by Hannah Ellis
“She is awful sometimes,” I said, deadpan. “What a cow.”
“But why does she think I need an invitation? Is she trying to make a point about all the times I come around without being invited? Like every Friday night for the past ten years! I’m family. Why do I suddenly need an invite?”
“Well, you’re not actually family,” I reminded her.
“They’re your family, and I’m your family, so I’m related to them through you.”
“Just two small flaws to that equation,” I said flatly. “I’m not related to them or you!”
“I’m your best friend!” she said, outraged. “We’re bound by the knowledge of each other’s deepest secrets and most embarrassing moments. It’s more of a tie than blood, that is. And of course Mel and Rob are your family. You say the weirdest things sometimes. I don’t know why you insist on identifying as a poor little orphan girl.”
“I don’t!” I spluttered. Heidi stared at me, her eyebrows at odd angles. “I’m not even an orphan,” I mumbled. “I have a father somewhere.”
Heidi settled herself back into the couch. “Let’s talk about him.”
“Let’s not.” Sometimes I wished I’d never mentioned my father to Heidi. The snippets of information I’d found out about him before Mum died had played on my mind for a while, and I’d confided in Heidi at the time. I still knew little more than his name. Heidi had been more excited by the revelation than me. She’d spent time searching for him on the internet but hadn’t found out much, other than that he still lived in Australia – where my mum had met him. Heidi had wanted to get on the first plane and go track him down. The more Heidi encouraged me, the more I laughed it off as a crazy idea. After all, I’d managed perfectly well without a father for twenty-one years; why did I need one now?
Because you don’t have a mother any more, the annoying voice inside my head reminded me.
“We should pack in our jobs and go search him out,” Heidi said excitedly. She suggested this approximately once a week. “We could do with an adventure.”
“Come on,” I said, pulling the door. “Let’s clean some hotel rooms. That’s quite enough adventure for me.”
Heidi followed with a sigh. “You’re really boring. If you’d listen to me sometimes we’d have way more fun!”
I decided a change of conversation was needed. “So, you’re coming for dinner tonight?”
“I don’t know. It’s awkward now Mel’s invited me. I feel like I’d have to bring something – flowers or a pudding or something. It’s not good etiquette to turn up empty-handed if someone’s invited you for dinner.”
“You’re probably right!”
“Sod it. I’ll just come, shall I? If she’s expecting flowers she’ll just have to be disappointed.”
Chapter 6
LIBBY – July 2017
I thought I’d done so well. It was as though I’d switched my emotions off. Actually, it was better than that; I’d been cheerful and happy, and I hadn’t even thought about biting anyone’s head off. Apparently that’s how my grief usually channelled its way out of me.
Heidi had come home with me after work and we’d helped Mel cook. The six of us had eaten dinner together and – ignoring the sympathetic half-smiles that Aunt Mel kept giving me – it was the usual mix of chatting, bickering and laughing. Mum would have been proud of us.
Josh left as soon as he’d eaten. It was Friday night and he was off to a friend’s house to play computer games. That was the story, anyway. He’d actually be going to a pub to indulge in some underage drinking. Mel and Rob knew that too, though went along with the pretence that he was soberly sitting at a friend’s house under parental supervision. It was fairly standard behaviour for a seventeen-year-old.
Heidi didn’t hang around long either. She offered to stay and watch films with me, but I knew she was dying to get out and meet up with the guy who she’d been dating for a few weeks. I told her I was tired, absolving her of best friend duties.
It was when I was alone in my room that evening that the silent tears appeared, as though a tap had been turned on. I ached for my mum, and the grief wrapped itself around my throat, making it hard to breathe. Burying my head in the pillow, I waited for the feelings to pass, as they always did, eventually.
Surprisingly, I managed to calm down without slipping tearfully into an emotionally exhausted slumber. I dragged myself from the bed and rooted in the wardrobe for the photo album which I’d avoided looking at for more than six months. After Mum died, I’d spent hours poring over it, until I’d decided it was becoming an unhealthy obsession and forced myself to leave it alone. I was suddenly drawn to it again and sat on the floor hunched over as I slowly turned the pages.
I’d looked through the album so many times, it was like looking at old friends. Joe Sullivan’s smiling face was etched into my brain. I’d searched his face for some part of myself. Despite us having the same hair and eye colour, I struggled to see any real resemblance. His blonde hair was a similar shade to mine, but his was straight and smooth whereas mine was frizzy.
I didn’t even know if Joe Sullivan knew I existed. Had he known and wanted nothing to do with me? Or had Mum never told him about me? She hadn’t managed to tell me the details, but the way she spoke his name made him sound like the loveliest man on earth. So why wouldn’t she have told him about me? Why had she left Australia and never looked back? It didn’t make sense.
I needed to know, I realised. The questions had niggled at me for a year, and I began to understand that they would never go away. The unanswered questions would eat away at me until I couldn’t take it any more. I had to do what Mum had asked and find this mysterious Joe Sullivan. She had told me a few days before she passed away that I should find him. Up until then, I’d dismissed it as a drug-induced deathbed request which could definitely be ignored.
