Holly was still wearing this when Gray came back into the kitchen half an hour later, just as she finished scouring the last baking dish.
Of course she looked totally unglamorous now, wrapped in the voluminous apron, with her hands in rubber gloves, her bare ankles showing and her feet in sneakers. But perhaps it was just as well, she thought. She’d had a lovely evening, and the dress had been fabulously exciting, but it was time to come back to earth.
Gray had taken off his tie and loosened his shirt collar, but nothing could dim his gorgeousness.
‘You really are Cinderella tonight,’ he said. ‘Home from the ball and straight into the kitchen.’
Holly snapped off the rubber gloves and smiled. ‘I don’t mind. It’s the least I could do after Janet cooked such a fabulous meal. That roast was so tasty and the lemon syllabub was divine.’
Reaching behind her, she untied the apron strings, but she felt strangely self-conscious. With the red dress about to be revealed once more, and Gray’s intense gaze fixed on her, removing the apron felt as risqué as a striptease.
She concentrated on not blushing as she hung the apron on its hook behind the door.
‘I think that dress might be the wisest purchase I’ve ever made,’ Gray said, watching her from behind.
Holly concentrated harder on remaining calm. ‘It really was very kind of you to buy me something so beautiful.’ Slowly she turned around, only to find his blue eyes watching her with heartbreaking attention.
She dropped her gaze to her sneakers. Surely they would sober her.
Gray said, ‘You’re the one who’s been kind, Holly. You’ve given up your summer holiday to help the children, and now you’re helping me as well—’
‘It hasn’t felt like I’ve given up anything. I love Anna and Josh and—’ Holly bit down on her lower lip before she said anything dangerous that she’d regret. ‘And I’ve had so many wonderful new experiences.’
She looked down at her hands. It had been a stroke of luck that she’d brought red nail varnish with her, especially as the colour matched the dress perfectly. But now, in the homestead kitchen, the bright nails looked citified and out of place.
Forcing a laugh, she said, ‘Listen to us. We’re talking as if I’m leaving already, when I still have weeks to go.’
‘Yes,’ Gray said, but he made an uncomfortable throat clearing sound. ‘That’s something I wanted to speak to you about.’
Holly felt suddenly ill. Reaching behind her, she grabbed the edge of the sink for support. ‘Do you want me to leave earlier?’
‘No, no. No way. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.’ He let out a heavy sigh. ‘But it’s time I sent off the ads for the new nanny, and I was hoping you could help me with the wording.’
‘Oh, yes, of course.’
It was ridiculous to feel so abruptly miserable. She knew that Gray wasn’t going to take one look at her in the red dress and suddenly change his mind about never wanting another wife.
Fortunately, he’d never know that, despite her protests that they mustn’t get too close and that she had an all-important job to return to, she’d still foolishly fallen in love with him.
‘Of course,’ she said quickly. ‘I’d be happy to help you work up an ad.’
She had to keep busy—busy and businesslike.
‘When do you want to start? Now? Why don’t we do it here in the kitchen? There’s pen and paper right here in the dresser.’
Holly was gabbling, talking to fill in gaps. Gaps were dangerous—they left room for tears.
Without waiting to gauge Gray’s reaction, she retrieved the pen and paper and sat down at the kitchen table.
Gray moved more slowly, taking his time to stroll around the table and sit opposite her, leaning back in his chair, long legs stretched beneath the table.
Not wanting to see the expression in his eyes, Holly kept her gaze on the page and, when he was seated, she spoke in her most businesslike voice. ‘Right. Let’s see what you’ll need. I imagine you’ll want someone over eighteen years of age?’
When he didn’t answer immediately, she shot him a sharp look. ‘You want an adult to look after your children, don’t you, Gray?’
‘Yes,’ he said, frowning and looking uncomfortable. ‘Yes, sure.’
Holly began to make a list. ‘And someone who enjoys and values working with children?’ Gray nodded.
