Or was my good luck a sign that something had to go wrong eventually?
My chest was tight as Dr. Colwin explained more of what to do and what could happen. I took notes on my phone, knowing I wouldn’t absorb any of this right now. I’d have to tell all this to Topaz, too. She’d be so upset when she heard something might be wrong with our little runt. She’d freak out way worse than me.
“You have all that down?” Dr. Colwin asked. His face was sympathetic. “There’s most likely nothing to worry about. Puppies develop at different rates. We just need to monitor this baby and make sure she does stay on a normal track.”
I swallowed my fear as I slipped my phone in my pocket. “Got it.”
He quickly examined of the rest of the dogs, and I tried to pay attention. When I left, he gave me another pep talk about how everything would more than likely be okay. He even said he didn’t think there’d be any issues.
“Just keep an eye on her.”
A few minutes later, I started to repeat those words to Topaz as I let the puppies out of their carrier. She interrupted me with her usual kiss—after we shut the door behind us. As much as I wanted to shout our relationship to the world, it seemed like Topaz wanted to hold off on the PDA.
Regardless of where the kiss took place, it left me starry-eyed. Did I really have to worry Topaz about Dipshit? The puppy was going to be okay as long as we kept an eye on her—that’s what the vet said. I could do that myself.
Sure, Topaz might’ve wanted to know, but she had enough on her mind. Wouldn’t it be kinder to not upset her?
“What did the vet say?” she asked.
It’s now or never. “He said they’re good. Come on, let’s make dinner.”
We cooked together, getting into our usual rhythm. Being with her made me perfectly content. Things were going so well. The only issue left was for the world to know about us, and I wasn’t going to rush Topaz with that.
As we ate, she brought it up herself. “I think I should come out to my family soon,” she said, wiping a speck of pasta sauce off her chin.
My heart swelled, but I didn’t want to pressure her. “There’s no rush at all.”
“Does your sister know we’re dating?”
I nodded, and Topaz looked embarrassed. “What does she think?”
“Oh, she’s overjoyed,” I said, shaking my head as I thought about her bragging about how she was right. “She’s definitely a supporter of this relationship, even if she’s a bit embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed?”
“She thought there was no way a lesbian could be a fashion blogger.” I hesitated. “You still like men too, right? Or would you call yourself a lesbian now?”
“I don’t think I ever really liked men,” Topaz said.
“Either way is fine with me, as long as you do like women.”
“No issues there,” she said. “Anyway, I’m glad your sister approves. I don’t know what I would’ve done if she didn’t.”
“Her opinion would affect you that much?”
She shook her head. “Actually, no. I wouldn’t give your sexy ass up for anything.”
My body responded to the compliment—Topaz could turn me on with the barest suggestion of sex. I put down my fork. “And vice versa. How about we finish eating later?”
We got back to dinner eventually, although the pasta had gone cold.
In the morning, I crept out of bed. This was one of my favorite times to be around Topaz. As much as I loved talking to her and hearing her voice, I also loved watching her sleep. She always looked so peaceful when she was at rest.
I liked how I could move around without waking her up. Most days, I knew I’d get to talk to her soon. Tiptoeing around her in the anticipation of her waking up was almost as good as actually being with her.
We slept in her room, so I went back to mine to shower and dress. When I went back to look in on her, she was still fast asleep. I knew her alarm would wake her up at eight, but I had to get going.
I bent to kiss her on the cheek. Even in her sleep, she smiled, and I stroked her soft skin. Unconscious Topaz was so much more relaxed than the conscious one. She didn’t have to deal with any internalized homophobia while she was asleep. She could just be herself, and I loved knowing that underneath it all, she really did enjoy my affections.
My heart warmed at the sight of that slight smile on her face. I dared to peck her on the lips. She moaned softly, and a twinge of lust went through me. I licked my lips, wishing I could stay and see where that moan might lead us.
