Topaz rose unsteadily, then sank into a chair.
My stomach churned. The puppy was dead. I was supposed to watch out for her, and now she was dead.
The tiny corpse sat in front of me, every part of it still miniature. She’d never grow into a real dog now. The eyes were closed peacefully, the little paws spread out in front.
Nausea built within me, and I swallowed. “Topaz.” I came up behind her and went to put my hand on her back. I needed to feel her right now, to share human contact.
She jerked away as if my hand was a hot stove. “Don’t touch me.”
I sucked in a breath. She blamed me, and she wasn’t wrong to do so. “I’m sorry,” I said, tears spilling into my eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
She stared at the table, her face stony. She didn’t want to talk to me at all.
“Please don’t hate me,” I said. “I did check on her this morning. Something seemed off, and I didn’t tell you anything. I should’ve told you. You could’ve checked on her. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
Topaz wouldn’t look at me. She was like a rock in the ocean—all of my emotions washing over and past her. Nothing seemed to affect her. I was breaking down, and she just sat there.
“What do we do now, Topaz?” My voice broke, and I pressed my hands to my face. “Tell me what you want me to do. Should I call the vet?”
Of course she didn’t respond, so I had to make the decision myself. “I’m going to call the vet.”
I found my phone and dialed the number, my hands shaking and my breath ragged. When I managed to get Dr. Colwin on the line, I could barely get out the words. “Our puppy is dead.”
Dr. Colwin sounded as horrified as I was. “I just looked at her yesterday.”
“Was it my fault?” I asked.
Was I a fraud? Had all the work I’d done at the dog rescue come to this? When there was a sick puppy in my care, I couldn’t be trusted to save it?
“It sounds like fading syndrome,” Dr. Colwin said. “Sometimes very young puppies pass away for no obvious reason. There was probably nothing anyone could have done.”
Somehow that didn’t make me feel any better. Dipshit was still dead, my little sweetheart all cold and unmoving. She’d never squeak and whine again, never annoy me or get in my way. She wasn’t coming back.
“There was nothing we could’ve done,” I repeated to Topaz.
Putting her hands on the table, she stood up. With a single shudder, she sealed off her facial expression. All emotions were gone now, as if she’d closed a zipper over what she was feeling inside. Her walk out of the room was quick but painful.
I stuttered something to Dr. Colwin and hung up. “Topaz, where are you going? Why won’t you talk to me?”
“Not now,” she said without looking back.
I followed her up the stairs, pleading with her the whole time. She seemed to have no interest in speaking to me. She was shutting me out. Hope flared inside me when she went into my room. Maybe we could lie down together and hold each other, share our grief.
“Topaz, sit down.” I sat on my bed and patted the mattress beside me.
I needed so desperately to feel her arms around me right now. I needed to lean on her and have her tell me everything was going to be okay. If my shock over Dipshit wasn’t enough, Topaz’s behavior now was equally upsetting to me.
But my hope was in vain. Topaz just grabbed a few of her pens and papers from my desk. “I can’t be with you right now.” Still without looking at me, she went to her room.
I stood at her door frame. “What are you doing? Why won’t you talk to me?”
She closed the door.
The lock clicked.
NINETEEN—TOPAZ
Kibble clattered into the bowl, making sharp sounds against the metal. Diamond whined at my feet. Although she had some of her usual good humor, she seemed to be aware that something was not okay.
Hardly a surprise. Any mother, no matter what species, would be able to know one of her children was dead. Maybe she couldn’t express what was different, maybe she didn’t have the awareness to even know why she was sad, but she could tell that something was very, very wrong.
Just looking at her was hard. She looked so much like Dipshit—not the colors, but the eyes. It was going to be even harder to look at the other puppies.
Pulling myself together, I went to the fridge. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach anything, but I figured I should probably glance inside. Eating would help me, and I figured I should at least see if I could manage it.
Before I could open the door, I caught sight of a Post-It in the middle. I buried Dipshit in the front yard. There’s a marker above her grave. I’m going to bed. Hope we can talk soon.
I’d stayed in my room until Heidi left for work. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. As it turned out, the note hardly even bothered me. I was simply numb. I couldn’t feel anything worse than how I was already feeling.
My favorite puppy was gone. My parents didn’t love me anymore.
The grief from these events wasn’t added together. It was exponential. At times like this, I understood why people cut themselves. I needed to feel something outside of my inner torment. Even physical pain would be better than this.
I managed to direct my feet outside. I’d just stay out for a minute.
The grave marker was flat on its side: a pair of Popsicle sticks taped together. Heidi had written Dipshit 2017 on them. The grave might have been here to start with, or it might’ve blown away from its original position. Maybe I’d never know.
I sank to the ground and put my fingers in the dirt, my heart wrenching. This had to be the right spot. I could feel her here, her tiny body a few inches below the surface.
As soon as I went back inside, I had to confront the other puppies. They were nosing around Diamond, trying to eat. They seemed a bit more subdued than usual, but I could’ve been imagining feelings they weren’t capable of having.
