by Pam Jernigan
“I tested them, too,” he volunteered.
“Really.” She leaned forward, propping her chin on one hand. “What did you try?”
“Tried…” He didn't know how to say this. “Tried sharing feelings.”
“Sharing? How’s that different from sensing?”
“Sharing means… pushed.”
“Oh, you projected emotions?” Her eyes widened. “Cool. Did it work?”
He nodded. “The others reacted.”
“Try it on me,” she said. “Here, hold my hand; you said that helps.”
He accepted her hand, and closed his eyes, trying to concentrate. Fear would probably be easiest. How to make himself feel fear? He pulled up the image from yesterday, of Karen tied to a chair with Borsa holding a syringe, and felt the beginnings of fear. He tried to remember how it had been, yesterday, knowing that she was going to be - not merely killed, but her mind destroyed, her beautiful emotions snuffed out. That intensified the reaction. He opened his eyes to check on her.
She was sitting, staring at him. “OMG, I’m actually feeling scared.”
He could feel her fear now, too, and added it to his own, projecting the combined amount back towards her.
Her breath was coming in shaky gasps, her hand trembling in his. “Oh, wow. Okay, let me try something.”
She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. He didn’t know what she was doing, but her fear began to weaken, and disappeared. She peeked an eye open. “You still sharing?”
He nodded.
She grinned. “I can fight back; that is so cool. Here, have some happiness; I’m just geeking out about this.”
The happiness came off her in waves, and he let his own fear go, clutching on to the much better alternative. He relaxed, almost smiling. “Feels great,” he said.
“It sure it does,” she agreed, smiling at him. “You’re amazing.”
“You are, too,” he said softly, realizing that he still held her hand. Should he release it? He didn’t want to. She didn't pull away, letting it rest while she studied his face.
Her happiness was changing, softening, tinged with… No, it couldn’t be. But, just a little bit, it felt like… love. “Are you thinking about Katrina?”
“What?” She blinked in surprise, then pulled her hand away from his, looking at the table. “Um, no. Just, you know. Things. Great experiment. Come on, let’s go into the living room and see if we can find something to do there.”
She stood and walked past him, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She felt uncomfortable, that much was clear. He stayed in his seat for a moment, trying to puzzle out what it might mean. Should he apologize? But he hadn’t done anything, had he? She’d asked him to make her feel things. There was only one way to find out. He would have to ask her.
Swallowing heavily, he stood and followed her into the other room.
#
Karen walked past Leo into the living room, blushing. What the heck had that been about? Okay, so she was maybe a little fond of him, that was all. Perfectly natural. He was her friend. People were fond of their friends; that’s just how it worked.
Most of her friends weren’t quite so adorable.
She looked out the windows to assess the rain, not as heavy as before but still steady. She had no desire to go slogging through it, but she was probably also stalling, because she didn’t know what would happen when she got back to the city. She could go home, sure, but what about him?
He followed her into the room and came to stand next to her, looking serious and a trifle apprehensive. At least she thought she got that from his expression; would she be able to pick up on his emotions if he wasn’t trying to broadcast them? Probably not, but after that demonstration a few minutes ago…
“Hey,” she greeted.
He looked at her and asked, “Are you okay?”
She blinked. “Yes, of course I’m okay. Why?”
He looked down. “You seemed… uncomfortable.”
“And you assumed it was because of you?” She smiled ruefully. “Okay, we’re going to have to get some things straight. First, as you yourself pointed out, I have a lot of emotions, and they’re triggered by a lot of things. You might have an idea of how I’m feeling, but you don’t know for sure why. So don’t get too worried about temporary things, okay?”
He nodded, then said, “You’re not scared of me?”
“No! I’m not scared of you, Leo.”
“Not even… in nightmare?”
“What?”
“You said… no, and then… my name.” He looked so sad.
She bit her lip, seized with the impulse to touch him. She stifled herself. Not useful. “No, Leo. In the dream… something bad might happen to you. I was scared for you, okay? Not of you.”
His expression lightened, and he smiled, just a tiny bit but a definite smile. It lit up his face.
She looked away, so she didn't give into the temptation to stare. In the gray daylight pouring through the dirty windows, she noticed the remains of a design clinging to his old sweatshirt. Huh. She’d thought it was plain. “What’s on your shirt?”
No answer but a shrug. No surprise.
She stepped closer, inspecting it. The sweatshirt was very worn, with holes and dirt in various locations. One or two stains she didn’t care to contemplate. There had been a word on it, faded and cracked letters peeling off. She lifted a hand to place her fingers on his chest and smooth the design out for a better view. “Can I look?” she asked, a little belatedly. She glanced up at him to see if he minded. His eyes were wide, staring at her, but he didn’t step away or ward her off.
It had been a short word. His chest rose and fell beneath her fingers as he breathed. Maybe three letters? Not very large type… in fact, she’d bet there hadn’t been any capital letters at all. She didn’t know if it’d be something she’d even recognize, but… her brain put it all together, and suddenly she could see it plainly. There were three white letters, spelling simply, “meh.”
She couldn’t help it, she started to laugh. “OMG, that’s hilarious.”
