And I think, no . . . I know Sutton can be that girl.
But what if, fuck, what if she dives into a relationship and realizes, just like my parents, that I’m worthless? That’s not a chance I can take. I’m already on the verge of falling off the face of the earth any second, I don’t need the extra push. Because if Sutton loved me and I eventually lost her love . . . I can’t.
Sighing, my forehead pressed against the wood molding of the wall, I grip the doorknob and prepare myself for another day of brutal chores, more camp setup, and watching Sutton be her beautiful self.
I swing the door open just as Sutton opens hers as well. I pause mid-stride when I take her in. Decked out in the tiniest cut-off shorts I’ve ever seen, her trusty boots and . . . oh fuck no.
“What is that?” I ask, pointing at her chest.
She glances down and then back at me. “My shirt.”
My brow soars. “You call that a shirt? It’s cut off. I can see your entire midriff.” I bend a little. “Are you wearing a bra?”
She points down the hall. “I left it in the bathroom. I was going to get it.”
Perky and perfect, her breasts tempt me once again and even if she was wearing a bra, I’d be able to see it. There’s no way she’s wearing that shirt outside with all the ranch hands swarming the property.
Nope, not going to happen.
Before she can make her way to the bathroom, I push her through her bedroom door and shut it behind me. For a second, I observe her modest childhood bedroom: tan walls, floral bedspread, a poster of a horse above her bed. It’s fucking cute.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she asks, hands on her hips, her shirt riding high.
“You’re not going out there like that. I can see your nipples.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m going to wear a bra. And honestly, this is none of your business, Roark.”
I pull on my hair and turn away, frustrated with this entire situation. She’s driving me completely nuts, and I don’t know what to do about it. She’s right, it isn’t any of my business how she dresses, and even though I want her to wear a turtleneck and slacks, I know I can’t ask her to do that.
“Fuck,” I mutter. Hand still in my hair, I say, “If you’re going to wear that, please stay away from me.”
There is a softness in her voice as she presses her hand to my back. “Is everything okay, Roark?’
I shake my head, my body tingling from how close she is. “No. I’m struggling, Sutton.”
She comes up to my side and tries to look me in the eyes but I don’t turn my head. “You can talk to me, you know.”
“I can’t.”
“Roark—”
I pin her against the wall next to her door in one swift movement, catching her off guard. Her eyes are a little wild, her chest rises and falls against mine as she asks, “Wh-what are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” I answer, my hands pinned at her waist, itching to move up. When I take an inch, her breath catches in her chest, so I move my hand up even higher until the underside of her breast is rubbing against my finger.
“Roark,” she breathes out. Heavily.
I lean forward and press my mouth to her ear and nip at her lobe. Her head lulls to the side and even though she’s been nothing but a giant temptress the last few days, I feel the need she has for me in the way her hands fall to my shoulders and then up my neck to weave through my hair.
I move in closer, pressing my hips against hers while I cup her breast at the same time.
“You’re driving me crazy, Sutton.” My lips work up and down her neck. “You think this is easy for me? Being here, my room across from yours, watching you talk to other guys? It’s killing me.”
“Then do something about it.”
“What do you want me to do?” I ask while lowering my head to her breast, lifting her shirt up and sucking her nipple into my mouth.
“Yes,” she says on a sigh. “That feels so good, Roark.” Her encouragement spurs me on and breaks something inside me. I lift her up by the waist and carry her to the bed where I lay her down gently. I press my hips against hers, letting her know how much she affects me.
I bring her shirt up and over her head, exposing her breasts. She’s so beautiful it’s almost painful. I lower my mouth back to them as I rock my hips into her, my erection finding small relief in the friction. But I want more.
She must read my mind, because her hand reaches between us and falls under the hemline of my jeans where her fingers pass over my bulge.
I lift up, head lowered, and hiss out a long breath, giving her more access. My muscles tighten, my eyes fall shut, and her little hand curls around my cock, my briefs the only barrier.
“Fuck,” I mutter. “Sutton . . . I.” Her hand slides inside my briefs, and I swear I’m seconds from coming from her touch alone.
I glance up to see her mouth parted, her eyes wild as she says, “You’re so big, Roark.”
And that’s my undoing. That innocent look, the surprise but joy that crosses her face, it breaks my resolve.
I reach down and undo her shorts, yanking them off in a smooth movement, then push my jeans down, leaving my briefs on. Like a teenage boy, I press my erection along her spread legs and seek the comfort of her warmth. My erection peeks past the waistband of my briefs as I glide it up and down her thong-clad center.
“Oh. My. God,” she moans and I shush her, bringing my mouth to her neck again, my hips rocking against hers in long strokes and then quick short ones, my body really unsure of what it wants.
No clothes would be better, but I can’t do that to her, not when I’m unsure of the feelings bristling inside me, but fuck, I just want some relief.
“I’ve never wanted something more in my life,” I say, surprising myself, but . . . it’s the truth. “You drive me crazy with need, Sutton. The last few days have been hell for me.”
