by Hegi, Ursula
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Her words jolted him as though he’d forgotten she was still there. He worked his lips as if to reply and finally shocked her with a burst of laughter. “You—young lady—you—”
She took a step back.
“—you are very lucky.” Still laughing, he pulled out a chair and motioned for her to sit down.
“I can’t stay.”
“In some countries they kill the messenger.” He stopped laughing and regarded her so gravely that she was afraid he suspected the truth. “Fortunately, I don’t engage in that custom.…” His peculiar singsong had slowed down, making it easier for Trudi to follow him. “What did she tell you, this woman?”
“Just to give the note to you.”
“You know what it says?”
“Oh, no. It’s private.”
“Of course. Please … do sit down.”
“I have to go.”
“What did she look like?”
“The woman?”
“The woman.”
“She—she was very beautiful… tall, with dark-brown hair pulled back. A yellow dress—she wore a yellow dress. With fabric-covered buttons.”
“The poor woman.”
“What?”
He smiled sadly and relit his pipe, drawing deeply. “That curse of beauty … Finding pleasure in trying to destroy others.”
“Did she—?”
“Destroy me?” Box 241 rested his elbows on his knees and brought his face close to Trudi’s. “Do you think she did?”
“I have to catch the streetcar and—”
“One cup of tea,” he said. “Or one small glass of wine.”
“I would. I really would, but my streetcar is leaving in ten minutes.”
“Where do you have to go?”
“Burgdorf,” she said, wishing immediately she hadn’t told him.
“That’s where this woman lives.”
“Really?”
“Her first letter was mailed from there.”
“I haven’t seen her before today.” Liar, she thought as an image of the book jacket flashed before her.
“I’ll drive you home.”
“No,” she said quickly, wishing she had mailed the letter from Oberkassel or Düsseldorf. “No.”
“I’d be glad to. Thanks to your message, my plans for the afternoon have changed.” He added as though he really meant it, “I would welcome your company.” Extending his right hand, he introduced himself. “Max Rudnick.”
She mumbled her name, making it impossible to understand as she shook his hand. Far too contrite to resist his invitation, she climbed on the chair across from him, her leather handbag on her knees, both hands clenching the curved handle. Two shimmering flies were knitting their legs on Max Rudnick’s saucer. As the heavy woman who’d eaten the Bienenstich walked out of the restaurant, Trudi felt oddly abandoned.
“Tea?” Max Rudnick asked.
She nodded.
“Lemon?”
She nodded. Her feet swung high above the floor.
When the tea arrived, he squeezed the half-moon of lemon above her cup and stirred it. “Here,” he said.
“Thank you.” She burned her tongue as she gulped the tea, all of it, without looking at him. “It’s very good.”
“Not too hot?”
She sucked the tip of her tongue against her palate and shook her head.
“Were you thirsty?”
“I must have been.” Before he could ask her anything else, she said, “Are you from another country?”
“Because of the way I talk?”
“It’s not all that noticeable.”
“The curse of being raised by my Russian grandmother, who played solitaire all day and refused to speak German. I stayed with her, talking Russian till I was old enough to go to school.”
Now she was curious. “How about your parents?”
“Both worked. I was much closer to my grandmother.”
“Where—”
“Köln. I lived there until recently when—when I was … let’s say, transferred.”
Is that why you wrote the ad? she almost asked, blushing hard as she realized how that would have given away her secret. “Why were you transferred?” she asked instead.
“It happens to teachers.” Max Rudnick studied her carefully. “I don’t know you well enough yet to tell you the reason.…”
The yet alarmed her, but she was not about to inquire what he meant. Besides, he was already paying the bill, and then his hand was guiding her shoulder as they walked toward the door.
“At least this time I can see where I’m going,” he said and pointed to his thick glasses. “And to think that there are people who say that only women are vain.”
“They don’t look that bad.”
“Bad enough. But without them I’m practically blind.”
“At least that keeps you out of the war.” She brought her hand to her mouth. How could she be so careless with someone whose politics she didn’t know?
He glanced at her sharply. “That it does.”
“I didn’t mean anything.”
“And I didn’t hear anything.” He led her toward a shabby blue car. “Would you like the window open?” he asked after they sat inside.
She nodded.
He reached for a screwdriver on the back seat, leaned across her, and rotated it inside the hole where the handle for the window used to be. The glass creaked as it moved down. When they crossed the bridge to Oberkassel, a cone of birds swirled from the high girders as the long blast of a barge rose from the river.
“I’d like to talk with you again,” he said.
She stopped breathing. “Why?” she blurted, certain he was trying to prove she’d written the letters.
He looked at her from the side. “Will you say yes if I give you a good reason?”
She shook her head.
“Two good reasons?”
“I really can’t.”
“Three good—”
She had to laugh. “No,” she said. “Not even with seventeen good reasons.”
The curtain in the Blaus’ living room moved when Max Rudnick parked his car in front of the pay-library, and Trudi climbed out before he could shut off the engine.
“I’ll walk you to the door.”
“You don’t have to.” Her burned tongue felt sore.
