And why did he mention not messing things up with her and Drew? Was he saying that he wanted to? Or was he just saying she should be respectful of his new relationship?
God dammit. This resurfacing frustration was familiar, but one she hadn’t felt in years. It was the same frustration she felt the night she asked Knox if what they were. It was the same frustration she felt each time he held her hand in a playful way, but for a little longer than a friend would. It was the same frustration she felt when he would hug her—no, when he would hold her—and then make out with her friend in the hallway the next day. Suddenly, Bria was fifteen again, wondering if Ben Knoxville could ever want her, and she hated that. She was so angry, so pissed off, she didn’t notice the tears streaming down her face until the front door opened. She quickly jumped up, wiping the black mascara streaks from her cheeks.
“Hi, hon,” she said.
“Hey,” he said.
“How was your night?”
“Ah, fine. Sorry I had to leave dinner. Although, it was kinda awkward, so maybe I’m not so sorry,” he said with a chuckle as he cracked open a can of seltzer water from the fridge.
“I thought it was fine. I’d like to try and reschedule,” she said.
“Ugh, seriously?”
“Yes, seriously. Why is it such a problem?” To be honest, she wasn’t even sure if Knox would agree to it again. Or if he would even talk to her.
“Why are you pushing it so hard? It’s awkward. And you clearly have nothing to talk about except for how much you two were into each other ten years ago.”
“That is not true. We were friends.”
“Yeah, okay,” Drew said, plopping down on the couch.
“I’m serious,” she said, stepping directly in front of the television. He looked up at her.
“Look, maybe he wasn’t into you, but you were definitely into him. Who remembers that kind of shit about someone like you do, unless you’re into them?”
She wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he wouldn’t agree to going out again, or if it was the fact that he was insinuating that she had feelings for Knox, but she was seeing red. The idea that she might feel differently, feel more, for Knox than he did for her was something she had been terrified of since her sophomore year of high school. And now, her fiancé was bringing it to light.
“I don’t have feelings for him,” she said, glaring down at him.
“Well, I would hope not now.”
“I didn’t have them then, either.”
“Okay Bria, whatever you say. Can you step like an inch to your right, please?”
“I did not have feelings for him then.”
Why was she pushing this so much? Drew didn’t seem to care that she liked him then, so she could have easily dropped it. But she wasn’t trying to convince Drew. She was trying to convince herself.
“Okay, fine,” he said. She knew he was just saying whatever magic words would make her move an inch to her right.
“I want to go out with them again.”
“Well, I don’t. It’s not fun for me.”
“You don’t even know him.”
“Yeah? Well neither do you, anymore. Why is it so important to hang out with them again? If you want to go out with people, we can go out with Tara and Cody.”
Bria genuinely liked Tara; she was a sweet girl, one of those people who asked you a question about yourself, thoroughly listened to what you said, and then remembered the answer. Tara actually gave a shit about people. It was refreshing. She was just so different from Bria. She grew up with money, and lots of it. And clearly, she would never know anything different. Drew had grown up with money, too. His parents had sent him to the most expensive private high school in the city, and he graduated from Maryland without a single dime of student loan debt. And he had always seen her debt as a bit of an inconvenience.
“Well, hopefully we can pay that off early, so it doesn’t affect your credit scores too bad,” he would casually drop in a conversation. “I’m sure my parents will help us get rid of it faster.” Bria had rolled her eyes at that. She got along fine with her future in-laws. They lived in Virginia, just outside of D.C., in a house big enough for three families. They had welcomed her in, her mother-in-law taking her shopping all the time, her father-in-law treating them to dinner a few times a month. They were wonderful. They were just different. Their lives were different, and their stress was so different. Drew’s parents had graciously offered to pay for the alcohol, rehearsal dinner, and the upgrade from buffet to seated meals at their wedding, because his mother said buffets were “just a little tacky.”
