by Rory Barnes
I just sat there. What was I meant to make of the wink? Were Rachel and Gazza just stringing these goons along? One would like to think so. I mean, earlier in the day I’d been assuring Luis that I was a trustworthy partner in his crackpot scheme. Maybe my friends were just engaging in the same trick.
But there again, maybe they weren’t. I hadn’t been totally thrilled by the way Rachel appeared to have changed sides. In the bike shop she’d said I was totally safe. Then she and Gazza had got carried away with the idea of the scam. They seemed to think it was a wonderful challenge to their surgical skills. I love Rachel dearly, but the truth is: I don’t actually trust her.
More bottles were opened. The laughter became raucous. Everyone hooted and fell about. Rachel asked Luis and Alex what they’d been doing since she’d last seen them at her disaster of a wedding. Alex said that after Bluey had disappeared with Spud in his vat and Snood’s Laboratories had burned down, things had become a bit bleak. The prospects for a couple of likely lads hadn’t been so good out west. They had come east and bought a small farm an hour from town and started the cryonics caper. They’d also bought Staxa Fun and hired Easter to ride him. It had been a stroke of luck when they learned that someone fitting Bluey’s description was running a bike shop in the very same town.
The runt, Easter, seemed a bit left out of things. ‘You weren’t at university with these drunks?’ I said to him.
‘Naw,’ he said. ‘I was just a young claimer in those days.’
‘A young whater?’ I said.
‘Claimer. I was an apprentice jockey so I could claim a handicap.’
‘Doesn’t that make you a claimant?’ I said.
‘Not in the language of the turf,’ Easter said. ‘It’s a different world. Got its own lingo and culture and colourful identities.’
‘Well, it’s a different world to that spooky place we were in this afternoon,’ I said. ‘Tell me more about that joint.’
‘Not much to tell,’ Easter said. ‘It’s Alex and Luis that own the place. But they don’t know anything about bringing the dead back to life again. All they know is that some punters believe that one of these days science will find a way. So anyone with money to pay can get themselves put on ice. Or they can get their pets put on ice.’
‘Pets?’
‘Yeah, there’s one really gigantic tank down there. We call it the Pets’ Pool. It’s full of people’s animals. Dogs, cats, budgies, a couple of ponies, someone’s even got a pet carpet snake in there.’
‘What if they all woke up at once? There’d be a riot.’
‘Naw. Some scientist is going to have to take them out of the nitrogen one by one and do funny things with nano-technology. You know, little microscopic machines that enter your bloodstream and go wandering about fixing up old diseased organs. That’s what all the punters are waiting for — the invention of nano-technology.’
‘Sounds like an earner,’ I said.
‘It’s got overheads. You’ve got to keep topping up the liquid nitrogen.’
‘And it’s legal?’
‘Come off it,’ Easter said. ‘This is Alex and Luis we’re talking about. That sort of thing’s legal in the United States. Here we have to be a bit more … you know, discreet. That’s why it’s hidden under the warehouse.’
‘So how do you get customers?’
‘Word of mouth. And we stick leaflets in letterboxes. Only, the wording on the leaflets is a bit, you know, vague. Then Alex drives around in the van in his undertaker gear. He just parks the van and people come out and start chatting — asking him for a free quote, and asking him why he’s dressed up like that if he’s in the removal business. And Alex tells them he can move more than just furniture. And one thing leads to another. It’s amazing how many punters you can get in that way.’
He was a funny little guy, Easter. Once I’d got him talking, he became quite lively. He wasn’t bursting into gales of laughter like the others, but he seemed eager to please. He gave the impression he wanted to be your friend. I had to keep reminding myself that only that afternoon the little tough had helped kidnap me.
Chapter Eight
An hour later, the four ex-students had abandoned their anecdotes and started to talk about bridging the human–horse interface. I wanted to hear what they had in mind, so I stopped talking to Easter and listened for a minute to a lot of technical stuff from Rachel that I only half understood. Just then the phone rang out in the hall. Nobody in the kitchen seemed very interested in answering it. It kept brrringing away. I wasn’t going to leave the kitchen. I wanted to hear what this mob were planning. But Rachel said, ‘That’ll be for you, Scalp. It’ll be that nice Tanya girl.’
‘It’s more likely for you,’ I said. ‘Some emergency at the hospital.’
‘Naw. It’ll be for you.’ And she winked at me and smiled.
Again I wasn’t too sure what the wink meant but the phone was still carrying on like a pork chop, so I got up from the table and set off for the hall.
Luis said to Easter, ‘You go with him, East. We don’t want our valuable friend doing a bunk.’
I didn’t really fancy having Easter eavesdrop on a call from Tanya, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Anyway, it wasn’t Tanya, it was her mum.
‘Are you the shopkeeper?’ she said.
‘Er … I do own a small retail outlet,’ I said.
‘You run that bike shop? Right? The one where all the kids hang out after school?’
‘Some of my best customers are of the younger generation.’