She made another note. ‘With a first aid certificate?’
‘I…I guess that would be handy. Mostly, I want a good teacher.’
‘You’d be unlikely to attract a person with teaching qualifications, but you should aim for someone who can provide stimulating activities for the children.’
‘That’s right.’
Oh, God. This was killing her. ‘I’m sure you’d prefer someone who can produce a variety of age appropriate activities that encourage the development of life skills.’
Gray blinked. ‘That sounds good.’
‘And you’d want to be able to check this person’s references.’
He nodded unhappily.
‘What about public liability insurance?’
‘We’d need to sort out something. I already have employee insurance.’ Letting out a sigh, Gray reached for the salt and pepper shakers that had been left in the middle of the table and began to move them about like chess pieces.
Under the table, Holly squeezed her left fist tightly, letting her fingernails dig into her palm. The more it hurt, the better—anything to distract her from getting too emotional. ‘I think this list covers the most important requirements,’ she said. ‘Can you think of anything else?’
‘No.’
‘If you tell me which newspapers you’d like to advertise in—’
‘I’ll get Ted to give you a list of them in the morning. And…er…I think there are sites on the Internet as well.’
‘Yes, there are bound to be.’
‘Ted will know.’
‘Great.’ Holly noted: Internet—ask Ted. And she pressed so hard she made a hole in the paper. She set the pen down and rubbed her arms. Now that this discussion was over, she felt a chill, as if she was coming down with something.
‘I guess we won’t bother with the reading tonight,’ Gray said.
‘That might be best.’ Again, she kept her eyes on the page. ‘It’s been a big day. You could always read one of your new books in—’ her cheeks burned ‘—in…bed.’
‘Now that’s a novel idea.’
Keep busy…
Holly rubbed at her eyes as if she were sleepy, but mostly she wanted to make sure there were no tears. Then she tore the page with her list from the notepad and got up to put the pad and pen away in the drawer. Behind her, she heard the scrape of Gray’s chair on the timber floorboards.
She realised she was shaking from the effort of holding herself together. What an idiot she was. She couldn’t fall apart now just because they’d drawn up an ad for her replacement. She’d always known this was going to happen. It was what she’d planned right from the start when Gray first asked her to help him out. How crazy to feel so upset. Anyone would think she’d just signed her own death warrant.
Turning back to the table, she reached for the list, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look at Gray, even though he was now standing quite close to her.
She heard his heavy sigh, felt it reverberate all the way through her. What did he have to sigh about?
‘I wish it could be you,’ he said softly.
Holly froze.
‘I know it’s selfish,’ he said, still in that same soft, low voice. ‘But I wish we didn’t have to find a new nanny.’
She allowed herself to look at him then. His eyes were extra-shiny and his mouth tight as if he, too, were holding his emotions in. He sent her a quarter smile and his shoulders lifted in a shrug. ‘Where are we going to find another Holly?’
Her heartbeats thundered in her ears. Wild, extravagant hope lifted her like a high wind. She st
ruggled to ignore it. ‘I’m replaceable.’
‘No, you’re not.’
She gasped, had to grip the back of the chair. ‘Are you saying that you want me to stay?’
‘I know you can’t stay. You’re lined up for a fabulous new career.’
‘But if you really needed me—’
His eyes widened. ‘You’d stay?’
‘I…I might.’
Had she really said that? Had she deliberately put herself out on a limb? Was she out of her mind?
Gray’s throat worked. ‘It would be perfect, wouldn’t it? The kids love you. You’re so good for them, Holly.’ His words flowed freely enough, but he was standing to attention as if he were facing a court martial.
Holly waited for him to go on, waited for him to tell her that it wasn’t only his children who needed her.
Please, please let him need me, too.
Perhaps now was the time to admit that she’d been falling steadily in love with him since she’d arrived at Jabiru. They could both admit that their night together and the closeness they’d shared on so many levels had grown into something deeper—something lasting and wonderful.