“But don’t you know? You can have me, Roark.”
I grind my hips harder, my legs starting to tingle, my balls beginning to tighten.
“That’s what I’m worried about. You shouldn’t be so willing where I’m concerned. I’m not right for you.”
She spreads her legs even wider and links her hands behind my neck. “Why won’t you let me be the judge of that?”
I grind our hips together as I lift my head to look down at her. Lips wet and ready, eyes focused on me. Kissing her would bring this need to a whole new level. I know the moment my lips meet hers, there will be no returning. I won’t be able to stop.
Is that something I want to put her through, offer her a man who’s unsure if he can ever return what she gives him?
I don’t know if I can do that to her.
So instead of lowering my head, I keep my eyes locked on her as I drive my hips over hers, rocking us both to a peak.
She bites on her bottom lip, her neck straining, her orgasm floating, ready to fall over. Christ, I’m right there with her, my heart pounding in my head, my body thrumming with pleasure.
Knock, knock.
“Sutton, are you in there?” Foster’s voice calls out, stilling my hips in an instant.
Holy fuck.
I quickly stand, my erection painfully hard as I back away and look around her room. I spot her closet and quickly flee while pulling my pants up.
A small moan pops out of her during my retreat, and it echoes through my head as I lean my body against the closed closet door, unable to catch my breath.
Strained, Sutton says, “Yeah . . . just had . . . a clothing mishap. Be right down.” Clothing mishap, yeah, I would say missing half your shirt is a clothing mishap.
“Oh okay, just checking. Have you seen Roark?”
“Uh no . . . did you check the horse pen? He’s really good at taking care of all the excrement.”
Foster laughs as I frown. Real fucking funny. “Good point, I’ll go check. Hurry up, we have a lot to do before the kids arrive tomorrow.”
“Yup, be right down
.” The strong footsteps of Foster’s boots echo down the hallway as he retreats. We must have been so far gone to not even notice their approach earlier.
On a heavy sigh, I lean my head against the closet door as it opens. Back tense, cock hard as stone and stuffed in my jeans, I turn to find Sutton wearing nothing but a thong. Come on, this really isn’t fucking fair, especially with another day of hard labor ahead of me.
I reach out to her and bring her into a hug where my hands fall to her bare ass. I kiss the top of her head and say, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For letting that get out of hand, for being a dick to you, for believing you belong to me when you don’t.”
She lifts up and looks me in the eyes. “But that’s where you’re wrong, Roark. No matter how much you try to push me away, it doesn’t change how I feel about you.” She bites her bottom lip and grips the front of my shirt. “I’ve tried to act like you don’t matter to me, that I can move past this crazy affection I have for you, but it’s impossible. With one look in my direction, you have me melting at your feet. And there’s nothing I can do about this feeling. So, when you come into my room and press your lips all over my body, I will always give in, because it’s what I crave.” And that makes me one lucky bastard—something I don’t deserve.
“You shouldn’t,” I say on a whisper.
“I know, believe me I know, but I can’t resist you. No matter how hard I try, I can’t.” Her hand reaches up and strokes my cheek, her eyes filling with unshed tears. “Please don’t pull away from me. I so wish you could see the value in us being together.”
Sadly, she lowers her hand and moves past me where she pulls on a pair of jeans and a regular shirt. When she departs the closet, I call out, “Bra, Sutton.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Still in the bathroom.” And then she takes off.
I lean against her shelves, an overwhelming sense of Sutton surrounding me as I try to uncomplicate my head.
I so wish you could see the value in us being together.
I can see it, hell, I can feel it, almost as if she’s been slowly etching it into my bones over the last few weeks. Weakened and tired, I head out of her room and down the stairs where I watch Sutton give her dad a hug before they walk out of the house together.
What I wouldn’t give to be the man she gives those hugs to, the man she looks up to with that smile, or the man who protects her from the rest of the world.
“No matter how much you try to push me away, it doesn’t change how I feel about you . . . I’ve tried to act like you don’t matter to me, that I can move past this crazy affection I have for you, but it’s impossible.” But how do I become the man who deserves her? How do I become her man?
And then I hear Foster’s thoughts, which combine to further cement these thoughts.
A man takes his life into his hands and makes the most of it.
Foster was right, I’m not that man—yet—but maybe it’s time I find out how to start acting like him.
Chapter Fifteen
Dear Jasper,
Jasper is the name of a pig I talked to the other day as I fed him what looked like sewer slop. He had kind eyes, so I thought I’d try the name out here. Not sure if it works, just reminds me of the old hog.
I honestly don’t know what to say right now. If my therapist was here, she’d ask me annoying questions like how do you feel? What’s on your mind? Any hurdles you’ve had to face lately?
Well . . . since she’s not here—not that I would want to talk to her—but since she’s across the country, probably diddling around on her doodle pad, I’ll write the answers here.
How do you feel? Like absolute piss.
What’s on my mind? Sutton. Day in and day out it’s been Sutton.
