by Sienna Parks
My disappointment in myself is overshadowed only by my overwhelming desire to let her know, in the only way I feel she’ll understand. I can’t hold back any longer. It’s hurting her more than it’s helping, and every moment that I’m not kissing her, feels like an eternity.
I grab her with both hands, hoist her up into my arms and wrap her legs around my waist. I take in our surroundings and spy the door to the stairwell. I’m there in two strides, opening the door with one hand, grasping her with the other as I hold her gaze, inches from mine. She coils her hands up around my neck and into my hair, tugging ever so slightly. It drives me wild, and I can feel my control slipping.
I press her back up against the cold, hard stone walls, encasing her, trapping her. My breathing labored as I struggle to find the words.
“Vittoria... Nyx… I… need you more than my next breath.”
“I’m right here.”
My lips find hers in an instant; the feel of her soft, full lips on mine is a taste of paradise. I’ve been a man lost in the desert these past few weeks, thirsty and desperate for the smallest drop to keep me going. She is my oasis. Her tongue tangles with mine, and I can feel her need; it fuels my own as I run my hand down her side, finding the space between us, cupping her breast and squeezing it in my palm.
“I’ve wanted this for so long.” Her words are a strangled plea for more, and in answer, I start grinding my cock against her sweet spot, eliciting a sexy as hell groan from her. I swallow it, thrusting faster; feeling myself getting harder and harder until I feel like I’m going to burst out of my pants.
I break our kiss, gasping for air. “I want to be inside of you so badly right now. But I’m not going to do that to you, to us.” I continue to thrust against her slowly, unable to stop myself from trying to alleviate some of my discomfort.
She shows her appreciation with a sharp thrust of her hips against my cock, sending a jolt of pleasure straight to my core. I know I can’t make love to her tonight. She’s too vulnerable after what just happened, and I don’t want our first time to be fueled by anger and hurt. I want her to remember it as a moment that is ours and ours alone; not marred by an ugly fight with her brother. My balls ache as I pull back, putting the smallest of spaces between our bodies, and yet it feels like miles; trying so hard to focus on getting her home before I fuck her right here, right now; to hell with good intentions.
I can’t do this to her.
I know she thought she could walk away from her brother and be okay with it, but she’s falling apart. It’s been almost three weeks since our run in at dinner, and Vittoria just isn’t the same. The sparkle in her eyes has faded, she doesn’t look at me the same way. I feel like every time I look in her eyes, all she sees is the reason that her brother won’t take her calls. We were supposed to spend this time together, exploring our new relationship, but we’ve barely seen each other, and when we have, it’s been… different. She’s different. She’s due to fly back out on tour tomorrow, and if I don’t let her go now, I won’t be able to.
I need to fix this. For her. For them. I should never have kissed her. I should never have let myself believe that I could have it all. A best friend who is like a brother, and a woman to love, and who loves me back. It’s just not in the cards for me. There are millions of women in New York, and I had to fall in love with Carter’s younger sister. It really is true what they say – you can’t choose who you love. But, you can choose whether or not to act on it, and I made the selfish choice, and now Vittoria is paying the price.
She’s going to hate me, but I hope that in the long run, she can forgive me, and see that what I’m about to do is because I love her. She should be here any minute, and I know that I’m going to want to cling to her with everything that I am, and never let her go, but I have to do this. If I don’t do it now, I never will. I couldn’t bear to have her resent me in a year or five years’ time, when she realizes that I’m the reason that her relationship with her brother will never be the same. Maybe this way, someday, she’ll forgive me, and I won’t have lost her from my life completely, and maybe I can repair the damage I’ve done to my friendship with Carter.
The doorbell rings and my heart lurches up into my throat. I take a deep breath, steeling myself for the vision of beauty that I know is waiting behind the door. How can I look her in the eyes, her stunning brown eyes, and tell her that we can’t be together? That I can’t give her all of the things in life that I want to.
A knock at the door, forces me to face my darkest fear.
She throws herself into my arms, kissing me with a vulnerable passion. She tastes like coffee and Vittoria. Bittersweet in more ways than one. The painful duality of it isn’t lost on me, and she senses my dilemma, pulling back, breaking what will probably be our final kiss, and staring up into my eyes with… love.
“I missed you. Are you okay? You seem… I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, you’re an amazing kisser, Mr. Fitzgerald.” It makes me hard hearing her say my name like that, even if she’s being playful. “But, you seem a little lackluster today. Do I smell bad, or do I look a mess?”
How could she ever think she’s anything less than perfect? I pull her back into my arms, selfish enough to want our last kiss to be something for her to remember me by; a kiss that conveys how deeply I feel for her. “You’re perfect, baby. Always perfect.” She flinches, but quickly melts into my arms when I close the door and press her gently against the cold, hard wood, and pour my soul into this kiss. I savor the smell of her perfume, the feel of her lips against my own; the taste of her tongue as it strokes mine. I love how her body molds to mine, as if she were the other half of me. I ache at the feel of her breasts pressed tightly against my chest, and how her hair feels as I tangle my fists into it, pulling her as close as possible. My heart beating in time with hers.
