by Nola Marie
“What happened, Angel? What’s making you threaten to show up here all of a sudden?”
“All of a sudden! Eden, I have been trying to get you to tell me something for years. You’re as bad as Josie except you don’t run away. You point blank tell me no.”
“What happened?” she asks again with worry filling her tone.
With a deep breathe I tell her. “I arranged for her to go out on her birthday. It ended with her drunk and stoned to the point she couldn’t stand. I stayed with her all night.” I don’t know why I start there, but I don’t miss the way Eden sucks in a strangled breath. I tell her the rest of what little I know, ending with Ryder and Maddox’s little revelation.
“Angel,” she starts again, her voice cracking with sadness and sympathy.
“Don’t Angel me, Eden. I want to know. She’s never going to tell me because whatever it is, she thinks I did it or had part in it or something, and I don’t have a fucking clue.”
“I can’t believe she got high again after what happened last time,” she says with worry and exasperation. “Why the hell do you do this to her?”
I’m not sure she was talking to me as much to herself, but she sure as hell got my damn attention.
“What do you mean by that and what the fuck are you talking about last time?”
“Her twenty-first birthday. We went out. We were having a good time. Then she sees a message from you, and it went to shit,” she tells me almost accusingly which pisses me off. “She drinks too much, finds some guy with some blow, fucks him in the bathroom, and does some more. She was arrested for indecent exposure, possession, and assaulting an officer. Your dad is the one who got her off. That’s when she changed her number and deleted her social media accounts. You fuck with her head without trying. I’m sure she’s been a raging bitch since she started working for you. Hell, she’s been one to me.”
I just wanted to tell her happy fucking birthday. Just like the other day, I wanted to make sure she had fun. She’s always hated her birthday. Ever since she was seven. I also knew she’d always wanted to go to Universal Studios. For all I knew, she’d done that since I talked to her last, but I didn’t care. I wanted to make sure she got to experience just in case. Then I wanted her to have a fun night.
How was I supposed to know that she would react that way? That I was some sort of trigger for her bad decisions. I never wanted to be that.
“What the fuck, Eden?” I blast. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Because as much as I love you, Angel, I have tried to keep neutral about all of this. I’ve never told her about your days of staying high and drunk either. Or how you became some unrecognizable adrenaline junkie that didn’t seem to care about his own life. I’ve heard of people being toxic together, but you two are toxic apart. It is ridiculous. I’ve tried to be there for both of you, but dammit you’ve both made it hard as hell.”
I grab the back of my neck and squeeze the tense muscles hard as I walk around the parking lot. “I know, Eden. I get it. You’ve been put in the middle of all of it, and I’m sorry. I really am. But can you please just tell me what it is I’m supposed to have done? Eden I am begging here.”
It’s quiet on the line. So quiet I begin to wonder if we’ve lost connection. Until I hear her release a heavy breath. My phone dings with an incoming video call. When I see her face, my insides turn to knots. This is not going to be easy to hear.
She begins to reveal to me things that I had no idea about. All the reasons for Josie avoiding me – hating me for so long. Everything that could’ve been avoided if Josie had talked to me. If Eden would’ve just come to me. I honestly feel like I could be sick at some of the things I hear – the things that were done to her. If I could go back, I’d tear each one of them apart. Especially Erica and Jason.
“I can’t believe she thought I would do all of that,” I say as I lower myself to the ground.
“She only believed what she saw, Angel.”
“I didn’t know she was coming over, Eden. I called and called but she never answered. I never saw a text from her, and I definitely didn’t send one that would encourage her to show up like she did. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I’d had too much to drink.” I tell her. Frustration, grief, sorrow, and rage flood through me. I can’t seem to latch onto one emotion no matter how hard I try.
“Uh, Angel, there’s something else,” she tells me, and I can hear the apprehension and fear tinging her voice. “It’s not really related to you, and she will kill me if she finds out I told you. I just figured since I’m spilling here, you should know. No one else knows but me.”
