by Hegi, Ursula
“… good likeness,” the pharmacist was saying.
“And that other Jew,” the butcher said, “she’d kick me out of here if she could.”
“What other Jew?” Herr Weskopp asked.
“The Frau Doktor’s daughter. Acting like she belongs here.… Planting lilacs in the backyard. Airs.…But I got myself a ten-year lease. With her husband. Before he married her.”
One Friday noon, when Trudi closed the pay-library and got herself on the way to the Buttgereits’ house to find out more about some rumors concerning the fat priest, she passed the crazy nun, Sister Adelheid, raking the paths between the flower beds inside the fenced cloister garden of the Theresienheim. Trudi greeted her and walked on, trying to decide what gossip she would trade with Frau Buttgereit to obligate her to tell about the priest. According to the taxidermist’s wife, the fat priest’s housekeeper had complained about him to Frau Buttgereit.
“Wait, you,” the nun called. Her heart-shaped face was smudged.
Trudi stopped, letting her hand rest on the lower bar of the locked gate. Two huge plum trees poured their shadows across the sidewalk, leaving her and the sister in one stream of sun that fell on them like light in holy pictures.
“What is your name?” the sister asked, one foot tapping the ground.
“Trudi Montag.”
“I have seen you before. I am Sister Adelheid.”
“I know.”
“Do you also know that der liebe Gott—the dear God—has called you?” She pointed at Trudi, who tried to see if the sister really had the stigmata on her palms, but the nun’s hands were covered with soil. “Der liebe Gott wants you to be one of us. He has asked me to tell you.”
“I— I don’t think so. But thank you.”
On the clothes lines next to the building hung three rows of black habits, too wet to be stirred by the wind.
“Come. I want to show you something.”
“Where?”
“In my cell.”
Trudi had a vision of the sister kneeling in front of a wooden crate covered with white lace, raising circles of bread toward the ceiling. “I have to go,” she said, though she didn’t like leaving without at least some new information about the sister or about the convent wing that was closed to anyone except the nuns. She’d been inside the lobby and in the other wing of the Theresienheim, where the nuns took care of the ill and elderly, and where Sister Agathe had given her medicine for her cough last winter.
“When will you come back?”
Trudi hesitated. Maybe the gossip about the priest could wait. She asked what she would have never dared ask one of the other nuns. “What is it like inside the cloister?”
“Picky and petty and always the same.” The sister laughed and clapped her hands. “No, no, no—that is disrespectful.”
“But true?”
“True.”
“Is it also true that even the priests are not allowed in there?”
Sister Adelheid nodded. “No priests. No death. Sisters who get ready to die have to leave.”
“Where do they go?”
“Down the hall.”
“To the hospital?”
“The priest brings them their death.”
“You mean the last rites?”
“Yes, that. The priest can’t come into the cloister. Only one priest—” From the schoolyard next door came the sounds of playing children, and the sister lowered her voice. “Only one priest can go everywhere.”
“Who?”
Two widows pedaled their bicycles from the direction of the cemetery, black scarves tied around their hair, watering cans bobbing from the handlebars.
The sister beamed and straightened her back, adding to her substantial height. “I am a priest.”
“I see.”
“And it is my calling to tell you about your calling.”
“It’s not for me.”
“You will understand once you have seen my cell.”
“Do you still have communion wafers?”
“You’ll see. Come.”
“But I’m not a sister.”
“I give you special consent.”
“The gate is locked.”
Sister Adelheid shook the latch and frowned. “Climb across then,” she said impatiently.
“I—My legs … I’m not tall enough.”
“Then come through the lobby. Tell them—tell them you are visiting one of the old people. I am an old person. Look at my wrinkles. You are visiting me. So it becomes true. Not a sin, not a lie, no hell. You see? Go inside, then walk out through the backdoor into the garden. The others—they are always spying on me so that I—” She peered around as if suddenly aware she might be watched.
“My mother used to be locked up.”
“Did she escape?”
It was the most logical of questions. Trudi nodded. “Many times.”
“Good.” The sister smiled. “Good. You must learn from your mother.”
“Sister!” From the backdoor of the Theresienheim sailed the imposing figure of Sister Ingeborg, the supervisor of nurses. “Sister Adelheid!”
The nun who was a priest knelt down. Her palms gripped the metal rods of the gate, and as she brought her face as close to Trudi’s as possible, her breath was sweet like that of a small child. “As long as you keep escaping,” she whispered, “they never get you. Even if they think they do.”
By the time the German troops marched into Austria in March of 1938 and the Anschluss was celebrated by jubilant crowds in the streets of Vienna, Leo Montag had turned more of the pay-library over to Trudi. Confident that his daughter could deal with the customers, he’d reduced his work to his favorite part—choosing the books they would borrow.
