by Lori Olding
She kissed Ruth and walked away, her bright green headscarf flapping in the breeze. She waved once and Ruth waved back. Just at that moment, something moved in her pocket and she heard the soft rustle of paper. She reached inside and took out the nun. She’d almost forgotten her, as the thought of being at school had almost made her forget everything, even her birthday and even the origami nun.
Ruth blinked as she stared at the small gift in her hand. The nun sparkled in the sunlight and for a moment Ruth thought she was waving, but then everything went back to normal. It was impossible anyway, wasn’t it? She couldn’t help smiling though. Funny how the sight of the nun made her feel happy.
“What’ve you got there then, dumb girl?”
Ruth knew who it was before looking up. Lorraine was shorter than Ruth, with straggly fair hair that fell over her eyes. Ruth always thought her eyes looked small. Lorraine had a narrow mouth, lips tight together like she kept secrets she couldn’t say, and fingers that were made to pinch and thump.
She didn’t know why Lorraine always seemed to expect a reply to her endless questions as the other girl knew Ruth couldn’t talk. Stupid, cruel Lorraine. So Ruth shook her head fiercely, closed her fingers over the nun and backed away.
She didn’t get far. Lorraine grabbed her by the arm, the one holding the nun, and pulled her round. By now a small group of Lorraine’s friends had turned up and were whispering and laughing behind their hands. Ruth struggled to get away but Lorraine was too strong for her.
“Answer my question,” Lorraine said. “I bet you can talk if you want to. But if you can’t, let’s have a look at what you’ve got. Did you nick it?”
Again, Ruth shook her head. Lorraine’s breath smelt and it made her feel sick. Before she could try to run away, Lorraine forced her fingers open and peered down at the origami nun.
“What’s this?” she said with a snort. “Is that your friend? Look, everyone! Look what Ruth’s brought in!”
Lorraine grabbed the nun and held her up in the air, laughing. Ruth jumped up to reach her but Lorraine was too tall and too strong. Around them other children were pointing and giggling. Ruth felt the tears spring up but she was determined to get the nun back. It was her special present and anyway there was something different about the nun, something important. All the time, Lorraine was teasing and laughing at her, and children were grabbing at Ruth’s clothes and hair. She didn’t know why they were being so horrible. Was it just because she wasn’t like them?
Finally, Ruth managed to pull Lorraine’s arm down, but it was too late as she’d thrown the nun across the playground to one of her friends, a small boy who would jab Ruth in the ribs whenever he walked past her. He threw it to another friend who then threw it to another. Ruth couldn’t see who that was as tears were making her eyes swim. So it went on for what seemed like hours though it could only have been minutes. At last somebody threw the origami nun onto the ground and made as if to stamp on her, but Ruth managed to snatch her away at the last minute and ran round the corner of the playground and towards the toilets. The sound of more jeering, and then the stern voice of her class teacher, too late, followed her.
Ruth liked the girls’ toilets. She felt safer there and sometimes spent whole playtimes hiding out in them and thinking.
She liked how simple and grey they were, with tiles on the floor that she could scuffle with her toes and make funny black lines appear. She liked the sense of being protected by the cubicle doors which she could lock so no-one could get in and upset her. Most of all, Ruth liked the fact that Lorraine didn’t like the toilets and so didn’t stay long to torment her. Here she had peace, which was something her great-aunt talked about a lot. It wasn’t something Ruth thought she needed, if she were honest, because she had peace anyway as she couldn’t speak. But in the toilets and without Lorraine, she had more of it.
In her hand, the nun trembled and Ruth gasped. It wasn’t just her imagination then, and the paper was really alive. Had her great-aunt known about it, or was Ruth the only one? She couldn’t believe that could be right, especially as Great-Aunt Alice knew everything so she would know about the origami nun as well. Ruth decided to ask her later, when she came to the school for her birthday tea, but now she had to go and join her class. Mrs. Easting would be taking the register and she couldn’t bear anyone to be late.