I lean my head back against the bus as I look up to the sky. I squeeze my eyes shut and pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and middle finger. My jaw clenches and the muscles there pop as I prepare myself for another bomb. “What is it?” my voice grates.
“That night that Jason and Erica -. Anyway, Jason didn’t – uh -,” she trails off.
“Just tell me, Eden,” I hiss.
“He didn’t use protection. He convinced Josie they’d be fine without it,” she says so fast it nearly sounds like one word.
But I don’t miss a single word. My heart is beating a million miles a minute. I feel sweat bead on my forehead in spite of the cool temperature as my blood pressure spikes. “What happened?” I say so deep, so low, that it’s amazing she heard me. I already know where this is going. At least, I think I do. My stomach revolts at the thought.
“She was scared to death he gave her something when she started feeling sick, so she went to the clinic. She was clean but she was also -,” she trails off again.
“What? She was what?” I demand loudly even though I already know the answer.
“She was pregnant,” she says with tears in her eyes.
“With Jason’s baby,” I add. “What did she do?”
“I went with her to the clinic again the next week.”
I pull the phone away from my face so she can’t see the myriad of emotions moving so quickly through me that I can’t keep up. I look at the starless sky above me and wonder why.
“Angel, are you there?” I hear her call out.
I bring the phone back to my face. I watch as tears stream down hers. “Fuck you, Eden,” I hiss. “Fuck you and fuck Josie. If one of you would’ve just talked to me just once none of this shit would’ve happened.”
Angel,” she cries harder, “we really thought you knew. How could you not? The entire school knew.”
“Because apparently, Eden, everyone made it their goal to hide it all from me. I guess I’m just a stupid motherfucker. I’ve got to go.”
“Angel, I’m so sorry,” she sobs harder.
“Yeah, Eden, so am I. I’m sorry that neither of you trusted me or came to me years ago. I’m sorry you both thought so little of me.”
I end the call without giving her a chance to respond or say goodbye. I’m done with this conversation and anything else she could possibly add. Her apologies mean absolutely nothing because the damage has been done long ago.
“Son of a bitch,” I yell out into the open sky and vacant parking lot as I hurdle my phone into the side of the bus.
I pace the parking lot like a tiger that’s been contained too long. I tug at my hair and pull at my neck screaming and cursing Eden, Jason, Erica and even Josie. I curse every asshole that went to school with me. I even curse myself for being played like a fucking fool by people I thought were my friends.
After a few minutes, Dane comes out. “What the hell, man? You okay?”
“Not even fucking close,” I yell at him, “and no I do not want to fucking talk about it. I need to get out of here. Where are the keys to the car?” I nod to the car we have follow us in case one of us needs a short escape.
“Ang, no man. You’ve had zero sleep,” he argues with me.
I turn toward him. Like a tiger stalking circling another male for territory, baring my teeth and my muscles taut ready to pounce, I mov
e to stand right in front of him. I don’t care that he has several pounds of muscle on me. Right now, I know I can and will beat him into the ground. “Where are the goddamn fucking keys?”
His eyes move over me. From my tight jaw to my clenched fist, he observes every inch of me. He releases a long sigh, “Fine, but you’re not going alone.”
“Whatever,” I tell him. “I just need to be far away from her right now.”
It’s nearly 9:30 when we pull into a hole-in-the-wall diner near Broken Bow for breakfast. Dane fell asleep within the first half-hour of driving, leaving me to my thoughts.
I am so pissed I can’t see straight. I’m not sure how I’m going to calm down before the show. You’d think it would work for a rock band. Being amped up on adrenaline does. Being amped up on anger not so much. It’s how fights get started.
I want to strangle Eden, kill Jason and Erica, and Josie, I don’t even know. I can’t believe she thought I would ever let anyone treat her so poorly. No poorly isn’t a strong enough word. They treated her like she was an animal.