Drew knew Bria’s family struggled financially, but she knew he didn’t really understand it. In fact, he didn’t really understand a lot of what her family went through. And it was because he didn’t care to. She just couldn’t talk about her family’s stressors with him, because he had nothing to offer. He wasn’t Knox.
And as her mind wandered from Tara and Cody to Drew and Knox, Bria suddenly realized she had left her fiancé hanging in conversation.
“I just want to,” she finally answered.
“You know,” Drew said, suddenly losing interest in the television, “you keep stressing that you don’t have feelings for him. But you fighting to see him again doesn’t really back that up.”
“I’m not fighting anything. If I want to see them again, I will,” she said, arms crossed now.
“Them? Give me a break. You have no interest in seeing that Karly chick again. It’s not ‘them.’ It’s ‘him.’ Just tell me, Bria, what is so special about that guy? I mean, I get that when you were younger, he was the older guy, probably paid attention to you to try and get into your pants. But now? I mean, look at you, and look at him. You have a good job. You’re getting married. We’re gonna be doing great in a few years once I’m in a private practice. He’s still stuck in cow town.”
And now, Bria was seething. How dare he belittle what she and Knox shared. And joking about “cow town” was only okay when she did it. And how dare he humiliate her, making assumptions on what she felt for Knox. And how dare he assume that Knox didn’t feel something, too. And worst of all, how dare he assume that Knox didn’t measure up to her, just as Knox himself had done all those years ago. She walked across the room and grabbed her bag off the counter.
“Aw, come on, Bria. Enough with the dramatics,” Drew said, still lounging on the couch. She slammed the door as hard as she possibly could behind her. He didn’t catch up to her until she was downstairs, clutching the handle of her car door.
“Come on, Bria.”
“Fuck off, Drew. Leave me alone.”
“You know what? Go. I’m sick of this petty shit. Ever since you went back there, it’s like you forgot how to be a grown-up. You call me when you’re over your little crush.”
She didn’t say anything. She just stared at him as she ducked down into her car. On the way back to her parents, she was shaking. What was she doing? If she was trying to sabotage her own engagement, it seemed to be working. But that was crazy talk. She and Drew would be fine. Right? And what about Knox? How angry was he? When she crossed over the town lines, she passed through the quiet Main Street, all lights out.
But instead of turning down her parents’ street, she made a left into the development where Knox lived. She paused to look for his car, and when she spotted it, she double-parked behind it. She looked around the lot for a car expensive enough to be Karly’s, but unless she drove a beat-up Honda with a missing hubcap, there was no such vehicle to be seen. Bria took a breath and walked up the front steps of the townhouse, and knocked.
She held her breath, half-expecting him to see her through the peephole and wait till she gave up. But, to her surprise, the door opened.
“Jimmie Cone?” she asked. “It might be our last chance before they close for winter.”
He hesitated for a moment, then closed the door. She stood on the stoop, dumbfounded. Suddenly, the door opened back up, as Knox pulled
a sweatshirt over his head, leading her to the car. She sighed in relief.
They didn’t say much until they got their ice cream. She treated, since she felt like it was the least she could do. She was tempted to lick his cone before she handed it to him, but she wouldn’t dare. Not tonight.
“Look, I’m really sorry about earlier. It was wrong of me,” she said, when they were settled at a picnic table.
“Yeah, it was,” he said, licking his cone. “But it’s okay. You know I’ll always forgive ya.” A pained half-smile crept across her face.
“Where is Karly, anyway?”
“Well, I’d guess that by now she’s off with someone else. Probably someone more like Drew.”
Bria’s eyes grew wide. Oh no. She had ruined it for him. Karly had ended it because of her. His heart. . .it would be broken all over again. Only this time, she couldn’t be there for him every day until it healed.
“Oh, no, Knox,” she said, “I’m so—“
“No, don’t go beating yourself up,” he said, holding up his hand. “I ended it, not her.”
“W-why?” she asked. He shrugged.
