I'm Still Here: A Novel

by Jon Mills

  Her father turned and leaned against the sink, drying a cup in preparation for making coffee. “It is if she’s been filling their head with Anna’s theories.”

  “I’ve not been filling anyone’s head,” she replied.

  “But you’re involved?” Rob asked.

  “That’s right.” She frowned feeling under a microscope. “What is this, twenty questions?”

  “We’re just curious,” her father said.

  “So are these new leads related to the attempted abduction?” Lloyd asked.

  “Possibly.”

  “Possibly? You sound unsure,” he said.

  “It’s still in process. Why does it matter to you, Lloyd?”

  “Kara,” her father said in a correcting tone.

  “What? I’m just asking why he’s so curious.”

  “It’s okay, Matthew. Kara, it matters to your father and he’s my client,” he said before quickly adding, “and friend. What affects him is eventually going to be heard by me, and he’s concerned for your well-being.”

  She wanted to snap back at that but instead decided to get them off her back by telling them. “We found a person of interest dead today. His home contained material that could link him to missing cases, even Charlie.”

  Lloyd studied her. “And Charlie? But his abductor is in prison.”

  “Alleged.”

  “Alleged?” Lloyd asked. “No, I think it was proven in court.”

  “It was,” her father added.

  She set her spoon down after finishing her meal and sat back. “Well maybe this recent discovery might overturn that sentence.”

  Again there was another long pause.

  “You think Harris is innocent?” Rob asked.

  “My mother did and if her files were anything to go by I’m beginning to think she was on to something.”

  Lloyd looked at her father then shook his head. “Without meaning to sound rude, obviously we can see how that turned out.”

  She shot him a look of disgust and he must have picked up on it as he was quick to add, “I mean, this isn’t healthy, Kara. As someone who has worked with victims, I can assure you that going down this road won’t bring back Charlie.”

  “Victims of abduction have been found before,” she said.

  “And most are found dead within the first twenty-four hours,” Rob said.

  “Except his body was never found,” she added wiping her lips with a napkin and tossing it into the bowl. There was silence for a second or two. “Anyway, we’ll know more once CSI gets through Seth Leonard’s home.”

  “Seth Leonard?” Lloyd asked.

  “You know him?”

  He nodded and took another gulp of his glass. “I treated him for twelve years after his release from prison.” Kara’s eyes widened. This was news. “Has he said anything?”

  “A little hard. He’s dead,” she replied.

  “Dead?”

  “Yep.” She took another sip of her wine and studied Lloyd’s reaction. “So if you treated him, you must have been aware of what landed him in prison and what was going on in his head. Did he ever say anything?”

  Lloyd drained his glass of wine.

  “If you’re asking if he mentioned Charlie or the other boys, no. But yes, I was aware of his past. He was a very sick individual that really should have been treated at the special commitment center on McNeil Island rather than locking him away for eight years in the state pen.” He took a deep breath and continued. “What you have to understand is most of these individuals don’t wake up one day and choose to commit an offense. Their actions are birthed out of some tragedy in early childhood — sexual abuse or witnessing it. In Seth’s case he was first a victim before he became a perpetrator.” He hesitated for a second as if contemplating whether he should say more. He continued, “He was abducted while at a museum with his family. His abductors took him to a nearby forest where he was sodomized and beaten for several hours. Unlike other victims he was released the same day. His abductors were never caught.” He looked down into his drink with a blank stare before taking a sip.

  “Well on that note, I think I’ll call it an evening,” Rob said rising to his feet. He leaned over and kissed Kara on top of the head, something he’d done for years since she was a kid. He shook Lloyd’s hand before slapping her father on the back. “Good to see you again, Lloyd. And thanks for the dinner, Matthew.”

  “Anytime.”

  The door clunked behind him as he let himself out.

  They sat there for a few minutes before Kara asked, “So you believed him?”

  “He never changed his story,” Lloyd said.

  Her father snorted. “That sob story still doesn’t justify what he did to those kids.”

  “No it doesn’t,” Lloyd added. “But it makes you wonder what path he would have taken had it not happened. And let’s not forget, he served his time.”

  “Not enough in my books. They should have castrated him, locked him inside a cell and thrown the key away,” her father said.

  “But that doesn’t cure them, Matthew.”

  “Neither does letting them out to wander the streets,” her father said.

  Again more silence.

  “Were you aware of his paintings, or kiddie porn?” Kara asked.

  “He was a sick man, Kara. These kinds of people need to be treated. He told me he couldn’t touch anyone so he painted nudes but he never mentioned anything about pornography. I assumed his probation officer would have been wise to that, if that was going on.”

  “But you never informed the police about the little you did know?”

  “First, it would have broken client confidentiality and second, you can’t stop a person from lusting. If painting was therapy to him, then I was all for it. Better that than hurting somebody.”

  Her father tossed the dish towel over his shoulder and scooped up the remaining bowls on the table. “I think we should call it a night. I’m sure Lloyd doesn’t appreciate being grilled like this.”

  “It’s fine, Matthew. Really. I should get going.”

  He got up and offered to help but her father declined.

  “Kara. Matthew. It’s been an interesting evening.”