He watched her, puzzled. It only made her laugh harder. She shook her head, speaking around the giggles. “Sorry, it’s just so… you. Well, Mindless. Meh. It’s not a word exactly. More like a noise that means something like 'whatever' or ‘I don’t give a crap’.” She looked up towards the ceiling and snickered one last time. “Oy, I gotta get over that. Ahem, anyway.”
She stepped over to the couch and gingerly sat. No huge puffs of dust. “Enough about me, let’s talk about you,” she invited, waving him over to sit next to her on the couch. “Where do you live?”
He sat, angling to see her. “Big place. One big open hallway, lots of big rooms. With lots of things in them. Never dark.”
That startled her. “Never dark? How does that work?”
He frowned, looking like he was trying to figure it out. “Can see the sky through the roof. Or other lights come on.”
“That’s weird,” she said. What kind of building was never dark inside?
He shrugged agreement.
She pondered that for a while. It sounded a little familiar. What big buildings were around here, anyway? And would her definition of big correspond with Leo’s perception? “Was it bigger than the library?”
He paused, then nodded. “Longer.”
She didn’t really remember much from before the wall. There had been an airport, maybe a stadium. But how would the lights still be working? “Oh, I bet I know where you live,” she said, putting the pieces together. “Northpointe Mall. They made a big deal about it being solar-powered and self-sustaining. Huh. I guess it worked.”
“Maybe.”
“Cool. Oh, hey, I wanted to work with you on vocabulary. That’s a place to start. If it’s a mall, it has stores, does that sound right?”
“Stores,” he said, slowly. “Yes.”
“And in the stores they sell th
ings like clothing, music, bath and body stuff - fancy soap,” she elaborated just in case the term wasn’t clear.
He nodded. “DVDs.”
“Yeah, them too.” Huh. He was remembering things even without her prompting; that was great. What else could she mention that he would care about? "How about video games?”
“Yes,” he answered, quicker now, looking at her more alertly. He cocked his head, his eyes shifting away before re-focusing on her, with a hint of a smile. “Play… station.”
She grinned. “Awesome. That’s about the limit of my expertise on video games. Or malls, either,” she said, laughing a little. “Considering the last time I went to one I was like fourteen. God only knows what condition it’s in now. Any plants inside?”
“Yes. Dead, though.”
“Not surprising.” A new idea bloomed into her mind. “Oh my gosh. Leo?” She turned to look at him, and he responded immediately, switching his attention to her. “Leo, would you take me to your place?”
He stared, somehow looking disapproving and hopeful all at once. It briefly distracted her; how did a face show that kind of mix, especially with as limited a range as Leo had? Maybe she was sensing his emotions. Her brain wasn’t used to that, so it might interpret the information in a more familiar way. Or not. Whatever.
“Maybe there’s a book store. I bet there is.” Probably a really large one. Nearly as good as a library — price was right, too. “Well, assuming your friends haven’t trashed it.”
“Not my friends. Mindless,” he said slowly. “Not safe.”
"It’d be fine, Leo. They mostly respond to fear, right? I wouldn’t need to be afraid ‘cause I’d be with you! I can block you guys, maybe, and you could do that emotional vacuum cleaner thing that you do, so they won’t give me a second glance. Probably not even a first one.” She leaned towards him. So many books! And more time with Leo…
Some of the excitement drained away. The end of her time with Leo was approaching way too fast.
“No,” he said, shaking his head slowly.
“What?”
“No, I won’t take you there. Too risky.” He looked down, then back up to meet her eyes, regret and determination obvious. “I’m sorry.”
Well. Karen didn’t quite know how to take that. “But…” What had happened to the guy yesterday who’d been so agreeable? “It would give us more time together,” she coaxed. “You like that idea, right?”
He nodded slowly. “I like to be with you. But you need to be safe. That is not safe.”
She stared at him, perplexed by his refusal. It was sweet of him to worry, but she didn’t think it was necessary. “But you’ve, you know, shielded me before.”
“Took energy,” he said, not budging. “Might take too much.”
She deflated a little; she hadn’t considered that. Reluctantly, she admitted that there might be lots of other things she hadn’t accounted for, either. Only a few days ago, she'd been convinced a trip outside the wall would be no big deal, and look where that assumption had gotten her. The rest of her excitement faded, leaving behind a dull resignation. “Fine.” She was tempted to make some crack about losing an argument to a zombie, but that would be unfair. Leo was far more than that. She turned it around, instead. “How did you get to be so smart?”
He blinked. “Don’t know. You helped. You teach.”
She shrugged. “It’s what I do.” The seed of an idea implanted itself in the back of her mind, but this time, she didn’t want to rush it. “That can't be the whole story, though. Although God knows you guys could use a preschool teacher.”
“He does?” Leo regarded her curiously.
“Just a figure of speech,” she told him. “I don’t really think God exists.”
The curiosity grew. “Why not?”
