by Nola Marie
When she begins to trek her way back down, I grip her arm, probably a bit too hard, shoving her away from me. She teeters on her high heels before Maddox catches her, throwing me a concerned look.
“What the hell?” Her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard. She is a Beverly Hills princess if I ever saw one. And I’ve seen plenty. I am all too familiar with her kind of girl.
“You shouldn’t touch without permission,” Cami snarks. “Don’t you know that applies to guys just as much as girls?”
“Aren’t you the hired help?” the girl retorts sarcastically.
Cami’s eyes blaze in fury. “I’ll show you fucking hired help, bitch.”
Dane reaches out to grab Cami by the waist just before she reaches the girl. “Now, as much as I love a good cat fight, this isn’t the time or place, Honey.”
Maddox leads the girl by the arm to the door, “It’s time for you to go.”
“Are you serious?” she screeches.
“You too, Love,” Ryder tells the one perched in his lap.
“But I didn’t do anything,” she gasps in surprise.
“Party’s over,” he shrugs.
When they are both out the door, Maddox turns to me, looking worried even through his glassy eyes. “Man, I know you’re having a hard time right now, but that could’ve been bad.”
“Probably still could,” I tell him ambivalently.
“Shit, Angel, just hang on a few more days and we’ll be back in New York,” Dane tells me sympathetically.
“What do you think I’m trying to do?” I spit. “I am trying. Trying for you guys, but I didn’t just get Josie back in my life to lose her all over again. Over Erica’s bullshit again.”
The door to the dressing room crashes open with a banging thud against the wall. Danny walks into the room looking furious, and I can’t stop the smile twitching on my lips. It looks like he’s finally going to make his move. “I will make sure that girl never works more than waiting tables again.”
“What are you talking about?” Ryder questions like he is completely oblivious.
“That damn wardrobe assistant.” He stomps through the room glaring at each of us. “She has fucked with Angel’s head. Those girls will probably head to the next tabloid about him assaulting her.”
Ripples of rage filter through my body. I physically shudder from force of it. My muscles coil with the need to hit something – or more specifically someone.
I move to go to where he stands, but Maddox puts himself between us. He gives me a subtle shake of his head, asking me to wait.
“What does Josie have to do with anything?” Maddox pretends to be completely confused to what Danny is referring.
We’ve all been pretending. Pretending since we realized he was the one to give Josie the contract. Pretending since Maddox overheard the conversation between him and that scumbag, Robert. Pretending we know nothing of the contract itself.
My dad called after we left his get together to tell me of a conversation he overheard. Apparently, Robert was the reason for Erica’s presence. Dad then promptly had them removed from the premises.
“She has everything to do with the shit show he’s been for days now. She signed a contract to stay away from all of you and she violated that contract.”
And there it is. The opening we’ve been waiting on. The move we wanted him to make.
“Who asked you to do that?” Ryder rises from his chair to stand next to Maddox as they work to form a wall between Danny and me. I’m sure it’s because they can feel the anger inside me boiling over. Hell, I am literally shaking, I’m so pissed.
“I’m your manager. It’s my job to look after the band. I don’t need you to ask me to do anything. I see something needs to be preempted and I do what I need to do.” His face is arrogant and haughty. He truly believes he can just do as he pleases, and we should be grateful. “I didn’t need some one-night stand, woman scorned shit messing with the dynamic of the band. I thought the contract would keep her away from you. Clearly her vendetta was more important.”
I can’t stand listening to his vile, acidic berating of the woman I love anymore. I move until I get through Ryder and Maddox. I’m standing right in front of the ruddy faced asshole. “Maybe you should’ve consulted with me first. Maybe you should’ve asked what the deal was because she sure as fuck wasn’t a one-night stand. Maybe you would’ve found out that she is the woman I’ve loved my entire damn life.”
He scoffs his disbelief as his lips curl into condescension. “Then where is she, Angel because she’s not here. You’re a mess and she’s God knows where. What would you call all of this?”
