It was almost 10pm before they were home and Beth had tucked Alejandra away in her crib. Beth checked her house phone to make sure there were no messages from Torres.
Paige and her mom didn’t mention his absence. They both knew the subject was too raw to discuss. Beth scooped them all bowls of ice cream and went to sit in the living room and watch a movie.
Beth couldn’t focus. “You guys keep watching. I am going to hit the sack.”
“OK Pretty Girl, good night. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom. Night Paige, I love you. I’m glad you guys are here.”
Beth sat on her bed. She dialled Torres’ number and it went to voice mail again.
Shit. Where was he? Beth dialled another number. “I need a favour,” she said when Patterson picked up.
“Sure, California. What’s up? Are you OK?” The concern in his voice almost made her stop. She couldn’t handle Patterson being nice right now. Things would run so much more smoothly if he would throw in a sexist remark.
“Have you heard from Torres?”
“No. Total radio silence. What’s up?”
Beth took a deep breath. “I can’t find him. I just need to know he is OK.”
“Are you asking as the head of the Treintas task force or as his girlfriend?”
Beth closed her eyes. “Just find him please. I’m asking you to do this as my friend. Please don’t tell anyone.” It was bad enough that everyone in her office knew she was sleeping with him, she didn’t need them to know she was the pathetic woman getting stood up by him too.
“Sure. Beth.” Patterson paused. He was using her first name again. She hated when he did that; it blurred the lines too much. “I’m not telling you I told you so—”
“But what? You told me? I was warned? I should have known better?” She cut him off.
“No, shit. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just trying to say that I’m worried about you. Look, I’ll find the asshole. What you do with him after that is your business. But Beth…I’m just worried.”
“Thanks, Patterson.”
Beth put down the phone and waited for Patterson to call back.
The minutes stretched into hours. Beth stared at the ceiling, tracing a small crack in the crown moulding. The entire house was asleep. Soon it would be time for Beth to wake up and start the day again. Another day without Torres.
A 4:58 the phone rang.
“Torres?” She jumped out of bed when she heard the phone ring.
“No.” It was Patterson’s deep voice on the other end of the line. “It’s me.”
“Is he alive?” Beth held her breath. That was all she needed to know, anything beyond that was a bonus.
“Yeah he is alive. Well he was as of 9:32pm. We have surveillance of him crossing over the World Trade Bridge. He’s in Mexico, can’t tell you the exact city, I would have to make some calls to the guys in Mexico City.”
Beth shook her head. It didn’t make sense. “Are you sure it was him?”
“Not many people look like Torres. And now that his face is slashed he is real easy to pick up on surveillance.”
Beth couldn’t breathe. Something was crushing her chest, choking her. She sucked in air. This couldn’t be happening. He wouldn’t just leave. Not after everything. Not after today. He couldn’t leave.
“Thomson, you there?”
Beth swallowed. “Yeah.”
“There’s one more thing. His apartment has been cleared out. Nothing there. He’s not planning on coming back.”
Beth shook her head. Patterson didn’t know that. There was no way to know what was happening.
“Beth, you there?”
She couldn’t say anything. The world was black. Her body felt numb. He couldn’t just leave. Torres couldn’t leave. He loved her. Her leg buckled.
“Jesus Christ. I told you he was an asshole. Shit, Beth, look, stay there. I’m coming over.”
“No. No, I need to be alone.” The phone dropped from between her fingers. She bent down to get it and the realisation that she might never see Torres again hit her like a semi, taking the air from her lungs. She dropped to her knees. “Oh God,” she said and started to cry.
Chapter Twenty-One
Beth stretched her arms above her head and squinted to see the alarm clock on her bedside table: 7:23. There was a brief moment where she had a niggling feeling she was upset but she could not remember why.
And then it broadsided her.
Torres was gone. The realisation sucked the air from her lungs. Her chest ached. Her eyes burned. He was gone. She couldn’t think about it without wanting to cry but she couldn’t stop her mind from going back to their last time together in her office. Was it an act? Did he set out to intentionally deceive her, to hurt her as much as she hurt him? No it couldn’t be that. She wouldn’t believe he could be that cruel. He couldn’t have faked it, what he made her feel. He loved her, in those moments he did. She knew it with the same certainty she knew she loved him.
He just changed his mind. Simple as that. People do it all the time. She closed her eyes and let another wave of pain hit her.
He changed his mind. She repeated it over and over in her mind.
She took a deep breath. She would get over this like she got over everything. She would pretend it didn’t hurt until it really didn’t hurt any more. Someday it would stop hurting.
She pushed the thick white duvet off her legs. She was still wearing her clothes from the day before. There were still traces of him on her, in her. She pushed the thought away. She needed a shower. Maybe she could wash away the memory of him as easily as she could wash away his scent.
But first she would check on the baby. She carefully opened the door to Alejandra’s room in case she was still asleep.