  Always interesting, she thought. Damn guy never switched off from his work.

  Her father waited until the glow of Lloyd’s headlights faded before he unloaded on her. She was in the middle of cleaning the dishes and chewing over what he’d said about Seth’s past when he erupted.

  “You made me look like a fool tonight.”

  “Excuse me?” she said, caught off-guard by his accusing tone.

  “Lloyd was my guest. I have never felt so humiliated as by the way you spoke with him. Is that how they teach you to speak to people in the academy? Because I know damn well I didn’t raise you to speak like that.”

  “Humiliated? I could say the same thing about you.”

  “How did I humiliate you?”

  “I told you to cancel that appointment with him but you didn’t. I then come home tonight and he’s here.”

  “He’s a friend of mine. And…” he jabbed his finger at her. “You told me not to cancel.”

  She gave a twisted expression.

  He scooped up a cup and began drying it while shaking his head. “Just like your mother, expecting me to read minds. I really wish you would just say what you mean instead of being so double-minded.”

  “Which reminds me. You know, Dad, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t keep saying that.”

  “Saying what?”

  “That I’m like mom. I wouldn’t mind if it was said in a positive light but it’s always put in a way that makes me feel like you thought she was crazy.”

  “She was,” he snapped.

  Kara stopped washing the dishes and narrowed her eyes at him.

  “What?” he asked. He wasn’t even aware how out of line his words were. “Kara, you didn’t have to live with her. No, while you were out east I was here trying to maintain s
ome semblance of a relationship with a woman who was a shell of the person I married.”

  “I wonder why, Dad?” she said returning to washing the dishes.

  He shook his head and clattered plates together. “I went through it too. I lost a son as well. But you don’t see me creating some crazy wall of theories or holding on to my son’s belongings. Charlie is gone!” he bellowed. “Your mother wouldn’t accept that and it broke apart our marriage. And I refuse to see you head down the same road as her. I won’t have it.”

  Kara shot him a sideways glance. She could feel her emotions welling up inside of her. She removed her hands from the bubble-filled sink and dried them. She scooped up her keys to her SUV and went to head out.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out. Before I say something I regret.”

  She slammed the door and slipped back into her jacket. As she went out she heard her father curse and toss a plate in anger at the floor.

  Chapter 26

  Kara drove for an hour or so around the county before finding her way to the doorstep of Noah’s apartment. When he opened the door, she walked in without even an invitation. Her mind was still lost in the argument with her father. She flung down her bag and slumped into the couch shaking her head. Noah stood at the door with a smile on his face. “Please… come on in,” he said in jest before closing the door.

  “You think I can sleep here tonight?” she asked.

  “Uh… sure.” He frowned then thumbed over his shoulder. “But aren’t you staying with your father?”

  “For a few more days but I would prefer to not go home tonight.”

  He gave a slow nod as if feeling the tension but still unsure. “You want a drink?”

  “Do I ever.” She breathed in deeply and exhaled. “Yes. Please.”

  “Wine okay? I’m out of beer.”

  “Anything with alcohol is fine.”

  As Noah clattered around in the kitchen she just blurted it out.

  “You know it’s been twenty-five years and not once has my father acknowledged or asked how my brother’s abduction affected me. And tonight, yet again he brings it back to himself. What he’s lost. What he’s suffered. No mention about me.”

  Glasses clinked together and there was a thump as the fridge closed. He returned a moment later and poured her a glass of white wine, handing it off to her before filling his own and curling up at the far end of the sofa.

  “Sorry, who?”

  “My father.” She took several large gulps from her glass, nearly finishing it in one go before reaching for the bottle and filling it back up again. “My mother was the same. After the abduction it was just a whirlwind of activity in our house. I was pushed off to my uncle’s and after I returned things were never the same again. My mother blamed me, and my father ignored me. They both did in some ways.” She slowed her drinking, taking small sips. “And yet through it all, months after the crowds were gone and the media stopped paying attention, it was like they had forgotten they still had a daughter. I felt invisible to them.” She closed her eyes, gripping her glass tightly and thinking back. It was easy to find the emotion. “I just wanted to shout, I’m still here.” Her eyes opened again. She took a deep breath then looked at him. “Sorry, I really shouldn’t be unloading this on you. I can get a hotel room.”

  She set the glass down and went to get up.

  “It’s fine. Kara.” He said her name louder, getting her attention. “Relax. It’s okay.”

  Kara looked back at him and stood there for a second before taking her seat again.

  “I imagine it must have been hard,” he said. “I mean I’ve dealt with victims and I guess in some ways the woman who killed Amanda was an abductor. She took her from me and I never got her back.”

  “How did she die?” Kara asked. “Like you told me it was a crash but…”

  “She was T-boned by a drunk driver on the way back from her mother’s. I’d just got off the phone with her only minutes earlier.” He paused for a second. “It was rare that we argued but a few days before that we had this big bust-up. I can’t even remember what it was about now. Anyway she took off. I got on the phone and we talked it out and after a couple of days she was making her way home. I’d told her that I’d planned this getaway to Florida. She’d always wanted to go there.” He stared off towards a chair across the room. “You think of all the things you wish you could have said, done. You know — the what-ifs.”

