"You won't return any of my phone calls." Ian continued. "Come on, man. Clearly you’ve moved on."
At this, Nate spun around to face him. "You went with me to pick out a ring. You knew how much I loved her."
Becka's mouth dropped open. So it turned out the ex was more than just a girlfriend. Ian at least had the wherewithal to look pained when Nate said that.
"I'm so sorry."
"Never speak to me again."
On the drive to her house, Becka asked if Nate was okay. Nate didn’t say anything, but he reached out and took her hand. There was so much Becka wanted to ask, but she knew better. Becka could not imagine what might have happened if she had not called Nate. He seemed furious that she had been near Ian. She could not think of how he would have felt about her if something had happened with Ian.
When they got to Becka's house, Nate didn’t move from his seat.
"Please come in, Nate."
"I not sure if that is a good idea."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"It's just—"
Becka unbuckled her belt and crawled into his lap, the steering wheel pushing uncomfortably against her back. Nate's hands instinctively rose to her hips. Becka placed her hands on either side of his face and looked into his eyes. She leaned in to kiss him sweetly on each cheek and then his lips.
"Can't you tell how I feel about you?"
"Becka…"
"It's like you're punishing me for someone else's actions. Will I ever be good enough?" Her voice broke as she said it.
Nate kissed her hungrily, his hands twisting in her hair. Becka moaned and rocked against him.
Nate broke their kiss. "I'm just not ready."
Becka took a deep breath and slid back into her seat. Nate reached for her, but she held her hand up to stop him.
"What exactly do you think we are doing here, Nate? Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? To actually admit that I like someone? You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either? I can't do this any longer. I just, I can't."
Becka got out of his car, and he didn’t follow her. She waited just inside the door for a minute to see if he would come. When Becka saw his car pull away, she sank down to the floor and sobbed. After some time, she went to her room to change. Becka felt as though she was moving on autopilot. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and pulled her hair up into a low bun. She stood there for a moment, staring at her reflection. Who was that girl with the red-rimmed eyes?
Nate texted her that he was sorry. Even though she had been so sure she was cried out, his message brought tears anew to her eyes. Why couldn’t he just admit he cared about her? Or was Becka deluding herself? No, not after all this time, Becka could not believe that. What was she supposed to do, though? Sit around and wait for him to figure it out? They had already been at this in some fashion for almost a year.
Becka texted him back, telling him that she just could not do this anymore and to only contact her again if he changed his mind. Becka cried as she hit send. Becka knew Nate may not ever change and, as much as she wanted to be with him, she could not let him string her along forever. Finally, Becka fell asleep.
The next morning, Becka checked her phone, relieved to see a text from Crystal letting her know she had gotten home safely. Becka called her, hoping it wasn’t too early.
"Sup."
"Hey, girl. I am so sorry I bailed on you last night."
"I know. What’s up with that?"
"I suck as a friend. Part of me wishes I'd never have even called Nate." Becka almost started crying again.
"Uh oh. That doesn’t sound good. What happened?"
"So we left because of that Ian guy. See, the reason Nate has been so weird about dating was because his last girlfriend cheated on him, get this, with that Ian guy."
"No fucking way."
"I know. Crazy, huh? So anyways, Nate got all tense and was like ‘how do you know him?’ and I'm like ‘oh my God, I just met him.’ Then Ian followed us out and tried to apologize, but Nate wasn’t interested because, you'll never believe it, he either proposed to his ex or was going to because he said something about that Ian guy going with him to pick out a ring. Holy shit, right? So then we get to my house, and he says that he doesn’t think it's a good idea if he came inside. Can you believe that? I can't do this. I can't let him string me along forever. And the worst part is I know he cares about me. I know it, but I just…I'm just so over this."
"Wow."
"Sorry for laying all of this on you, I feel like such a fucking dumbass when it comes to him. I texted him and told him not to call or text me anymore unless he, you know, decides that he wants to be with me. Was that stupid? I gotta be honest. I'm kinda freaking out about it right now. What if he never comes around, and I never see him again? Did I do the right thing?"