There was no need to tiptoe: Alejandra was awake, sitting with her mom in the rocker beside the window, reading a book.
Alejandra’s face brightened when she saw Beth. She reached up with her small arms. Beth smiled as she scooped her up and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “Good morning, Pretty Girl.”
“She is a pretty girl. Just like my Pretty Girl,” Ruth said.
“Morning, Mom. How did you sleep?”
Ruth put down the book she was reading. “Better than you.” She rubbed Beth’s cheek.
Beth squeezed her eyes shut to keep from crying again. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not,” her mom said softly.
Beth shook her head. “No, I’m not. But I will be.”
Ruth nodded. “Yes you will. You will be just fine. You’re my strong girl. No matter what happens you bounce back. You remind me of a tree, you bend when the wind gets too strong, but you never break. You will right yourself again. You’re going to be fine.”
Beth nodded. She didn’t feel fine. She felt like she had already snapped. “It hurts, Mama. It really hurts.” Her voice cracked. She closed her eyes again but a single tear slid down her cheek.
“I know, Pretty Girl. If I could take it all away I would.”
She squeezed her lids together tighter. Her mom could take away some of the pain. She could move here, she could choose her over her dad. She wanted to ask but the words would not come out. She couldn’t bear if her mom chose to stay in California. She couldn’t have another person walk away. She really would break.
“Tell me,” her mom said. “Your face always gives you away.”
Beth bit into her lip to keep it from trembling. Torres said the same thing about her. “I need you. I need you here.”
Ruth wrapped her arms around Beth and Alejandra. “No, Beth you don’t.”
“I do. I really do. Pick me. Love me more than dad…pick me.” Her voice broke off as a sob tore through her.
“Oh no, honey.” Ruth rubbed her back. “Is that what you think? You think I am staying in California because I love your dad more than I love you?” Ruth pulled away. “Look at me. There is no one I love in this word more than you and your sister. You two are my
world. You’re all I need.”
Beth shook her head. “Then move here. I can’t move home. I’m not done. My job here isn’t done. There is a very bad man on the loose and I can stop him. I thought I could just walk away, but I can’t. I need to finish what I started.”
Ruth smiled. “Of course you do. I never doubt that. You set a goal and you always achieve it no matter how long it takes. Long after everyone has given up, you just keep plodding along until you get there. Have I ever told you how much I admire you?”
“You’re going to make me cry.”
“Too late,” her mom laughed as she wiped a tear away.
“Move here. Please.”
Ruth dropped her hand. “I can’t. I can’t do that to you, Beth. I’m sick. I want to pretend that I’m going to get better but every day it is getting worse. I see it but I can’t stop it. I don’t want you to have to watch me get sick. I don’t want to be that person. I want to keep being your mom. I can’t do that here… If I was here…you would have to see me…die.”
Beth took in a sharp breath. The pain of the word hit like an acute stab between her ribs. “No,” she whimpered.
“Yes, Pretty Girl. I’m going to die. We all are. But I don’t want you to see me deteriorate. I don’t want you to be burdened with me.”
Beth shook her head. “You will never be a burden,” she said adamantly. “I want to take care of you, Mom. I want you here. I need you here.” Her knees went slack. She put Alejandra on the floor with some soft blocks so she would not drop her. “I want all the time I can get with you. And…when…when you do go, I want to be by your side. Please Mama, let me take care of you.”
Ruth swallowed hard. “I won’t even know you at the end.”
Beth reached up and wrapped her arms around her mom. “I know, Mama. But I’ll know you. I’ll always know you. Let me take care of you. I need you.”
“I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want you to resent me and ruin the memory of who I was. I’m the mom, I am the one who should be doing the caretaking.”
“You did. You did, for so long, Mama. Now it’s my turn. Please let me take care of you. Please give me this time with you. I need you.” She buried her head in the curve of her mother’s neck.
Her mom gently rubbed her back, the way she did when she was little. She would sing to her and rub her back as she drifted off to sleep. The memory played in her mind, wrapped in longing and sadness. Those were times she would never get back and she wanted so badly to rewind the clock to a simpler time when her mom was invincible and there was no safer place than her soft arms.
“Of course, Pretty Girl, I will stay with you forever. I will always pick you. I always have. Please don’t forget that. Soon, I won’t be able to remind you so I need you to remember for both of us. Know how much you are loved. Know how special you are. Know there was never a choice, it was always you.”
Beth nodded. “Thank you, Mama. Thank you.” Beth held her tighter. She needed this moment to go on a little longer. She felt safe again. It was an illusion, just another lie she told herself, but she would happily let herself believe.
If only for a moment, she felt whole again.
CARINA™
ISBN: 978 1 472 09958 7
Blurring the Line
Copyright © 2014 Kierney Scott
Published in Great Britain (2014)
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