a goodnight and thanked him for his company. He leant forward to kiss my cheek, but I turned my head at the same time to kiss his and our lips accidentally brushed.
‘Sorry,’ I said, pulling back.
‘There’s no need to be sorry,’ he assured me.
‘You’re a really lovely guy,’ I told him, ‘but I need to finish my task before I start anything new. I need to understand what I’ve been doing, so that I don’t make any more mistakes.’
‘I do understand. It’s okay, this thing, whatever this is with us, it’s taken me by surprise too,’ he said, laying his hand gently on my waist. ‘I wasn’t looking for anything right now either. There’s too much in my life that is unsettled; not having a job, being here to help Bea and Alice.’
I went to step back and give him some more personal space, as this seemed to be what he was asking for, but he reached out and drew me back in for a hug. ‘I’m not ready to walk away though, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be another bloke who messes you around.’
‘I don’t think you could be,’ I assured him. ‘But for me, for now, I need to do this,’ I told him.
He blew out a sigh. ‘How about I help you so that you can be done quicker? Then at least one of us will know what we’re doing.’
I grinned and told him to pack his dancing shoes. ‘Next weekend we’re going back to university.’
Charmaine wasn’t working the following Friday, so I booked us some rooms in a cheap hotel on the outskirts of Nottingham, and the three of us drove up in my Mini after I finished work.
‘How many bags did you need for one night?’ Jake asked, pressed up against my suitcase on the back seat. His head nearly brushed the ceiling, and his feet were pushed against the back of my chair. The car fit me perfectly, but having two tall companions on this trip I was reminded that this wasn’t true for everyone.
‘I found a bag of my old clothes from when we used to go clubbing. I didn’t have time to sort out which ones I can still imagine wearing so I brought the whole lot. Then I needed a range of shoes depending on which clothes I pick.’
‘Of course you did,’ he muttered, and I guessed that the only shoes he’d brought were the ones already on his feet.
‘So what’s the plan?’ Charmaine asked. ‘Please don’t tell me we’re going back to the Student Union bar? I spent enough time drinking watered down beer when I used to come and visit you.’
‘I’ve decided to condense reliving the first year of university with one trip to the nightclub I used to go to. None of the guys I met then made much of an emotional impact so I think we can safely skip looking each and every one up.’ I glanced back at Jake in the rear-view mirror. He had a subtle smile, I almost missed it with my quick glimpse at him, and I wondered whether it was at my admittance that none of the guys had been very important to me. ‘It will be a bit different tonight, we used to come on a Tuesday which was student night,’ I continued, looking back at the road again. ‘Tonight it’ll be more locals there, but I wanted to remember how it felt to be here, carefree and with a group of mates.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Charmaine said.
We checked in at the hotel. Jake had a room to himself, which was small but functional. Charmaine and I were sharing a twin room.
‘I’m going to get changed,’ Jake said as he helped carry bags to our room. ‘Shall I knock back for you in twenty minutes?’ Charmaine laughed at his optimism. ‘I’ve brought a book, how about you knock on my door once you’re ready?’ he suggested.
We took it in turns to shower and my cousin helped apply my make-up. She painted my lips with her bright red lipstick. ‘Are you sure this doesn’t clash with my hair?’ I asked her.
‘If you look confident you’ll be able to act confident,’ she assured me.
I started lifting outfits from my bag. ‘This was stuffed at the back of my wardrobe,’ I told her. ‘I haven’t looked in here in years.’
‘That’s the outfit,’ she said as I held up two small pieces of fabric. I wasn’t convinced, but I tried them on anyway and she wouldn’t let me get changed. I could hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror in our room and wished that I had a baggy shirt to cover up with. Charmaine was adamant though; we were here to relive our youth and that included dressing the part. When we knocked on Jake’s door he couldn’t take his eyes off me, which was even more surprising and flattering when you’re stood next to another lady who is five foot nine and has curves usually only achieved with enormous quantities of silicone.
‘I think this is a bit out of style now,’ I said, trying to explain my outfit. ‘It was all about backless tops when I was here, and I’m flat chested enough to get away without needing a bra so I can wear them.’
‘You’re petite and in proportion,’ Charmaine assured me.
Jake nodded his approval. He didn’t speak, but as he was still staring at me, he didn’t need to and I started to relax.
‘Still, I’m not sure how I used to go out in this skirt without anything on underneath.’ At that Jake began to make choking noises and I realised what I’d said. I tripped over my words as I tried to clarify what I’d meant. ‘Tights. Without tights on or leggings.’ Today I’d chickened out and had teamed my black miniskirt with some leggings. Jake nodded but still I found that he positioned himself at my side as we left the hotel.