I never want to let go, but I know I have to.
I break our kiss, leaving us both breathless and desperate for more.
“I want you to make love to me, Logan.”
Her words cut me like a knife. “I can’t.” Resting my forehead against hers, I repeat the words over and over, a mantra; trying to convince myself to stay strong; to do the right thing by her. “I can’t… I can’t.”
“Why? I don’t understand. You have feelings for me. I want to be with you. I know I turn you on, I can feel you right now, hard and big, and ready for me. Why won’t you let this happen?” She slides her hand between our bodies, rubbing her hand over my erection, clouding my judgement, and making me want her so badly I feel like I might die if I don’t make love to her.
“You need to stop that. I… I can’t think straight when your hand is on my cock.”
“Then stop thinking, and feel it. I want you to make love to me before I have to leave you to go back out on tour tomorrow.”
I want to do that for her; I want to do that for me. But, what kind of man would I be if I chose my own pleasure over her relationship with her family? I would be a bastard, and a hypocrite. It goes against everything I believe as a Master. Her needs come before my own, even when she doesn’t see it. Even when she doesn’t understand that’s what I’m doing.
I find the strength to step back, to take her hand, and lead her to the couch. “Sit with me. We need to talk.”
“Nothing good ever came from that phrase. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”
I sit for a moment, trying to figure out how to say this. To speak the words that I never want to say. To break her heart, and my own.
“These past few months, the wedding, talking with you, and getting the rare chance to see you a couple of times, has been the most amazing time of my life.”
Her face looks tortured. She knows what’s coming. “Don’t do this, Logan. Please. Don’t.”
“Tori, if I thought it could be different, trust me, I would be doing everything in my power to keep you by my side. I’ve waited so long… to touch you, to taste you, to give you everything I have.”
“The
n why do I feel like you’re throwing me away, casting me aside because it’s too difficult.”
I grab her face in my hands, wiping the tears that mar her beautiful cheeks with my thumbs. “Please don’t think that. If it was only difficult for me, I would fight until my dying breath to be with you, but it’s not. I can’t be the reason that you and Carter don’t talk to each other.”
“He’ll come around. He’s a pigheaded asshole sometimes, but he’ll come around.”
“I broke his trust. I was his best friend, and I broke his trust. He loves you more than life itself. I understand where he’s coming from, and yeah, maybe he’ll come around, but it’ll never be the same, as long as you’re with me. I can’t shoulder that burden. You have a family that I would kill for, and I can’t come between you. I can’t do that to you. I care too much.”
She turns her face, pulling away from me, standing to put some distance between us. “That’s bullshit! You don’t care enough. If I was worth it, you wouldn’t let Carter or anyone else stand in the way.”
I can’t breathe.
“You’re not hearing me. This isn’t about me, or the way I feel. It’s about you and what’s best for you. Your family, your brother – you need them, and I would never forgive myself if I took that away from you; if you had to give them up to be with me.”
I try to comfort her, to hold her, but she pushes me away. “DON’T! You can’t have it all, Logan. You don’t get to touch me and kiss me, and discard me. Don’t fool yourself that this is about me; about protecting me. It’s about you. You thought you wanted me, and now that you realize you don’t, that reality isn’t as good as the fantasy, you want out. Fine. I’m out. Don’t speak to me, don’t look at me, and don’t come to my parents’ house. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
I try to stop her from walking out, “Please, Vittoria. That’s not true. Let me explain,” but as soon as my hand find hers, she whips round and slaps me in the face.
“FUCK YOU! I thought you were different. I thought I meant something to you.”
“You do. You mean everything to me.”
She slaps me again. “Don’t you dare say that to me. I know you, Logan. Better than you know yourself. You want to be in control of everything? Fine. Enjoy controlling all of the NOTHING and NO ONE in your life.”
She slams the door behind her, and the walls start closing in on me. I can’t speak. I can’t feel. It’s too painful. Knowing that she hates me, that she thinks I don’t care enough – will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I need to respect her wishes. She doesn’t want to see me again, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that.
I will never see Vittoria again… never hear her laugh… never see her smile… never watch her come apart under my touch.
I did the right thing for her. She needs her family, more than she needs me. I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be. I could have given up the lifestyle for her, but how long would it have lasted? Eventually I would have dragged her down with me, because I’m weak when it comes to her; I’m selfish. I want all of her, in every way possible. Her pleasure, her pain; her trust, her obedience; her love, and her submission. If Carter couldn’t accept us as a ‘normal’ couple, he never would have forgiven me for making her my submissive. It would have changed her irrevocably, and I love her too much to do that to her.
Hell, is this moment, this feeling. Nothing but darkness, and despair.
It’s been five weeks since Vittoria walked out of my apartment and out of my life, and it’s still as raw and painful as it was then.