Slowly she unlocked the door and crept outside. The sun made everything glitter and she had to blink twice before she could see anything. Then the big school building reared up over her and she felt her mouth go dry. There was no-one about, which was good in one way as no-one could be nasty to her, but it was also bad as it meant everyone was inside and she’d be late. Lessons: they had to be faced before the end of the day arrived and she could be safe, so she’d better get a move on. She took one step, then another, and the nun in her fingers glowed warm against her skin. When Ruth glanced down, the paper was all sparkly and bright, and it made Ruth laugh out loud and feel better.
The nun made her feel so much better that she hardly noticed when she arrived at her class, opened the door and slipped in. Usually when she was late, Ruth hovered by the door for ages before she dared to open it. She was sure everyone knew she did that as they’d always giggle when she finally walked inside. Mrs. Easting would stop what she was saying and turn to look at her. Her teacher would make no comment while Ruth stumbled to her desk at the front of the class and sat down. Only then would she go on with the lesson.
Today, everything was different. When Ruth came in, Mrs. Easting gave her a big smile and waved her towards her seat.
“Ruth!” she said. “Come and sit down. I know it’s a very special day for you today. Happy birthday from all the children here!”
What with her meeting with Lorraine, Ruth had almost forgotten it but, as she sat, the class around her began to sing with their teacher directing them.
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Ruth,
Happy birthday to you!
It didn’t sound very truthful to her, and Ruth felt her skin grow hot as she tried to nod her thanks. At least Mrs. Easting had tried, although really she would have liked it better if her teacher had left it alone. She didn’t have any friends here and felt her birthday would only really happen once she was home again, in spite of the party.
The nun shifted in her hand, and Ruth put her in her pocket again before anyone, especially Lorraine, could see. She was so glad the nun was here. Even so it took her a while to calm down from the strangeness of being sung to, and she only really began to pay attention as Mrs. Easting came to an end of telling them about the plan for the day. Their class teacher did like plans. Ruth preferred doing things as they occurred to her, and Great-Aunt Alice said she felt the same too. When her great-aunt was at school herself, everything had been different, she said, and most of the time they just played. Ruth couldn’t ever imagine Great-Aunt Alice being young enough to go to school but it must be true if she said so.
Anyway, her teacher’s plan for the day was this: they would start off with maths, then there would be storytelling and looking at geography, then after lunch it would be art and then religion.
When the maths lesson began, Ruth sat at the edges of the group she was with as they looked at numbers and how they worked. Ruth didn’t mind maths because she liked the fact that numbers were silent, like she was, but they could still change things. Not everyone or everything was stupid because they couldn’t speak, not like Lorraine said. She also liked the way each number in the box had a different colour, so that an eight was blue and a ten red. Her favourite number was seven, mainly because it was green, but also because she loved its shape the best:
The seven always looked so happy and bright, and Ruth loved it for that, as well as from now for the next year it was the age she was herself. This morning her group were helping a made-up girl called Emily go to the shops with her mother and bring back eggs, bacon and milk. Emily had ten
pounds to spend and could buy as much of the items as she liked without spending more than she had. She could bring back change, but as little of it as possible. Other groups of children had other stories to work with, including a trip to a swimming pool and planning a family holiday. Ruth was glad she didn’t have to do the swimming pool story as she couldn’t even swim.
She and her mother had gone on a trip to the sea once, and Ruth had spent a lot of the time trembling and staring at the vast blue ocean. She’d been afraid the water would swallow her up, and had cuddled up against her mother, refusing to go in. She could remember how her mother had told her it didn’t matter, but she might change her mind about it when she was older. Ruth didn’t think that was true, and she wouldn’t get the chance to find out now, not without her mother. Great-Aunt Alice never mentioned the sea.
Someone in the maths group nudged her and brought her back from her dreaming. When she looked at how far they’d got already, Ruth could see they were waiting for her to decide how much bacon to buy with the money that was left. She swallowed and wondered if everyone around her could hear the noise. She hadn’t been paying attention. Behind her, the shadow of Mrs. Easting fell across the group. Mrs. Easting didn’t like it when children didn’t pay attention. Ruth had seen that already, even though she hadn’t been at this school for long.