I snapped the album shut, scooped it up and went downstairs. Alfie was already in bed and the house was still for once.
“Do you want a drink?” Rob asked as we met at the bottom of the stairs. He had a beer in one hand and a red wine in the other.
“No thanks,” I replied, following him into the living room.
“I thought you were already asleep,” Mel said, managing to avoid asking if I was okay.
“Do you know anything about my father?” I asked. Mel’s eyes darted from the TV to me. Rob hit mute and the room fell silent. “I think this is him,” I told Mel, perching beside her on the couch and opening the photo album to a picture of Joe; he was sitting on a bar stool and beaming at the camera.
I’d never shown Mel the album or told her that Mum had spoken to me about my father. She calmly took the album from me and flicked through it. Rob hovered, glancing at the photos with an odd look on his face.
“This is from when she was in Australia,” Mel mused without looking at me. She closed the book to look at the cover before turning the pages once more. The puzzled look on her face told me she didn’t have any answers for me. “Why do you think he’s your father?”
“Mum told me before she died . . .”
Mel looked sympathetic. “You know she didn’t always know what she was saying at the end, don’t you?”
“Yeah. But she was adamant about this. She told me to find him. She talked about this little town in Australia. She wanted me to go.”
Mel’s smile was condescending but she said nothing, just scanned the photos.
“You must know something,” I prompted. “She was your best friend. She must have told you.”
“She should have told me,” Mel said. “It was one of the only things that ever caused any real friction between us. She wouldn’t tell me, and it hurt me that she wouldn’t confide in me. She used to say she’d gone home with some guy after a night out. I didn’t believe she couldn’t remember anything about him, that she couldn’t track him down somehow.”
“So you think this guy could be my dad?”
She shrugged. “She was different when she ca
me back from Australia. We weren’t as close. I always thought she felt sorry for me – she’d been on this big adventure and I’d stayed here, getting on with my boring life.”
“Thanks!” Rob said, from the arm of the couch.
She smiled up at him. “We’d planned to go to Australia together, but then I met Rob and changed my mind. She was annoyed but went alone. When she got back, things weren’t the same. I was shocked when I found out she was pregnant. She kept to herself and I barely saw her. Then she called me after you were born and we got back to how we had been.”
She paused, deep in thought. “Whenever I asked her about your father she’d clam up and wouldn’t talk about it. Eventually, I realised it was something I would never know and accepted it. I stopped asking.”
“This is him,” I said, touching the familiar photo of Joe Sullivan in the book. “And I want to find him. I need to know what happened.”
Rob’s laugh made me jump. “No.” He shook his head as though I’d said something stupid. He was the one who was usually on my side. I’d often been able to sway Mum or Mel to my way of thinking if I’d had Rob nearby to back me up.
“No?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, standing to pace the room. “You’re not flying halfway around the world on a wild goose chase. You’ve no idea who this guy is. Your mum was drugged up to the eyeballs – there’s no way she’d actually want you to try and track down some long-lost relatives. If she’d wanted to know your father, she had plenty of time to do something about that while she was alive.”
“But she didn’t,” I snapped. “And I want to know. I might have lots of family out there who I know nothing about.”
“You’ve got us! We’re your family.”
“Of course you are,” I said gently. “But we’re not actually related. Not by blood. I want to find my real family, if I have any.”
“I understand,” Mel said.
“You’re not going to go along with this craziness, are you?” Rob snapped.
“It’s not crazy,” she insisted. “I think it’s perfectly natural. But let’s take some time and think things over. We’ll find out what we ca—”
“No,” I said firmly. “I just want to go and find him.”
“No way!” Rob said.
“I’m an adult!” I reminded him, though at that moment I’m fairly sure I didn’t sound like one. “And I’ve got the money. I’m not asking your permission.” Tears welled in my eyes. I never argued with Rob, and I hadn’t expected this to be such a big issue.
“Think it through for a minute,” Rob said. “How do you think this guy is going to react if you turn up on his doorstep claiming to be his daughter?”
“Rob!” Mel looked at him sternly, and he inhaled deeply before sitting beside me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, brushing my hair off my face to look at me. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. And I don’t want you to waste your money flying round the world looking for someone who shares your DNA.”
“It’s not just that,” I confessed, as the tears spilled from my eyes. I was descending into a blubbering mess but was powerless to stop it. “I need to get away. I want to get out of Alfie’s room and out from under your feet. I’m sick of being in the way. I need a change.”
“You’ve never been in the way,” Rob whispered, pulling me to him and fighting off his own tears. “We should have cleared out Alfie’s room – made it yours. The boys don’t mind. You staying here wasn’t supposed to be a temporary arrangement. You’re part of this family the same as any of us.”
I sobbed into his shoulder, mortified he could think I hadn’t felt welcome when I always had.
“I know,” I managed.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Rob said, kissing the top of my head. “You’re just having a bad day. I’ll clear all that bloody Lego out of your room and you’ll feel better.”
“Uncle Rob!” I called when he got up. “The Lego isn’t the problem.” The stairs creaked under his weight, and I wiped at my eyes. “Has he really gone to clear the room out now?”
