Summi was sitting a little way off, her body sagging under the heat. She looked worn out. She'd been sweeping the terraces all afternoon, unlike Jackson who'd simply refused the broom, then gone off to sun himself on the beach. I was about to go to her when Jackson came trotting up to me.
"Hey Jamjar," he jibed. "How was the meditation?"
"Oh,.. the same."
I wanted to tell him he should try harder to be there, that he shouldn't lead Summi astray, but of course I was afraid to.
"You okay buddy? Someone been messin' with you?"
"I'm all right. It's Summi I'm worried about. She looks ill, don't you think? Maybe we should tell someone."
"Tell the monkey's, you mean?"
"Maybe,… I've heard others say that when they've been sick the monks have fixed them up really well."
"Listen, Jamjar, we tell them nothing, right? How long have you been inside, boy? She's just tired is all. We'll take care of it, okay?"
I sensed the irritation in Jackson's voice and knew to leave it. "Sure,… you're right. Listen, have you noticed that some of the monks are women?"
Jackson's face cracked into a grin. "Women? No way. You ask me, that meditation's playing tricks on you."
I was about to explain but held back, feeling I'd perhaps said too much already.
"Trust me, you need to bunk off more," said Jackson. "You don't do nothing you don't have to, right?"
"Sure,… sure."
Jackson bounded off again and Summi looked up expectantly as he passed, but he barely seemed to notice her. Then she smiled at me, and we sat down together.
"Been sweeping?" I asked.
She nodded slowly, like her head was heavy and difficult to balance. "I don't mind doing it, it just makes me ache, that's all. Why won't you swim with us? The water here is the best."
"Oh, I'm not much of a swimmer, Summi."
"You could just splash around a bit."
"I'm afraid of getting out of my depth, I suppose."
"We've not much to worry about with Jackson around."
"You're right," I laughed. "He'd soon pull us out of trouble wouldn't he? Summi, listen,… you've been here longer than me,… have you ever seen anyone released?"
She thought a while. "There's never any big announcement. You know how quiet things are here. People just disappear. Why?"
"Well, I came here thinking this was somewhere we stayed for a while, towards the end of our time, a sort of rehabilitation center - that if we did well we'd leave sooner, but if we mucked about, we'd be sent back to ordinary prison to complete our full term."
"I'm sure that's the way it is. What are you thinking?"
"I believe if we do really well here, we can go home straight away,.. but, have you ever thought,… that if we don't,… we'll stay here for ever?"
"No Jamjar, that can't be right. I know it's strange here: vague rules and not much idea what's going on - but it's all very,… humane. The monks are kind. And people do leave."
"But do they leave, or are they just put somewhere else?"
She shivered. "Don't talk that way. It frightens me."
I slept little that night and in the morning I decided the best course was to lose my privileges before anyone found out about them. So, I went down to the beach with Jackson and Summi, and though I kept my shirt on, I waded out and splashed around in the shallows. Then, when the bell sounded for meditation, though it hurt, I ignored it.
Later on, when we all returned to the monastery, we found the monks waiting with brooms. I was offered one, but Jackson refused it for me and took me back to the beach. Only Summi accepted the broom and began to sweep. This was apparently okay by Jackson because sweeping was women's work.
I felt for her: she wanted to please Jackson, and now she wanted to please the monks, and in a sudden flash of insight I saw how her whole life had been a compromise between the conflicting demands of others - wanting to please everyone, and destroying herself in the process.
I didn't stay long at the beach, but returned to the monastery, following the terraces to the little gateway that led to the secret apartments. With every step I took I was hoping I'd be stopped by one of the monks, and it worried me that I wasn't. Finally I came to the little gate and found Sister Jade sunning herself. She smiled and spoke softly as I passed:
"What has been gained cannot be lost, you know? It's like a branch in the road: once you know it, you can no longer not know it."
Well, that was fine then. I could only hope that no one else knew that I knew it!
Resigned to my fate, I found the fishpond. It seemed even more beautiful than before. The inmates looked up at me - not in an aggressive way, but welcoming and kind. There was an air of calm; some played chess and backgammon in the dappled sunlight while others talked quietly. I knew I'd be safe here, that there would be no more need for sucking up to the likes of Jackson; I could just be myself.
But I would never be free!
An elderly gentleman ambled over. "Will you be joining us, do you think?" he asked.
"It's very tempting," I replied "It's so tranquil."
"Yes. We all seem to be of a certain kind here. I'm sure you'd fit right in."
"Do you ever get down to the beach? I mean with the others,… it's good to swim."
The old man turned his eyes away and allowed them instead to follow the lazy movements of a goldfish. "We tend not to venture to the beach," he said. "I'm sure the others would be quick to take offence at our,… differences."