He’d moved a stuffed armchair next to the counter, and there he’d sit, wearing one of the many vests that the women of Burgdorf knitted for him, surrounded by stacks of books, the wooden phonograph from the unknown benefactor, and his classical records. Whenever a woman customer approached him, he’d take off the reading glasses that obscured his eyes. Though he looked older than he was and his limp slowed him down, the power of his gaze had escalated. Even in church the women felt his eyes, causing a sweet, unsettling heat to rise from their loins to their necks, and they would try to regain their composure by formulating the words of chagrin they would trade to the priest in return for the bliss of absolution.
Distracted by the surge of confessions about impure thoughts that involved the proprietor of the pay-library, the fat priest had been watching Leo Montag for some time while he’d preached his Sunday sermon from the pulpit, flustered when he’d forgotten what he had been about to preach. He had started to write out his entire sermons and had waited for Leo Montag’s confession, but Leo only entered through the purple drapes of the confessional three times a year and would emerge afterwards, shaking his head, baffled by the priest’s repeated, “And are you sure, my son, there is nothing else you should ask God’s forgiveness for?”
Herr Pastor Beier wished he could ask the old pastor about Leo Montag’s confessions, but his predecessor had died in the Theresien-heim the previous year, his poor, scaly shell so dried out that it had barely added any weight to the polished coffin. Besides, no priest should ever reveal what he’d learned in the confessional, even if—so the pastor had memorized as a seminarian—the sinner had committed murder. “It is one of the greatest burdens you may have to carry as a servant of God,” the bishop had told him. Still, he would have liked to know, because Leo Montag’s successes evoked his old, long-confessed fantasies of the flesh, driving him from his ironed sheets with prayers of shame that would bring him to his knees by his bedside. Often, he’d flee his bedroom and roam the dark halls of the rectory until he’d find himself at the kitchen table, blotting temptation with raspberry pudding and sardines, pigeon stew and marble pound cake, cheese Brötchen and ripe pears, white sausages and cold venison—causing the housekeeper he had inherited from the little priest to set her lips just so w
hen, in the morning, she’d discover that the food she had prepared in advance had vanished again.
Her raincoat buttoned up, and a covered basket over one arm, Fräulein Teschner would depart for the stores and open market, stand in line—no easy feat with her varicose veins—and wait with grim satisfaction for Frau Weiler or one of the other merchants to comment, “He must be at it again.”
Although the pastor’s favorite foods were not always readily available, Fräulein Teschner knew enough parishioners who welcomed the chance to deprive themselves by giving her some delicacy for the priest—much in the way they’d add an extra rosary to their daily prayers—to balance out their sins and ensure their climb on the ladder of eternal salvation. She knew how to time her visits to their houses to coincide with entries from the pastor’s diary and rumors of recent transgressions.
On days like this, when she served his midday meal late—through no fault of her own, of course—he would taste her resentment and triumph in the rich sauces and sweet puddings, and he’d rush to compliment her, profusely, on even the taste of boiled potatoes. He’d feel ashamed for not appreciating her enough, for all the times he’d let himself hope that she’d decide to work for some other pastor, far away. To fire her was unthinkable—not after everything she’d done for him.
• • •
“Do you think Leo Montag has any idea what he is doing to those women?” Frau Blau asked Frau Abramowitz one afternoon when they saw the optician’s wife enter the pay-library with a radiant smile and half a plum cake.
Her face flushed, Frau Abramowitz shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
The old woman chuckled. “He is too good at it not to know what he’s doing.”
“They come to him because they find they can talk to him … about themselves, their husbands and children—in a way they can to no one else.”
“That too.” Frau Blau winked.
“Leo is considerate … a wonderful listener.”
“That too. Have you ever noticed how he strokes his face?”
“Oh, stop it, Flora.”
“No, really. His hands … he’s always at it, caressing his own face. That’s why he doesn’t need a woman to do that for him.”
“It’s only a habit. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“He’s a very sensuous man—our Herr Montag.”
Once, when Trudi left the pay-library with the small metal pail to buy a liter of milk, she returned and found the oldest Buttgereit daughter trying to embrace Leo.
“But I want to,” Sabine Buttgereit said, her thin arms straining to keep her hold on Leo. She wore her church dress with the pearl buttons though it was the middle of the week, and her smile was frightened, determined.
Leo held her as much as he pushed her away, his eyes gentle on her agitated face. “With Gertrud gone,” he said, “I haven’t been able to become interested in another woman.”
“I’ll let you go as soon as you kiss me. I’ve never—”
His voice reassuring, he loosened her arms and stepped out of her embrace. “If things were any different, Fräulein Buttgereit…” he said, letting her fill in the rest to suit her hopes as she smoothed her hair with both hands though not a single strand had come undone.
If things were any different… Trudi had heard her father say the same words to Frau Abramowitz years ago and to other women who came to the pay-library. The potential of this promise still quickened a yearning in all of them, drawing them far stronger than any plaster saint possibly could. His tragic attachment to his dead wife became the women’s virtue. It was safe to long for Leo Montag, to cross borders you would never cross with another man, because Leo Montag would not take you up on your offer. With him you could feel safe to reveal your daydreams, your hopes—and you’d always be left pure.
