Unless you are a fairly old person, or prone to smoking crack while driving, there is a pretty good chance that I will be dead before you will. You may one day see my obit in the newspapers. It will be a modest obit, and because obit writers love irony, it will center on this book and how I gamely predicted my own death, joked about it, won the Nobel Prize for literature, etc. It will no doubt mention my final deathbed words, which I have been planning for years and fully intend to say. They are:
“I should have spent more time at the office.”
So. Let’s say you are reading the obit and wondering, you know, hey, wait a minute, is there an afterlife? Is there any meaning to all of this? Can ol’ Gene send me a signal?
What are you—stupid? I’ll be dead.
1 If Things Doctors Tell you were, say, foods, “Gene, something showed up in your tests” would be pralines-and-mackerel ice cream.
2 How much would it take for you to eat your own poop? Would $2,000 do the trick? My dentist told me of a patient with two false teeth who accidentally swallowed his bridge. His choice was to buy a new one for $2,000 or wait for the old one to emerge, clean it up as well as possible, and pop it back into his mouth. He chose option two.
3 This is not a home improvement book, but while I am on the subject, let me just say that it is not the wisest strategy to pay off a contractor before he completes the job. It is counterproductive. It is like roasting a chicken, seasoning it to perfection, and then attempting to swallow it whole.
4 Also, I attended Woodstock. My roommate and I slept in a tent constructed in the following manner: A tennis ball was placed in the center of a disposable plastic painter’s drop cloth and cinched with a rubber band. This was hung from a tree. The corners of the drop cloth were fastened to the ground with forks. These were among the finest accommodations available at Woodstock.
5 Other ridiculously inappropriate names: “Fred” Astaire, “Gladys” Knight, “Humphrey” Bogart.
6 Food analogy, continued: “You will feel a little pressure now” is chicken soda.
7 Advice: Nonalcoholic beer is a concession best left unmade. Calling it beer is like calling an aphid a bald eagle.
8 Part of the reason my parents never suspected was that I attended the Bronx High School of Science, a nerd mecca. (Motto: “Our Eyeglasses Are as Thick as Sealy PosturepedicR Mattresses.”)
Bibliography
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Index
abdominal pain, 124-33
diagnosis of, 126-31
questions about, 131-33
referred, 126, 128-31
Adams, John, 32-33
AIDS, 97, 143, 164, 194-96
alcohol consumption, 190
flushed face after, 70
Hodgkin’s disease and, 121
Alcoholics Anonymous, 112
alcoholism, 29n, 112-15
self-diagnosis of, 113, 114-15
signs of, 113
Alice in Wonderland syndrome, 93
alternative medicine, 28-29
Alternative Medicine Digest, 193
Alvarez, W.C., 32
Alzheimer’s disease, 71
ameloblastoma, 75
American Diabetes Association, 51
American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology, 172
amyloidosis, 129
amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s disease), 91n
angina pectoris, 110
angioplasty, 109
ankylosing spondylitis, 166
Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine (Gould and Pyle), 151n
anterior uveitis, 165-66
anthrax, 66
aortic aneurysm, 110, 129
Apley rule, 127
apnea, obstructive sleep, 74-75
apoplexy, 43
appendicitis, 29-30, 127, 130, 154
fallopian tube vs., 50
tapeworm vs. 79n
armpit, pain in, 26
arrhenoblastoma, 132n
Art and Science of Bedside Diagnosis, The (Sapira), 119n
arthritis, 141, 143, 154, 166
asparagus, urine smell affected by, 54
Au-Henkind test, 165
Babinski sign, 97
bacteria, 176
flesh-eating, 52-53
bad breath, 72-73
Barnard, Christiaan, 109
Barry, Dave, 15-19, 195
Bass, Henry E., 169
