by Hannah Pearl
Alice dragged him up to see her room. As soon as he was out of earshot Bea took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked her.
She shook her head. ‘Not really,’ she admitted. ‘I’m angry and hurt, but I’m also glad for Alice that she’s getting to see her dad. I know she has missed him the last few months. She’d almost stopped asking for him, and I never meant for that to happen.’
She opened the fridge and started making Alice’s tea, as if on autopilot. Ted came back downstairs by himself. He stepped towards Bea and asked for her help. ‘Alice asked me to stay and read her a bedtime story, but I already told her that I can’t. She’s crying on her bed. I tried to explain that it’s my fault, not hers, that I hadn’t been doing a good job of being a daddy but I’m trying to learn. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset her.’
I think she must have realised how devastated he was, because instead of lashing out at him, she gave his arm a quick squeeze and went up to comfort their daughter. Ted just stood there, staring at the piles of pasta and cheese on the counter and shook his head.
‘I don’t even know what she likes for tea any more,’ he muttered.
Even Jake eventually softened in the face of Ted’s obvious sadness. ‘Why don’t you go back up with Bea?’ he suggested. ‘Maybe you can talk to Alice together.’
Ted ended up staying for tea, bathing Alice and reading to her until she fell asleep. Jake and I tried to stay out of their way, but I knew Jake wanted to be there and not at my flat so that he could make sure his sister was all right afterwards. Eventually Bea and Ted came back downstairs, and Bea led him into the kitchen. They called out to offer us a cup of tea, but we decided not to join them. Jake was muttering under his breath again. I knew he didn’t want to risk seeing Bea get hurt, but she looked pretty relaxed, so we waited to hear what she would tell us afterwards.
Eventually Ted left, and Bea brought in a bottle of wine, three glasses and sat next to us on the sofa.
‘You’re not getting back together with that prick are you?’ Jake asked, before she had even sipped her drink.
‘Not a chance,’ she scoffed. ‘I was with him for so long that when he left I had no idea how I was ever going to cope, but I did. No, I’m not going back there again.’
‘You seemed pretty cosy,’ Jake pointed out.
‘Actually, he was apologising if you must know,’ Bea said. She took a celebratory swig of her drink, set her glass down and ran her hands through her hair. She stretched out her arms and rolled her neck, it was almost as though she was letting go of six months’ worth of tension. ‘At first when you told us about your mission, Evie, I must admit I didn’t really understand it. I wasn’t sure what you could learn from looking up men that you hadn’t seen in years, and I thought it could only stir up unpleasant memories.’
‘I just didn’t want any of them to realise what they were missing out on and try again,’ Jake admitted, brushing a kiss against my ear.
‘I get it now though,’ Bea said, her eyes shining in the last of the summer sunshine that sneaked in through the window. ‘I feel like I got some closure today,’ she told us.
‘I’m glad you said that. I was worried you were going to tell us you guys were going to try again,’ Jake said to her.
‘He hurt me too badly,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘And not just me. He walked away from Alice, and I’m not giving him the chance to hurt her twice. I was so angry when he left. I shouted and swore at him, but I was so pissed off I never stopped to listen to him.’
‘Because there is no excuse for his behaviour,’ scoffed Jake.
‘He was wrong, he freely admitted that,’ Bea explained. ‘We’d been together so long that we never stopped to question whether we were actually good for each other any more. We were just starting to talk about having kids, and Ted asked if we could wait a while. A week later we found out we were already expecting,’ she told us.
‘I didn’t know that,’ Jake said.
‘You don’t exactly go round broadcasting it if your kid is an accident, or even just a welcome surprise,’ Bea told him. ‘Think how Alice would have felt if she found that out? Besides, we were married so it’s not like anyone batted an eyelid when we told them our news.’
‘I thought you were happy,’ Jake said, sitting forward and staring at his sister. ‘I’m sorry, I never knew that you were already having a hard time.’
