“Well, I would have done it for as long as you needed,” she said, quite seriously. “But I’m glad that you took things into your own hands. Are you doing better?”
“Yeah, I think so. You know how it is. Some days are harder than others, but the bad spells aren’t as bad.” She smiled and nodded.
“Knox?” she said.
“Yeah?”
“Jimmie Cone?”
As she took the cones from the window, Bria moved one toward him, then paused. Something in her gut was telling her not to, but she did it anyway. She licked his cone, and handed it to him with a chocolate-and-vanilla-covered smile. His eyes widened with delight.
“Hey,” he said, taking a lick right where her tongue had been, “that’s my move.” She shrugged and led him to a table.
“So, are you seeing someone?” she asked. He looked up at her. “A therapist, I mean.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’ve been seeing one for about four years or so, now.”
“And it’s helped?”
“Yeah, I think so. It got really bad right around the time. . . right around the time you went away to college.”
“Oh. Why then?” she asked. He looked at her.
“I don’t know,” he said finally.
“I wish you would have told me,” she said.
“Well, there was one night I almost did. Actually, Teddy almost did.”
“What? When?”
“The night you got engaged.”
She suddenly wasn’t hungry, anymore.
“What?”
“Yeah, I think I drank the whole night. Teddy found me in my own puke. Not one of my best nights,” he said with a smile.
“Knox, what happened?”
He shrugged. “I had just been having a tough couple of months. Then I saw the announcement on Facebook.”
“What about it?” He shrugged again and held his hand up.
“Eh, it really doesn’t matter. Point is, I started seeing a therapist, and I’ve really been doing a lot better. Those bad spells, they don’t come around near as much.”
She so badly wanted to pry for more information. Why that night? But that was a line she no longer had a right to cross. That was information she no longer had a right to know.
“Well, I’m really glad you’re doing well,” she said, grabbing his hand for a brief second. “And I hope you know that if you ever do have one of those times, I’m still going to answer when you call.”
He smiled at her. She hated that there was so much about his life over the last few years that she didn’t know about.
“Thanks,” he said, “but I don’t know if Drew would like that. I know I wouldn’t, if you were my fiancée.”
Suddenly, she felt a pang of guilt.
“Well, I should get going,” she said. “See ya around.”
Later that night, she lay in Sam’s bed, scrolling through Facebook on her phone. Across the room was a tall bookshelf, and out of the corner of her eye, she spotted her old yearbooks. She pulled them out, lugging the big pile to the bed and began to flip through.
She turned all the way to the back, where he had signed each year.
Baby cakes -
Thanks for being the sun in my sky, the rose to my thorn, the . . . yeah, I’m all out of clever lines. Thanks for being you, and for being mine. Your Baby Cakes, Knox
It was funny, but all these years later, the note still gave her a little tingle, just as it had the night he wrote it.
As she traced his handwriting with her fingers, her phone buzzed on the bed.
Ya know how I said the bad spells weren’t as bad? his text read.
Yeah. . .
I guess I sort of lied. They still suck.
Do you want to talk?
If thats ok. Im outside.
She jumped up from the bed and ran to her window. Sure enough, there he was, in her parents’ driveway. She snuck down the stairs as if she were a teenager, and quietly unlocked the back door, hushing the dog.
As she stepped out onto the back patio, she shivered. She had underestimated how cold it was. She rubbed her arms as she walked down the driveway.
“Hey,” she whispered. “You wanna go out back?”
“Sure,” he said. She quietly dragged two chairs to the back corner of the patio, where she knew they couldn’t be seen through any of the windows in the house. She knew this from experience―it’s where she and Brett went to make out when her family was home.
“Thanks,” he said. “Sorry it’s so late.”
“So what’s going on?” she asked, her voice quivering in the cold. He smiled and shook his head, pulling his hoodie up over his head and holding it out for her.
