The eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen, man's hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report, what my dream was.
—William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
Dear Diary,
I spent my life feeling so alone, so different from others. Even within my own coven, I was shunned for my dark gift. This school has opened my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities. These children and teens with extraordinary abilities have shared many heartbreaking stories of their lives before coming here. For so long I've drifted, unsure of my future, lacking ambition, or at least lacking focus for my ambition. But as I watch these kids, not much younger than myself, work so hard to master their powers, to carve a niche for themselves in a world fast to reject them, a new yearning has taken hold in my heart.
If I can gain control of my own powers, maybe I can help them do the same.
MORNING STARTED EARLY at the school for paranormals. Derek, Ocean and I joined everyone in a large cafeteria for breakfast, which consisted of an open fruit bar, whole grain muffins, eggs, bacon, sausage and freshly squeezed orange juice.
Surrounded by students hurrying to get to their classes, the chaos and energy of the early rush filled me with a giddy optimism. Their zest for life was contagious, and I wanted to be a part of it.
Derek caught me staring at my engagement ring as I popped a grape into my mouth.
His lips brushed against my ear lobe, sending shivers up my spine. "Having second thoughts?"
"Never." I held his hand, enjoying how strong and big they were compared to mine. "I was just thinking about this place, and about our future, about what I want to do with my life. What would you think about someday working here, with these kids?"
He kissed my fingers. "I think you would make an amazing teacher, and I'm sure we could find ways to help here. It's definitely worth talking about."
A small finger tapped on my shoulder, and I turned to face a tiny girl with long blond hair and the biggest eyes I'd ever seen. She looked like a doll, and the white cat we'd seen the day before curled around her legs, purring.
I smiled at her. "Hi."
She smiled back, her cheeks dimpling as she did. "Hi. Are you Rose?"
"Yes, I am. What's your name?"
"I'm Serena. Father Patrick asked me to tell you that when you're done eating, he'd like to see you by the weeping willow for training."
Did he know that tree spoke to me in song? "Thank you. I'm nearly finished."
She took a step to leave, then stopped and turned back at me. "Are you sick?"
Her question surprised me. "No, I don't think so. Why do you ask?"
"I… I'm sorry if that was rude. It's just, my power is buzzing, and that usually means the person is sick and needs healing. Do you need healing?"
My heart pounded in my chest. "Are you a healer?"
She nodded, her long curls bobbing around her pale face.
"Can you tell what needs healing in me?" My palms slickened with sweat as I waited for her answer.
"No, ma'am. Just, something feels broken inside you. Does it hurt? The thing that's broken?"
Could she be talking about my dark gift? "Sometimes, yes. But that's why I'm here, to get help. To see if I can fix it."
"I hope they can. I don't want you to hurt anymore. Everyone here is super nice. They'll help you, I'm sure. They've helped all of us. But sometimes things hurt no matter how much you heal them."
I wanted to pull this little girl into my lap and take away all of her pain, but instead I reached for her hand and squeezed it. "You're right. Not all pain can be fixed. Time can help heal most pain, though. How long have you lived here?"
She was too young to have a story, but I could see in her eyes that she did.
"Just a few months. My dad was a guard at the bad school, but he didn't know it was bad. Then he was killed and they came and killed my mommy too and took me away to another really bad place. But Sam and Drake and Father Patrick, they saved all us kids from that bad man."
This time I gave in to my urge and pulled her into a hug. "You're a very brave girl, and I'm so sorry you've had so much sadness in your life. I'm glad you're safe now."
With a tiny finger, she brushed a tear off my cheek that I didn't realize was there. "You'll be safe soon too, I think. I have to go to class now, but it was nice meeting you, Rose."
"You too, Serena."
She spun off, with her cat following behind her, and I leaned on Derek's shoulder.
He stroked my hand and kissed my head. "When this is all over and we're married, we'll talk to Father Patrick about working here and helping these kids. I'm pretty sure Rose Botanicals will be starting a lot of new scholarship programs as well."
Once again, I couldn't believe that I was a part of this amazing family.
Father Patrick and Drake sat in a meditative pose as Derek and I arrived for my training. My conversation with Serena weighed heavy on me as I considered how broken I must be to set off that little girl's powers in such a way. For the first time, I considered the possibility that the problem wasn't just my inability to control my powers. Maybe there was something wrong with them. Ever since I was a little girl, I'd fantasize about what it would be like to have different abilities, to be like Ocean or even Jasmine. To be anything other than what I was.
Derek sat next to me, and we faced the two men, who looked relaxed and peaceful.
"Is it all right if I stay?" Derek asked.
It didn't occur to me he would leave. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of going through this without him, and I gripped his hand harder.
Father Patrick looked at me. "It's up to Rose. This is her training."
"I'd like him to stay. I'm really nervous about doing anything involving my dark gift, and this affects him more than anyone." As if they wouldn't already know the state of my panicked mind.
The priest's eyebrow rose. "You consider it your dark gift?"