She shrugged it off. ‘We weren’t at first,’ she said. ‘It was a surprise, but Ted was great. He came to all my doctor appointments, cried when we saw our first scan photo. He changed nappies, got up at night when she cried.’
‘What happened?’ I asked, wondering how their situation had broken down so irrevocably.
‘It went downhill so slowly I barely noticed how bad it was until it was too late,’ Bea said. ‘The awful sleep slowly got to us, until we were snapping at each other constantly. If one of us slept better than the other, instead of being helpful and giving each other a rest, we grew resentful. Ted started to work longer hours so I was on my own with Alice more and more. Even when the sleep got better, we were already living separately, just within the same house. When the time came that he finally packed his bags, I was hurt but truthfully, I wasn’t that surprised.’
‘I didn’t know,’ Jake said again.
‘What could you have done anyway?’ Bea asked him. ‘I was living it and I couldn’t fix it. Tonight was the first time in years that we actually sat down calmly and talked about it. Ted apologised for leaving. As hard as it was when he went, I’m actually so much happier now I’m not living with all that stress. When he said sorry, I could finally let go of the anger.’
‘That sounds really healthy,’ I said.
‘It feels it,’ she replied. ‘I can really understand why you wanted to go back to look at your past relationships. It felt so healing to let go of the pain.’
I thought about that but didn’t point out that some of my experiences would hardly qualify to be called relationships. I certainly didn’t want to go into too much detail about my past in front of Jake any more. Also, it hadn’t exactly been closure that I’d been seeking. It was more a sense of remembering how I’d felt in the past.
Seeing Andy, Bill and Nick had been interesting. I’d remembered how it had felt to explore my femininity for the first time, but they hadn’t had a huge impact on how I felt about myself. Not in the long term, anyway. They had allowed me to test out how it felt to be attracted to people, and any impact on my self-confidence from it not working out had been purely temporary. I’d bounced back from each setback fairly quickly, as teenagers generally do, compared to how long it had taken me to recover from Ryan. No, the real damage had come later.
Chatting with Rob and Jem had reassured me that they hadn’t held any grudges, and that I hadn’t upset anyone else so badly that I’d messed up their chances at happiness, especially given how settled Jem was now. It had been reassuring to remember that I could fall for guys who were actually nice people. Being with Rob had shown me that I could find someone who cared about me, and if I did, I shouldn’t run from it. Jem had shown me that being with a partner could open up a new world of interests and experiences. I’d learnt more about theatre and art than I ever had before. We just hadn’t had enough in common to keep us together, interest wise or temperament. But that was okay too. I’d felt so brave, getting to know them both, opening up emotionally and physically with them.
A lot of that confidence had come from George. The main lesson he had tried to impart was that I should be secure in myself, because of who I was. That was why he had been drawn to me again and again, and not because we had any formal ties to each other. Because we’d been friends too. I could learn from relationships, but I shouldn’t define myself by them. And I had. I’d let Ryan chip away at me until I had doubted everything that made me who I was. I’d turned down promotions, and nearly missed out on being with Jake because I wasn’t sure that I was good e
nough.
By going on my mission I had hoped to rebuild my self-confidence. Spending time with my brave, beautiful and bold cousin had helped. Seeing, and trusting, how Jake cared about me was a balm to my injured soul. He found me attractive, which was nice, but he wanted to spend time with me too, talking and just existing together, and not just for the sex. How he’d looked after me when I had period pains had proven that.
Seeing George at his wedding had reassured me that he wasn’t the one who had got away, and that I’d benefited from having him in my life, even though I had lost sight of that for a while. He was so entranced by Zoe, and I’d certainly had fun with Jake at the hotel. It was time to let go of the pain from my past.
‘So are you going to look up anyone else?’ Bea asked me.
Jake didn’t say anything, just sat back to watch how I responded. ‘I don’t need to,’ I told them both. ‘I’m so happy now, I don’t think there is anything else I can learn from looking backwards any more.’