We called a cab and took it into the city centre. ‘Shall we try your old local first?’ Charmaine suggested. ‘It’s a bit too early to hit the club yet.’
We settled in at a table at the back, and I tried in vain to tug my skirt down lower as I sat. I must have been far braver in my teens than I was now.
‘So who are we re-living this evening?’ Jake asked.
‘I got a bit brave in my first year, or perhaps just a bit drunk, so tonight we’ll be harking back to the student experience of watered down lager, alco pops, and snogging on the dance floor,’ I told them, trying hard not to catch his eye as I said it. ‘I didn’t really date anyone properly in my first year, but I did rack up a few random snogs. There was Javier, the exchange student, plus Phil from my classics module, Nate from historical literature, and that guy that I met the night of the rugby ball. Oh, also the Valentine’s Day event
, Elliot, I think his name was, and Joe, at the end of term bash.’
‘So quite a few guys then,’ Jake said, lifting his pint to hide his grin.
I was glad that I had skipped telling him about how I’d also hooked up with George several times that year too. Reading back through my notebook, it had charted each rise and fall of my feelings for him. Each time I’d felt confident about myself as a woman, I’d go home, dress in something skimpy, hang out somewhere that I knew I’d see him and enjoy seeing the effect it had on him. It felt like a victory too, the first time I’d taken the lead on flirting with him when it had worked and he had gone home with me. Likewise, when I’d had a knock back, for example when Nate had been the first man to formally dump me to go out with a girl who I thought was not very attractive, I’d invited Matt to stay for a few days, and, of course, George had come too.
Emotionally, Nate had had minimal impact on me, but that was probably because I knew I had the back-up option of exploring my sexuality with George. As soon as Matt had hooked up and gone home with someone I’d dragged George back to my halls room and this time I’d let him slip my bra off. I wasn’t being uncharitable about the girl I got dumped for either. When I pointed her out to Matt he had physically grimaced, and Matt wasn’t exactly picky. It was nice to know George had still found me attractive.
‘I think covering all of those guys in one night sounds pretty sensible, otherwise we’d be here every weekend for months,’ Charmaine said, sipping her glass of wine. She’d refused to start drinking the over sweet and highly alcoholic bottles that I was drinking as a throwback to the past until we got to the club.
Once there, the queue reached around the block, and I’d remembered why I rarely went clubbing any more. By the time we got in, the cloudless blue sky we’d had all day had given way to a cool evening. I was decidedly chilly in places that I didn’t want to moan about out loud. I wondered how we’d come out wearing so little even in the middle of winter. I wished that I’d been able to wear a bra with my top and hoped I’d warm up before I took someone’s eye out.
‘I’m realising why you had such a successful year,’ Jake whispered in my ear, and I used my finger to raise his face until he was again looking at my eyes. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I am only human.’
I laughed, and found confidence in his attention. He never made me feel uncomfortable, instead his occasional glances and the accompanying smiles left me feeling safe and admired. I didn’t need another drink after that and instead led the way to the dance floor.
‘So are you trying to hook up with a random tonight to help you relive old times?’ Charmaine asked.
I hadn’t told her about kissing Jake in Dublin. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist teasing us, and I wanted to have some time without any additional pressure to work out my growing feelings for him.
‘No, I’m trying to have fun, and remember how it feels not to be nervous,’ I told her.
We danced until our feet ached. Jake stayed by my side all evening, but whenever it felt too intense I’d turn away and dance with my cousin instead. He didn’t offer to be my surrogate kiss as he had in Dublin, and by the end of the night I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or upset by that.
Chapter Eleven
I felt invigorated by the dancing and the attention, and returned to school ready to engage and enthuse my class. Unfortunately they had the end of term feeling already and were sat slumped across their desks.
‘This passage is beautiful,’ I told them, reading aloud from my copy of Romeo and Juliet. ‘Don’t you feel stirred by the emotion and passion of their feelings for one another?’
Twenty-five blank faces looked back at me. I finally had the attention of all but the one kid who was fast asleep at the back. I balled up a piece of paper and threw it at him. He woke up with a jerk and looked at me, but I carried on as if nothing had happened and he sat there looking confused.
‘They both end up dead so wasn’t it a bit stupid, miss?’ said a voice at the back.
I tried to use this to springboard a discussion about whether they’d had any choice but to follow their feelings, but my class were reluctant to agree with me.
‘I wouldn’t risk my life for no man,’ Zoe said, kissing her teeth.
‘That’s lucky ’cos there ain’t no man brave enough to go near you,’ shouted Daniel.
