“I’d like to apologize to the lady I just called by mistake saying ‘Hello, is this planet Earth?’ ”
THE TOILET BOT
Ariel and Hila Ben-Amram are parents of four children, so they really hate the one chore everybody hates—cleaning toilets. That distaste for toilet brushes, and the inspiration of autonomous floor-cleaning Roomba vacuums, led the couple to invent SpinX, “the world’s first toilet cleaning robot.” It consists of a self-contained plastic and metal apparatus that fits on a toilet between the lid and the seat. When closed down over the bowl and activated at the push of a button, the SpinX releases a robotic arm with a rapidly spinning toilet brush on the end, scrubbing faster than a human ever could and with the help of soap from specially made SpinX cleaning tablets. The device then cleans and dries the seat, too, as well as the brush itself. Cost: about $200.
What’s an eccedentesiast? A person who smiles to hide their pain.
MMM…EVERYTHING
Homer Simpson’s appetite knows no bounds. Over 30 years of The Simpsons, He’s devoured doughnuts, chips…and some very weird non-food items.
Two five-pound buckets of rancid shrimp
A sample of Lemon Time dish soap
The remains of a ten-foot hoagie he found behind the radiator
Fancy bath soaps
“America Balls” (scoops of dog food with miniature American flags in them)
Dog medicine wrapped in cheese
64 slices of American cheese (at once)
A packet of gravy he found in a parking lot
Gasoline
A “Guatemalan insanity pepper”
A puddle of blood and Vap-O-Rub he licked off the floor of the Kwik-E-Mart
The “strictly ornamental” hot dogs at the Kwik-E-Mart
19 cans of Crab Juice
A block of butter wrapped in a waffle
A pie crust full of cloves and Tom Collins mix
Lipstick
The cat’s ear medicine
A pile of “free goo” on the street
A jar of petroleum jelly
Play-Doh
The dirt under the bleachers at a football stadium
A giant jar of pickle brine
A waffle stuck on the kitchen ceiling, loosened with a broom handle
His pet lobster, Pinchy
A can of something called “Nuts n’ Gum”
A urinal cake
A turkey he found behind a bed in a motel
The plastic bride and groom from on top of a wedding cake
Raw sausage
Five pounds of spaghetti and meat sauce compressed into a handy mouth-sized brick
Vodka poured into a jar of mayonnaise
His own leprosy scabs (made out of oatmeal and poster paint)
“Gum with a cracker center”
A cup of buttermilk from 1961
A can of Billy Beer from the 1970s
A 15-year-old care package
A hot dog he dropped into a kiddie pool
A rubber mouth guard
Best argument for scuba lessons we’ve seen all day: There’s an estimated $60 billion in sunken treasure in the world’s oceans.
RUSSIA 2.0
On page 139 you learned the meaning of several Russian terms you might hear on the news. Here’s the second installment, comrade.
THE COLD WAR
What is it? The post–World War II period of tension (1945–1991) between the Western world and the Communist countries of Eastern Europe.
The story: The Cold War, so named because it wasn’t a “shooting war” like World War II, was led by the world’s two superpowers—the United States and the Soviet Union—and it dominated international affairs from the period immediately after World War II until the Soviet Union fell in 1991. The Cuban missile crisis, the Berlin Wall, the Vietnam War, and the threat of nuclear war were just a few of the points of conflict between America and Russia. The two countries competed fiercely in the “arms race” (building massive stockpiles of nuclear weapons) and the “space race” (an intense battle to be the first to land a man on the Moon).
GULAG
What is it? The agency responsible for forced-labor camps throughout Russia and the remote regions of Siberia and the far north. “Gulag” is short for Glavnoe Upravlenie Lagerei, which means “Main Administration of Camps.”
The story: First established in 1919 under Cheka, Lenin’s secret police, the Gulag served as the Soviet Union’s primary penal system. The camps held perceived enemies of the state—political prisoners, POWs, and religious dissidents along with its population of criminals. Conditions in Gulag camps, especially in Siberia and the far north, were notoriously deplorable, and the death rate from exposure, exhaustion, and starvation was high.