I walk toward the man, backing him up until his knees hit the sofa in the middle of the room. “I’d call it the perfect execution. Thanks to your new buddy, Robert Stevens.”
He pales. Then pales some more. Not sure I’ve ever seen anyone turn so pale. Sweat pops on his brow as his eyes jump between the four of us. His expression says it all.
Busted.
He stutters and stammers his way through flimsy explanations and half-hearted apologies. Looking after the band is said a dozen times as he squirms.
“She was bad news Angel. Her family issues would bring the wrong kind of attention to the band. You are on your way to the top. You don’t need that kind of complication.” It’s his last defense before I am done.
Done!
“You’re fired,” I tell him in a low, threatening voice as I struggle to keep my hands off him.
“You can’t fire me.” Shock and outrage line his features. “We have a contract.”
“That you violated when you accepted money from that douche to keep Josie away from me.” I open and close my fists, itching to plant them both in his face.
“Maybe it was unethical but -.” He tries to argue but doesn’t know that statement is exactly why he violated his own contract.
Dane cuts him off. “That’s all we needed to void it. Your little stunt hurt Angel and it hurt Josie. Josie, who we all care about.”
“I’ll sue,” he threatens as veins in his forehead pop. “I’ll go to the media.”
“You won’t win,” I promise. “You won’t go to the papers either because then we will sue. In fact, I bet you won’t work again. Except waiting tables.”
He pales again as I throw his words back at him. He finally stops arguing. Without another word, he walks across the room and out the door.
Ryder turns to Liam with a grin. “Looks like you just got promoted, Mate.”
Liam shakes his head with a laugh. “This is going to be a blast.”
Everyone laughs and agrees with his sarcastic snark. Everyone but me. Nothing will be a blast until I get Josie back.
Josephine
Warm water from the shower runs over my freezing cold body. I am chilled to the bone and, of course, the heat in my apartment still doesn’t work. The only warm places are the bathroom where a tiny space heater runs and under the heated blankets on my bed.
The truth is, no matter what I do, I can’t get warm. It has nothing to do with the freezing temperatures outside or the lack of heat inside. It is because my heart has refused to beat for ten days. Two hundred forty hours have passed since I boarded that plane.
Camilla hasn’t told anyone at our office that I’ve left the tour, so I am still employed. Technically, this could be considered a vacation. I haven’t spent much time in the apartment relaxing though. No point when you must stay in bed or freeze to death.
I’ve been spending most of my time searching for a new apartment. The Feds released the freeze on my accounts. It was a pleasant surprise when the airline charged my card without any issues. I was worried I’d have to call Eden, and she was the last person I wanted to talk to right then. Or even right now. I already know what she will say.
Apartment hunting should’ve been a great distraction. It wasn’t. It made me think about Angel. I wanted to do this with him one day. All I have been able to do is envision what
we would’ve chosen together.
My only requirement has been working heat. That’s not a high standard by any stretch of the imagination and hunting has become exhausting, so today, I put a deposit on a modest one bedroom in Manhattan. Besides, as soon as Cami tells the office I’ve left the tour, I’ll be job hunting again and the budget may possibly get stretched thinner than it already is. I just hope job hunting provides a better distraction. I know it won’t though.
It doesn’t help that he is relentlessly calling and texting. I could block him but I’m a damn masochist. I read every text and listen to every voicemail as I lie awake in bed each night.
I lean against the shower wall and let the tears fall like I do every evening. I can’t help it. I miss him. It’s a feeling I’m familiar with but after the things he said and the way he touched me makes this so much worse than before. The pain before was excruciating, but now? It’s soul crushing. I feel like every ounce of air has been stolen from my body.
My knees shake as I sob loudly beneath the hot spray. The shattered pieces of my heart fracture a little more with each heaving sob that wracks my body.
I finally will the tears to stop when the scalding water cools to warm, indicating I’m nearly out of hot water. I turn the creaking knobs to shut off the flow, grab my towel to dry myself and my hair before wrapping it around me.