“Here, ya nut.” She hesitated for a moment, but took it, pulling it quickly over her own head. His scent almost knocked her out. It had been so long since she had smelled him, and she had forgotten how musky and sweet it was.
“Thank you,” she said, giving him a quick smile. “Talk to me.” She looked at her friend, begging him with her eyes to open up, and to let her be that person again.
“I don’t know, I just. . . I feel like ever since. . . When I saw you and Drew at the bar, I just kinda. . .”
“What?” she asked, trying not to sound as impatient as she was.
He looked down at the ground again. The silence was deafening.
“Remember that first party at my house you came to?” he said with a faint smile.
“Yeah,” she said, wondering what this had to do with the night at the bar, or the demons he was dealing with.
“God, and that day the ball hit you! I almost forgot about that,” he said, and she realized he was avoiding the question.
“Knox,” she said.
He looked up at her, and suddenly, leaned in closer to her. His eyes were moving from side to side as he stared into hers, as if he were looking for some sort of answer. He lifted his hand, lowering it just above hers, but quickly stopped.
“I’m sorry,” he said, standing up. “I shouldn’t have texted you.”
“What? No, Knox, don’t apologize. You can talk to me. It’s still me,” she said, standing up and grabbing his arm. He looked down at her hand on him, then into her eyes. For the shortest second, he placed his hand on top of hers, squeezing it.
“No. I’m fine, really. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have texted you, or shown up like an idiot. I’m gonna head home.”
“Knox,” she said, reaching for his arm and spinning him around. For a moment, their foreheads touched, and they both stood perfectly still. He closed his eyes, taking in a few slow breaths. Finally, he stepped back.
“Sorry again,” he said.
She wondered how hard she could beg him to stay before it sounded desperate. Then she decided not to at all.
“Wait, your sweatshirt,” she said, pulling it off over her head. In high school, he’d put his hand up, and say, “keep it.” But tonight, he just took it back slowly, and got back in his car.
She snuck back into her house, climbing the stairs quietly, skipping the creaky ones, and plopped back into bed. After a moment, her phone buzzed again, and she practically fell off the bed to get it.
So sorry I didn’t call after work. Got off late. Had another surgery today! I’ll call you in the a.m. Love you!
She sighed, her shoulders sinking in disappointment.
Awesome! Can’t wait to hear all about it. She sent it. Then, as she set her phone down on her end table, she jumped back up.
Love you, too! she added.
EIGHTEEN
Then, Summer Before College
“I’m not sure what else we can do,” Bria heard her mother say. She and Sam sat in the hallway, as they had so many times as kids, eavesdropping on their parents’ kitchen table conversation. She never really understood why her parents had these so-called private discussions in the kitchen; it was an open floor plan, and their voices carried perfectly. But she and Sam would never dare point that out for fear of losing out on their vant
age point.
“I’m not either, hon,” Joe said. “I guess we can try and sell your car. We can carpool to work, you can drop me off.”
“We can also cancel cable, for now,” her mother said.
Bria heard her mother blow her nose, and knew she was crying. Earlier that day, she had seen her mother open a piece of mail, and as she read the contents, her hands started to shake. Louise seemed to be in a hurry during dinner for the girls to finish up and get ready for bed. So Bria and Sam knew it was probably a bill collector, or the bank.
“I can’t believe this is happening. Jesus, Joe, what if we lose the damn house?” her mother whispered. Just then, Bria heard another little sob from next to her. Sam had tears streaming down her face, and she was clutching her stomach. Bria held her finger to her lips, telling Sam to hush, and led her into their shared bedroom. When Katie got sick, her parents had moved Sam in with Bria so Katie wouldn’t wake Sam when she needed to take pills, or was uncomfortable during the night.
“Sam, it’s gonna be just fine. You heard them, they’ll just get rid of one of the cars. That will help a ton. Plus, I have savings. Don’t worry, okay?” she said, stroking Sam’s hair.
“I’m scared, Bria,” Sam said, sniffling.