GLASNOST AND PERESTROIKA
What is it? The policy of “openness” and “reform” in General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev’s Soviet Union in the 1980s.
The story: In 1986 Mikhail Gorbachev wanted to modernize the USSR, so he introduced Soviet citizens to glasnost, which allowed freedom of assembly, speech, and religion, the right to strike, and multicandidate elections. His perestroika policies included taking steps toward decentralizing government control over business and establishing a semi-free market economy. While Gorbachev intended for his policies to strengthen Soviet ideology, glasnost and perestroika actually had the opposite effect. The people were impatient and tired of the long lines, strikes, and general civil unrest. Five years later, in 1991, the USSR broke apart, leaving Russia on its own and under the leadership of President Boris Yeltsin and his successor, Vladimir Putin.
It goes both ways: Cats can be allergic to humans. (But most of the time they’re actually allergic to soap, perfume, or laundry detergent.)
OLIGARCHS
What is it? Wealthy Russians who, because of their money and connections, have a great deal of political influence.
The story: Following the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the government of Russia began to sell (and give away) its assets to the Russian public. Despite having had no experience with modern capitalism, the reformers believed that by spreading the wealth of Russia to its citizens, Russia could transition into a market economy. There was concern that if they held an open sale of state-owned assets, only a few well-connected individuals would end up with the lion’s share. So the reformers created vouchers that could be exchanged for shares in the enterprises slated for privatization. This would allow the citizens of Russia to share in the wealth of Russia.
Unfortunately, most people did not understand the voucher-to-share program or were so poor that they sold their vouchers for immediate money. As a result, the exact opposite occurred: the Russian mafia, the nomenklatura (influential posts in government and industry), and other well-connected individuals managed to gain control of the vouchers and ownership of shares in the largest and most strategic business sectors of Russia. It was from this that the Russian oligarchs emerged.
GAZPROM
What is it? A gas company founded in 1989, owned by Russian oligarchs and the government. “Gazprom” is the combination of the first syllables of gazovaya promyshlennost, the Russian words for “gas industry.”
The story: During the privatization of the former Soviet Union’s assets, Gazprom emerged from the Ministry of Gas as a hybrid company—it makes a profit, but also advances Russia’s national interests. At its peak, Gazprom was the largest natural gas company in the world, with production fields in the Arctic and western Siberia.
FSB
What is it? The FSB is Russia’s new police force/spy agency and is primarily responsible for domestic civilian intelligence, border security, antiterrorism, and surveillance. Federal’naya sluzhba bezopasnosti Rossiyskoy Federatsii (FSB) means “Federal Security Service.”
The story: Following the dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991, the KGB was dismantled and reconstituted into several successor agencies: the Foreign Intelligence Service, the Federal Agency of Government Com
munications and Information, then the Ministry of Security, then the Federal Counter-Intelligence Service (FSK). In 1995 President Boris Yeltsin reorganized the FSK into the FSB and gave it the power to enter private homes and conduct intelligence services abroad. The FSB is often thought of as the equivalent of the FBI, but it is really more like a combination of the FBI and CIA. Under the direction of President Putin, the FSB is more powerful than ever, adding assassination and cyber warfare to its spy portfolio.
Company founder who appeared in the most TV commercials: Dave Thomas, founder of the Wendy’s hamburger chain. (He made more than 800 appearances.)
PUTIN
Who is he? The strongman president of the Russian Federation, elected in 2000, 2004, 2012, and 2018. Self-described as a “man’s man,” publicity shots of a shirtless Putin riding on horseback and fishing and hunting pitch this ex-KGB spymaster as the “Macho President.”
The story: In 1999 President Boris Yeltsin named Putin, then director of the Russian spy agency FSB, to the office of prime minister of Russia. By the end of the year, Yeltsin had resigned and Putin completed Yeltsin’s term. Putin was elected president in 2000 and reelected in 2004. Prevented from running for a third term because of constitutional term limits, Putin got his protégé Dmitry Medvedev elected president and got himself appointed prime minister, assuring his continued control of Russian politics. When Medvedev “retired” four years into his six-year term, Putin adroitly used Russian laws of succession to return to the presidency. Russians likened the maneuver to rokirovka, or castling in chess—a move in which the rook trades places with the king to save the king. Putin was reelected in 2012…and again in 2018.