Jake seemed pleased to hear it and pulled me in for another squeeze. It felt good to let go. There had only really been one last person to look up, my ex-fiancé, and I didn’t want to consider how relieved I felt at the idea of not getting back in touch with him. I’d always known that if I’d carried on with my challenge, that I’d get to him eventually, but the truth is I’d put off thinking about it for as long as I could. As it turned out, I didn’t need to look Ryan up. The police found me first.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
It was never going to be a normal day. Jake’s job searching had finally landed him an interview with a firm of graphic designers he told me were famous in their field. He seemed so excited to have the opportunity to work with them. It was just a shame that it was a two-hour train journey away. As much as I wanted it to go well for him, I had cried at the thought of no longer having him round the corner, though my tears were private, shed in the solitude of the bathroom because I didn’t want to be the factor which stopped him going for a job that he really wanted. I wondered how I’d manage to sleep if he wasn’t there holding me every night. I didn’t tell him that either. We were still dancing around making declarations of our true feelings to each other, though we showed it in our actions freely enough. I didn’t want to hold him back if this job was what he wanted, so on the morning of his interview I helped him try on several outfits until we found one that would fit well enough over his plaster cast.
I walked up to the station with him, talking up his CV and qualifications for the job, trying to boost his confidence even as my heart cracked more with every sentence. Kissing him goodbye before he descended the stairs to the platform, I managed to keep my tears in check until he was out of sight. This being London, no one stopped to ask me if I was okay, and I was grateful because I didn’t know what I would have told them.
I managed to get my crying under control by the time I reached the café at the top of the high street. Inside I still felt like a quivering mess, but at least I wasn’t openly bawling any more. I treated myself to a hot chocolate and a pastry, and sat staring out of the window, wondering how I would occupy myself so that I didn’t spend the entire day climbing the walls, waiting to hear from Jake.
Bea had the day off so she had taken Alice to the zoo. She had been feeling guilty about working such long hours over the summer and was sad that she had missed out on the trips that Jake and I had taken Alice on. I think she had been even more excited than her daughter as they had got ready that morning. I therefore had the choice of sitting on my own in Jake’s house or in mine. At least in my house I had more of my own junk to distract me from the waiting.
There were only two weeks remaining of the holiday, and I did need to start planning my lessons for the upcoming year. When Jake got back from his interview I would need to tell him that I wouldn’t be able to help all day any more anyway. I’d allowed myself to have a real break the last few weeks, and to forget that school even existed, but I’d need to put in several hours every day between now and September to be ready in time. Real life was starting to creep into the bubble of contentment that I’d lived in all summer, and I wasn’t happy or ready to let go of it.
It was hard to concentrate so I fell back on the techniques I’d used to get me through writing my dissertation at university. I set myself small targets, ten minutes of work at first then a reward of a cup of tea. Fifteen minutes and then a biscuit. Pretty soon I’d worked for a couple of hours and had almost managed to forget that Jake was currently pitching for a job that would take him far away if he got it. If only the ache in the pit of my stomach would go away.
Throwing my book across my bed, I found myself crying again. I wondered whether I should have told Jake how I felt before he’d left. Would he still have gone for the interview? If he hadn’t, would he have resented me for holding him back? I’d never want to do that. So instead I crushed my pillow against my chest and fell asleep.
Waking up feeling groggy after a daytime nap that I hadn’t really needed, I made a cup of coffee and tried to pull myself together. I checked my mobile but there were no messages. I went for a jog, pushing myself until I returned home nauseous and sweaty. I showered and tried to pick my work up again. Picking up my iPod, I skipped through the albums until I found something loud and powerful enough to drown out my own emotions. I managed to work for a few more hours, but it was slow going, trying to drag my restless brain to do my bidding. The tasks would have taken half the time with any decent levels of concentration.