"Definitely dark. But really, more like a curse. There's no good that can come of what I do. It's not like other powers, where it can be used for good or bad, depending on how it's wielded. This power is evil, through and through." The pitch of my voice rose as emotion took over. "All it does is send people to hell, or at least a hell-like dimension of some kind. Even if I use it in true self-defense, against someone horrible, I wouldn't want to trap their soul in a demon plane forever. I never even knew demons were real!"
"Demons are indeed real, just as angels and all manner of supernatural creatures. You are marrying into a family of Shifters, guardians of the ancient ways, and you are a witch with unusual powers. But these labels do not make anyone good or bad, in the traditional way of seeing things." As Father Patrick spoke, he intertwined his long fingers together, as if in prayer.
"Surely demons are evil, regardless." I'd learned that much, at least.
"Not necessarily. As you explore this world more deeply, you'll find more shades of gray than black and white."
I studied the man before me, who could have played a priest in one of those movies with an anti-Christ and dark powers. He would have been the righteous priest, committed to saving the world at any cost. He looked the part, but… "You don't sound like a priest."
He chuckled. "What do priests sound like, my dear?"
"I don't know. I've never actually known a real one, but I assumed they'd be more fire and brimstone types, with strong opinions about heaven and hell and good verses evil."
"Oh, I have strong opinions, they just don't match what others of my cloth might have. Now, as to your particular gift, I've been doing some research, and the first approach I'd like to take is meditation to see if we can tap into that power and explore it more. Are you willing?"
I shrugged. "Sure, but I doubt it'll work. I've meditated before."
"I've asked Drake to join us for this. He's training to help in special cases, such as yours, and his gifts give him a unique ability that I think will help you in thi
s. You might be surprised."
Meditation required a calm mind and mine was anything but. A fly landed on my nose, tickling it. My ears grew numb with cold. Something that felt like ants crawled into my jean cuffs and made me itch. It seemed nature was intent on distracting me. Despite Father Patrick's guidance and soothing words, despite whatever power Drake brought to the mix, and despite Derek's presence to my right, I couldn't relax or concentrate.
My dark gift stayed locked away, hidden from any effort to coax it out for a little chat.
A feather tickled the back of my neck. When I slapped at it, someone giggled. I whipped my head around, but saw no one.
Drake glanced at me, then behind me. "Toby, show yourself."
Before my eyes, a scrawny boy materialized from nowhere with an impish grin on his face. "Yo, Drake. This is bo-ring. Come hang."
He said 'boring' in two exaggerated syllables and had a city kid street thug kind of accent.
"Toby, I'm helping this lady with her powers. Do you remember what we talked about?" Drake's voice held firm, but with kindness and patience.
I could tell he worked a lot with the boy, who clearly came from a troubled background. Remembering Serena's story, my heart softened for him.
"Yeah, I remember. No popping in when you're working. Sorry, man. It's just crazy dull today. Everyone's all like studying and shit."
His vulgarity took me by surprise, but didn't seem to faze anyone else, even the priest.
"Perhaps you should consider that a hint and work on your own lessons," Drake suggested.
"Man, I knew you was going to say that. Yo, whateve, I'm outta here." He disappeared again.
Drake spoke in his general direction. "I'll check your work tonight. Remember to ask for help from your classmates if you need it."
When the invisible stomping of feet faded out, Drake apologized. "He grew up on the streets, as you probably guessed. His mother died in front of him, and he never knew his father. This is the first home he's known, and the first time he's gone to school. It's an adjustment."
"You're really amazing with him. It must be so rewarding, working with these kids." I wondered what role I could play here, if any at all. Would they even want someone with such violent powers?
Drake smiled. "It is. We could use more adults who understand what it's like to be different, but we do the best with what we have."
Could he read my mind like his wife? Or did I project my emotions about being here so strongly? Either way, the news gave me something to look forward to.
If I could figure out how to control my powers.
Big, gigantic, impossible 'if'.
"This isn't working," I admitted. "Nothing's happening. Other than an unnatural amount of itching and scratching."
Father Patrick turned to Drake. "Do you sense anything, son?"
Drake closed his eyes. "She's divided. Parts of her feel broken off from others, like she's in a battle with herself."
A wave of nausea hit me as the truth of his words settled in. Serena must have felt what Drake was now feeling. What I had always felt, but had never given voice to.
With a nod, Father Patrick stood and gestured for me to follow him to the pond by the weeping willow. "Look into water as you meditate this time. Allow yourself to see your true reflection, to see all parts of you."
Derek and Drake stood behind us, watching and waiting.
I sat on the edge of the water and looked at my wobbly reflection. Unsure of what I was supposed to be doing exactly, I just stared into my own eyes and willed my inner self to get on board and play along.
In a moment, similar to the kind you have when you're laying in your bed trying to sleep, and then you wake up, with no memory of having fallen asleep, I lost time.
When my eyes opened, the form reflected back at me had changed. Instead of my face, a dark smudge of shadow glared back. The water rippled as the reflection gained substance and pushed itself out of the water, grabbing hold of my jacket and pulling me in with it.