“Shhh. . .” Bria said, rubbing her back until she finally dozed off to sleep.
That night, Bria lay in bed, her stomach in a thousand knots, knowing she wouldn’t drift off to sleep. She had no idea what to do. Or if she could even do anything. She was supposed to be leaving for college in less than two weeks. But how could she leave her family like this? She looked at the clock. 2:43 a.m. There was only one person who might be up right now.
Bria snuck down the stairs and out to her car, driving the backroads to his house. Bria snuck around the back of the house, careful not to set off the motion sensor lights. She paused at the back door for a moment. What if he didn’t want to see her? Or, worse, what if he already had someone in there? But, it was too late. She was already here, and she was desperate.
She tapped lightly on the glass at first, then a little harder. Finally, a light shone from the back hallway, and a sleepy Knox came out in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. He rubbed his eyes as he unlatched the door.
“B?” he whispered, opening it wider. “What’s going on, you okay?”
Instead of answering him, she stepped inside, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his bare chest. And then she cried. And cried. And cried. He led her into his bedroom to muffle the sounds from waking his parents. He got her a cup of water from the bathroom, and sat down next to her on his bed. When she finally calmed down, he propped the pillows up on his bed and patted them for her to lie back next to him.
“What’s going on?” Knox asked again, once fluids had stopped pouring from every orifice on her face.
“I think my parents are going to lose the house,” she whispered. He pulled the covers up around her. “And I don’t even know if they will be able to finish paying for Katie’s treatment. And I’m supposed to be leaving, and now I don’t know if I can go. It’s too late to apply for financial aid, and they will need the money. . .” she felt the tears welling up again, and the lump in her throat was back.
“Shh,” he whispered, wrapping one arm around her and pulling her into him again. “B, your family is going to be fine, okay? I promise. And so is Katie. There are definitely some programs they can look into, or loans they can get. . .I promise, they will be fine. You have to go, B. You need to go.” She didn’t say anything, she just lay her cheek on his chest, and let his steady breathing lift her head up and down. It had been looming all summer, but this was the first time they had talked about the fact that she’d be leaving. UMD was only an hour away. But she was still going away. She wouldn’t be commuting to school like he was. She’d be a full-fledged college student. She finally looked up at him.
“You need to go,” he said again. But just before she drifted to sleep, she heard him whisper, “but I don’t want you to.”
The next morning, they woke to a knocking. She was curled up in a mix of sheets and him, his long arms wrapped around her. She squinted as she slowly opened her eyes. Knock. Knock. Knock. Holy shit. She was still in his bed. And it was light out.
“Knox! Wake up,” she whispered, shaking his shoulder. He quickly jumped up. “We fell asleep!”
“Shit!” he said, jumping up and pulling a t-shirt on that he had grabbed off the floor.
“Knox? I’m coming in,” Mrs. Knoxville said.
“Hold on, Ma, I’m—“ bam. The door burst open. Mrs. Knoxville stood there, her hand on the doorknob, her jaw at the floor.
“Oh, good morning, Bria,” she said, looking flushed.
“Hi, Mrs. Knoxville,” Bria said, her voice shaky. Fuck.
“Mom, this isn’t—she just came over to hang out and we fell asleep. . .” Knox started to say.
“Well, whatever this is,” she said, motioning to the two of them, “the Kreeries just called. They are looking for you, Bria.”
“Oh, my God!” Bria said, scurrying out of the bed. “I’m so sorry,” she said, pulling on her shoes. “Knox, I’ll call you later!”
Luckily, Louise and Joe hadn’t changed their approach to parenting overnight, so there was nothing in the way of punishment. Just a quick “tell us from now on when you’ll be out,” was all she got. She supposed that if it was Knox she was with, they weren’t worried; they never suspected that their relationship was anything but platonic. And ever since she had told them about his depression, they were even more lenient when she was spending time with him. She knew she wouldn’t be in trouble, she just hated to cause them any more worry or anxiety than they were already dealing with.