"Oh, sweetie. I don’t know. You have to do what's right for you. If Nate can't admit how amazing you are, then you deserve better. It just sucks in the mean time because you have to deal with the fact that Nate might never come around. To be honest, this is the second time I've seen him, and the way he looks at you I can't believe he wouldn’t want to be with you."
"Really? You think? I hope so. It just scares me that I have no idea what he'll do."
"I can understand that."
"So what happened after we left? Did that Ian guy say anything?"
"I ended up going to hang out by the bar, I really was not feeling that Henry guy and that Ian guy didn’t talk to me after you left. I did see him talk to that Henry guy. I wonder if he was talking about Nate. How random. I did have something cool happen, though. The guitarist of that band came over and talked to me. His name is Mitch, and I gave him my number. I hope he calls, but whatever, it made my night just having him come over and talk to me. Oh my God. It was hilarious. There was this red-headed chick who was trying to get his attention. I kinda think she wanted to kick my ass. Haha! I left not long after that."
"Crystal! That is so awesome! Oh my gosh, I totally noticed him checking you out while they were playing."
"Really?"
"Yeah, at least three times."
Becka had to hold the phone away from her ear as Crystal squealed. At least one of them had a good night, she thought to herself. Hanging up, Becka sat on her bed and went back to feeling sorry for herself, wondering if she had made a mistake.
There was one sure-fire thing to get her mind off of Nate. She was going home for Christmas. Becka had saved up her vacation time, and her parents bought her plane ticket. Becka lay back on her bed, making a mental checklist of things she needed for her trip and presents she still needed to buy. On Monday, Becka would be starting a countdown calendar at work.
Christmas was on a Tuesday this year. Becka was flying out on the Saturday before and flying back the Sunday after, the day before New Year's. Just thinking of that day made Becka feel all weepy again. She could hardly believe that in a few short weeks it would be the one-year anniversary of the first time Nate kissed her. Maybe if she had known then what she knew now things would be different.
Becka had to accept the fact that whatever happened from this point forward was out of her control. Becka had taken her stance, and she had to live with it. Becka walked out to the kitchen and made herself a cup of cocoa. Her stomach was a wreck, so she skipped breakfast. Becka made the decision to try not to wallow. She was a big girl, and no matter what, it would be okay.
When she finished her cocoa, she gathered her laundry and started a load. While that was going, she pulled everything off of the shelves in her bathroom and cleaned the counter top and shower walls. Before taking a shower, she moved the first load from the washer to the dryer and started another load. Becka felt almost robotic in her actions but happy that she was accomplishing something.
Becka made herself a bagel after getting dressed. While she ate it, she wiped down the kitchen counter, throwing away some expired things from their fridge. When her bagel was done, she
rinsed her dish and loaded up the dishwasher with some dishes that had just been sitting out, switching the dishwasher on before going to collect her first load of laundry. Becka kept like this all day, one chore after another, until she ran out of things to clean.
Dave had woken up around the time she had started cleaning the inside of the fridge. He sat down on the sofa with a soda and watched her, curious at what had gotten into her.
Finally, he spoke up. "Are we expecting company?"
"Nope, just cleaning."
"Everything okay, Becks?"
"Nope but what's new?"
"Okay. feel like talking about it?"
"Not especially."
"Did I do something?"
"Nope."
"Well if you want to talk, let me know."
"Thanks."
Dave looked at her like he wanted to say more but didn’t. Becka was grateful for that. If she talked about Nate, she would probably cry again. She didn’t want to cry so she cleaned instead. Dave had to work that night. Once he left, Becka finally stopped cleaning and sat down. For the past hour, she had been organizing her closet and setting aside things she did not wear anymore to donate.