He pointed to the tobacco sign in the window. “I need to stock up.”
“We’re out of tobacco.”
“Really now?”
“We’ve been waiting for a delivery.”
“Who is we?”
“My father and I.”
“I’ll come back then. For tobacco.”
And he did come back—the following week—but Trudi recognized his blue car in time to dart upstairs, leaving her father to deal with him. From behind the lace curtains of the second-floor hall window, she watched the sidewalk, and it took nearly fifteen minutes before Max Rudnick came out and drove off.
“What did he want?” she asked her father, who was taping the torn cover of a nurse-and-doctor novel.
He didn’t look up. “Tobacco.”
“Did he say anything?” She felt her ears go hot. “About me?”
Her father thought for a moment, then shook his head. Humming softly to himself, he fastened another piece of tape across a tear.
“Then what was he doing here all that time?”
“Looking at books. He borrowed a Western.”
She groaned. “Why did you let him?”
“It’s the kind of business we’re in.”
“Now he has a reason to come back.”
Her father squinted at her. Smiled.
“Oh,” she said. “It’s nothing. Nothing.”
In the days to come, she would keep checking the street, prepared to vanish again, and when Max Rudnick didn’t return the following week and the week after that, she felt relieved; yet, when the due date of the book passed, her reli
ef gave way to a peculiar disappointment that found its expression in periodic calculations of his mounting library fine.
I wish you could visit me, Ingrid wrote. The mountains are spectacular, but I miss Burgdorf. She lived with the schoolchildren, ate her meals with them, taught them everything from grammar to mathematics, gave them homework assignments, and made sure they washed properly before they went to bed. During her third night there, she’d been awakened by screams from the boys’ dorm. They’d had a pillow fight, and one of the pillows had hit a lamp, causing a flame to surge up and set the pillow case on fire. Thank God we put it out in time, Ingrid wrote. Most of the children are homesick. I’ve found out that boys get rough when they’re afraid, while girls cry.
Though Ingrid didn’t complain directly in her letter about the Hitler-Jugend representative, Fräulein Wiedesprunt, who was in charge of the children’s home, it was evident that she found it difficult to deal with the fault-finding woman, who told her she preferred male teachers and enjoyed setting curfews for everyone, including Ingrid. There were certain hours she was not allowed out, certain places she was not allowed to go.
The first weekend Ingrid was allowed to return to Burgdorf for a visit, she stopped at the pay-library before she saw her parents and told Trudi she dreaded her return to the home. “I thought I’d like teaching, but what’s happening there has little to do with school. They’ve even removed all the crucifixes from the classrooms.”
“Here too.” Trudi took her into the living room, where they sat down on the velvet sofa. “I think it’s like that everywhere.”
“And the praying, even though we aren’t allowed to pray in school, I used to say a short prayer before and after lessons.” The skin on Ingrid’s face looked red and dry. “The children—they really liked it, but once, when one of my classes was observed by Fräulein Wiedesprunt, a girl reminded me that we hadn’t prayed yet.”
Trudi winced.
“I said quickly, Oh, we’ll catch up on that later.’ But I was shaking … all that day I was shaking, Trudi.” Ingrid leapt up, paced to the window and back. Her thin fingers straightened the lace tablecloth on the round wicker table, lifted the stuffed squirrel from the shelf. “I felt like a coward for not praying.”
“But you couldn’t pray. Not then.”
Ingrid set the stuffed squirrel down again.
“You did the right thing.”
“Fräulein Wiedesprunt, she didn’t mention the praying, but she told me afterwards that when I raise my hand in the Heil Hitler it isn’t vigorous enough.”
“Vigorous. It’s appalling that we have to do it at all.”
“As a teacher you can’t get away with not doing it. Students might tell on you. If they don’t like you, they might even turn you in for something you didn’t do.”
“I know of a teacher in Oberkassel who was demoted. Two others in Krefeld were fired.”
“The students …” Ingrid nodded. “It gives them too much power. If they misunderstand something or are angry about their grades … It’s dangerous for teachers to be strict.”
“But if you can’t demand work from them, they learn less.”
“At least I don’t have to teach history. It’s too easy to make mistakes there.”
“Like telling the truth?”
While Jutta Malter immersed herself in studies at the Art Academy in Düsseldorf, the old women—who had been skeptical about the reasons for the hasty wedding—kept scanning her belly, but it did not round out, though Jutta Malter seemed more grown-up, now that she was married to an older man. Not that she lost the spring in her step—it was rather a maturing of her entire body, an almost regal bearing though, at times, she could still look like a girl.
“She is nearly half his age,” Trudi would point out whenever she retold the story of how Jutta had arrived at the dentist’s office late that fated June afternoon to have him replace a filling and had ended up replacing his fiancée. Sometimes it felt as if it had happened all in one afternoon: the wedding, the visit of the jilted bride’s father, and Jutta—reclining in the dentist’s chair, smelling the clean medicine scent on Klaus Malter’s hands, marveling at the tight curls of his red beard and wishing the drilling would go on forever.