As they stood in the middle of the kitchen, Holly felt the Outback night close in around them. The only sound was the ticking of the old-fashioned clock on the wall beside the dresser. She could see the baking dishes on the drainer, shiny and silver after her conscientious scouring.
She saw Gray’s hands clench and unclench. Remembered the way those strong hands had held her this evening, remembered the burning need she’d sensed in him.
Say something, Gray. I won’t stay unless you want me, so just tell me the truth about how you feel. Let me off the hook, or reel me in, but don’t leave me dangling.
When he didn’t speak up, Holly knew she had to say something or scream.
‘What about you?’ Her voice sounded impossibly loud, bouncing off the walls. Then, in a more moderate tone, she asked, ‘Do you want me to stay?’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DO YOU want me to stay?
Gray bit back a groan of frustration. Of course he wanted Holly to stay, but how could he ask that of her?
It meant asking her to give up everything—her job, her home, her country. It meant asking her to commit to his lifestyle, his family, his country. And it meant taking their relationship to a whole new level, a committed level.
He’d vowed he’d never take that risk again.
Chelsea had quickly come to resent this place, just as his mother had. They’d been miserable here. He couldn’t bear to make Holly unhappy.
Okay, it was true that she seemed to like the Outback. And if he’d been looking for a wife and had made a wish list of qualities he needed, Holly would score a tick in every box.
She was fun to be with. She fitted into Jabiru as if she’d been raised in the Outback. His kids adored her. Janet and Ted adored her.
And he owed her so much. She’d lifted such a burden from him, and she’d shown him that his future was not restricted by his past. But beyond all that she was so sweet and sexy and she was—Holly.
She’d wound her way around his heart. He wanted her—wanted her kisses, her warm sexy body. Tonight, seeing her in the red dress and keeping his distance had been torture.
His imagination kept playing scenes in his head of peeling the lovely red dress from her, slowly, slowly… And, as each inch of her soft, silky skin was revealed, he’d shower her with kisses until they were both almost blind with wanting, and then he would make love to her. Tenderly or passionately.
Her wish would be his command.
But he couldn’t indulge his selfish fantasies. He had to be practical and clear-headed, had to remember that where women were concerned he’d fooled himself too many times. Holly was an educated city woman—like his mother and Chelsea. Eventually, her enjoyment of his isolated lifestyle would begin to pall and she’d long for her old life.
He had to be strong, and his task was painfully clear. He had no right to keep Holly here. He had to set her free. Now. Tonight. He had to send her back to the brilliant career and the secure future that awaited her in America.
Hands plunged in his pockets to stop himself from weakening and touching her, he gave her the only possible answer. ‘I can’t ask you to stay, Holly.’
Her head jerked up and she opened her mouth as if she was about to speak, but he held up his hand.
Now that he’d started, he had to get this out.
‘I know my children are very important to you, and I know you’ll miss them and they’ll sure as anything miss you. But I’ll do my best for them, Holly. You’ve shown us the way.’
He had to pause to swallow the brick that had wedged in his throat. ‘I…I think we’ll be okay from now on. We’ll always be incredibly grateful to you.’
Holly’s lips trembled and Gray felt his courage failing. ‘You have a wonderful job to go back to,’ he said quickly, before he changed his mind. ‘A great life in America. You know I couldn’t possibly ask you to give that up.’
She stood very still, not meeting his gaze, with her arms wrapped over her stomach as if she were nursing an ache.
‘You have your wonderful family there, too,’ he added. ‘And I know how important your new job is. I’ve never seen anyone as excited as you were when you got that phone call at JFK. Your face lit up and you punched the air like you’d won a gold medal.’
Her eyes widened with surprise, as if he’d reminded her of something she’d forgotten.
‘You need to go home, Holly.’
‘You want me to go.’ It was a statement rather than a question.
‘I don’t want you to be trapped here.’