He was not at all like that friend of his, Emil Hesping, who’d never married but had left two generations of women who distrusted him. Frau Simon would have been the first to agree that men like Emil took whatever they could. With them you had to stay guarded. Your smile could be misinterpreted. A casual word. And yet, although she didn’t rely on him, Frau Simon always took him back when he returned to her, giving her new substance for the gossip she loved even more than him. Unlike Trudi, who guarded her own stories, Frau Simon could be counted on to circulate and embellish her own experiences because she enjoyed the notoriety. It amused her that people gossiped about her and Herr Hesping while refusing to acknowledge their relationship in public.
No, Leo Montag was not at all like his friend. Leo Montag would handle it with instinctive diplomacy if women quarreled over him. He might retreat to the living room behind the pay-library when two or three of his admirers were competing over him—not openly, of course, but rather in hidden and cutting comments against one another—but soon, Trudi would notice, he’d be looking for those women again, for that adoration, and the next time he’d see them, the intensity in his gaze would have increased. The longer his celibacy lasted, the stronger that passion lived in his eyes.
The women released their secrets to Leo because they longed to be understood, loved. They wanted excitement and purity all at once, something they could only get from him. When he turned his eyes onto you, you knew that—were it not for his tragic loyalty to his dead wife—you would be the most important woman in his life.
You brought your secrets to Leo but guarded them from Trudi. Yet, as soon as you thought—I hope Trudi Montag doesn’t find out—she’d lure that secret from you as though you’d given off a scent, a signal that made her approach you like a hunter, the awareness of your secret in her eyes; and what she didn’t already know or find out from you, she would guess—usually with amazing accuracy. Even what happened inside your house. Inside your soul.
You would recognize her from a distance—early evenings or during the midday break, her squat shape tilting from side to side as she propelled herself forward on those curved legs of hers. She moved with confidence and purpose, and though you’d long to find out the stories she carried, you’d often shy away from her—just in case those stories were about you. She was always curious about your life and gave you more attention than anyone you knew.
No one else looked at you with such interest, such compassion.
No one else knew how your secret burdened you.
No one but Trudi Montag understood your relief once you’d shared that weight with her.
Unlike other confessors, she would not assign prayers or punish you with disgust. She welcomed your sins, and it was tempting to tell her everything. But you had learned not to.
You had learned it from listening to the secrets she had seized from others and spread about town, like the one about the pharmacist having been adopted, something everyone talked about now, although—until recently—only one of the very old men in Burgdorf had recalled that fact. No one else of that generation had deemed it important enough to keep alive by retelling it. But Trudi Montag had brought the pharmacist’s secret back. Trudi Montag had searched through dusty records in the Rathaus, where she’d found the dates of his parents’ wedding and of his christening, yet no account of his birth.
“Not that it matters to me, but he could have come from anywhere,” she would tell you, bent on shaking the superior attitude of the pharmacist who’d been instrumental in showing films at the school, which claimed that Jews were filthy and neglectful in personal habits. Every single student had to watch the films, even the Jewish children.
“He doesn’t even know his parents,” she would tell you.
Even if you were determined not to talk to Trudi Montag at all, you couldn’t always guard your secret from her. You’d weaken: something in her generous eyes would make you want to tell her, and though you didn’t want to give in, you already sensed that it was too late, that your secret was becoming hers, and that from then on you could only watch it grow as Trudi paraded it around town—much in the way a new mother takes pleasure in showing off her infant.
And ye
t, whatever the people gave Trudi was not enough, could never be enough. If she couldn’t have their acceptance, at least she’d have their stories. That’s what the people of Burgdorf owed her. Because she’d come into their middle. Because of her difference. Because they could not accept her—they owed her something. And she’d extract that payment, ruthlessly, banking on their pity, their guilt, their relief.
But to her own secrets she held on, accumulating power by keeping separate what was hers and what belonged to others. One day it struck her that it was almost like hoarding money for people who worshiped wealth. How much she had that was hers. What she took away from others. What she gave to others. What she hoarded. There was even interest because what she already owned grew as she added that which came from others. It gave her a sense of wealth, of pride; yet, sometimes the mass of secrets felt totally useless, a sharp-edged block that encumbered her. Those were the times when she would have liked to give up all the secrets if only she could have had what she craved most deeply—the connection to others.
eleven
1938
THAT SPRING OF THE ANSCHLUSS, WHEN GERMAN TROOPS MARCHED into Austria, came to be known in Burgdorf as the spring of the great flood. After eight years of tolerating its boundaries, the Rhein spilled its waters across a hundred towns, killing over four hundred people, five of them in Burgdorf alone. The old women said the river had become accustomed to human flesh from the two recent suicides, both of them Jews, who had chosen its chilly current for their grave, seeking out whirlpools and surrendering to their downward spin instead of escaping through the root of the vortex the way that children who live near the river are taught to by their elders.
The river—so the old women said—was like a wild animal which, once it has sampled human blood, will always lust for that taste.
