Gus knew the wisdom of Andy’s words. John was a complicated man and wasn’t one to be swayed by others. He was a strong and independent being; he’d always had to be. Even though what she was offering him could change that, he had to let go of the protection his fiercely independent nature offered him and take a risk.
“I will offer you this, however. Don’t sit around and wait for him to come to you. I’m not saying chase his ass down either. That will work about as well as me going in there to snuggle Skynyrd. He will claw me to bits. But, if I sit here petting Lyn and ignore Skyn, he will eventually find his way under my touch for a few pets before retreating. Each time I visit, he accepts a little more attention from me. Eventually, he will be rolling over in my lap and exposing his belly demanding rubs. And do you know why?”
“Because there isn’t a male on this planet that can resist your charms?” Marco piped up. The blush and shy smile that graced Andy’s face was a thing of beauty, a testament to deep and lasting love. The look they shared made Gus blush. It was like peeking into someone’s windows and observing the true them.
“Not that your statement isn’t accurate, but no, it’s because he witnesses the way I am with Lyn. He is too afraid to come to me and develop that trust the way most animals do, through personal experience, I suppose. Instead, he uses Lyn’s reaction to me to form his theory. He observes Lyn’s condition after an encounter and sees that he is content with his treatment. He wasn’t harmed by it.”
“I thought you were a lawyer by day, not Jackson Galaxy’s understudy.”
“Part of being a good litigator is reading people, so if I apply that to cats, then so be it. As I was saying, Skyn has lived a hard life, been through things we can only imagine. It’s made him, let’s say, cautious. So, he doesn’t put himself out there to be hurt; he leaves that to Lyn. After a while of Lyn being consistently okay with my treatment, he will test it himself. Plus, like all males, he is envious of the other male’s attention, and of course, a little jealousy and envy are amazing motivators.”
“Are you actually suggesting I set out to make John jealous? Isn’t that against the bro code or something? Besides, John is not a man to be manipulated. However, I have thought about putting myself out there. I may be hopelessly optimistic as Stacy says, but I am also a realist. John isn’t ready for me or a relationship with me for whatever reasons. I want to believe it’s just the pregnancy, but it may not be. I may deliver this baby in a week or two and nothing will change between us. I can’t just sit around like a lump on log waiting to see if he will come around.”
Andy displayed a split second of utter shock at her words before he schooled his features, but Marco’s jaw was practically on the tile. Gus enjoyed their surprise for whatever reason. It was rare she was unpredictable, especially to Andy.
“Pick your handsome jaw up off the floor, sweetheart, you’re catching flies,” Andy said lovingly with a light touch to Marco’s jaw, before turning to Gus and dropping a kiss on her forehead. “I think that is a wonderful idea, Pixie. John is a good man, and I know you care deeply about him, and while I believe he cares deeply for you, no one should put their life on hold for another person.”
His words touched her, so Gus threw herself into his arms. Not because she hadn’t thought the same thing, but because it was a relief to hear from Andy. It was like he was giving her his blessing to pursue whatever would make her happy. Not that she needed it or that he thought he had the right to grant it, but she was carrying his child. So in a way, she did look to him for permission.
“Besides, any man who is willing to give me a chance while I’m pregnant has got to be worth something.” Gus had no designs on falling in love or even starting a serious relationship, but why should she be totally alone just because she wasn’t in the market for forever. Having a male companion to eat dinner and catch a movie with sounded good. Hell, just to sit on the couch with a man who enjoys my company as a woman and binge watch my latest obsession with me sounds like Heaven.
“And like my cariño said, a little jealousy goes a long way.” Marco’s voice broke through her thoughts. Shaking off her little mental vacay, she noticed the men readying to leave.
“You have to go already? You just got here.”
“Yes, Pixie, the vans will be here any minute now, and Marco is peculiar about where everything must go. Besides, you will be sick to death of us by the time this baby is weaned, so enjoy the fact that we are leaving without you forcing us out.”
Gus escorted them to the door and said her goodbyes. “And for the record, I’m not open to dating to make John jealous. I’m doing it to set us both free.”
After they left, she pondered her own words. It was true, as much as she saw affection in John’s eyes, she was pretty sure it wasn’t love. Not that it couldn’t be, it just wasn’t yet. If she allowed herself to stagnate and pine, John would shoulder the guilt like it was his fault. That misguided sense of guilt would likely force him to make a move he wasn’t ready for. That was something she would never allow. The one thing worse than unrequited love is being trapped by someone else’s love for you.
If John had laid money on being cornered at the hotel every chance one of his three friends got, he would have cleaned house. It wasn’t as bad as he expected, they really were great friends who had a lot of life experience to offer, no matter their ages.
Erika, in particular, had much to offer on stubbornness and thinking you know what is best for someone else. She had held back from Walker because of their age difference, and then when she finally had her chance, she didn’t tell him what he needed to know. She shut down the minute he raised his voice and made threats without knowing the truth. Then she ran away to lick her wounds, leaving him to believe the worst, and thinking she knew what he wanted. After sharing her colossal mistakes and crying for hours about how she handled the situation with Walker, Erika begged him not to make the same mistakes and then fell asleep in his room. John covered her and made his way to the couch. He would’ve just taken her room, but he was not about to root around in her bag for her room key. Hotel sofas were shorter than most and John wasn’t, so his back had yet to recover.