Giving up, I picked up a light jacket and walked round to see if Bea and Alice were back from their day trip. As I knocked on their door, I realised that if they were still out I had no idea at all of what I would do with myself. Thankfully Bea answered the door. She took one look at me and pulled me in for a hug. I immediately burst into tears again.
She switched the TV on for Alice and led me through to the kitchen. She handed me a cup of sweet tea and a tissue and waited until I got myself back under control.
‘I take it you aren’t excited about Jake’s job interview?’ she asked me.
‘I’m trying to be,’ I told her. ‘I just want what’s best for him.’
‘And what do you think that is?’ she asked me.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘He’s been job-hunting for a while. I think he was thrilled to finally get an interview. It’s just, it’s just …’
‘That you wish this one wasn’t so far away?’ Bea added, in a quiet, gentle voice.
I found my eyes watering again and tried to blink the tears away. ‘I don’t want to be selfish. If this job makes him happy …’ I began again.
‘But you love him and you don’t want to be away from him,’ she continued.
I nodded. ‘I haven’t even told him how I feel yet. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him either way. But I haven’t heard from him all day and it’s killing me.’
‘I haven’t heard anything either,’ Bea said. ‘I’d have called you if I had. But you need to relax. Trust Jake to make the right decision. It’s obvious that he loves you too.’
‘Do you think so?’ I asked, desperately hoping that she was telling the truth.
‘I know it, even if he doesn’t yet. Give him time, Evie. We didn’t have a model of a healthy adult relationship when we were growing up and I think seeing me and Ted split up threw him for a while too. But I’ve never seen him as happy and settled as he’s been with you.’
‘I don’t want to lose him,’ I told Bea, looking up at her with my bloodshot eyes. ‘I’ve had my own demons to face to get to this point too. I finally feel ready to commit to him. I don’t want it to be too late.’
‘It won’t be,’ Bea said, putting her arm around me and giving me a squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s go and curl up with Alice and watch a film. We’ve walked so much today I think she’s earned it, if she can stop pretending to be an elephant long enough to sit and watch it.’
Bea picked up the remote control and started to press but
tons to switch the DVD player on. The local news flashed on, and the newsreader read out the first headline. A woman was in hospital following an attack in a local bar. Bea muted the sound as quickly as she could and tried to find the right channel for the movie.
Luckily Alice was oblivious, dancing round the room acting out the animals that she’d seen that day. Her impression of a penguin was cute and I found myself cheering up despite the butterflies in my stomach. The film was fun, Alice squealed at the monsters and hid her face against me, but seemed to enjoy it, especially when her mum brought the popcorn in. I found myself checking my mobile every two minutes, and though Bea saw what I was doing, she didn’t say anything.
By seven o’clock I was all out of patience. ‘He must know something by now,’ I said, pacing the room. ‘It couldn’t possibly take this long to interview, what is he playing at? He must know we’re waiting to hear.’
I started muttering about what I’d do to him when he got home, and Bea steered Alice out of the room and took her up for her bath. My phone rang and I jumped out of my skin. Noticing that the screen read ‘private number’, I rejected it wanting to keep the line clear for Jake to ring. As soon as I’d done that, I panicked in case Jake had used a different phone to ring me for any reason. I had tried not to call him all day because I hadn’t wanted to interrupt, but now I couldn’t wait any longer. I dialled his mobile and waited while it rang.
By the time it got to the fourth ring I was cursing under my breath. I was just about to hang up when Jake answered.
‘Hi, hon, how did you get on?’ I asked him.
‘It was good,’ he replied, amidst a background of crackling. ‘I think they liked me.’ He started to describe how well the interview had gone but the line started to break up. I heard ‘answered questions well’ and something about salary before the call dropped out completely. I tried to call back but it wouldn’t connect at all. I went upstairs and told Bea the few words that I had heard. She counselled me not to give up on Jake already. I nodded but couldn’t put together a reply. I let myself out and walked home.