The sound of my door being forced open sends a shudder of fear down my spine. I stand there for a split second before I gain control of my faculties – or maybe they just leave altogether – and grab the wooden baseball bat I keep within reach everywhere I go in this tiny apartment.
With it firmly in my grasp, I quietly exit my tiny bathroom. Near the front door a shadowy figure looms. Without warning, I swing the bat with all the force I have along with a piercing scream. “Get out you son of a bitch.”
The figure ducks and I connect with the wall.
There goes my deposit.
“Goddammit, Josie,” that beautiful, awful voice calls out.
My insides squeeze and ignite. My entire body heats with recognition despite the frigid temperatures. Then the heat of desire and lust turn into the searing pain of rage and betrayal. I swing the bat again, missing, once again because the asshole deftly dodges the incoming attack.
Then quickly, too quickly for me to anticipate, he grabs the bat away from me, tossing it to the other side of the room. I don’t care. I’m not ready to let go of the violence that grips my soul. I walk to him, pushing hard against his chest. “Why are you here?” I scream.
“I needed to talk to you, Baby,” he pleads as I push him again.
“Get out.” It’s a shrieking demand filled with hurt and anguish. “Leave.” Even as my heart begs for him to stay.
“No, Josie,” he says, his raspy voice cracking with emotion.
“I said leave. Go. I don’t want you here. I hate you.”
Different sides of the same coin.
“No, Josie. I need you to hear me out,” he pleads some more.
“I believed you once.” My voice cracks as tears begin to fall.
“Josie, I swear what you think you saw is all wrong. I did not kiss Erica.”
He stands here, in my apartment, to tell me that he didn’t do something I clearly witnessed? To basically accuse me of imagining it? Is he serious?
Without thought, my open palm lands across his face. It feels good. So good that I go to do it again.
This time he catches my wrist. Even in the dark space I can see his eyes flash with irritation. “I didn’t fucking kiss her, Josie. You, of all people, should know that.”
“I. Don’t. Believe. You.” I grit it out through clenched teeth. “Why would I believe that when you’ve put your dick in her repeatedly.”
It’s a low blow. I know it is.
Hurt I refuse to acknowledge alters his too, too pretty features. “Because I have never lied to you, Josie. I wouldn’t start now.”
Part of me knows he is telling the truth. The shattered pieces on the floor refuse to even consider his innocence. “Sure, you would. You want to have your cake and eat it too,” I throw out with a dark, almost maniacal laugh even as I know I’m just lashing out. “Besides, I know what I saw.”
“Do you, Josie? Because I don’t think you stayed long enough to see what really happened. I think you saw her kiss me, which was a setup by your ex-finance, by the way, but didn’t stay long enough to see that I pushed her off me.”
“Yes, I did,” I argue even as my mind rewinds to that afternoon. He did kiss her. Didn’t he?
“No, you didn’t. If you’d watched a second longer, you would’ve seen that I never kissed her back. I pushed her away, Josie.”
Again, I search my mind. He had to have kissed her. Right?
I couldn’t be wrong. Could I?
He must see my internal debate because he pulls me to him. He reaches for my hand and places it over his heart. “This, Josie, is yours. When you left, you took it with you.” He lowers his mouth to mine. His soft lips press with gentleness and pleading but only for a moment. He rests his forehead against mine. His pale silvery eyes look deeply into mine. Searching. Seeking. Diving deep into the crevices of my soul and sifting through the pieces of my heart left lying on the floor.
A shiver rips through me. Pure, unbridled emotion that I am working so hard to keep hidden desperate to push its way to the surface.
Angel runs his arms up and down my bare arms, mistaking the reason behind the shiver. “Fuck, why is it so cold in here?”
“No heat,” I shrug, glad for the distraction and deflection as my mind struggles with what he’s saying. What I know I saw versus what I think I saw. My reaction to everything.
“Shit, Baby. You’re going to freeze to death.”