I’m so pissed with myself. I was so self-absorbed – so wrapped up in my own problems I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Sure, I would hear the occasional whisper, but I always thought it was just the rumor mill at work. Anytime I caught Jason or anyone else running their mouths, my fist often connected with said mouth.
“You gonna tell me what going on with you?” Dane asks as he chugs his coffee.
I look up from my plate that I don’t even remember ordering. “Got some shit news a decade after the fact,” I tell him.
“About Josephine I’m guessing,” his eyes penetrate. I nod. “Want to tell me about it?”
No. I do not want to tell him. I want everything Eden said to be some sort of sick, twisted joke. I want to shake Josie because how could she believe I’d do any of that?
If I had any idea it was going on, I would have done whatever I could to stop it. There is no way I could’ve guessed what was going on with her. Not back then. Not now.
And Erica? I was never blinded to her like everyone thinks. I just didn’t care enough to pay attention to what was going on around me. In retrospect, that was our entire relationship in a nutshell.
“Earth to Angel,” Dane says waving a piece of bacon in my face.
“Sorry,” I mumble as I try to focus.
“What the hell did you find out to rattle you so badly?”
I blow out a hard, harsh breath. “I don’t know if I was the worst goddamn friend ever or if everyone that I grew up with were professional liars.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge?” he offers.
“It’s not really my business to tell.”
“It will never leave this table, brother,” he tells me seriously.
I consider him for a minute. He’s got two sisters. One of which he started raising when he was twenty-three years old. I don’t know if he can relate to any of this, but he can definitely give me a different perspective.
So, I tell him everything I know.
“Damn,” he says with a low whistle. “Well, from what you’ve told me, you are not a shit friend. Apparently, everyone knew your reputation and made sure to keep quiet when you were around. If anything, I’d say your friends were shit because even the ones who weren’t a part of it didn’t tell you.”
I nod my head in agreement. “Josie was always my best friend. The rest were just acquaintances more or less.”
“Josie – er, um, Josephine,” he quickly corrected. I couldn’t stop the smirk that spread across my lips. At least I was still the only one she let get away with calling her Josie. Not that she could stop me, but she still wouldn’t let anyone else call her that. “I get her issue, you know. She didn’t have all the facts. Given what I know from Tori and Cara, her reaction isn’t that unusual. Especially from someone with self-esteem issues and a history of having everyone bully her. She probably saw what she did and assumed you decided it was easier to join in than have her back.”
“I would never do that,” I growl, gripping my fork tightly.
“Look, Ang, I get it. I’m just telling you what I’ve seen and heard from my sisters. How the female brain works so to speak. Not all of them. Tori would’ve ripped your balls off and fed them to her goldfish, but she’s told me how other girls have had something similar happened. Except, in their cases, the guy really was doing everything they thought he was doing. But the other girl – Eden? – she should’ve come to you. Especially after -,” he trails off.
“No not after. Before. As soon as she realized Jason had convinced Josie to be his secret girlfriend. I would’ve known something was up. I’m surprised Josie fell for it,” I say with a shake of my head in disbelief.
“Sometimes people lose who they are when they are trying to fit in.”
“I can’t believe she went through all of that. To be humiliated like that and then to find out she’s pregnant. And then to go through an abortion without anyone to lean on except Eden.”
“At least she had her,” he tells me.
“I think that’s the part I’m struggling with the most. I could’ve been there. I should’ve been there. I was her best friend. That and Josie believing I would do any of that to her. We were friends our entire lives. How could she think so little of me to believe I would do any of that or let it happen?”
“I think that’s the point. It wasn’t you she thought little of. It was herself that she didn’t think very highly of. But it’s easier to point the finger elsewhere. Especially when, in her mind, she didn’t understand why you stuck around her. Look, I can’t begin to guess what goes through a woman’s mind,” he tells me with a chuckle, “but you knew how she felt about you and you also knew she didn’t have a clue how you felt about her. From what you’ve told me about the night that it all started (or ended) and the way she was dress, she probably thought you were making fun of her.”