But I had to go. Waiting around like this was going to make me late, if I didn’t get going soon. And I still needed to look in on the puppies.
Downstairs, Diamond ran in front of me and demanded I feed her. I poured out some food and then let her outside. She was needy, wanting to chew her favorite bone and then to play fetch. That took up more time.
The puppies were in the box they enjoyed so much. They seemed content—at least the first four. Dipshit didn’t have any more diarrhea, although I couldn’t find her at first. I looked around, calling her name.
From a hiding spot under the kitchen counter, she blinked at me. I laughed, reaching out to stroke her head. “Hey there, baby girl. You had me worried for a second. You’re okay, aren’t you?”
I needed to weigh her. The scale was in the cupboard, so I picked her up and set her on the kitchen table. She didn’t protest, and she didn’t move as I set it up. Instead of letting out her little whines, she sat quietly as I put her on the scale.
She definitely wasn’t the puppy she had been a few days ago, but she wasn’t visibly sick, either. She’d be okay. She had to be.
I left for work.
SEVENTEEN—TOPAZ
I yawned and wiggled around in my computer chair. Although it was ergonomically designed, my back still got stiff from sitting in the same position all day. Well, it was time for a break anyway.
Perching on the edge of the chair, I opened up a chat window and messaged Cindy. Hey, how’s that new job going?
Cindy: Good. How’s that new sexuality going?
A laugh erupted out of me. Cindy had quite a way with words. Good, I typed. Can’t complain. Heidi is pretty amazing.
Cindy: Glad it’s going well. If it wasn’t working with her, I was going to say you could pass her over to me. I’m not even joking about her turning me gay.
I rolled my eyes, although I had to admit I was surprised by Cindy’s easy joking. Even when I denied my sexuality the most, I doubted I would’ve said things like that. Hands off, I wrote.
I could just picture Cindy laughing to herself. Her new job had her all buttoned up in fancy office clothes, the total opposite of how she was at home or on the weekends. She liked to walk around with her chest puffed out, pretending to be one of those stuffed-shirt types. I wondered if her colleagues took the act seriously.
Diamond nudged the door open, and I went over to pet her. She whined softly, to which I shook my head. She’d eaten and gone outside this morning, and gone for a long walk at lunch. There was nothing for her to be complaining about. Still, she kept pouting until I shut her out of the room.
When I got back to the computer, a longer message from Cindy had appeared. So, am I the only one from your life who knows? I was thinking it’s going to be rough when you tell your family.
I sighed, sinking my chin into my hand. Cindy had met my family several times, enough to get a sense of them. And she was completely right about how they’d feel about this.
It sucked, really—it fucking sucked. And not only because they were going to be mad or disappointed. If I’d had a more accepting family, I could have come to terms with myself years ago rather than now. If I’d been able to come out properly at fifteen, my life would be completely different.
I could’ve had a normal dating life in college, and since then. Hell, I might’ve even dated in high school! I’d certainly thought enough about it. But I’d suppressed everything, based on my parents’
discomfort. I hadn’t even allowed myself to think about my sexuality. I’d wasted ten long years when I could’ve been dating.
Ever since my failed coming-out, I’d always felt the need to maintain this façade of being a straight person with a normal life. That wasn’t me, it simply wasn’t, and it never was going to be. Whether my parents would ever accept that, I had no idea.
Me: I guess I should do it pretty soon. I just don’t know when or how.
Cindy: You’re going to have to bite the bullet eventually. You got this.
Bitterness and resentment swelled inside me. I forced them down. Those emotions were no use, and I had so much good stuff going on in my life right now. My job was great, my house was great, and I had an amazing relationship developing. Yet the bad feelings kept wanting to come up. It was so easy to dwell on the negative.
I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was five already. Closing my laptop, I stood up and stretched. When should I bring this up to my family, anyway? There was really no good time. Should I do it in person, or at a distance? It’d probably be better for them if they could see my face, but more painful for me if I could see theirs.