"And the meditation?"
"We don't go there either. You can meditate here of course, though the monks say it's not the same."
"And, do you mind my asking: how long have you been here?"
"How long? Oh,… I forget."
I was dumfounded: "I thought every convict counted the days to his release."
"I've lost track," he said. "Does that surprise you? But it's not really like prison at all here, not at this level of the game."
"But you're not free!"
The old man shook his head in a sagely way. "Well, what is freedom?"
"Easy," I said, having heard all this philosophical nonsense before. "It's going where you want, when you want. It's being free to,… well, to make love as you please, and not be afraid all the time."
The old man thought for a while. "It's true, the men and women are not permitted to - well - you know. But there are other things in life besides that: a good book and a game of chess, for example."
But where was the freedom if they were afraid to go to the beach? I liked the beach: I'd miss it!
"I was told there's another level," I said. "Somewhere you can progress to from here."
"Oh, I don't bother about things like that any more. If there's another level, no one speaks of it. There are many levels I'm sure, and one of them may be the way out, but I can't say anyone's ever found it."
"Perhaps people just disappear, without your being told that they've moved on. I mean, who vacated the apartment I'm to have?"
"That was old Aristotle. He passed away. It's a pity - he was a good chess player. Do you play?"
I came down from the fishpond, to find Summi still sweeping the terraces. The hollows around her eyes seemed deeper. I told her to sit down, then picked up her broom and swept for her.
"No need to do it so hard," she said, as she watched me. "You're just making the dust fly."
But I was angry and I worked it into the broom. "There's an easy way out of here," I said. "I know there is, but you can't be fooled into accepting their privileges. That way you'll never be free. It comes from here, from this level - and you can't think your way out either. It's not that sort of a puzzle."
Summi didn't understand, so she said: "It was fun, when you came with us to the beach this morning."
"Eh? Oh, sure I enjoyed being with you,… and Jackson. Summi, forgive me for asking this, but you're very sick, aren't you?"
She averted her eyes and clutched her arms around her thin body.
"It's just that I can't stay clean for very long," she said. "I have to find the secret, Jamjar, or they say I won't get better. Freedom will just kill me. Until I can find it I'm better off here. I'm just so much more myself, even sweeping these terraces,… . happy being with you,… and Jackson."
I carried on sweeping while I plucked up the courage, then paused again. "If I swim with you tomorrow, and all week, will you come and meditate with me next week?"
She parted her lips in surprise, as if I'd had made an unexpected declaration of love. "Oh, Jamjar,… it's just that - well - me and Jackson, we think that's all nonsense."
Or rather Jackson said it was nonsense and she was afraid to have her own opinion. "But will you?"
"You'll swim?" she asked.
"I said so, didn't I?"
"l mean really swim? Take your shirt off and wade out and all?"
"Well,… okay then."
She was on the verge of accepting. "I still don't know," she said, meaning that she might, if she could find a way of pleasing me without displeasing Jackson. I saw it, and felt bad for having pushed her into such a dilemma. Why couldn't people just let her do as she pleased, without making her feel guilty whichever way she turned?
The following morning on the beach I peeled my shirt off to the accompaniment of a mock fanfare played by Jackson on a make-believe bugle. Summi applauded, jumping up and down with girlish delight, and then we headed out into the sea. The water was shallow and warm. I kept testing my depth but eventually relaxed and began to swim, pulling an untidy crawl to Jackson's powerful, perfect strokes.
At one point I wasn't looking where I was going and collided with Summi, feeling for a moment her soft derriere squashed against me She laughed, thinking nothing of it, but the contact caused me to shiver with delight. It was a long time since I'd been with a woman. She'd felt exquisite, but I distanced myself in a hurry because Jackson was quick with his jealousy,… and I still needed him.
So, I kept my end of the bargain and defied the monks for a week, avoiding the meditation and refusing the broom. But on the first morning of the following week I told Jackson I wasn't feeling too good and that maybe I'd try the meditation again, if only to get some rest. Summi stood beside him, and she knew well enough what I was thinking - that this was her cue to step away from Jackson's side and come over to mine, but she couldn't even look at me. That hurt - even though I'd known all along I was expecting too much. Jackson called me a few names, but good-naturedly, because we were still buddies it seemed, and then he led Summi to the beach. She might as well have been tied to him by a leash.
I watched them go, then waited an hour, until the bell sounded to call everyone back. The more dutiful inmates came trotting up, but Summi was not among them. I waited until I could wait no more. I felt a terrible heaviness: she wasn't coming. It had been stupid to hope that what she'd really wanted for herself, was to be with me.