“Um… Well,” she said, not prepared for this debate. “I used to, I guess. We went to church when I was younger.” It was starting to come back to her. “A lot of people did, I think, but when the world went to pieces… It was crazy for a while. Not a lot of churches left, at least in my city. Katrina found one, somehow.” Mom hadn’t cared, hadn’t emerged from depression enough to really even notice. Karen hadn’t been interested, but out of respect for Dad she’d allowed Katrina to go. Encouraged it, even, because it made Katrina happier to believe in God, to believe there was some order in the universe.
Karen had known that her sister’s faith would fail eventually, although to be fair, it had lasted longer than she’d expected. It would have taken quite a hit this week, but if Karen made it back, then… well, it would be tough to convince Katrina that God had had nothing to do with it. And Karen didn’t even want to try because seriously… that wouldn’t be the strangest thing to have happened this past week. Divine intervention would actually explain a lot.
Don’t be ridiculous, Karen.
“Anyway… I can’t see how He’d let all this happen. So many people died, or their lives were destroyed.” She shook her head. “My dad… my dad believed in God, and he died.” How was she supposed to trust Him after that?
A gentle wave of sorrow that wasn’t hers touched her mind, and she looked up, startled.
“I’m sorry,” Leo said.
“Wasn’t your fault,” she said, managing a ghost of a smile. “Borsa’s the bad guy here. And I’d sure like to stop him from coming up with any more bad ideas, come to think of it, but that’s not gonna be easy.” As soon as she got home, she and Leo should talk to Jake’s dad, try to explain the danger.
Oh, wait.
Going home meant leaving Leo. The reminder was unwelcome. There had to be something she could do, but what? Maybe… find him some place to stay, close outside the wall, and visit him every day? Right, like she had that kind of free time in her schedule. And hanging out near the city would be too dangerous for him, anyway.
Where would he go? Back to his home, probably. Where else? That might be okay... as long as the camp guys didn’t get him again. She frowned, turning that problem over in her mind. It wasn’t her problem, she knew, but she still wanted to solve it. They had been allies, after all. No, be honest, Karen, it’s more than that.
They were friends; she should admit that to herself at least. They’d talked and laughed and escaped together. Saved each other, multiple times. Slept together, too, she thought, feeling warm. Even if it was accidental and totally platonic. She glanced his way and tried to tamp down her emotional reactions. They’d confuse him, with no reference, and she'd rather not explain.
Maybe more than friends, if things had been different, but they weren’t.
Logically, she should go home, get back to her life, and let Leo return to his. Such as it was. Except he’d practically said he’d starve to death without her.
No, there must be something she could do. She just couldn’t see it yet.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Leo stared at the table top, his attention focused on Karen. He tried to interpret the brief flickers of feelings as they leaked out, but there were too many, conflicting. Confusing. She took a deep breath, and her emotions settled back to normal. Her control amazed him.
“Never mind the theology. Speaking of malls,” Karen said, regaining much of her usual cheer, “that reminds me. I was going to go clothes shopping.”
He tilted his head. She radiated amusement, in a way that he was beginning to associate with her. It was addicting.
“I spotted closets upstairs,” she explained for his benefit. “Now that it’s light out we might be able to see if there’s anything we could wear.”
He followed her up the stairs again. Karen led the way to little rooms within rooms. With strange doors. Some of them folded up, some slid behind each other. It was fascinating. Humans came up with so many ways to do things. It reminded him of his home, and he wondered if the doors there had opened in similar ways. Back before they’d been broken. The downside of having his own emotions lay in having to deal with things like regret.
I didn't know. We didn't understand.
Karen knew that, obviously. She had - what was the word - forgiven him. She walked around with him, chattering about clothes, without a trace of worry at what he might do behind her back. It was an unexpected source of satisfaction to him, her implicit trust. He listened, and watched, and enjoyed it while it lasted.
“What about this one?” She asked, turning towards him, holding up a shirt in front of her. It was pink, and somehow frothy, which seemed a pleasing contrast to her pale skin and dark brown hair.
“It’s pretty,” he said. “Would look good on you.”
She cocked her head. “Thanks.” She tossed the shirt onto the bed behind him before turning and pulling something else out of the little room. “How about this one?”
This shirt was darker, with many bright colors. She held it up to herself so he could see the effect.
He frowned. “Um.” He didn’t want to disappoint her if she liked it, but she had asked for his opinion.
She grinned, tucking the offending article back into the closet. “Totally agree with you, too harsh for my coloring. I just wanted to check and make sure you’re being honest.”
“Always.”
That soft feeling was in her again, the almost-love. She looked at the bed where she’d accumulated a small pile. “Okay,” she announced. “Time to try stuff on. Which is your cue to leave.”
Gently, she touched his arm and pushed, escorting him into the hallway. He stared as she closed the door between them.
#
Karen closed the door, smiling a little at Leo’s bemusement. He didn’t understand, but he cooperated. And he had passed the shopping test; Jake, under similar circumstances, had professed to love everything she’d looked at, even the awful stuff. Not useful.
She tried a few things on, regretfully passing on the pink blouse with ruffles - Leo would like how she looked in it, but it wasn’t practical for hiking. And Leo would like how she looked in it, which was not what she was going for. Not dressing up for a guy here. He’s not even really a guy.