FANCY BEAR
What is it? A Russian cyber espionage group that has been operating since the mid-2000s. Also known as Advanced Persistent Threat 28, Pawn Storm, Sofacy Group, Sednit, Tsar Team, and STRONTIUM.
The story: American cyber security firms CrowdStrike, SecureWorks, and ThreatConnect have reported that the Russian hackers known as Fancy Bear all work under the Russian military agency GRU and represent a constant threat to the rest of the world. Fancy Bear is said to be responsible for cyber attacks on the White House, NATO, the 2018 Olympics, and on elections in Germany, France, and the United States. The New York Times reported in 2016 that Russia’s cyber power has proved to be “the perfect weapon: cheap, hard to see coming, hard to trace.”
Directions on a bottle of One-A-Day vitamins: “Take two capsules daily.”
When sunlight hits the Eiffel Tower, the metal heats up and expands, causing the tower to grow as much as 6 inches…
DON’T CALL IT THAT
“Kleenex” is probably the most famous example of a “genericized trademark”—a product so popular that people use the brand name to identify it. Here are some other brand names that have gone generic…and what, technically speaking, you should be calling them.
Epi-Pen. This preloaded syringe, trademarked by Mylan, is a life-saving device that people with severe allergies can carry with them to take in case they are accidentally exposed to a dangerous allergen. The “Epi” is short for the active ingredient, epinephrine, a hormone and neurotransmitter that occurs naturally in the body—where it’s also known as adrenaline.
Aqualung. The very first commercially available piece of scuba gear was an underwater breathing apparatus patented in the 1940s by engineer Emile Gagnan and French naval officer (and future documentary filmmaker) Jacques Cousteau. The duo formed a company called La Spirotechnique to market the “Aqua-Lung,” which is now often called an aqualung, but is also known by its technical name: a “demand valve” or “diving regulator.” (The Jethro Tull song “Aqualung” remains unchanged.)
Freon. The chemical associated with making refrigerators and air conditioners work is the registered commercial property of Chemours, a chemical manufacturer that was spun off from DuPont in 2015. It’s a refrigerant properly known as a chlorofluorocarbon or dichlorodifluromethane.
Dremel. Albert Dremel founded the Dremel Tool Company in Wisconsin in 1932, and it’s now a division of the Bosch Tool Corporation. Dremel found a niche as a manufacturer of a versatile handheld motorized tool that, with a variety of attachments, could drill, grind, polish, carve, engrave, and more. Today it’s commonly referred to as a dremel, but the generic term is “rotary tool.”
Realtor. The terms “real estate agent” and “realtor” are often used interchangeably to describe a person who sells houses or property for a living, but there’s a big difference. Not every real estate agent is a Realtor (note the capital “R”), but every Realtor is a real estate agent. “Realtor” is a trademarked word that can only be applied to members of the National Association of Realtors. When an agent calls themselves a Realtor, it’s supposed to be a guarantee that they’re among the best of the best in their profession.
Zeppelin. A popular form of mass travel until the Hindenburg explosion in 1937 (“Oh, the humanity!”), zeppelins aren’t seen too much anymore, with the exception of the Goodyear Blimp hovering over nationally televised sporting events (and Led Zeppelin on classic rock radio stations). The airborne vehicle gets its name from its inventor, Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin, who patented his designs in Germany in 1895. Only Zeppelin-designed airships are zeppelins. The rest are simply “airships.”
…taller. (The side facing the sun expands the most, making the tip of the tower move 7 inches away from the sun.)
Crock-Pot. “Slow cookers”—portable electric pots that cook food…slowly—have been around for a long time. One of the first was called the Naxon Beanery All-Purpose Cooker, sold in the 1950s by a company called Naxon Utilities. Naxon was bought out by appliance giant Rival in 1970, which rebranded the Beanery as the Crock-Pot. (A “crock” is a pot, so technically, “crock-pot” means “pot-pot.”) The Crock-Pot has been the best-selling slow cooker ever since.