Batista, Randas, 110
beer potomania, 29n, 113
Behcet’s syndrome, 166
Bernstein, Carl, 182
biological weapons, 66
bitrochanteric lipodystrophy, 104n
black stools, 176
blahs, 71
Blumenfield, Hal, 93
Boswell, James, 33
bowel problems, 65, 130, 170-80
diarrhea, 175-76
foreign objects as, 172-74
irritable bowel syndrome, 144, 175
stools and, 176-77 see also constipation; farting
brain, 87, 91-101
alcoholism and, 113
central herniation of, 73
central pontine myelinolysis of, 42
infections of, 79, 100
intelligence and size of, 45
pineal gland of, 80
questions about, 99-101
s
eizures and, 69, 78
spongiform, 95-96
worms in, 79
brain tumors, 64, 71, 78, 79, 92-95, 99, 108, 167
déjà vu and, 69
lipstick on one’s teeth and, 70-71
optic nerve bulge as symptom of, 61
schwannoma, 67
sweating as symptom of, 60
yawning and, 73
breathing, 108, 126, 178, 180
bronchiectasis, 106, 108
Brooker, Philip, 16
burnt match, smell of, 92
Burr, Aaron, 45
Bush, George, 184
calculus, 86
cancer, 54, 60, 68, 70, 106, 108, 112, 114, 116-23, 130, 147, 153, 155, 156, 167, 176, 177, 183-85
alternative medicine for, 29
creepiest form of, 122
cures for, 49, 53
diagnosis of, 120-21
doctor’s euphemisms for, 86
farting as cause of, 180
fig poultice for, 45
itching and, 68-69
joke about, 118
metastatic, 118, 122, 140
silliest forms of, 121-22
carcinoid syndrome, 70
carpal tunnel syndrome, test for, 24
Caruso, Enrico, 32
Cavett, Dick, 34
Cecil Textbook of Medicine, The (Claude and Plum), 104
Cermak, Anton, 131
Chagas’s disease, 177
Charles II, King of England, 43n
Chinese restaurant syndrome, 81-82
chloroma, 121
cholecystitis, 126, 129
cholera, 50-51, 175-76
chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), 29n, 144
cirrhosis, 69, 74, 193
Cleveland, Grover, 76
clostridial myonecrosis (gas gangrene), 137
clubhing, fingertip, 105
colds, 34-35, 191
dire explanations for, 66
neglected, death caused by, 57-58
cold sores, 67-68
conception, tranquillity at moment of, 45
confabulation, 78
conjunctivitis, 165, 166
gonococcal, 163-64
constipation, 130, 155, 175, 177
arsenic treatment for, 45
of Japanese women, 170-71
coronan’ artery disease, 105
coronary bypass, 109-10
cor pulmonale, 75
Cottage Physician, The (Post et al.), 44-45
coughs, 103n
heroin treatment for, 45
crepitus, 139
Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, 95-96, 98
Crohn’s disease (regional ileitis), 130-31
Crosby, Norm, 93
cysticercosis, 79
Davis, Eric, 117
death, 45-46, 59, 73, 92, 113, 140, 143, 155, 156, 157, 175, 176, 177, 181-97
abdominal pain and, 129, 130, 131, 132
afterlife and, 196-97
as “bad result,” 90
from cancer, 116, 117, 120, 153
as “cessation of vital signs,” 76
from heart attacks, 109, 110, 111
ironic, 58n
last words at, 77, 197
neglected colds as cause of, 57-58
by pickles, 46
by suicide, 35, 191
decapitation, consciousness after, 99
déjà vu, 69
dementia, 43, 71, 143
diabetes, 72, 97, 134, 154
historical treatment of, 44
suddenly increased incidence of, 51-52
diarrhea, 175-76
diverticulitis, 127, 130
diverticulosis, 177
doctors, 31-32, 37, 41-46, 55-59, 63, 64, 67, 76, 79, 85, 141n
ancient Greek, 31
arrogance of, 43-46
creative euphemisms of, 77, 83-90
family, 56-58
gastroenterologists, 126-28
goat as fee of, 47
harm done by, 42, 88
Hippocratic oath of, 42
historical quackery of, 43-46, 51
humor in, 160n
laissez-faire attitude in, 56-57
misdiagnosis by, 42-43
mnemonic devices of, 99n
obstetricians, 150, 151, 153
oncologists, 116-18
on rounds, 85
surgical errors of, 50
Dukakis, Michael, 184
Duvall, Shelley, 99
dyspnea, 37
earlobes, 119
crease in, 105
ears, ringing in, 67
eclampsia, 155
edema, test for, 109
elephantiasis, 33
embryonal carcinoma, 153
emergency rooms, 75, 111
screening tests in, 38, 94-95
encephalitis, 37, 62, 73, 79, 166, 167
herpes simplex, 100