Mel chuckled beside me. “You know what he’s like once he gets an idea in his head!”
I sighed and lowered my head to my hands.
“This place looks beautiful,” Mel said, flicking through the album once more. She stopped on a page full of pictures of waterfalls. Mum and her friends lazed in pools, beer bottles in their hands. Mum glowed with her bronze tan and the happiness that radiated out from the pictures. “I think you should go.”
I caught Mel’s eye, never expecting her to agree with me on this one.
“Keep an open mind. This guy might not even remember your mum. But why not go on an adventure? It might do you good. Go to the places that your mum went, see the things she saw and maybe meet some of these people. If they’re still there. Just don’t forget that we’re your family and we’re always here for you.”
“What about Uncle Rob?”
“He’ll come around. You’re his little girl. He’ll just be worried you won’t come back.”
“I’ll always come back. I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” My eyes welled up again. “I love you. All of you.”
“I know,” she said, pulling me to her in a warm embrace. “And we love you. So much.”
Once the decision had been made, I was relieved. The urge had been there for a long time and ignoring it hadn’t worked. I would go to Australia and find this little outback town. And maybe I’d find the mysterious Joe Sullivan while I was at it.
Chapter 7
EVELYN – May 1994
What the hell should I do? It was hard to think rationally, sitting at the side of the road in the blistering heat. No great ideas came to me so I stayed where I was, thinking that at some point I’d have to swallow my pride and walk back to the farm. Ten minutes later, a vehicle came towards me, throwing up dust as it approached. I jumped to my feet and waved in a half-hearted attempt to flag down the battered old pickup truck. Please don’t be an axe-murderer.
The tyres crunched on the gravel when it slowed, and I moved to peer gingerly into the passenger window. The girl looked about my age – early twenties – and her smile immediately put me at ease. Her eyes sparkled, and my first thought was that she was absolutely beautiful. Not in the face-full-of-make-up-and-trying-too-hard way but really naturally beautiful. Her light-brown hair looked like silk and complemented her lightly tanned skin. She wore a pretty, pale pink dress that hugged her slender frame.
“You all right?” a friendly voice asked from the driving seat. The guy also looked to be about my age and had kind eyes. Tufts of soft blonde hair poked out from under his cap. They certainly looked like respectable citizens. In fact, they were such a stunning couple that they could’ve been a pair of Hollywood stars who’d got lost on location.
“Yeah,” I said, looking up and down the road, weighing up my options once more. “Well, actually, I’ve been better.”
“Need a ride?” the girl asked.
“Yes, please,” I said without hesitation. I did not want to go back to the farm.
“I’m Joe,” the guy told me as I climbed in. “And this is Beth.”
She moved over to make room for me, and I fumbled to put my seatbelt on.
“There’s a knack to it,” Joe said, leaning over and clicking it into place for me.
“You weren’t at Len’s place, were you?” Beth asked as we rolled down the dusty road with the warm air blowing through the windows. It was suffocating.
“Air con’s knackered,” Joe said, reading my mind and pointing to the footwell, where bottles of water rolled in unison.
I reached for one and gulped it down, not caring that it was probably hot enough to make a cup of tea with. “Yes,” I finally replied. “But I’ve decided farm work isn’t for me.”
“I’m not surprised,” Beth remarked.
Joe glanced at me, raising his voice as the truck rattled over potholes. “Len has a special kind of regime. It
’s not the norm. I thought they’d stopped sending girls up there.”
“It was awful,” I said. “Thank goodness you came along.”
“You were lucky,” Beth said. “There’s not usually much traffic out this way. Where’re you from?”
“England,” I said, launching into the usual conversation about myself. By the time we approached Kununurra, I’d found that Joe and Beth both lived in Kununurra and had gone to school together. Joe worked at a camping shop and Beth had a job in the beauty salon, though she wanted to run her own salon one day. They’d had an unexpected day off together and had been swimming at nearby springs. I felt comfortable with them immediately. They seemed so in love and were the sort of couple who would finish each other’s sentences and know exactly what the other was thinking. It should’ve been sickening, but they were actually very sweet.
“You’re staying at Walkabout Hostel, I presume?” Joe asked, as we turned off the highway and into town.
“No, the Kununurra Croc.”
His eyes widened. “You’ve been working at Len’s place and you’re staying at the Croc? You don’t have high standards, do you?”
“To be fair, this was only day two at the farm. And Walkabout Hostel was full so I didn’t have much choice.”
“There’s always the hotel,” Beth said. “You could probably get yourself a job there too.”
“I didn’t know there was a hotel,” I said. “Not that I could afford it anyway.”
Joe parked outside the Croc and leaned on the steering wheel. “They have accommodation for staff.”
“I actually don’t mind the Croc.” It definitely wasn’t the nicest place I’d stayed, but it had its charms.
“Weirdo,” Joe said with a laugh.
My brow creased but I couldn’t help but smile. He spoke to me as though I were an old friend and not some hitch-hiker he’d just picked up on the road.
“Thanks so much for the lift. I’d probably just be a puddle on the side of the road now if it weren’t for you.”