Was it so crazy to think they might miss their sister, though? Surely even brand-new puppies barely aware of the world could be aware that a familiar presence was missing.
They were no less cute than usual, but looking at them was difficult. They were so much like the one I’d lost.
But that was enough of those feelings. I took them and wrapped them up inside me, shoved them down as far as they’d go. Feelings were for the weak. I was better than that. Being numb was preferable to all of this.
A noise behind me made me turn around. Heidi was giving me the saddest look I’d ever seen on her face. I knew I hadn’t been a good friend or roommate to her, never mind a lover. I almost felt something, but I shoved it away.
“Hey, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but…”
“Not now. Please.”
I moved past her and went up to my room, where I sat down at my computer. All of this emotional stuff could take a backseat. I needed to get my work done, and that was that. People were waiting for my posts.
I threw myself into it, only emerging to check on the puppies a few times. I ate a few grapes and a cracker at lunch, and then it was back to work.
My phone lit up a few times, but I ignored it. Heidi wasn’t the only person I didn’t want to talk to.
It must have been around half past five when a knock came on my bedroom door. Reluctantly, I let Heidi in. She looked devastated, as if she’d been sad for a very, very long time. I wondered how she’d even gotten through a day of work with that face on. She must’ve scared all the hotel’s customers away.
“Topaz, I just have to know if you ever plan to talk to me.” Her voice caught on the last words. Her desperation was evident, and that made me a little sick. The more she tried to talk to me, the more I pulled away. It was an instinctive reaction.
It occurred to me that I could kiss her now and pull her into my arms… but that seemed as impossible as going to the moon. Or bringing a puppy back from the dead.
My
gut roiled. Emotions were trying to get out of me. “I told you already, I’ll talk to you later.”
She blinked a few times. “Okay. Have it your way.” She went to her room and slammed the door.
I was hurting her. I could see I was hurting her, but what other option did I have? I could barely hold myself together for the few moments I did talk to her. Letting her see me fall apart would’ve destroyed what was left of my dignity.
My puppy, my almost-girlfriend… my parents, who’d never accept our relationship anyway… it had all come crashing down on me at once. With a little time, I’d be able to hide my weaknesses and go back to acting like everything was okay.
Heidi just needed to give me a little time. I hoped against hope that she understood that. She always seemed to get me in a way that others didn’t. If she was truly on my wavelength, surely she’d understand…
I lay down on my bed and curled up into a ball. Tears pressed at my eyelids, and I squeezed my eyes shut until they went away.
I won’t cry. I won’t cry.
A grown-up must never, ever cry.
TWENTY—HEIDI
At twelve on the dot, Liana came into the hotel with two bags of Chinese takeout in her hand. “Who’s the best sister ever?” she asked as she handed them over the counter.
“You are.” I grabbed the bags and took Liana into the back room. My coworker could watch the front desk during my lunch break.
The hotel didn’t take care of this room like they did the ones that were shown to the guests. The walls were gray, and the table wobbled as I set the food on it.
I’d been forcing myself to smile at guests all morning. Now my energy was gone. Even opening the bag and sorting out the food containers seemed like too much effort.
Liana quickly caught on to my mood. “Are you doing okay?”
“Not exactly.” I hung my head, and stayed like that as she unpacked the different boxes. Even the tempting smell of spicy fried noodles couldn’t cheer me up.
“Come on, take a bite.” She held up a piece of chicken with her chopsticks. Heaving a sigh, I let her put it in my mouth. Even my taste buds were muted today. I could tell the food was good, but it didn’t matter anymore.
“Topaz still isn’t talking to you?”
“No. She said she would soon, but I don’t know when that’s supposed to be. She’s completely shutting me out. I can’t tell if she’s blaming me for Dipshit dying.”
“I don’t see any reason to think that. From what I can tell, she’s mourning the puppy. Maybe you need to give her some time.”
“But I’m mourning, too.” I slammed my fist down on the table, harder than I’d realized, so hard it rattled loudly. “I cared about that dog, and she’s acting like she’s the only one who’s affected. I never wanted Dipshit to die. I should’ve told Topaz what the vet said, but I was trying not to burden her. If I could go back in time and tell her, I would.”
“I know, I know,” Liana said soothingly. “And telling her wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. It’s definitely fucked up that Topaz won’t talk to you. The two of you should be comforting each other right now, not giving each other the silent treatment.”
“So what do you think I should do? Should I keep trying to talk to her?”
“Yeah. Give her some space, but make sure she knows you’re there for her.”
“I don’t know if I even want to be. She’s not exactly there for me.” I sighed, wishing again that we could’ve comforted each other.
Liana rubbed my back. It would’ve been nice to turn to someone other than my baby sister for advice, especially when her relationships tended to be as superficial and short-lasting as mine. I had no close LGBT friends in town, only a few acquaintances I occasionally saw when I was in NYC. Talking things through with Liana was better than nothing.