‘All right, calm down class,’ I told them, trying to quiet the laughter as Zoe glared at him. I felt their attention slipping away again as the room went still.
‘How do you think it felt to them, to be teenagers in love but be barred by their parents from seeing each other? How would you feel if your parents stood in the way of you going near people you fancied?’ I asked them. A couple of heads perked up and I saw a little more interest on their faces, finally, just as the bell rang and they grabbed their bags and moved on to the next class.
I had a free period and followed them out into the hall. Locking my classroom, I walked up to the staffroom to make myself a cuppa. I had the year sevens next, the youngest year group in the school, and it would take all my energy to keep them concentrating for the whole lesson.
I set them off writing a letter in a bottle, as if they were trying to contact people when stuck on a desert island. A few kids got stuck in, and wrote detailed instructions on how to find and rescue them. One boy wrote a shopping list of all the items he wanted sending to him, including his games console and a laptop. I wasn’t entirely sure he’d understood the premise of being stranded with no creature comforts, including electricity.
Finally the bell rang signalling the end of the day. Once the kids had gone home and the playground was empty, I walked around my room straightening chairs and throwing away scraps of paper. I found myself wondering who I would write to, if I was stranded. Would I ever fall in love and be able to give myself and risk everything as completely as the star-crossed lovers had? If I did, would it go as tragically wrong for me as it had for them? Would my past experiences continue to hold me back? I hoped that my undertaking would give me the confidence and understanding to ensure that it did not.
An image of Jake floated into my mind, and I blinked it away. There was no doubt that I cared about him, but I didn’t want to hook up with him quickly only for it all to fall to pieces again. He felt too special to risk that with and so I was determined to wait until I had more answers. Instead, I tried to concentrate on the meal I was going to make that evening. Charmaine was coming over again and we were going to think about the next challenge: how to track down my first serious boyfriend.
I’d met Rob in my second year at university, when I’d been roped in as a spare body for medical students to practice their examinations on. Luckily there had been no restrictions on medical students dating their fake patients. He’d spent an hour with me in the hall set aside for their practical tests, checking my pulse and my blood pressure and rotating various parts of my body. I’d lain back and enjoyed the feel of his hands on me. When he had asked if I had any questions, I’d amazed myself by asking him if he wanted to go for a drink with me. We’d spent a few weeks having fun examining each other after that in more intimate surroundings.
By then I was living in a shared house with three other girls, and whilst they had all had guys staying overnight, I hadn’t yet. I’d never been in a rush to lose my virginity, but neither did I have any plans to wait until I was married. I was a firm believer in making sure that you knew you were compatible, in all areas before tying the knot, rather than after. When I was sixteen I’d decided to wait until I fell in love before I slept with anyone, and that didn’t happen. When I was seventeen I thought it would be nice to wait until I found someone I really deeply cared for. This also didn’t come to pass. By the time I was eighteen, I thought I’d wait until it felt right and, with Rob, when I was nineteen, it finally did.
My little black book had noted: ‘I think I may have found someone special. I met Rob last week and we’ve already been out for a drink three times. He’s s
o nice, really thoughtful. He turned up with a bar of chocolate yesterday because he knew I’d been stressing about an exam. It’s weird, I’ve been looking forward to meeting someone like him so for long, someone who actually seems to really like me, I don’t really know how to handle it. Maybe I’ll just try and relax and enjoy it, if I can.’
I wasn’t in love with him, but we were spending lots of time together, and each time we went out we’d come back to my room afterwards and go just a little bit further. He was the first man that I saw naked, and it was fun exploring and getting comfortable with each other’s bodies. We’d been going out for about six weeks when I decided it was time.
I bought myself a slinky black nightie, and a box of extra-safe condoms. I didn’t tell Rob that I was prepared just in case I changed my mind, but I put my purchases in the small cabinet next to my bed and started to get excited. One night after a medics ball Rob asked if he could stay over. I thought about my secret stash and told him that he could, but then Mother Nature intervened and I got my period. It turned out that the combination of alcohol, mixed messages, hormones and exam stress was a toxic cocktail. We ended up having one of those stupid fights, filled with angry words but not really about anything in particular.
We didn’t speak for a week, and it hurt because I’d thought he was the one. The following Saturday I packed a bag, went home for the weekend, and, after Matt had gone to bed, I sneaked George up to my room and slept with him. It hadn’t been the romantic experience I’d been hoping for. He was gentle with me, and kept asking to make sure it was what I wanted to do, but I didn’t feel moved by it. Especially when shortly after we’d finished he’d got dressed, dropped a quick kiss on my forehead and left. Afterwards I felt like I’d cheated myself, given up on my hopes for making love for the first time to be a special event.