The second night, it was Tori’s turn. Her wisdom leaned more toward looking people in the eyes and asking blunt questions and listening, really listening to the answers. No matter how much evidence there may be to the contrary, you assume nothing. Tori also knew about loving someone through their pain and your own.
People in pain will say and do things that hurt others. Tori’s advice was to understand that they will do those things not to hurt the other person but to hurt themselves. “Withstand the storm and fight for the person you love, not to possess them, but to set them free. That is when you can break through the past.” Those words struck John in a deep, dark place—a place where his bad history lived.
That night, he made his way to Michael’s room, since Tori also cried herself to sleep in his. Michael took John’s key and went to sleep with his wife. John was left alone in their room and decided to sleep on the couch yet again. With the sounds pouring through the walls last night, and again this morning, there was no way he was sleeping in the bed.
Having apparently shared everything they wanted to, the ladies left him alone on the third night, so John found himself at the bar sipping a single malt and contemplating the advice his friends had imparted to him. He was still torn at the level of relationship he wanted, but hell, that was fine, right? Most people start as strangers and the relationship just develops. It wasn’t a requirement to go in with an end result in mind.
Their friendship was strong, why couldn’t they just date and see where it goes from there? As soon as the question formed, there was a tug on his heart. Not a gentle sweet tug either, more like an anchor being tossed overboard and not quite reaching the bottom and jerking at the end of its chain. He knew Augusta’s feelings for him ran deep. The need to have an end game in mind was created by that knowledge.
Just as an aww,
fuck it, formed in his head, he felt a slap on his back. He turned and Michael dropped to the stool next to him. John motioned the bartender to fill his glass and bring one for Michael.
“So, old man, drowning your troubles in cheap whiskey?”
“Bite your tongue, youngin’, this is eighteen-year-old Macallan.” It took one sip and Michael’s appreciation was apparent.
“Damn, old man, that’s nice. You must be rolling in it to afford to drink this all the time,” Michael quipped as he returned the glass to his lips.
“Ha, I can barely afford to drink it on occasion, only when I really need to think. I drink an eight or sixteen-year-old Lagavulin at home. Smokier, bolder, and a hell of a lot more my price range.”
Michael finished his drink and motioned for the bartender to leave the bottle. Tipping the amber liquid into both their glasses, Michael spoke, “So, I take it the Boob Brigade ripped you a new one?”
“Surprisingly, no. They shared experiences and advice and fell asleep. No questions. No judgement. No severing of male anatomy.” Michael damn near choked on his Scotch.
“Seriously? Either they are losing their touch or they know all they need to know about you and have already given you a full pass to take a run at Gus. Enjoy it, my friend, it’s a rare occurrence when those two don’t rake you over the coals before letting you near their friends.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that over the last year or so. Rabid pit bulls in high heels, but in the best way. They are both amazing women; Walker and you are lucky men.”
“I’ll drink to that.” The clink of glass followed by tinkling ice and satisfied sighs were the only sounds for a while as John and Michael simply sat enjoying a good Scotch. After reflecting on what he had and what he’d lost, and what he might never experience, John broke the silence.
“I’ve got a boat load of baggage and a lot of internal shit to get over, but I’m willing to try. There hasn’t been another woman who makes me want to try for a long time, but Augusta is special. Even if it’s not the fairy tale ending you keep bragging about, I will be a better man for having taken a chance.” Emptying the last of the bottle between the two glasses, John made the decision to tell Augusta what his roadblocks were and see where it could go. He wasn’t looking for forever, but he was officially open to it if it happened.
“So, here’s to choosing possibilities over regrets. Regrets may still happen, but they are better than the what-if kind,” John toasted.
Michael added, “And to the women who made us say fuck-the-what-ifs.”
“Here, here.” The other two patrons at the long bar raised their glasses. John had forgotten it wasn’t just Michael and him. Their bond had only grown over the last months, and John felt at ease with him, so much so that before the night was over, John explained the truth about his son. It was clear Michael had a better understanding of why getting close to Augusta while she was carrying another’s child was so difficult for a man who had been through so much.
As John fell asleep that night, Michael’s words played on a loop in his head. “Shit man, that’s heavy, but remember this was a choice, not a deception. And when you look at her, see Gus, and only Gus. No one else, no echoes of the past, no lies, no pain. Just Gus.” That was the part John needed to burn into his brain. Then he added, “And when you get her naked, think of it as a preview for when she is knocked up with your old ass’ offspring, a glimpse into your future. I, for one, have two grand riding on when you two get together, so don’t let me down. I’ve quit my main source of income to pursue the band thing full-time, so I could use the dough until Superficial Sinner becomes a household name.”
As miffed as John was that his family by choice bet on his love life, he expected it. They ran betting pools on everything from when people would get together to when they have children. In a way, he found hope in the fact that the betting wasn’t a matter of if, but when he and Augusta got together. Of course, he had participated in their betting pools for other members, so he shouldn’t be surprised.