Carter still won’t speak to me. Now I’m the asshole who not only had the audacity to try to date his sister, but I’m also the bastard who broke her heart. I can’t win either way. Xander told me that they’re talking to each other again, that she gave him a hard time for a while there, but now they’re slowly beginning to rebuild their relationship. It’s what I was hoping for, but hearing it didn’t seem like much of a consolation in the face of losing her. Strange I know – I broke up with her so she could fix her relationship with her brother, but I never could have anticipated the hole that has been left inside of me.
I’m going to meet Xander for lunch today, to try and take my mind off of everything. I haven’t set foot inside Andromeda for months, but I’m scheduled to do a Master class on punishment tomorrow night, and I can’t muster any enthusiasm for it. I figured if I go out and interact with a friend then it might get me out of the funk I’ve been in. At least a little. I’ve been avoiding everyone lately. Xander is so happy with Lily, Carter won’t speak to me, and I just couldn’t be bothered hanging out with anyone else and being completely fake. I’m tired of being fake with everyone, all the fucking time.
I can’t tell people I’m a Master Dominant. I can’t tell anyone at Andromeda that I’ve been in love with the same girl for over eight years and would have tried to give up the lifestyle to be with her. They wouldn’t understand. I can’t tell the bands I work with, how badly I wish I had everything that I strive to get them on a daily basis. I feel like I’m so busy being what everyone else wants me to be, that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m lost in my own web of deceit.
Xander arrives with a grin on his face and a slap on the back, dragging me from my self-pity.
“How the fuck are you? I haven’t seen you since the horror that was dinner.”
“Hey, man. Things are… fine.”
“Wow. Don’t give up the day job to become an actor. You suck at it. How are you really?”
We’re seated straight away. It always helps when you’re eating with the restaurant owner. I swear he owns half of Manhattan! We order some food and drinks, and then the inquisition begins.
“What the hell happened, Logan? You told me you loved her. You finally tell Carter, and then you walk away. I don’t get it. Why didn’t you fight for her? What changed?”
So much for forgetting my troubles for a few hours.
“She did. She changed. After dinner, everything changed. She didn’t look at me the same way, she was always sad. Carter kept rejecting her calls, and I just couldn’t be the reason for that. I let her go because I love her. That will never change.”
“Look, I know he can be an insufferable asshole at times, but he would have come around eventually. For her, he would have. You? He might have cut your balls off, but he would’ve gotten there in the end.”
“No, he wouldn’t. I get it. She’s amazing and beautiful and it’s impossible not to love her with a real intensity and a need to protect her. Whether you love her, or you’re in love with her, it’s the same. She inspires that in people. Look how you reacted when you first found out. You were ready to smear me across the wall of your building. Carter feels that tenfold, and I can’t hold that against him. He wants the best for her, and I’m not it.”
He scrubs his hand over his jaw before downing the Scotch in front of him. “Fucking hell. I was expecting a laid-back lunch, some laughs and some sports talk. This is some heavy shit you’re laying on me right now.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking fed up with my life at the moment.”
“Can I ask you a question? And I want an honest answer.”
“Go for it.”
“Why do you believe that you’re not what’s best for Vittoria. Carter’s reaction aside. If she loves you and you love her, why wouldn’t you be good for her?”
“It’s complicated.”
“So, un-fucking-complicate it for me. Whatever it is, it’s obviously eating away at you, so tell me.”
He’s right. I feel like I’m going to drown if I don’t just level with one person in my life. One person that can know who I am – all of me.
“I’m a Dominant.”
“Yeah. So? I already suspected that.”
I’m floored by his reaction. “What?”
“Come on, Logan. The way you are with women, it’s not a giant leap to connect the dots. You cover it well, but I�
�ve known you for a long fucking time. What I don’t understand is, why this is a problem?”
“Go say that to Carter and see if he thinks it’s a problem.” Why is he so okay with this? I’ve never told anyone because I was concerned that they would judge me, that they wouldn’t understand, and here I sit with one of my closest friends, and he’s acting like I just told him the most normal thing in the world. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
“You know I would do anything for him, but you can’t live your life based on his opinion. If it’s what Vittoria wants, what you both want, then it’s none of his business. He doesn’t exactly have a fantastic track record in the way he’s treated women. He’s made choices that I don’t agree with, but it’s his life. You make choices that I wouldn’t, but I don’t need to live your life. I do what I want with Lily, and it’s no one’s business but ours. Our relationship, physical and emotional, is only between us. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, and neither should you.”
“That’s just it though. I don’t know if it’s what she wanted. I never told her.”
“What the fuck?”
“We only saw each other a few times before I ended things. I never slept with her. I never told her, because I didn’t want to risk losing her. I lost her anyway in the end, so I guess I’ll never know.”
“I’m sorry man. I just assumed... when I saw you two together at dinner. She seems… I don’t know what the right terminology is… submissive, to you. You seem like a good match for each other, and Vittoria craves structure. She needs it in her life.”
“The way you speak about her, you mentioned it before… did something happen to her that I don’t know about?”
“I can’t answer that, Logan. It’s not my place. Just know that she’s been through a lot, she came out the other side, and that I think you could have been good for her.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know.”
Xander’s phone starts to ring. “Speak of the devil himself.”