They were only a half-hour drive away. I could tell them the next time I went over for dinner. We were all so busy, we rarely got together. I could always suggest a dinner, make an occasion out of it.
Or I could tell them now. Bite the bullet…
I picked up the phone and dialed.
My heart pounded as it rang three times. My mom was always at home in the afternoons. Why wasn’t she answering? Oh, wait—my dad would be at work right now. I was about to hang up when he picked up the phone.
“Dad? I thought you’d be at work. I was just thinking another time would be better to call.”
“Just got in,” he puffed. “Took the afternoon off to play golf with Sanders. Why, did you want something?”
My chest tightened, and I looked down at my trembling hands. It figured my father expected me to want something. He was always ready to think poorly of me.
“Nothing in particular,” I said. “Haven’t talked to you in a while. Everything is going good?”
I heard him take a sip of something—doubtless Scotch. “Everything is fine, aside from Sanders cheating at golf. He thinks I don’t see when he writes down his score, but I do. That man has been cheating against me for the past forty years, and I’m sick of it. I should find a new golf partner. That’d show him.”
“You probably should get a new partner,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “You deserve to have a partner you can respect and trust.”
“You sound funny, Topaz. Is everything all right?”
My dad sounded concerned, and I reminded myself that despite everything, he still was my dad. My parents loved me, despite their flawed views. I just hoped they’d remember that during this announcement.
“Actually, I did have something to tell you and Mom. Do you think you could get her on the phone, too?”
“Hold on a second.” He covered the receiver and I heard him yell, “Georgette!”
Mom picked up a second later, sounding excited to hear from me. Maybe I didn’t call as often as I should. My parents just always had something unpleasant to say, something to judge me on. It was always the same old things—my job, my life. Even owning a home at age twenty-five wasn’t enough. My house was too small, and when they visited, it was too dirty. My decorating style wasn’t the same as theirs, so they always had to complain about that, too.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, my throat even tighter now as I tapped my fingers on the table. “I wanted to tell you something. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I… I can’t deny who I am anymore.”
“What are you talking about, Topaz?”
I was so choked up, I almost couldn’t speak. “You know what I’m talking about.”
It was almost too painful to say out loud. “Mom, Dad, I’m… I’m still…” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t get out the word “gay.” Tears formed under my eyelids, and I forced them to stop before I continued. “I’ve been seeing someone. A girl.”
Now it was out, and I could do nothing but wait for their response and try to breathe.
“I see,” my mother said, and stopped.
The silence was palpable. I wondered if she was in the same room as my dad, twirling the phone cord around her fingers, looking at him with that “what are we going to do” expression on her face—or if they were in different rooms, each of them going through the same heartache alone. I wondered what they’d say to each other later. If they’d blame each other, or hold each other and talk about where they went wrong.
Neither of my parents were affectionate people. In all my life, I’d rarely ever seen them touch. I doubted they’d talk about this much at all. They certainly wouldn’t share their feelings about it.
“I know I told you it was a phase,” I said quietly. “I was trying to make you happy, but it’s been ten years. I need to make myself happy.”
“We’ve had our suspicions over the years.” My father’s voice was cold. “Hard to not notice how you never brought home a boyfriend.”
“I’ve had boyfriends!” One-night stands, really, and why was I being so defensive? Not like I’d enjoyed them. “Listen, it doesn’t matter. I knew who I was at fifteen. I let you convince me I was wrong, but I wasn’t. And this isn’t going to change.”
They were quiet for a moment. “You don’t have to act on it,” my mother finally said. “Imagine trying to explain this to Grandma and Grandpa.”
“Or Sanders,” my father interjected.
“Wouldn’t it be more pleasant to simply be alone?”
Hot breaths came through my lips. I understood now. It was never about them believing my sexuality was temporary. It wasn’t even about them not liking it themselves.
All this time, it was about what other people would think.