Any hurdles you’ve had to face lately? Only a few, you know, nicotine cravings, the need for one shot of whiskey. Release, sweet fucking release.
And then there’s the biggest hurdle of them all . . . emotions. I’m dealing with a bunch of emotions I’ve never felt before. Things like . . . jealousy, emptiness, yearning.
I can see myself letting my walls down and lending out my hand to Sutton. I can feel my guard crumbling and needing something other than alcohol to console me.
I want to hold Sutton’s hand.
I want to kiss Sutton whenever I damn well please.
I want to tell her shit, like my fears and my triumphs.
I want to share meals with her. She gets my spuds, I take her Brussels sprouts. Shit like that.
I want her to wear my shirt at night, and I want to wake up with my arm around her in the morning.
Jesus Christ . . . I think I want a relationship.
Roark
* * *
SUTTON
“How do you feel about everything?” Dad asks, taking a seat next to me by the fire.
Showered and in comfortable loungewear, I lean back in my camp chair and stare at the crackling flames. It was a long day, prepping all the cabins, organizing registration, making sure the gift bags were all correct with the right sizes. But we did it, and we’re more than ready for the festivities to start tomorrow. My job is done, and now I get to sit back and let the rest of the staff take over.
I close my blanket over my shoulders. “I feel really good. I don’t think we could be more prepared.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” My dad gives my leg a pat and looks over at me, the creases near his eyes crinkled with a smile. “I’m proud of you, Sutton Grace. You’ve become a very beautiful and hard-working woman.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I say awkwardly, not really sure how to react. “I’m glad Whitney gave me the opportunity to take over. Is she going to come down here?”
He nods and leans back in his chair, crossing his leg over his knee. “She’s at a hotel, due to arrive tomorrow morning before the campers.”
“Oh good. It would be weird if she didn’t show up.” I wince. “Do you think she’s going to criticize my work?”
He shakes his head. “She’s not that kind of boss, but she will run over everything, double-checking to make sure we covered all our bases. I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“Me neither.” I look toward the clear sky, stars sparkling brighter than I’ve ever seen. “Are you going to be sad when you retire next year?”
“I’ll miss the game and the people, but I think it’s time. I’ve been suiting up for almost two decades now. I think it’s time this old man takes a break.”
“Think you’re going to coach the local high school team?” I smile at him. “You know they’re just waiting for you to offer your help.”
He lifts his hat and then runs his hand through his hair. He’s the only one yet to take a shower, offering the chance to everyone else first. “I think I’ll take my first year off and then I’ll probably trickle in and help. I don’t think I can stay away from the sport for that long.” He gives me a nudge. “Which reminds me, when are you going to give me grandkids? I’m retiring; I’m ready to be a grandpa now.” He chuckles softly.
“Uh, not for a while. Kind of need to have a guy in my life first, plus I want to establish my career. You’re going to be waiting a while. Sorry.”
He snaps his fingers in disappointment. “Are there any prospects out there?”
Only one who hides behind a shield of armor so impenetrable that I’m certain I’ll become an old woman before I can get past it.
I shrug, not really wanting to talk about Roark with my dad, or relationships for that matter. It’s too sensitive a topic, especially since the man I truly want is about fifty feet away in the house.
“That’s all you’re going to give me? A shrug? Throw your old man a bone, is there someone in the city you’re talking to?”
Should have known he’d be persistent.
Maybe if I keep things vague, I can get this weight off my shoulders, and then maybe gather some advice because if anything, my dad is really good at helping guide me, always ha
s been.
“Well, there is this guy.”
Rubbing his hands together, he leans forward. “Now we’re talking, tell me all about him.”
Yeah, that won’t be happening.
“We met a few weeks ago and at first I really didn’t like him, but over texts and some few chance encounters, I’ve developed feelings for him.”
“Does he share the same kind of affection?” I nod, knowing fully well Roark does. “If he likes you, why do you have that look on your face?”
I roll my teeth over my bottom lip, trying to put into words what I know about Roark without defining him to my dad.
“He won’t give in to his feelings, at least not for the most part. I don’t want to get into too many details, you know, since you’re my dad and all—”
“All I ask is that you use protection. Do I need to have that conversation again?”
“God, no.” I hold up my hand. “Please, Dad, don’t.”
“Okay, but make sure you’re following everything I taught you.”
“I am.” My face flames, and I know it has nothing to do with the fire in front of me, but rather the burning embarrassment of this conversation.
“Good girl.” He motions with his hand. “Continue. You said he won’t give in to his feelings?”
“Yeah, he had a pretty bad childhood and it’s affecting him now. I think he’s scared he might hurt me, but what he doesn’t realize is he’s already hurting me by not truly being with me.” I sigh and slouch in my chair, pulling my legs into my chest. “All I want is to date him, Dad. I want to be able to go out on dates and hug him when I see him. I want to be affectionate and help him through his bad days, but every time I try, he tells me he’s not good enough for me and no matter what I say, he won’t change his mind.”
Diary of a Bad Boy Page 20