My eyes focus on him. The worry and concern, evident. The love and devotion, radiating.
It’s almost too much. Because, once again, I didn’t give him a chance to explain. I didn’t give him the benefit of a doubt.
I want to bask and savor his love. Let his adoration wash over me. Bathe in the warmth like the sun shining down on a cold afternoon. I want it to melt this frigid wall of ice I’ve let surround me.
Except, I can’t. How can I? All it took was a split second for me to doubt him all over again. What happens when he’s on tour without me? When the paparazzi photograph him with a groupie hanging on him?
All it took was a second. A moment in time. Erica’s lips on his.
Every single insecurity I’ve ever felt came flooding to the surface. The person I’ve tried so hard to get away from was staring back in my reflection.
I am more jaded than I realized.
Would it be fair to him? Can I put him through that? Can I make him worry every time something happens and my insecurities flare? Would he feel the need to stay close to me instead of chasing his dream?
A tear falls down my cheek as I reach to cup his beautiful, beautiful face. I know the answer. I won’t make him suffer through my insecurities. I won’t make him pay the price of my doubts. I won’t jeopardize his career – the dream he’s had for so long.
But for tonight, I’m going to be selfish. Tonight, I will be his. Mind, body, and soul. I will let him have me in every single way possible.
Tomorrow I will be gone. I sent my things to the new apartment earlier today. All I had was my clothes. There will be nothing left for me to return to get. No reason to come back.
And Angel can go live his life. Find that star he’s been looking for. Show everyone the man I see.
Angel
I lay in my bunk, strumming out the notes to a melody that has been filtering through my mind for the last two months. Two months since I woke up in that ice cold apartment alone.
Words play in my head. Words for her. Words that I need her to hear.
I knew in the way we made love. I could feel it in the desperation of her kiss. Could sense it down in my soul. It felt like she was trying to bury herself inside of me. Trying to l
eave her spirit with me because she was leaving. I knew it. I knew when I awoke, she wouldn’t be there no matter how tightly I tried to hold on.
I knew.
She was saying goodbye.
I wanted to beg and plead with everything in me. On my hands and knees asking her to please not do this. I wanted to tie her to me so she couldn’t ever leave.
I didn’t. Instead, I gave myself to her, branding every inch of her spirit with a promise. A promise that it wasn’t over. That we weren’t over. A promise that it would never be until I found her again.
I took what she gave me and poured myself into her. I let her feel every ounce of love I have for her. She already had my heart but made sure she left with my soul as well. I stole hers too. Or maybe it was freely given. I don’t know.
It was a guarantee signed in blood and spirit that she was mine and I was hers. That forever shit you only see in the movies? That would be us. She was my start and would be my finish.
But I knew I had to finish the tour and I knew she needed time. She had to work through her doubts. She had to wade through the crap she let fill her mind. She’d missed me just as I’d missed her for years. We both knew how to do that, but now we’d both experienced what it is like to have each other, if only for the briefest of time. It is not something I am giving up on, and I know in my soul, she can’t walk away forever. Not from this.
The note she left for me spoke of letting me go. Not wanting to hold me back with her insecurities and doubts. It was bullshit. She couldn’t hold me back if she tried. Not when she was my sole reason for moving forward.
But it was her truth. I couldn’t discredit her feelings.
Never in the several paragraphs did she say she didn’t love me. It was a lie she couldn’t tell. A lie I wouldn’t believe.
“Hey man,” Maddox taps on my bunk, “we’re going out. You coming?”
“Nah. I’m good,” I tell him without looking up.
I can feel his worry. He wants to say something, but he won’t. He taps the side again and walks away.
When everyone is gone, I pull out my phone and hit the record button. I let my fingers strum out the melody, my fingers gliding over the frets as if I’ve been playing the song for years. Been working it out with the guys the last couple of weeks. Tweaking it to perfection. Nearly five minutes of every emotion I’m feeling poured out. Years of so much that there aren’t words to explain the feelings.