“If you plan on coming home for Christmas, I certainly hope you’ll reconsider this,” my mother added.
They had to be in the same room, I realized—passing judgment without a word. I could just imagine the viciousness in their looks right now. The hatred. They didn’t even take a moment for sympathy before condemning me.
I clutched the cell phone. “I don’t think I will.”
“That’s your choice, of course,” my mother said. “As you know, Topaz, it is a choice. You may not be able to help who you’re attracted to, but you can help what you do about it.”
“So what are you going to do if I stay with this girl?”
“I’d have no desire to rescind your invitation,” my mother said. “But we can’t have that kind of thing over Christmas dinner, now, can we?”
Red flashed in front of my eyes, and I gripped the phone even harder, as if I were trying to break it. “I guess not.” I hung up.
It took a moment for me to collect myself. I kept reminding myself of the good things in my life—Heidi, my job, my house, my dogs.
I took a deep breath, focusing in particular on my dogs. They were so adorable and so sweet. They’d never, ever judge me based on something like my sexuality. I decided to go play with them. That should calm me down. At least there were creatures somewhere on this planet that gave me unconditional love. I definitely wouldn’t look to any humans for that again.
With heavy steps, I trudged down the stairs. Even knowing I was about to see the world’s cutest puppies couldn’t make me crack a smile. My parents’ rejection felt like a physical wound in my heart.
Dorkbrain, Dillhole, Darklord, Dingbat, and Dumbnuts were curled up in the box in the kitchen. “Hey, guys,” I said, reaching in to pet them. “Where’s your sister?”
They looked at me sleepily, and Dillhole rubbed her head against my finger. “She didn’t want to take a nap with you? Silly Dipshit.” I gave Dingbat my palm to sniff. In return, he gave it a lick. My breaths came slower, and my heartbeat calmed.
“Dipshit,” I called. “Where’s my favorite little shit?” I looked under t
he shredded newspaper in the box, then peered under the table. No puppy.
The front door opened and Heidi called to me. I half-squatted to peer under the stove as I yelled hello back. I’d have to update her on how things had gone with my parents today, and I dreaded the way she was going to feel sorry for me. I’d tell her later. “Hey, babe. Just looking for Dipshit.”
I felt Heidi’s presence at the door, but didn’t look up. I’d just spotted the puppy, her tiny body barely visible in the shadows. “You’re so silly,” I cooed. Sometimes she liked to crawl under there and stay a while, gazing out at the world. “Don’t hide from me.”
Funny how the light wasn’t glinting off her eyes. And normally she would’ve run out to meet me. I reached out for her instead.
My fingers met cold fur.
I screamed.
EIGHTEEN—HEIDI
“Yes, I know I have the world’s most amazing sister. You’ve told me that about a hundred times, and that’s only in the last fifteen minutes.” I balanced the cell phone on my shoulder as I fumbled with the door key.
Liana laughed. “Just making sure you don’t forget. Who else would agree to bring your lunch to work for the third time this week?”
I opened the screen door, anxious to get in and see my kind-of-maybe-girlfriend. “Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re going to bring me lunch, not run a marathon for me.”
“By the way…”
I opened the door and put the key on its hook. Liana was still talking, and I moved the receiver away from my mouth as I called hello to Topaz. I’d greet her properly after we hung up.
But a second after I stepped into the kitchen, a scream pierced through my soul.
“What was that?” Liana gasped.
“I don’t know. I better go. I’ll call you back later.”
I shot to Topaz’s side. She was on her knees in front of the stove, her face in her hands.
“What is it?”
Turning away from me so I couldn’t see her face, she pointed under the stove. Raw emotion tore through her voice. “Dipshit!”
My heart went cold, and I dropped to the ground beside her. The puppy was in one of her usual hiding spots, but this time she was motionless. An awful suspicion ran through me. My heart in my throat, I touched her to be sure. “No.”
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