‘Yeah, I know the place. I’ve walked past it on many occasions. It’s got quite a reputation. My daughter says you left her in charge of the joint for three hours.’
‘I was suddenly called away on urgent business. I had to visit the dead. It was very kind of Tanya to look after the place.’
‘I didn’t know where she was. I was worried sick.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I was freaked. She could have been kidnapped.’
‘Surely not, Mrs Chandor. This is a very nice area; no kidnappers here.’
‘I called the police. Your shop was the first place they suggested I look. They said they’d already been round there once today.’
‘Ah, yes,’ I said, ‘Senior Constable Poldarski: Sergie’s the name, Community Policing’s the game. Nice chap, Sergie. Just the sort we law-abiding citizens need to keep the community safe and sound.’
‘Well, let me tell you one thing about this community — it’s not so safe and sound that fourteen-year-old girls can be left in charge of other people’s shops for three hours straight and their parents none the wiser. I’ve a good mind to complain.’
‘You are complaining.’
‘I’ve a good mind to complain to the authorities. She’s still at school.’
‘Then she needs work experience, doesn’t she? It’s part of the curriculum these days, work experience. School would approve. She’s got bugger-all chance of getting real work. Youth unemployment is twenty-five percent.’
‘And now she says you’ve asked her out. To the pictures.’
‘We reckon we’d like to see Exterminator Gator. It’s on at the Hoyts Complex.’
‘Well, I won’t allow it.’
‘Aw, come on, Mrs Chandor. It’s not that bad. There’s a bit of blood and guts, but there’s no adult themes. Or not many.’
‘I won’t allow my daughter to go anywhere with a man old enough to be her father.’
‘Who, me?’
‘You, Mr … er … Mr …’
‘Scalp. Scalp Wilson.’
‘My daughter, Mr Scalp Wilson, is only fourteen.’
‘I’m not much older myself.’
‘Pig’s bum!’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘I said pig’s bum.’
‘Er, yes, well,’ I said, ‘that’s what I thought you said.’
‘And I mean it. You’re as old as the hills.’
I was beginnin
g to like Mrs Chandor. She had a nice turn of phrase. She sounded as if she had a bit of spirit. She was the sort of old girl you’d want your girlfriend to have for a mum. I hate to say it, but some girls’ mums are a bit wet. Not this one. But I could see her point about not wanting to let Tanya go out with someone like me. She must have thought I was old enough to go out with her rather than her daughter. Now that was a point. Tanya had told me that her mum was a single mother. Tanya’s dad had shot through with a bimbo years ago.
‘Er, look, this might sound a bit funny, Mrs Chandor …’
‘Everything about you sounds a bit funny, Mr Scalp Wilson …’
‘But how about we all go?’
‘How about we all go where?’
‘To Exterminator Gator — you, me and Tanya.’
‘What is this?’
‘It’s an invite. No one can come to any harm if the whole mob of us go to the flicks. Together.’
‘Do you really think I want to see Exterminator Gator?’
‘Well, what would you like to see?’
‘Err … well, I’m none too sure I want to see anything with … with …’
‘With what?’ I said. ‘A dude with a scar round his head?’
‘No, that’s got nothing to do with it.’
‘There’s an awful lot of prejudice against people with disabilities.’
‘You don’t sound too disabled to me, sport. What did you do to your head anyway?’
‘Stacked a bike.’
‘Nasty.’
‘It sort of prematurely aged me. Between you and me, I’m really only fifteen.’
‘Pull the other one …’
‘Would you like to talk to my neurosurgeons — they’ll vouch for me.’
‘It’s your psychiatrist I’d like —’
‘Come on, Mrs Chandor,’ I said, ‘don’t be like that. How about we all go to the pictures. You, me and Tanya.’
‘Fat chance Tanya would want to be seen out with a couple of oldies. Did you go to the cinema with your mum when you were fourteen?’
‘Well, Tanya’s keen to be seen at the movies with me,’ I said. ‘Maybe you’d be a bit of a problem, Mrs Chandor. Mothers and daughters don’t always see eye to eye.’
‘Tanya and I are very close …’
‘Well, there you are then, no problem.’
‘Well …’
‘Good oh,’ I said. ‘Done. I’ll arrange things with Tanya after school tomorrow.’
‘Well …’
‘Gotta run, Mrs Chandor. Gotta talk to a man about a horse. Bye.’ I put the phone down.
‘They reckon Exterminator Gator is a real grouse film,’ said Easter.
‘Yeah, I know,’ I said. ‘Seems the only way I can get to see it is by dragging my girlfriend’s mum along too.’
‘What if I come?’ said Easter. ‘I could … er … help Mrs Chandor watch the movie.’
‘Help her?’ I said.
‘Yeah, you know, while you and Tanya hold hands in the dark, I could …’
‘Hold Mrs Chandor’s hand in the dark?’
‘Well …’ Easter said.
‘Well?’ I said.
‘Something like that,’ Easter said.
‘Do you have trouble getting girlfriends?’ I said. ‘You being so small and weedy?’