Her intelligent gaze narrowed and for a moment he thought she was going to debate this final point, but then her mouth twisted into a grotesque attempt at a smile. She snatched up the piece of paper with the list she’d made for the ad, turned and almost ran from the room.
Gray watched her red dress and sneakers disappear and his heart was as heavy as a stone.
Holly reached her room without crying, but she was trembling all over. In all her life, she’d never felt so filled with despair. Worse, she wasn’t even sure how she’d reached this point.
Until this evening, she hadn’t realised how very badly she wanted to stay at Jabiru. Now she knew she wanted it so desperately she felt as if her happiness depended on staying here. But she could only stay if Gray felt as strongly about her as she felt about him. Tonight, he’d only talked about his children’s needs.
Couldn’t he guess she needed him?
She loved him.
Oh, help. That was the truth of it, although she had no idea when it had happened. Was it tonight when Gray had held her? Or at the point when she’d picked up the pen and paper to make the fateful list? Or had it started at the gorge?
Perhaps she’d been changing from the moment Gray had walked into the apartment in New York?
Oh, God, why hadn’t she been more careful? She’d known all along that Gray would never risk a second marriage—especially to another American—and if he’d asked her to stay he would have felt obliged to marry her.
How could she let this happen to her again—this cruel, unbearable pain? This cold ache in her heart was so much worse than after the break-up with Brandon. When she left Jabiru she would leave part of her soul behind.
It was ages before she rose from the bed and super, super-carefully took off the lovely red dress and hung it back on its hanger. Then she changed into her pyjamas and went through to the bathroom to take off her make-up, telling herself that the routine would help.
It didn’t.
When she climbed into bed and opened the book on her nightstand, she knew she had no hope of reading herself to sleep. She lay there, replaying every painful word of the night’s terrible conversation.
When she finally turned out the lamp, she buried her face in her pillow and let her tears fall…
‘You’re so comfortable
and capable with your children now,’ Holly told Gray several evenings later. ‘Those riding lessons have made such a difference. They’re proper little Outback kids now and you’re going to manage just fine on your own.’
‘I don’t think I’m ready to fly solo yet.’
‘Of course you are,’ she said with necessary briskness. ‘You’ve made great strides with the reading, and it’s just a matter of practice now. You should read to Anna and Josh. They’ll love it.’
The suggestion seemed to please him and he grinned, looking unbearably cute, like Josh. ‘I have to admit I feel as if a huge burden has rolled off my shoulders.’
‘I’m glad.’ Ignoring the sudden nervous tumble in her stomach, she said, ‘Actually, as things have turned out, you’ll have to manage on your own quite soon.’
Gray frowned. ‘How have things turned out? What do you mean?’
‘I’ve had an email from the principal at my new school and she’d like me to start work earlier than we’d originally planned.’
He stared at her, shocked. Then his blue eyes narrowed suspiciously, as if he sensed something wasn’t quite right about her claim.
The tumbling in Holly’s stomach intensified. Could Gray guess that she’d engineered this new development?
She’d felt so despairing and heartbroken that she’d had to do something. Staying at Jabiru Creek had become the worst form of self-torture. Each bird call, each sunset, each family meal, each evening session alone with Gray reminded her of everything she was losing. In desperation, she’d written to the principal, advising that she was available to start sooner, if it suited them.
‘What’s the rush?’ Gray asked, so quietly Holly could only just hear him.
‘A benefactor has died and left a large sum of money to the school library, so they’d like me to start early, buying in new books for the new school year.’ She flashed a falsely bright smile. ‘A spending spree. Lucky me.’
He sank back in his chair, his expression gratifyingly sombre, but Holly no longer fooled herself that his gloominess was of any special significance. Her early departure would be an inconvenience, but Gray would manage. Anna and Josh would manage, too. They had a father who loved them, who would do anything for them.
Rancher's Twins: Mom Needed Page 14