What did surprise him was the thought of a very pregnant Augusta was turning him on. He kept picturing her lying on a bed with maroon sheets, writhing in ecstasy as he licked and nibbled her sensitive flesh. Remembering how she had come apart in his arms had him gripping his dick with purpose. With each replay of the mewling noises she made, his strokes increased. Breathing, rapid. Hand, pumping.
It had been a long time since he needed to touch himself for relief, but as the pictures in his mind got clearer, more vivid, he was stroking his cock like he was sixteen. His moans filled the room, but it was hers that filled his ears. He reached for his suitcase with his free hand. Damn it. He slowed his masturbation just long enough to walk to the chair and retrieve the still-folded T-shirt, then he brought it to his nose and inhaled deeply.
“Augusta.” Her name on his lips and her scent invading his body was enough. Three more pumps of his harder than granite cock, and he blew his load. A top ten orgasm, and he was alone, sniffing a damn T-shirt, beating it like a teenager, and calling the name of a woman he wasn’t sure he could love as she deserved.
Pathetic.
The comment she feared most just popped up on her live feed. If you just stopped loving him overnight, then how could you call it love at all? Yep, there it was taunting her from the computer screen.
Augusta knew it was coming from the minute she highlighted the other night with John on her weekly live feed—without too many private details, of course. She had just gone live a few days ago to do an in-between update, but this was the one where no topic was really off the table. It was these weekly no-holds-barred interactions that had brought this group so close together.
It was time to pull on her big girl underwear and respond. “Okay, in response to Lessa's comment, I did not stop loving him overnight. I’m afraid that the kind of love I have for John will transcend my time here on this Earth but, I am a human being. I need companionship, compassion, and yes, love, both physical and emotional. Just because I have decided to seek company via dating, doesn’t mean I plan on having sex with someone or jumping into a relationship.”
Gus paused to gather her emotions. “I need dinner with someone who looks at me for me. I need to have my hand held on occasion, and my cheek touched with that kind of tenderness that makes you burrow into the hand caressing it. And yes, eventually, I will need a more physical relationship. Just because I do not believe I can love someone to the same magnitude with which I do John, does not mean I can’t love. All humans are capable of love, no matter how much of their heart they have given away, or what lurks in the past.”
That last statement stung and stoked Gus’ anger. All humans, including John. He simply chose not to when she had chosen to allow herself to love him. It was a conscious decision to let herself fall in love with John. It was a deliberate choice to continue to love him in the face of his reluctance, and now it was her choice to direct the rest of her ability to care toward herself, and someday, another man.
“Ladies, I am simply open to the possibility, should it present itself. When John came into my life, I closed my heart to any others. That was before I even loved him, but I can’t continue to do that for another year. It’s clear he isn’t ready to even consider me and unclear if he ever will be. Plus, one of the things I love most about him is his sense of honor, but I will not use that to trap him. If he thinks I am pining away for him and that he encouraged me, then his honor will draw him back, because he will feel guilty that I haven’t moved on.”
Gus paused to scroll the comments again. They were furiously posting—a mix of how can you even think it, to good for you, and everything in between. She needed to explain why she was making her choice, which required a bit more disclosure. This group was all about honesty, thrived on it.
“Okay, ladies, let me explain a little more. I am only going to go into as much detail that is needed to help you understand where I am operating from. You deserve my experience since you all share yours freely.
I should have explained all this the other day, but my heart wasn’t ready to discuss it.” Gus steadied herself with a deep, cleansing breath.
“During dinner, I could feel John shutting down, not because he wasn’t interested, but because he was making a choice to put distance between us. I watched his internal struggle play out like a black and white movie in every blink of his eyes and twitch of his jaw. He has made a choice not to be open to a relationship with me. When we got ready to leave, he dropped the mother of all friend-zone bombs, the ‘we need to talk’ nuclear warhead.” Gus became more animated as her anger overwhelmed her hurt—air quotes and flailing arms.
“I told him I understood but wanted to shove the talk until later. I felt my anger rise and my pain flow. I decided to savor every second left of the night then give him his freedom. Then, in the foyer, we became…intimate.” The blush was so intense, Gus didn’t need to see herself on the computer screen to know she has turned a shade of crimson. The questions flying up the screen didn’t help, but she refused to detail it for the group. It was bad enough she was kissing and telling, she would not give a play-by-play.
“We did not have sex, and I will not tell you what base he made it to. What I will say is when it was…over, the look on his face shredded my very soul. A mix of regret, shame, and self-recrimination, just to name a few, troubled his strong, chiseled features. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced. Not just because it embarrassed me and cut me as a woman, but because I had inadvertently caused that strong, beautiful man to dislike himself. That, I cannot deal with.”
An insistent doorbell followed by rapid-fire knocking interrupted her. Good thing too, because she was drowning in emotions.
“I didn’t realize we ran so long. I know you have a million more question, but my baby sis is at the door. I’ll hop on later and answer any new questions y’all post. For now, much love to you all and remember, you are stronger than you think. Gotta run.”
Inevitably Yours (Imagine Ink Book 4) Page 7