“I don’t really have a solid reason. I just, I don’t know. After tonight, I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m ready for something that makes me. . .I don’t know. Something that feels more than what it felt like with her. I guess like what you have with Drew.”
Bria looked up at him at the mention of Drew’s name, for the second time. She nodded.
“Speaking of the doc, where is he?” Knox asked. She clapped the crumbs off of her hands and wiped her them on her jeans.
“In D.C.,” she said. “Mad at me.” She felt a little dirty getting into it. She didn’t want to betray Drew, but in the same breath, this might be her chance to cross that bridge with Knox again.
“Got ya. Well, whatever it is, I’m sure you two will work it out and be hunky-dory tomorrow.” She nodded. Okay, guess not. “You want to know something?” he asked.
“Hmm?”
“I don’t really like Jimmie Cone,” he said, matter-of-factly. She felt her eyes grow wide, as if he had just told her he killed someone.
“You what?” she asked. He smiled at her and shook his head.
“It’s true. I’m not a big soft-serve fan.”
“But. . . but we’ve been coming here for over a decade,” she said, in utter disbelief. She knew it was silly, but for some reason this revelation bothered her. Maybe because Jimmie Cone was their spot.
“I know,” he said with a chuckle. “I mean, the ice cream is okay, but I more so came for the company.”
She felt her cheeks flush, and she held the back of her hand to the side of her face.
“So, does that mean we can still come?” she asked. He laughed again.
“As long as you want to,” he said.
As they pulled back into his neighborhood, and he got out of the car, she reached for his sleeve.
“Knox?” she asked, her heart pounding. He stopped and turned to her. “I know tonight kind of sucked. But I hope you know that I really do want you to be happy. Whatever that means.”
He smiled at her, and squeezed her hand for a moment.
“You too, baby cakes,” he said, closing the car door. She was pretty sure the butterflies in her stomach could have flown the whole car home.
That night as she lay in bed, she replayed Knox’s words again. You know I’ll always forgive ya. It was the “always” part that kept sticking to her brain. As if he thought he’d be around for always.
And just as she was about to close her eyes, she realized something: she hadn’t spoken to Drew since she took off. He never texted her to see if she made it home. She never texted him to apologize. They never even said goodnight.
TWENTY-TWO
Now
On her way back into town the next day, Bria stopped in at Tucker’s to get some gas. Tucker’s was great on chilly days like this, because they were the only place in town that still pumped your gas for you.
“Hey, Carl,” she called out her barely-cracked window, “can you fill it up? Regular, please.” Carl had graduated with Knox, and had been working here since they were in high school. She hadn’t known him well in high school; only as the first boy of many that broke Christa’s heart. He tipped up the brim of his hat and Bria smiled. Some things really never changed in Dalesville, and lately, she was feeling like that wasn’t such a bad thing.
“Oh, my, God!” she heard someone shriek from the other side of the pump, “Bria Kreery?”
Bria turned to see Courtney Blake, Soccer Captain-Student Council President- Extraordinaire, jumping out from her gunmetal gray Beamer. Of course she had a Beamer.
“Oh, my gosh, Courtney!” Fake Bria shouted, her fakeness hitting maximum levels. She hopped out of her car, running into Courtney’s embrace.
“How the hell are you?” Courtney asked, holding onto Bria a little longer than Bria would have liked. “I saw on Facebook you’re engaged, right? Let’s see the ring!”
Bria smiled, sticking out her hand. When she had first gotten engaged, she practically walked into rooms with her hand sticking straight out, waiting for people to “ohh” and “ahh” over it. She posted one too many pictures to Instagram where she happened to be holding a mug in her left hand, ring pointed toward the lens, or a picture of her hand on Drew’s face, the rock gleaming in the light. She lived for it. It felt a little different today, though. She showed it off, but quickly stuck the hand back in her pocket.
“Yep, wedding’s in April, actually,” she said. Saying those words out loud made her realize just how soon she was going to be Mrs. Drew Baker. Or maybe Mrs. Kreery-Baker. She hadn’t decided.