She had just about pulled every item she owned down, sorting it all. Everything but Nate's beer bottle. She stood there for a moment, leaning on the doorframe just looking at it on the shelf. Who gets sentimentally attached to an empty beer bottle? It made her feel weak. As much as she hated herself for keeping it, she could not seem to throw it away. It was a pathetic relic of Nate, and she still wanted him. Shaking her head, Becka went back to sorting.
Once all of her clothes were put away and the bags of clothes she was getting rid of were in her trunk, she ran a bath. As she eased herself into the hot water, Becka relaxed. She could do this. She could get over Nate. Becka did not need another guy this time to help her do it either. All she needed to do was stay busy. That shouldn’t be a problem, she figured. Given it was the end of year, she would be busy at work, and the fact that her trip was coming up, Becka would be busy outside of work getting ready for it.
Once she was back in Virginia, she would be rushing to see everyone she could so staying busy shouldn’t be a problem then either. When she got back from her trip, there'd be at least a day of laundry to get through and then New Year's. Maybe she and Dave could throw a party. That would keep her busy. She could invite Lucy and Curt and Crystal and maybe some other people from work, and Dave could invite some of his friends. Hopefully not Kyle. That would be too awkward. Becka's game plan was to avoid the opposite sex all together.
Being with Kyle and flirting with Ian had cemented only how not Nate they were. This had only made Becka think about Nate even more. The hot water of the bath felt amazing. Once all of her muscles felt like jelly, Becka made herself get out before she fell asleep in there. The good thing about cleaning nonstop that day was Becka had no trouble falling asleep.
Chapter 19
Becka dressed with care on Monday. There was always a chance she may run into Nate. There was no way she would let him see how hurt she was. Becka wore her pale yellow dress with a black and white striped cardigan and black pumps. She curled her hair and spent far too much time on her makeup. Seeing the time on her alarm clock, she raced out the door. Somehow, she managed to still get to work on time.
As her computer was starting up, Becka made herself a cup of cocoa. Some guy from another department tried to talk to her while she was in the break room. Becka nodded politely and smiled but hurried back to her desk. Becka was absolutely done with boys for the near future. That guy was lucky she didn’t hiss at him considering how annoyed she was at his gender.
The only part of her week that sucked was the thought with each notification of an email or a text that it might be Nate, only for it to not be. Becka did her best to stay busy, but it seemed like every time her thoughts weren’t completely focused on something, she would think about him. She could not help but wonder in those moments if he thought of her as well.
Becka had stopped going out with Dave and her friends. She just did not want to deal with speaking to members of the opposite sex. Dave was highly annoyed when he pointed out that he was, in fact, a member of the opposite sex, and Becka argued that he did not count. Dave warned her that if she didn’t change her attitude by the time she got back to Arizona, he was staging an intervention, starting on New Year's.
Becka then wished she had never even brought up the idea of hosting a New Year's party. Dave, Crystal and Lucy had taken to it with such excitement that she could not back out now. Worst case, she could always barricade herself in her bedroom, especially seeing as how Dave and Crystal were planning on finding her a new guy.
Crystal had been somewhat seeing that guy Mitch, who apparently had tons of hot single friends. Crystal would not, however, confirm if any of them were employed. Lucy loved the idea because she and Curt had broken up, and she was currently looking for a replacement. Becka felt like an awful friend because she hadn’t even known that had happened. It didn’t stop her from being annoyed at them all. Couldn’t they all understand that all Becka wanted was Nate?
After her cleaning spree, Becka felt hollow, as though a strong wind could knock her down. In the days immediately following her ultimatum, Becka thought about Nate constantly, often times dissolving into tears. When people spoke to her, it took her a moment to realize it, and she would look at them blankly, wondering why they bothered. Some days, Becka tortured herself by watching romantic comedies, feeling intense jealousy towards the main character when she lived happily ever after. Most days, Becka just felt unsettled. Part of her held out hope that Nate would come around while another part of her bemoaned her choice in ending things with him.