Later that evening, as she helped her mom clean up from dinner, she pulled out her phone.
I’m so sorry I fell asleep. But thank you, she texted.
Don’t be sorry. I like sleeping with u ;) it’s all gonna be ok, he sent back, almost immediately.
She smiled and clutched the phone to her chest. She didn’t know if he was right, but it felt good to have him in her corner.
The rest of the short week passed, and before she knew it, it was her last night at home before leaving for College Park. Her parents and sisters were helping her load up both of their cars with all the new things they had bought before Katie started treatment, for her dorm. It had been two weeks since Bria heard her parents discussing their possible foreclosure, but nothing had come of it. It was too late for her to apply for loans, and Bria wondered if she would get to school and get kicked out right away because her tuition wasn’t paid. But she shook her head. Her parents wouldn’t do that to her.
Louise had been crying off and on all day.
“I can’t believe my biggest baby is leaving,” she said, laying a long kiss on Bria’s forehead as she shoved one more box in the back of the car. Bria swallowed hard, her anxiety levels peaking. Tomorrow was the day she’d leave for college, but she’d be leaving behind her family on the brink of a financial crumbling. She couldn’t help but wonder about what they’d do, or if Katie would ever get better. The knot in her stomach grew ten sizes as she tried to control her breathing. But she couldn’t hide it from her mother.
“Sweetie,” Louise whispered, pulling in her for another hug, “stop worrying. We are going to be just fine.” Just as Joe slid the last of Bria’s boxes into the back of the car, his phone rang.
“Be right back,” he said, exiting to the kitchen. After no more than five minutes, he came bursting out the front door.
“Lou, Lou! Great news, we’re all caught up with the mortgage, and have six months paid in advance!” Her mother’s eyes grew wide.
“Wha—what? How?” Louise asked, bringing her clenched fists to her face.
“I. . . I’ll tell you later. But it’s all taken care of, baby!” he said, laughing, and pulling her in for a long kiss. The girls laughed and clapped their hands. Knox was right. It would all be okay. And
just as Bria imagined sharing the news with him, down the cul-de-sac came Mr. Knoxville’s beat-up old pickup truck, the one he let Knox drive after his accident. Knox pulled up in front of her house and hopped out.
“Knox!” Katie said, running to him for a hug. He scooped her up and made his way to the car, giving Sam a hug.
“Hey, Kreery clan,” he said, turning to Bria. “I couldn’t let ya go without stopping in to say goodbye.”
She looked up at him, eyes watery.
“Somehow . . . my parents got caught up with their bills,” she said quietly. He flashed a devilish grin and pulled her into his chest.
“Told ya everything would be okay,” he whispered back.
“Girls, come on in and help me grab these last boxes,” Louise called. Sam and Katie scurried inside.
“I’m glad you came by,” she said.
“Of course. I couldn’t not say goodbye, baby cakes,” he said. She smiled and squeezed him again, tight.
“Will you come visit?” she asked.
“Parties and free booze? You know I’m there,” he said, giving her that knee-weakening grin again. “I’ll see you soon, baby cakes.”
NINETEEN
Now
It had been a little over a month since Bria’s promotion, and work was going absolutely perfect. She enjoyed the people on her new team, and she got a lot more freedom with the projects she was working on. The extra money wasn’t half-bad either, and it had helped tremendously with the Kreeries’ expenses. The commute from Dalesville really wasn’t much worse than her commute from D.C., and she could beat traffic if she left early enough.
As she pulled into the driveway, Louise was walking down the porch steps, with her purse on her shoulder.
“Where you going, ma?” she asked.
“Oh, just to the grocery store. I’ve been so busy with your sister this week, that I haven’t had a second to go.”
“Well, you want some company?”
As they strolled the aisles, they talked about just about everything, from Katie’s treatment, to the bills, to the wedding, to Sam’s new girlfriend.
It Goes Without Saying Page 13