“So exciting! I saw the pics. He’s cute!” Courtney said. “So listen, I have to run for dinner, but tomorrow night a bunch of us are meeting up at the Music Café for drinks, since so many of us are in town for the Thanksgiving. You should definitely come! Knox will be there,” she said, “but I’m sure you knew that already.”
Bria smiled. On one hand, she liked that people still associated her with Knox. But on the other, it made her realize how sad she was about the connection she had lost with him. They weren’t the same Bria and Knox that everyone knew from high school. She just nodded.
“Yeah, definitely, I’ll try to make it up there.”
The next day, she waited until nine o’clock to head out the door. She wanted to be fashionably late, so she could scan the room once she arrived and see who might be there. But she also didn’t want to be too late, and miss out on time with Knox.
When she walked in, she saw a group of Courtney’s old friends gathered by the dance floor. A DJ was on the stage, already playing dance music.
“Bria!” Courtney waved her over, causing an influx of ex-cheerleader and ex-soccer player hugs to come at her at an overwhelming volume.
“Hey, guys! Oh my gosh, it’s been years!” Fake Bria said. They laughed and she listened to stories about how each of them graduated and got exactly the job she had always wanted. Some of them were living it up in Baltimore or D.C., a few of them were back home in Dalesville.
Bria smiled and nodded, but her eyes were scanning the back door, waiting for Knox to arrive.
After an hour and three margarita swirls, she was feeling pretty good. But alcohol doesn’t disguise disappointment, in fact, in her case, it was magnifying it, and she was actually pretty concerned with how sad she was that Knox wasn’t there.
“Come on, Bria!” Courtney said, pulling her up from her chair. “I love this song!”
Actually, Bria loved it, too. And since it seemed that Knox was a no-show, she figured she may as well let loose. Just as they reached the floor, the back door swung open, and she laid eyes on him. She watched him scan the room, making his way toward their tables.
And when he saw her, he stopped walking, staring right at her.
So she started shaking it. What else was she supposed to do? She spun around, ran her fingers through her h
air, danced up on Courtney. And the whole time, she kept her eyes on his, knowing exactly what she was doing every single time she wiggled her butt. He shifted uncomfortably as he stood, and she gave him a dazzling smile. Finally, the song was over, and she stepped off the dance floor. He handed her a glass.
“Look like you could use a drink after that,” he said with a smile.
“Thanks,” she said.
“So you two are still best friends, after all these years?” Courtney said, plopping down on the chair next to them. “That is so cute.”
Bria looked at Knox. She was thankful that the answer was just assumed, because honestly, she didn’t know if it was still true.
“So Bria,” Angie Carp, Co-Soccer Captain, said, “let’s see that ring!”
“Yeah!” the other female voices echoed. Bria’s eyes flashed to Knox quickly as she slowly stuck her hand out. But when she looked down, the ring was gone.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t put it back on after I ran today,” she said. Holy shit. She hadn’t gone a day without wearing her ring since the day Drew proposed. Today, she’d totally forgotten to put it on. “There’s pictures on my Instagram, though,” she said, as if Drew were there to hear her.
She heard herself going into detail about Drew, and what he did, and where he worked, and how they met. Then came the questions on the proposal story. And as she told it, she wondered about what Knox’s face looked like. But she couldn’t bear to look at him. When she finally turned back, he was in a deep conversation with Teddy.
Just then, a familiar song came over the loudspeakers, as Courtney made her way back to the table from the DJ booth.
“Now, I’ve had the time of my life,” Bill Medley started to sing. Bria’s eyes darted to Courtney.
“Come on, guys, re-do of prom!” she shrieked.
“Yeah!” cried the ex-soccer player army. Bria felt an entire flock of butterflies migrating in her stomach, first flying north, then flying south, as her eyes slowly found Knox. He was looking at her with a half-smile, eyebrows up, waiting for her to make the next move.
It Goes Without Saying Page 17