Her friends were impatient with her, trying to get her to do things that in the past would have worked. Becka's old habit would be to distract herself with a new guy. Knowing how well that worked the last time, Becka was quitting boys cold turkey. Instead of trying to push her into going out on his nights off, Dave would stay in and watch movies or play video games with her. At work, Becka considered exploring the other departments that worked on her floor to find out where Nate's desk was. Her last shred of dignity kept her from doing that.
Only this time it was different because this time it wasn’t just some guy. It was Nate. By the time Becka ran out of things to clean, she felt tense all over again. On one of Dave's nights off, he challenged Becka to a game of Battle Shots. It was similar to Battleship but involved shots of whatever they had in the house versus plastic ships. Dave had an uncanny ability when it came to locating Becka's shots. Becka enjoyed having a few drinks out with her friends, but she ended up drinking at least double the amount she normally had.
Becka was pretty drunk and not a happy drunk. She was angry, finally acknowledging the fury Nate's actions built in her. This emotion was more liberating then her previous devastation at the thought of why doesn’t he like me? This new emotion was more of a how dare he not like me? Had Becka not deleted Nate's contact information from her phone, he would have received a slew of angry text messages from her. Dave egged her on, getting her to yell at him as though he were Nate until her voice was sore.
Before she went to bed, Dave prepped her room for potential overnight sickness. Becka came very close to needing the waste basket multiple times that evening. The next morning, Becka felt as though she had been licking sandpaper most of the night. Her tongue felt too big for her mouth and her stomach queasy at best. Walking caused jointed pounding in her head. Becka somehow made it to her bathroom to drink some water and take some Advil before laying back down. When she woke the next time, her stomach was feeling less queasy and more angry. Hobbling to the bathroom, Becka swore to herself she would never drink that much again.
After spending most of the day in various stages of distress, Becka felt exhausted, albeit human, in the early evening. Dave, the victor of Battle Shots, was no worse for wear and getting ready for work. All Becka wanted to
do was nibble on some crackers and then take a bath. After her bath, Becka pulled down her suitcases from a high shelf in her closet. Becka's eyes fell on Nate's beer bottle. She shook her head at the attachment she had formed to something so silly.
Willing herself to let him go, she pulled the bottle down from the shelf and went to throw it in the recycling bin in the garage. Becka may have cradled it close to her heart as she slowly made her way to the bin. She may have also hesitated, bottle dangling from her fingertips, before she released it. Not trusting herself to not go back and retrieve it, Becka gave the bin a good shake, causing the contents to loudly shuffle, and her prized keepsake became unrecognizable in the sea of identical bottles. Becka would have liked to have experienced a feeling of weight lifting off of her shoulders or a liberation of her heart. Instead, she wanted to cry all over again. The difference this time was that she didn’t.
Walking back in the house, Becka pulled down her luggage and began to pack for her trip. The weather in Virginia would be significantly colder than in Phoenix. There probably wouldn’t be any snow. It normally only snowed in January or February. In either case, her Phoenix weather winter coat was laughable compared to what would work back home. Becka packed light layers and hoped that if the weather was really bad her mother might have a coat that wouldn’t embarrass her to wear.
Becka spent much of her time reflecting on the choices that she had made to get to where she was. Professionally, she was happier than she had ever been. She had thought she loved her mindless filing job but knew now, even when it was busy or she felt overwhelmed, that her new job was fulfilling something in her that she had not known was missing. Instead of talking to Lilly about boys, she would tell her something new that she had learned that day. Personally, Becka still had a long way to go. She wanted to not need a guy to be happy, and she still felt this gnawing guilt in what had happened with Kyle.
She called Kyle and asked if he would meet her for drink. She didn’t even know if he would respond, but he did and agreed. They met at the coffee house she had fled to that one night. It was strange seeing him again. She just felt like she had to make amends somehow. Kyle was aloof and quiet, but he eventually just told her that, while what she did sucked and hurt him, he was doing his best to move on and forgave her. Whether he was just saying it to be nice or not, it felt like a weight lifted off of Becka's conscience. They even shared an awkward hug when he left.
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