“Ruth?” Mrs. Easting said. “How many rashers of bacon would you buy for Emily? Why don’t you put that figure onto the table?”
In Ruth’s pocket, the origami nun began to tap against her leg. Eyes fixed on the table, Ruth counted out the taps and then tried to smile. Slowly, and not being sure that she’d really understood the message, Ruth reached out and took hold of the number seven, her favourite number. Just as slowly, she placed it in the middle of the table.
Mrs. Easting smiled. “Well done, my dear. Seven rashers of bacon is the right number. Good for you!”
Ruth couldn’t believe she’d got it right. Most times she didn’t get any of the questions right. She was happier with drawing and learning about history. She loved all the kings and queens. So she smiled back at her teacher and sat down. When she looked up, she could see Lorraine’s frown where she was watching her from one of the other groups. Ruth knew only too well what that meant.
When play-time came round, her classmates ran outside to enjoy the sunshine, but Ruth dawdled and pretended to be fiddling with the artwork on the wall. For a few moments, she thought she might have got away with it and Mrs. Easting wouldn’t notice her or would just for today allow her to stay inside where she felt safe, but she wasn’t in luck.
“Come on, Ruth! I’ve got things to do here. Why don’t you go outside and play? The sunshine’s lovely.”
She obeyed, her heart beating fast. As she slipped as quietly as possible out of the door into the bright sun, the origami nun in her pocket squirmed and sent a feeling of warmth into her leg. Perhaps it would be all right then, somehow. She hoped so. Once outside, she hurried to the corner of the school playground as usual where she might escape the notice of Lorraine and her friends.
She leant against the school wall, and the rough bricks dug into her skin. Keeping her head down so she didn’t make eye contact with anyone, she prayed that she would get to the other side of play-time unhurt. It was only fifteen minutes but it seemed like forever. If only she could have taken the day off and spent her birthday at home with Great-Aunt Alice, they could have gone for a walk or baked some cupcakes or anything. It didn’t matter what they would have done, she would have been very happy with that. But school was for always and you had to go every day while it was on. The only reason to have a day off was if you were sick, and Ruth wasn’t sick.
She stared at the small blades of grass struggling for enough sun to grow at the edge of the schoolhouse wall. Even though it grew in the playground, grass didn’t have to go to lessons, and it didn’t have to run away from horrid children. It didn’t know how lucky it was. How she wished she could be a blade of grass and not have to worry about anything else ever again. That would be like real magic, the sort that never happened. She wished her mother was here.
Thinking about her mother made Ruth’s eyes get wetter and she had to wipe her tears away. She and her grandmother had been killed in a car crash. Ruth had been with them when it happened, or so Great-Aunt Alice had said, but she couldn’t remember anything about it. All she could remember was sitting in the back of the car with her seatbelt on as the car drove down the High Street, and then the next thing was waking up in a bed she didn’t recognise and her great-aunt hugging her. For the first few weeks after that, she’d tried and tried to remember, but it hadn’t done any good, and in the end people stopped asking and she stopped trying.
“Hey, dumb girl, what you doing?”
Even before she glanced up at the girl in front of her, Ruth knew who it would be. Lorraine was the only one in the school who spoke to her like that. Everyone else just looked and joined in if they wanted Lorraine to be their friend. Lorraine didn’t want an answer, and anyway how could Ruth give one? She was silent. So she did nothing but shrug and look away.
Now if Lorraine was in a good mood, she’d laugh at Ruth and walk off, sneering. If she wasn’t, then Ruth was really for it. She put her hand in her skirt pocket and felt the reassuring presence of the nun between her fingers.
Lorraine pushed her. It was going to be a bad day then. Ruth froze. This time she had nowhere to run as Lorraine’s friends blocked any chance of getting away. Her throat felt dry. She wished Great-Aunt Alice was here. She would know what to do, she would protect her.