Early one morning, when Trudi returned from trading five books for half a loaf of bread and two eggs, which she would smuggle to Frau Simon, she saw Klaus and Jutta walk past the Rathaus, setting out for their daily Spaziergang—stroll. Pigeons rose from the shoulders of the Hitler statue, whose early gloss had soon been dulled by a greenish rust. If you looked closely, you could see that the Führer’s left ear was larger than the right one. A small child had noticed the flaw at the dedication ceremony and had pointed it out aloud, causing the pharmacist additional embarrassment.
Arms linked, Jutta and Klaus were talking eagerly as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks, and for a moment there—one generous moment—Trudi wished them well and released Klaus Malter.
That November—only months after Klaus had helped his bride move her belongings down one flight of stairs in her Uncle Alexander’s house and had settled with her in the large apartment that her uncle had made available for the newlyweds on the second floor—his mother was arrested while teaching her philosophy seminar. One of her students called him, his voice muffled and urgent as if he were afraid of being apprehended any moment. He didn’t know where the Frau Professor had been taken, he said, but he knew she’d been warned by the administration before to modify her views. “I admired her,” he said as he hung up.
Klaus Malter’s inquiries only brought him the information that his mother was in one of the prison camps; he demanded to see her, wrote letters and made phone calls to the police and the president of the university, and when he found out that there was nothing he could do, he became obsessed with the cold. It seeped into his veins as he kept thinking of his mother without warm clothes and blankets. He never worried about her starving or being tortured—only freezing to death, and he couldn’t bear being inside heated rooms.
He’d roam the streets of Burgdorf, refusing to wear his coat or a knitted vest, blaming himself for not having resisted years ago. Like countless others, he’d simply grown more cautious—afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to listen to forbidden radio stations that would tell you what was happening in the world. It was always possible that you might be picked up: at your place of work, in the streetcar, in a restaurant, in your own house. He had thought it was enough not to participate in the Partei, to stay away from marches and speeches. Now he wondered how much damage he’d done with his silence. Maybe if he’d officially protested when the boys had stoned little Fienchen Blomberg outside the Weiler’s grocery store seven years before … Or if he’d fought the treatment that the Abramowitzs and his other Jewish patients had suffered …
Oh, he’d felt terrible for all of them, had slipped a couple of banknotes to some of them—but what, really, had he done to prevent this avalanche of violence that had started small at one point, small enough to stop, surely, before it had become this frenzied mass that was still gathering momentum and, in its path, was sweeping his mother along?
He’d walk in his shirt even during sleet and rain, shivering hard, only stopping to stare at the naked branches, at the bleak sky. And his young wife let him—that’s what the old woman clicked their tongues about. She’d even walk in the icy wind with him, not wearing a coat herself. It only proved that she was still a child. A proper wife would have coaxed her husband into warm layers of clothing, soothed his unrest with mulled wine.
Klaus was called to military duty a month after his mother’s arrest, and when Jutta saw him off at the train, she promised to keep searching for his mother. As she left the station, she found Trudi Montag waiting for her outside the arched entrance, the collar of her wool coat turned up against the wind. Jutta raised one sleeve to dry her eyes, and Trudi handed her a folded handkerchief. Without saying a word, Trudi walked with her, and Jutta curbed her stride to match
the Zwerg woman’s pace.
When Herr Blau awoke to steady pounding against the door, his first thought was that the Gestapo had come for him. Fingers trembling, he reached for the water glass on his night table and fumbled his false teeth into his mouth. As he crept out of bed and down the dark stairs with a candle, he prepared what he would say if questioned—that he had never listened to anything anyone had said against the Führer and the Partei, that he was an old man and couldn’t remember who had said what, and—
The pounding came from the back door. His hand on the railing, Herr Blau stopped. The police usually came to the front door, terrorizing not only the people they arrested but everyone else in the neighborhood. He peered from the kitchen window and saw a man standing on the stoop.
“Sshh.” He opened the window a crack, and the pounding stopped. “Sshh. You’re waking everyone up.”
“Please—” The young man’s eyes sat in hungry sockets. “Let me in, please.” Two of the points on his yellow star were frayed.
Herr Blau trembled as if he were the one standing out there in the wintry night. “I don’t even know you.”
“They took my sister. They’ll take me too if—”
“There must be people you can ask … family or friends.…”
“They’re all gone.”
“Go away. You—you must go away.”
The man did not answer.
“I don’t know you,” Herr Blau said, his bowels twisting with sudden nausea.
The man blinked. His fingers closing around the straps of a rucksack, he turned and walked down the back slope toward the brook. With one stiff leap he reached the other bank and was blotted by the night.
When Herr Blau climbed back into bed, his feet felt frozen, and he took care not to press himself against his sleeping wife, though he longed to be wrapped into the warmth of her body. Lying near the edge of the bed, he closed his eyes and tried to return to sleep, but he kept seeing the man. He reminded himself that he’d never done anything against the Jews, even when others had humiliated them. He had not approved when Jews had lost their jobs and houses, and he’d always felt concerned about those who’d disappeared, hoping they’d found a better place to live. If he were Jewish, he had told his wife many times, he would have had the good sense to leave Germany long ago.