‘Now look here …’
‘I am looking,’ I said, ‘and I can’t see very much.’ A look of real pain came over Easter’s face. ‘Listen, don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘We’ve all got disabilities. I’ve got my scar, you’ve got attitude problems. But Mrs Chandor sounds like she doesn’t mind. I’ll see what I can do, eh?’
Easter brightened up a bit. ‘Anyway,’ he said, ‘if you’re going to the movies, I’ll have to come along. I don’t think Luis is going to let you go anywhere by yourself until we’ve got the Staxa Fun caper sewn up.’
Well, stuff Luis, I thought. The guy was beginning to get on my nerves. I went back into the kitchen in a fighting mood. The four of them were still drinking and laughing. Easter and I resumed our seats.
‘It’s all planned,’ Rachel said. ‘Next weekend. We kick off on Friday night. Monday morning bright and early, you’ll be a horse.’
‘Thanks a lot,’ I said, ‘but actually I’m going to the pictures on Friday night.’
‘Me too,’ said Easter.
‘Not to worry,’ said Rachel. ‘We’ll pick you both up after the flicks. That’ll be okay, won’t it, Luis?’
‘Err … I was thinking that perhaps Scalp might like to stay with us until the weekend. We’d look after him very well.’
‘I’ll bet you would,’ Rachel said. ‘But he lives here — we’ll look after him very well indeed.’
‘It’s just that —’ Luis started to say.
‘Cut the cackle, Luis,’ Rachel said. ‘Gazza and I are going to assist you in your criminal activities because you know too much about us. You’re blackmailing us, right?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that.’
‘I would. So you can rely on Gazza and me to be ready, willing and able on Friday night. And we’ll make sure Spud comes along too. You just pick us up in that van of yours and we’ll collect Spud and Easter from the movies on our way to this frozen cemetery of yours. Got it? Good.’
‘Er … all right, but …’
‘No buts. Just don’t forget to bring the horse.’
We finally got rid of them at some ungodly hour of the morning. As soon as the door shut, Rachel and Gazza fell happily into each other’s arms.
‘Dodgy surgery, dodgy, dodgy surgery,’ Rachel crooned, ‘We’re all going to do some really truly rooly rooly dodgy surgery.’
I hadn’t seen her this happy for months.
‘Rachel,’ I said. ‘In case you haven’t noticed …’
‘I’ve noticed, I’ve noticed,’ she sang as she and Gazza started to waltz their way back to the kitchen. ‘I’ve noticed that my dear friend Spud’s not too keen on being a horse. Doesn’t want to be one. Doesn’t want to frolic in the hay. With a hey ho and a hey nonny no, he says no to hay. Olé.’
‘Well, I do,’ I said following after them. ‘I say no to hay. I say no to oats, I say no to steeplechasing, I say no to —’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Rachel said, detaching herself from Gazza and kissing me on the forehead — right on the scar. ‘Have faith, Spud dear, have faith.’
‘Don’t worry, Spud,’ Gazza said. ‘It’s not your brain we are going to put in the horse. It’s not Rachel’s brain. It’s not my brain.’
‘Well, whose?’ I said.
‘Whose do you think?’ he said.
Chapter Nine
When the usual hoons drifted into my shop the next afternoon, Tanya was looking real cool in this wicked day-glow tank top.
‘Did you wear that to school?’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘All day long — under me school shirt. Then I took the shirt off at home time and shoved it in me bag. They didn’t half spew — they reckon we’ve got to look neat and tidy going past all the shops. So the school gets a good reputation and we all get employment. As if there were any jobs around. Though Rats Eyes has got a job. Got a job ramming handbills in people’s letterboxes — haven’t you, Rats? Real weird too — the handbills I mean, not Rats. Although he’s weird as well. Hey, Rats, show Scalp one of the handbills.’
The hoon called Rats Eyes opened his school bag. It was stuffed full of bright yellow handbills. He pulled one out and gave it to me.
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‘Weird, eh?’ said Tanya. ‘This guy just comes up to Rats Eyes in the street and does a deal. Rats shoves all these bills into letterboxes and he gets $20.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I know all about this. It’s a cryonics scam. Nano-technology.’
‘Oh, that old stuff,’ Tanya said. ‘I read this Cool Moments In Science comic strip by Dr Polly Math. See, they make all these little microscopic robots that go snorkeling through your arteries like rats through drainpipes.’
‘Watch it,’ said Rats Eyes.
‘Not you, Rats. I’m talking about rats. Real rats. Anyway, they go looking for run-down organs and clapped out cells. When they find one they knock it back into shape again. One molecule at a time. The building blocks of Life. The catch is, if they get it wrong you end up with two heads and seventeen fingers and the wrong organs of generation.’
‘Rubbish,’ said the hoon called Christo. ‘You couldn’t fit a rat into an artery.’
‘Listen, boofhead, I’m not talking about rats, I’m talking about nano-technology.’
‘It’s still rubbish.’
‘It’s not rubbish because they haven’t invented the damn things yet.’