Chyron. Since the mid-1960s, most of the technology that allows TV broadcasts to lay text over moving images has been developed by a New York–based company called the ChyronHego Corporation. Their techniques were so revolutionary and innovative that the words or logos superimposed on the screen came to be known in the industry as chyrons. That’s trademarked. Onscreen graphics should properly be called, well, “onscreen graphics.” People in the TV industry now call words on the screen “lower third,” because that’s where they usually show up on the screen.
GOING IN STYLE
•Looking for an unusual way to travel to the hereafter? Trekkies can rest for eternity in a casket based on the sleek black-and-red “PhotonTorpedo” from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The Federation insignia is mounted on the inside, right above where the body lies.
•KISS is one of the most merchandised bands in rock ’n’ roll history. Probably the weirdest piece of KISS merchandise: the Kiss Kasket. Every inch is covered in images of the members of KISS, along with band logos and other cool stuff like flames and lightning bolts.
•If you’re you a graduate of one of America’s 40 most popular universities, you can show that school pride forever with an officially licensed casket. Among the varieties available—in each school’s official colors, of course—are “forever boxes” representing the University of Georgia, the University of Florida, and Florida State University. (If you’d rather not put such a huge investment—one costs $4,000—into the ground, school-branded urns for cremains are also available.)
Older than you thought? The first known use of “OMG” was in a letter to Winston Churchill—in 1917.
YOU’RE A WINNER
AND A LOSER
An Academy Award is the pinnacle for any actor. All it takes is one great performance for him or her to become immortalized upon winning the iconic gold statue. Unfortunately, there’s another gold statue, the Razzie (short for “raspberry”), that immortalizes the exact opposite.
SANDRA BULLOCK: In 2009 Sandra Bullock won the Best Actress Oscar for her role as a Southern foster mother in the true story The Blind Side. But jus
t 24 hours earlier, she’d earned the less-prestigious Razzie for her performance in the flop All About Steve. This made her the first person to win both awards in the same year. Bullock was magnanimous about it, though, and made an appearance to accept her Razzie. She also accidentally walked off with the solid metal statue that’s used for photo ops instead of the cheap replica that’s given to winners.
EDDIE REDMAYNE: Thanks to a string of typical Oscar bait-type roles, Redmayne has been gently accused of chasing Academy Awards. And he got one, winning the Best Actor award in 2014 for his portrayal of a young Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. Nobody ever accused him of chasing a Razzie, though. Nevertheless, for his role as Balem Abrasax in the much-maligned sci-fi flop Jupiter Ascending, Redmayne was awarded Worst Supporting Actor.
AL PACINO: Despite being one of the most respected actors of his generation, it took Al Pacino eight nominations to finally win an Academy Award for his role as a blind, cantankerous army officer in Scent of a Woman (1992). While Pacino hasn’t earned an Oscar nomination since then, he’s racked up two Razzies for playing himself in Adam Sandler’s sibling comedy Jack and Jill (2011). Widely considered one of the worst movies of all time, it was nominated for a record 12 Razzies and won 10. Pacino claimed two of them: Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Screen Couple, which he shared with Sandler. In case you’re wondering, the plot of the movie is that Jack, an advertising exec (played by Sandler), tries to convince his twin sister (also played by Sandler) to go out on a date with Al Pacino so that Pacino will agree to appear in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.
HALLE BERRY: Berry made history when she became the first (and still the only) African American woman to win Best Actress for her work in 2001’s Monster’s Ball. But just four years later, she landed a Razzie for her performance in the superhero bomb Catwoman. Compounding the insult, she didn’t even get to claim the title of first African American woman to win Worst Actress at the Razzies; that went to Scary Spice for Spice World (all five Spice Girls actually received the award that year). However, Berry had a sense of humor about the award and even showed up to accept it…with her Oscar in one hand and the Razzie in the other.
Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader Page 50