“She should’ve known I’d never do that,” I lament.
“Maybe she should’ve but I’m sure there are a few things you should’ve done as well. Like tell her how you felt.”
A hard scowl forms on my face. “I didn’t tell her because she was too good for me.”
“Maybe, but given the circumstances, I see why she thought the way she did,” he rationalizes. “Do you know why you never received her text?”
“No,” I growl, “but I have a good fucking idea.”
“Oh, so do I. Just wondered if your brain caught up yet.”
“Fuck you,” I say with a grin.
“What are you going to do about all of it now that you know?” he asks me as he shovels eggs into his mouth.
“I’m going to talk to Josie,” I vow. “I’ve just got to calm down first.”
Josephine
“Maddox, no. Not that shirt. That one is for Ryder,” I yell with a huff. I fully understand, now, why Cami has an assistant. It should not be this hard to dress four grown men. This is like dressing four toddlers.
“Why don’t these pants fit?” Dane grumbles.
“Because those are Ryder’s too,” I groan. I turn to look at Ryder who is completely dressed. He’s just not wearing anything that belongs to him. Angel is the only one wearing the proper clothes. I throw my hands in the air in surrender.
I am tired. I am cranky. I have been sleeping on the sofa on the bus for a couple of nights now. It’s not at all comfortable but I still haven’t had a chance to change my sheets. I know better than to let anyone know. As comfortable as the band’s nice, big bed was, I do not want to spend the night on their bus again. It was awkward in so many ways. Fortunately, tonight, we get a hotel room.
“These are not my shoes,” Angel gripes, making me retract my previous thought.
“That’s it,” I yell. “I quit. It should not be this hard getting you dressed. I’m done. Just done. You guys figure it out.”
I stomp out of the room in a huff. I turn the corner then lean against the gray concrete wall. I clos
e my eyes. Inhale for ten. Exhale for ten. An attempt at collecting my thoughts someone once told me would work.
“Rough night?”
I smile at the smooth, deep voice. “Rough two nights,” I elaborate.
“All you have to do is say the word and you can take my bunk,” Chase tells me leaning a shoulder against the wall.
“Then you’d be the one with the sore neck,” I tell him with a smile. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“We could always share,” he grins with a suggestive waggle of his brows.
I give a snort of a laugh then cover my mouth quickly. “I don’t think that would be such a great idea. Besides not much difference in your bunk and mine. Sheets still need changing.”
He starts laughing too. “I’ll buy you some sheets,” he tells me wrapping a lock of my hair around his finger and moving just a bit closer. “Anything to keep you from not sleeping on that hard ass sofa.”
“Josie, we ne -,” I hear Angel call but drops mid-sentence when he rounds the corner. His eyes zeros in on my hair wrapped around Chase’s finger and his closeness to me. Then they turn to Chase himself looking like a storm brewing on the Pacific.
Chase leans in, kissing me on the cheek. “Better go before he removes my balls,” he whispers in my ear.
I give him a confused look as he walks away. I turn my attention to Angel. “What were you trying to say?”
“Why is Chase getting all cozy with you?” he charges. “He the one that gave you those puffy lips the other night?”
“That is none of your business,” I scowl.
His jaw muscles tick. “We need your help,” he snaps back.
“I quit. Remember?” I gibe with my arms crossed.
“Goddammit, Josie,” he growls.
I am not in the mood for his broody, snarky attitude. An attitude he has no right to have with me. “Don’t you ‘Goddammit Josie’ me,” I rant. “I’m tired and irritable and my entire freaking body hurts from sleeping on what someone thought to call a sofa and -.”
“Why are you sleeping on a sofa?” he cuts me off with narrowed eyes. I mentally kick myself for my slip. He moves closer to me, making me crane my neck to look at him.