I screamed, but water flooded my throat, stale and full of dead things. Clamping my mouth shut, I fought to find the surface, to find air, but a hand on my ankle pulled me back in until I faced my shadow.
Like black ink dropped in water, the shadow's form changed with the currents, but always maintained the rough aspects of a human shape, with gaping holes for eyes and a mouth.
I fought it, kicking and punching to free myself, but my hands slid right through the oily substance of the body, despite her ability to hold solidly to me. Fear clenched my heart like a vice as the certainty of my death paralyzed me.
I'd just found the love of my life.
Just discovered a place I might belong.
Just embraced hope for a better future.
And now I would die.
Its mouth opened in a scream, wide and long and so full of rage as to consume the whole world.
My body trembled. The air around me changed, and I realized it was my mouth screaming as Derek shook me, yelling at Father Patrick and Drake to stop whatever they were doing.
"You're killing her! Let her go!"
Father Patrick chanted in a language I didn't understand as I tried to close my mouth, to shove back into it the vomitus rage that had been released.
I clung to Derek, dry and safe, still sitting near the water, and terrified of what had just happened. "I saw my dark gift. She's horrifying. That can't be me." My sobs strangled my words until they sounded like hiccups. "I'm evil. This proves I'm evil. I shouldn't be here, or around kids. You shouldn't marry me."
Derek stroked my hair and whispered soothing nothings into my ear until I calmed down and could breathe again.
Father Patrick rested his hand on mine. "You're not evil. Your soul is pure, that much I can see. Whatever lives inside of you, we will learn to understand it together. Every person here has their own dark struggles. They may not manifest in quite the same way as yours, but we all have them. It's what we do with those dark edges that make us who we are."
The sun had come out, bright and big in the sky, so inexplicable, this weather in December. In normal times, we'd be preparing for Christmas, and getting ready to celebrate the winter solstice, a powerful day for witches. Now, as I leaned against the weeping willow and listened to her sing, I wondered what this holiday would bring. Would I destroy my new love and life with this dark part of me that seemed so bent on death and pain?
Derek had reluctantly stayed behind to teach some of the kids martial arts moves, allowing me much needed space to think. Ocean and Sam had bonded and were off playing with the baby.
And I stood here, alone, empty save for the horror I'd finally met. A new guilt stole into my heart as I considered the possibility that my victims had seen that monster before being pulled into a demon realm.
Another presence joined me, and I turned to see Drake standing a few feet away. He looked more like a surfer than a wise man in training, but he had a calmness about him that relaxed me.
"Do you mind if I join you for a moment?" He seemed ready to leave if I asked.
"I'm not very good company to be around right now."
"That's okay. You don't have to pretend to be anything you're not around here. We're all human, more-or-less, and at the end of the day, we all understand what it feels like."
"Do you? You didn't see what I saw. The evil that lives inside of me. How is that anything like being able to make fire or disappear?" I didn't mean to diminish the pain of others, but I doubt they were sending people to hell and being drowned by an evil shadow living inside of them.
"It's not the same, you're right. But many of us have gone through our own kind of hell, being genetically experimented on, forced pregnancies, and so much more."
I dropped my head in shame. "You're right. I'm sorry. I can't imagine these kids suffering through something like that."
"I don't say it to make you feel bad, just to help you understand that there are many kinds of hell and many forms of shadows. You migh
t be surprised to learn some of our stories." He sat down on the bench, and I joined him.
"I hope to hear more of them, someday."
He smiled a secret smile. "You will. I've seen glimpses of what's to come—at least one version of it. Have a little faith."
I'd forgotten that part of his gift involved Seeing. Did that mean I did have a chance at happiness after all?
"Rose, do you mind if I offer a suggestion?"
"Fire away. I'm at a total loss."
"We can't kill off a part of ourselves without killing ourselves. When you fought the shadow under water, you were fighting yourself. That never ends well. I remember a video game I played when I was a kid. I had to fight my shadow self with a sword, and no matter how good I was, or how skilled, I always lost. It took me forever, but I finally figured out the trick to winning."
My breath caught. "What was the trick?"
"I had to put away the sword."
TWENTY
Reason and Love
DEREK
"And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.
—William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
THE CANDLES FLICKERED in our temporary room, setting the mood for what I had in mind as I waited for Rose to return.
She feared her powers and she feared hurting me, I understood that. But it was time to move past fear and take a few risks. I wasn't just human; I was Druid and Shifter. I had my own powers, my own source of energy.
I practiced my speech one last time, and got half way through it when she opened the door and walked in. Her eyes looked too bright, like she'd been crying.
Every time I saw her she took my breath away. Not just her outer beauty, which she had plenty of, but the light inside her soul drew me to her. I couldn't stand being apart from her now that she was finally mine.
With long strides I walked to her and pulled her into my arms, crushing her against my chest and breathing in the scent of her strawberry shampoo. "I'm glad you're back." I put distance between us so I could make eye contact. "Are you okay?"
Seduced by Pain: A New Adult Paranormal Romance of Shifters & Witches (Rose's Trilogy, #2) (The Seduced Saga) Page 8