endocarditis, 104, 106
enemas:
marshmallow, 44
turpentine and stinkweed, 44-45
epididymis, 119
epidural injections, 151
episiotomies, 151
erythema multiforme (Stevens-Johnson syndrome), 71
esoneuroblastoma, 74
esophagus, 106, 112, 147
eyelid tics, 22-23, 91, 113
eyes, 61, 127, 158-69, 171
diagnostic tests for, 164-65, 168
disorders of, 56-57, 161-67, 168
floaters in, 60-61, 164, 166
medical books about, 163-64
eyes (continued)
objects causing blindness of, 159-60
questions about, 168-69
structure of, 160-61
surgery for, 162-63
fallopian tubes, 50, 156
farsightedness, 161, 164
fart-absorbing seat cushion, 178
farting, 139, 177-80
breathing and, 178, 180
cancer caused by, 180
through penis, 122n
sulfur gases in, 179-80
fat, body, 48, 104n, 134-37
fatal familial insomnia, 65-66
fetal monsters, 157
fever blisters, 67-68
fibromyalgia, 143-46
diagnostic pressure points in, 144-46
fig poultices, 45, 51
Fixx, Jim, ironic death of, 58n
flesh-eating bacteria, 52-53
floaters, eye, 60-61, 164, 166
floating stools, 177
“Floating Stools: Flatus vs. Fat” (Levitt), 178
flushed face, 70
Fox, Henry, 117-18
Freud, Sigmund, 100
frog in stomach, 32
gallbladder disease, 86, 126, 127, 129, 176-77
gargantuan stools, 177
gas gangrene, 137
George Washington University Medical Center, 111
giggle incontinence, 66
glaucoma, 165
God, notable mistakes by, 151n
gonococcal conjunctivitis, 163-64
Greeks, ancient, 31
groin, pain in, 58-59
Guillain-Barré syndrome, 68, 81
Hadrian, Emperor, 105
hair loss, 44
hallucinations, 92-94
Hanot’s cirrhosis, 69
Harding, Warren, 43
headaches, 61, 62, 77-82, 121
crudest, 82
environmental causes of, 78-79
stupid medical names for, 81-82
symptom chart for, 79-81
headline, funniest, 157
heart, 106
cancer of, 122-23
mitral valve prolapse of, 103-5
heart attacks, 49, 64, 72, 75, 86, 109-11, 126, 147
heart disease, 75, 102-11, 112, 134, 154, 155
diagnostic tests for, 24, 105-6, 108-9
ischemic, 110
neglected colds and, 57-58
surgery for, 109-10
thumbs lost to, 104, 105
heel-shin test, 98
Hel
en Keller Eye Research Foundation, 159
hemochromatosis, 131-33
hepatitis, 129, 155, 186-87
hepatitis C, 186, 187-97
interferon treatment of, 190-92, 193
hernias, 103
herpes simplex virus, 67-68, 100
herpes zoster ophthalmicus, 56-57
hiccups, 64-65
Hippocratic oath, 42
hoarseness, 70
Hodgkin’s disease, 68, 129
alcohol consumption and, 121
Hogg, Thomas, 33
hog slop, blindness caused by, 159
home pregnancy tests, 152-53
homosexuality, 38, 194-96
humerus, 160n
Huntington’s chorea, 91n
hyperemesis gravidarum, 155
hypernatremia, 42
hyperorality, 100
hypochondria, 21-40
books for, 27-29
control desired in, 59
cure for, 24, 55, 105, 185
family crises and, 61-62
famous people afflicted by, 32-35
increased incidence of, 47-53
irresistible diseases in, 96
knowledge sought in, 59-60
mental factors in, 36-40
origin of term, 31
physical sensitivity in, 125
potentially fatal nature of, 35
referred pain and, 126
self-diagnosis in, 23-24
self-exam for, 24-27
transferability of, 61
validation sought in, 85
hysteria, 44, 94
Histories (Showalter), 29n
ice cream headache, 82
ileitis, regional (Crohn’s disease), 130-31
incontinence, 98n
giggle, 66
infections, 79, 100, 137, 143, 176
inframammary ridge, 119
Ingelfinger, Franz J., 178
insomnia, 65-66
insurance, medical, 32, 47-8, 133
interferon, 190-92, 193
ironic deaths, 58n
irritable bowel syndrome, 144, 175
itching, 68-69
jamais vu, 69
Japanese women, 170-71
jargon aphasia, 93
jaw, 58, 75-76
Joffroy’s sign, 165
Judd, Naomi, 193
karate chop to neck, 99
Kentucky, University of, 96
ketoacidosis, 72
kidney failure, 64, 66, 72, 108, 154
kidney stones, 86, 126
kissing, 127n
Kluver-Bucy syndrome, 100
Korman, Louis Y, 188-92
kuru, 95
kyphoscoliosis, 108
The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. and Death. Page 18