But she wasn’t here, and Lorraine and her friends continued to push and prod at her, as she made herself as small and unnoticeable as possible. Ruth tried to make-believe she wasn’t here at all, but somewhere else far away from school and play-time.
After a few minutes, though it seemed like hours, Lorraine stepped back and reached sideways to grab something Ruth couldn’t see. The next moment something dark and hot cut out the light and she punched at it, fingers scrabbling at whatever it was that Lorraine had thrown over her. It felt scratchy, like wool, and it smelt musty. The more Ruth tried to escape, the more trapped she became, and the less she could breathe. She hated this darkness and she had to get away.
In her pocket, the origami nun twisted and caused a pinprick of warmth to flow through her leg. She grabbed the nun and beat at the darkness surrounding her with it. As if she’d opened a secret door to a magic world, the darkness disappeared and she blinked in the light again. Next to her lay the blanket they used for the school rabbit hutch. It must have been that which Lorraine had thrown over her. Across the playground she could see a tall figure marching across and she could hear Mrs. Easting’s voice, raised in anger but not at her.
None of this mattered. With the nun in her hand giving her courage she’d never had before, Ruth pushed Lorraine to the ground so she landed with a thump and a yell. Then she kicked her.
I hate you, she mouthed so that Lorraine could see.
After that, still clutching the nun, Ruth raced past her class teacher, whose eyebrows she saw were raised in a half-moon shape and her lips opened in an O, then she was through the school gates and out onto the pavement.
She was going home.
Chapter Three
The rain lashed down on her and the wind roared as Ruth ran home. Odd how only a moment ago, the skies had been clear and calm, and now everything was different. How she hated thunderstorms. She kept on running, past umbrellas on legs, past trees that scattered rain across her head as she galloped by, past houses and bicycles and wildly barking dogs. She kept on running, carrying the nun in her hand and feeling braver because of her warmth.
When she arrived home, she pushed open the garden gate, raced down the path and pounded on the front door. She was soaked to the skin. Please let Great-Aunt Alice be in, she thought, please let her be in.
Her plea was answered because the door opened and the next moment Ruth was swep
t up into her great-aunt’s embrace. “My darling girl, what on earth are you doing here? Look at you, you’re soaked through, let’s go inside, we need to get you warm and then you can tell me what happened.”
Great-Aunt Alice kept on talking in a comforting way as she carried Ruth upstairs to the bathroom, sat her down on the bathroom stool and ran a steaming hot bath. Ruth slipped out of her school clothes and into the hot water as soon as she could. She realised she was crying and couldn’t seem to stop. It hadn’t been her best ever birthday so far. In fact maybe it was her worst birthday ever. She hoped all the other birthdays she would have in her life wouldn’t be anything like this.
Her great-aunt held her hand as she cried, and the nun Ruth was still holding grew warm in the heat of their palms. When Ruth finished crying, Great-Aunt Alice released her hand and patted her head.
“All right, my love,” she said. “You finish your bath and I’ll put your wet things in the washing machine. I’ll bring you up a hot drink and some dry clothes in a minute but first I need to ring the school and let them know where you are. Is that all right?”
Ruth nodded and wiped away the remains of her tears. She smiled at her great-aunt as she left the bathroom, grateful she had been at home. Great-Aunt Alice had a lot of friends and often would be out for coffee or doing the voluntary work she loved so much, mainly with old people. Ruth smiled at that, as she’d always thought Great-Aunt Alice was old. But perhaps there were different stages of being old she didn’t yet know about.
Still, for now, she lay back in the water which was deliciously hot and stared at the nun who stared back, the look on her face one of kindness. From downstairs, Ruth could hear the sound of the washing machine being turned on, and then the murmur of her great-aunt’s voice on the phone in the hall. She must be phoning the school and she wondered what she was saying. The thought of school felt like someone had hit her in the stomach, someone like Lorraine, and Ruth sank deeper into the safety of the water. She put the origami nun onto the stool near the bath and gazed at her. Funny how the nun made her feel safe too, but she couldn’t go back to school, she really couldn’t. What was she going to do?