I was the last to enter the courtyard, just managing to slip through as the monks closed the gates. Master Yi caught my eye and smiled, but I couldn't respond: I was too miserable to care whether the old man thought good of me or ill. We were down to just ten inmates, and I gave an audible sigh when the curtains were removed from the statue. Then I sat the full two hours, barely hearing the termination bell, and I sat on for another hour, then another and another, quite alone - just me and that damned statue. Jackson was right - there was something insulting about that smile.
Darkness fell and still I sat. Then Sister Jade appeared carrying a candle which she placed before the statue, so that its features became animated in the dancing light. It was strange - it was only candle light but it caused the smile to become a frown at times, before letting it flicker back into a smile again, sometimes mirthful, sometimes serene.
She did not leave me, but sat to one side, as if waiting. And then, quietly, she said: "Anger will not bring a resolution. As a solver of puzzles you should know this. The more angry we are, the further away we move from what it is we want."
"Yea? Well, I also know that when there's anger you should purge it, and that's what I'm doing."
"One can never purge anger, Jamjar, only find the means to rise above it. Why haven't you moved your belongings to the apartment yet?"
"Because it's a trap. There are people up there so content they can't even remember how long they've been here."
"Is contentment not a kind of freedom?"
"Not when they're so content they're afraid to risk being truly free."
She nodded. "You were wise not to take that path. Master Yi has instructed me to admit you to the next level. If you are willing, please meet me by the fishpond tomorrow morning."
I shook my head. "No more levels. No more making me think I'm important, when I'm not. There could be ten levels or a hundred maybe, but they're all false."
"Just because one path leads to a trap, it does not mean all others paths are the same."
"Yes they are. None of your paths lead anywhere. Freedom's simpler than all of that. It comes from here. I might take a hundred years, or it could happen in a moment. So,.. no thanks."
"I can only show you the way. It is for you to choose whether or not to take it."
She rose to leave, but I remained, still burning inside. Then she said: "She was coming, you know?"
"What? Who?"
"Summi. She had made her choice, and was coming, but you know how weak she is. She fainted climbing the path from the beach - too much swimming perhaps?"
She'd been coming to me. I felt a wave of elation that was immediately swallowed down by guilt and worry. "Is she all right?"
"She's resting in the infirmary. She'll be all right."
"Only if she can stay clean."
"She has already taken the first step by choosing what it is that she wants."
"You won't trick her with the apartments, will you?"
"No," she said. "That is not her path."
She left me then, but still I remained, although I realized now my anger had gone - not purged or spent, but magically resolved. Summi had found a way of defying Jackson. She had risen from the sea and been coming to me. Then I caught the smile on the statue. It seemed steady now and for once it matched my mood. I actually felt like that smile. The smile summed me up and I copied it, mirroring the smile upon my own lips, and letting out a deep sigh. The smile came inside of me, smiling love and warmth into every atom of my body. Then something within me moved and realized Master Yi had told the truth: it was something that could not be shown, or explained.
Only felt.
When I finally returned to the dorms, Jackson was waiting, sitting on my bunk. "Long session, buddy?" There was an edge to his voice. If Summi had walked away from him, then his ego would be hurting, and he'd need someone to take it out on. But what if he'd known it was me who'd put her up to it?
"Hi Jackson. Look, I heard the monks took Summi."
"Did they?" Jackson didn't seem concerned - that was good then?
"It's what I heard," I went on. "Anyway,… I think I've worked it out. I know how we can all get out of here."
But Jackson wasn't listening. "I'll get Janine to swim with us tomorrow."
"Janine?"
"New girl - dark hair, gorgeous ass."
"Ah!" Summi was forgotten then. "But, I was saying,.."
"I know what you're saying Jamjar, but that's all bullshit, do you understand? This meditation stuff, it's just a way for them to control us. Well I'm swimming in the morning, buddy, and so are you. No more of this crap, right? You wanna rest, you sleep on the beach."
And it came to me then, why it was that Jackson liked having me around - because there was nothing like a scrawny guy for making a muscular one look good in front a woman.
"Sure, Jackson." I'd got away with it then - just about and the only thing eating Jackson was the same as always, his need to push people around in order to feel good about himself.
In the morning I asked one of the monks if I could see Summi but I was pol
itely refused. She was mending the guy assured me, and I would see her soon. Then I was reminded that Sister Jade was waiting by the fishpond.
I made my way up slowly, thinking I'd perhaps join Jackson on the beach later, but Jackson didn't seem so polite any more, and I'd a funny feeling our days as buddies were numbered. I arrived to find Sister Jade sitting with Master Yi, the pair of them conversing quietly by the water. A few inmates were lounging in the early sunshine, but there was a cool, comfortable emptiness about the place.
Escape From Paradise Island Page 2