  “You blame yourself?” she asked.

  He looked down into his drink and then took a sip. “At times. Obviously I wasn’t the driver of the vehicle but if we hadn’t had that argument, she wouldn’t have gone and well…” He snorted. “I can’t believe I just told you that. I haven’t ever shared that with anyone else except her parents.” He breathed in deeply. There was a long pause before he continued, “But you want to know the worst part? Her parents don’t harbor any resentment towards me. Can you believe that?” He drained the remainder of his wine.

  The clock in the background ticked quietly.

  “What was she like?” Kara asked.

  “Amanda?” A smile returned to his face. “A pain in the ass but the good kind. She could give as good as she got. I actually think she’s the only one that could have put up with my crap.”

  Kara smiled. Being married to a cop wasn’t easy on the best of days.

  He poured some more wine and topped hers off before continuing. “But I loved her. I really did. She was kindhearted and had this way of making you laugh at times when you really shouldn’t. You know?” Kara nodded. “Everything could be going wrong but just having her beside me made life easier to endure.” He looked off again towards the chair, which by now Kara had gathered was hers.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you,” she said.

  “Ah, it’s okay. People lose their lives every day. What does one more light going out matter?”

  “It matters,” she said.

  Her thoughts turned back to the case and she got up and went over to her bag and pulled out the sketches from earlier that afternoon. “Take a look at these. After getting off the phone with you, I visited Maureen Caldwell and asked if she had any photos or video of the candlelight vigils they have each year for Scott. I figured if Seth Leonard had been in attendance at Charlie’s vigil that perhaps—”

  “He’d been at the others,” Noah said cutting her off.

  He took them from her and twisted them around. She sat down beside him bringing her one leg up and wrapping her arm over the back of the couch. “Exactly. Anyway, I viewed video today and while Seth wasn’t anywhere to be seen, Ray Owen was. He’s left this sketch four times over the last four years.”

  Noah’s brow furrowed as he looked at it. “A well?”

  “Four times.”

  “Why would he do that?” he asked, though it sounded like he was asking himself the question more than her.

  She shook her head. “Who knows but here’s what I do know. According to Henry Ellis, he approached my mother not long after Charlie was taken offering to help find him. He said he was some kind of psychic. Yet I don’t remember any mention of the cops following up on that lead. I figure he was dismissed as a kook. But obviously he raised enough red flags that Ellis wanted to bring him in for questioning.”

  “And?”

  “It never happened. He said the sheriff at the time kept the focus on Kyle Harris.”

  Noah looked down at the sketches. “I know it’s weird but these don’t mean anything.”

  “You have that video of Seth Leonard at one of Charlie’s vigils. Maybe Owen is on it. I’m going to attend the vigil tomorrow. It seems the four families hold one together, now that the cases no longer get the attention they once did. I didn’t get to speak to the rest of the parents today but I bet you he left something with each of the families.” She finished her drink. “And I’m going to find out. Besides, who knows, he might turn up.”

  “Owen?” Noah asked.

  “Well you h
ad him on the list, right?”

  “Yeah but with everything that’s going on with Leonard’s home…”

  “Leave it with me,” she said.

  “Kara.”

  “I can handle it. I’ve been at this longer than you.”

  He got up and smiled. “Let me get you some blankets.”

  As he went about collecting some, her mind churned over the day’s events. “Oh, and I forgot to tell you. Did you know that Lloyd Benson was Seth Leonard’s therapist?”

  “Get out of here,” he said returning with an armful of blankets and a pillow.

  “And according to Benson, he was abducted and abused as a child himself.”

  “Huh.” He dumped the blankets on the couch and pointed to them. “You think that’s going to be enough?”

  She glanced at them. “If it’s not I’ll let you know.”

  He blew out his cheeks and cast another glance at the sketches. “If you don’t mind I’m going to turn in. I’m exhausted. If you need anything, the fridge is there. Help yourself.”

  She nodded. “And Noah, thank you.”

  “Not a problem.”

  He ambled off into his bedroom and she used the washroom before settling in for the night. Over the course of the next hour she tossed and turned, unable to get Ray Owen’s sketches out of her mind. In the darkness of the room, light filtering through the drapes caused shadows to dance against the wall. She closed her eyes and puffed out the pillow and tried again to sleep. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t forget what she’d seen in Leonard’s home and the images of missing kids played over in her mind.

  Eventually she got up and headed into Noah’s room. As she pushed the door open he stirred and looked over his covers. Instead of telling him the truth she said, “It’s cold.”

  He pulled the covers back and jerked his head. She hesitated for a second then crawled in.

  Chapter 27

  Sam crushed the cigarette beneath his boot, and gazed at the Clayton farm through the dense woodland before trying to call Kara one more time. Nothing. It just went directly to voicemail. He’d left a message asking her to call him back but he wasn’t going to wait. He’d left his motorbike near the Quillayute Airport and walked the short distance across farmer’s fields and had been crouched in the tree line for close to twenty minutes. The only light came from a crescent moon. The stars were hidden behind rolling dark clouds. It was a little after ten at night.