“I don’t know,” I told her. “Like, at what point should I just give up? We never defined our relationship in the first place, and if she’s not talking to me, we’re clearly not together.”
“I don’t know.” She continued to make soothing circles on my back. “Maybe after a week? You two are living together. You’ll have to talk at some point.”
“I was thinking two weeks,” I said in despair. It’d already been a day, which meant we were a seventh of the way to being broken up. “I’m so tired of dating all these different girls and nothing ever working out. I really thought this time might be different. I guess it was dumb to believe what we had was special.”
She gave my shoulder a squeeze before pulling her hand away. “Do your best to talk to her.”
When I got home a few hours later, Topaz’s car was in the driveway. The woman herself was nowhere to be found. After looking around the main floor, I figured she had to be in her room. Hiding away. Of course.
I knew she probably wanted to be left alone. I just couldn’t stand to do it. Grabbing a sheet of paper from the kitchen counter, I scribbled a note.
Do you hate me? Circle one:
Yes
No
Before I could talk myself out of it, I ran up the stairs and slipped the page under her door.
I stood back, waiting for her to slide the answer back to me. Instead, the door opened and she looked at me wearily, creasing my note in her hands. Faced with her, my cute little idea seemed a lot less clever.
“Why would I hate you?” she asked.
I looked at the floor. “Do you think I killed Dipshit?”
“No. Of course not.” Her voice was harsh, raspy, but she was talking to me. “The vet said it was nobody’s fault.”
“I know what he said, but I thought maybe you didn’t believe him.”
Topaz shook her head rustily. “I believe him. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t deal with anybody.”
“So you’re not mad?”
“Not at all.” She crumpled my note into a ball and dropped it into her pocket. “I was just so fucking crushed.”
“And you’re doing better now?”
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
She was saying exactly what I wanted to hear. If I’d actually tried to come up with a best-case scenario, this would’ve been it.
Something was off, though. I wasn’t quite buying what she was saying. As much as she claimed she was fine, I saw the pain in her eyes. Her voice was still flat, like she had no emotions—or like she was burying them. There was no nuance to her intonation.
I kissed her anyway. I had to. After a day of thinking I might lose her, I needed desperately to feel her sweet lips on mine. She kissed me back, softly and without much energy.
“You have to talk to me,” I murmured, winding my fingers through her hair. “You can’t shut me out next time. I need you to share your feelings with me.”
She half-grunted, half-moaned a wordless response. It was no agreement, but it was a start. I’d bring it up again later. Right now I was just happy that we were still together. My heart swelled with gratitude that I was being given another chance.
As our kisses deepened, I could feel the pain rushing through her body and into me. All my resentment about the way she’d treated me faded, and I began to understand her suffering. Something was very wrong, maybe something more than the puppy’s death. She was broken, and all I wanted to do was heal her.
The passion grew as I continued to kiss her. From her lips, I made my way down to her neck. I kissed all the spots that she liked. By now I knew how to make her respond to my touch.
I ran my hands over her back and her shoulders, pulling her closer to me until we were as close as we could be. “Let’s go in your room.”
Inside, her eyes were still dull, but she held me gently and touched me with loving care. Maybe I should have felt guilty for the way my body responded to her, the fiery downward rush of all the blood in my veins. But I craved her so badly, and I’d come so close to losing her.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked. The question was trite, but how else was I going to express what I felt inside? I hoped my
meaning came across—that I wanted her to feel better, that I cared. That I loved her.
“A little.”
I doubted even that much was true. “What would help you?”
“Nothing.” She shuddered, then wrapped herself around me like she was clinging to a life raft in a storm. “I can’t decide if I want to be a million miles away, or if I want to devour you… there.”
What? My heart stuttered, and I barely stifled a gasp. We’d fooled around so many times, me going down on her had become our normal. I would’ve been content to go on forever with her just fingering me—I’d almost forgotten there was more that we could do.
Now that she’d suggested it, the craving overwhelmed me. I did want her between my thighs. I wanted that desperately.
“Why would you want to be far away?” I asked.
“So you wouldn’t see me like this.” Her hands ran down my spine. “Acting crazy. I’m a wreck, Heidi. I can’t…” For a second she seemed like she might open up, but then she closed herself off again.
“I want to see you.” I caressed her stomach, my fingers finding the hem of her shirt. “All of you.” I pulled the shirt over her head.
She fumbled with her bra clasp. “I’m sorry for everything. I really am.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Later.” She shook her head decisively.
Fuck, I wanted her so badly. I needed to be close to her.
It was all happening so suddenly, and so soon after she’d pushed me away. The workings of her mind were a mystery to me. But I thought I might be starting to understand.
Sometimes being with someone could take away the hurt.
A few more slow kisses were all the foreplay we needed. Then I backed onto her bed, my body thrilling with anticipation. Sitting at the edge with her between my legs, I ran my hands over her body. Piece by piece, the rest of our clothes came off.
We barely spoke. Neither of us was in the mood for words at the moment. I pulled her closer, letting her breasts press against mine. My raw need for her was torturous.
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