by Sienna Parks
“Hospital? Is she okay? What happened?” I can barely hear over the sound of my own heartbeat thundering in my ears.
“She was found in her hotel room by the housekeeping staff. She… it looks like she tried to commit suicide.”
My mind starts racing, this can’t be right. They must have the wrong person. Vittoria would never do that to herself, or to us.
“You must be mistaken. I spoke to her last night.” Please be wrong. Please let it be someone else.
“I’m sorry, sir. There’s no mistake. I’ve spoken with her, and she advised me to call this number and no other contact in her phone.”
“She’s talking? Thank God. Is she going to be okay?”
“Yes. Physically she’s going to be fine. Emotionally, she needs a lot of support.”
“I’ll fly out today, but it will be tomorrow before my flight arrives. Can I speak to her?”
“I’m sorry, but she’s not well enough to use the phone at the moment. She’s resting after the procedure.”
“What procedure?”
“They had to pump her stomach. It was an overdose. Vicodin.”
Holy fuck. This can’t be happening. “Please, tell her that I’m on my way, and that I love her.”
“I will, Mr. Fitzgerald.”
I can’t think straight, a thousand thoughts going round my head at a million miles a minute.
“Can you give me the address?”
“Of course.”
She gives me the address, and as I stare down at the napkin in front of me, my handwriting almost illegible because my hands are shaking so much, I realize that she said Budapest.
“Budapest? She’s supposed to be in Italy. She left Budapest months ago.”
“I’m sorry. I know this must be a shock, and I don’t know what she told you, but she is most definitely in Budapest.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to curse like that.”
“It’s quite alright. It’s a lot to take in. When you arrive tomorrow, give your name at reception and they will tell you where to go. I’ll make sure they’re expecting you.”
“Thank you.”
I hang up the phone, dazed, confused, and terrified beyond anything my brain can comprehend. It’s a physical reaction; I feel like my life’s blood has drained from my body, leaving only fear, coursing through my veins, and straight to my heart. I forget where I am, until a thick Scottish brogue cuts through the fog.
Campbell and the boys excused themselves from the table when I answered the call, taking residence at the bar to give me some privacy. Only Campbell has returned.
“Are you alright, Logan? You look white as a fuckin’ sheet. I dinnae mean to eavesdrop, but I heard you mention Vittoria before I left the table. Is she okay?”
I drop my head into my hands, unable to speak, to voice the horrific news that I’ve just been given. If I say it out loud, it makes it real, and this… this cannot be real. Why would she do this? I spoke to her last night, and I asked her if she was okay. She told me she was just tired. She lied to me. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I should have been there.”
“Logan. Say somethin’. You’re really fuckin’ scarin’ me. Is she okay?”
I take a deep, shaky breath, searching for the right words. “She’s in hospital, in Budapest. She’s going to be fine, I think, but it’s serious. I need to go. I need to be with her.”
“Fuckin’ hell. I’m so sorry. What can I do to help?
“I’m sorry, Campbell. I’ll need to find someone to see out the rest of the tour with you. I hate to let you down.” My thoughts are scattered, jumping from one thing to the next. “I need to call Carter. Wait… the nurse said Vittoria doesn’t want anyone else to be called. What the fuck do I do?” I start scrambling around on the table for my phone, and the napkin with the hospital address, rambling like a madman about what I need to do in order to get to her.
Campbell pulls a chair up next to me, sits down calmly, and pulls me into a hug. He doesn’t speak, he literally just holds me together, letting me gain whatever strength I can from him. I’m not one for hugging other guys, but, in this moment, I need it, and he knows it.
“Anythin’ you need, Logan, I’m here for you. Don’t gie us or the tour a second thought. We’re big enough an’ ugly enough to get on wi’ it. There are much more important things in life. What matters is that Vittoria is goin’ to be okay. She’s goin’ to get better. What we need to focus on right now, is gettin’ you the fuck outta here and on a flight to Budapest.” He lets go and moves back, giving me space, waiting for me to speak.
“Okay. I need to find out when the next flight is, and I need to get back to the hotel and pack some clothes and get my passport.”
“Right. I’ll call the airline and see when the next flight leaves. You take a moment, take a breath, an’ then we can go back to the hotel an’ get yer gear.” He turns toward the bar, signaling Rhuari to come over. “Get Logan a double Scotch, an’ then take the lads an’ make yerselves scarce. I’ll meet up wi’ you later at the hotel.”
Rhuari gives me a sympathetic look, obviously aware that something is wrong, even if he doesn’t know what it is. He does as he’s asked without question, and as soon as he sets my drink down, he squeezes my shoulder, and leaves with the other boys; each of them giving me a subtle nod as they head out through the revolving glass doors of the restaurant.
I down the Scotch, needing something to take the edge off my utter despair. I feel helpless, lost, and completely disconnected from reality. Campbell is deep in conversation with the airline as I grab a passing waiter and ask for the check. When I turn my attention back to him, he swears at the person on the other end of the phone and slams it down on the table. “For fuck’s sake!”
“When’s the next flight, Cam?”
“The next flight out is tomorrow, an’ it’s fully booked. They said they could put you on standby, but failin’ that, it would be Friday.”
“It’s Tuesday! They’re saying I can’t get to her until Friday? Which means I wouldn’t arrive in Budapest until Saturday morning.”
“That’s no’ fuckin’ happenin’. I’ll call every other airline there is until I find you a flight leaving today. Fuckin’ ridiculous.”
“Wait. I might have a way. Call the hotel and ask them to pack up my room right away and have the bags ready at the front desk.”
“I’m on it.”
I take out my phone and dial Xander. If there was ever a time to ask him for a huge favor, this is it.
He answers on the second ring. “Hey, bro. Where the hell are you? Jet-setting all over the place as usual?”
“Xander, I need your help.”
He can tell by the tone of my voice that I’m not kidding around. “Anything. What do you need?”
“I need your plane. I need to get to Budapest right fucking now.”
“What’s wrong? What’s happened? What’s in Budapest?”
“Vittoria. She’s in hospital.”
“Where are you? I’ll have it fueled and ready to come get you within the hour.”
“I’m in L.A. Fuck, Xander, I’m going out of my mind here.”
“Have you called Carter?”
“She doesn’t want anyone else there. I promise I’ll call him as soon as I’ve seen her, but I need to respect her wishes. This is as serious as it gets.”
“He has a right to know, but I’ll let you be the one to tell him. Do you want me to come with you?”
“Thank you, but no. I need to do this on my own.”
“Okay. There’s no point in me getting my plane to come from New York to L.A; that will just waste time. I’m going to organize a private jet to take you straight from L.A.X. That way I can have you in the air within the hour. I’ll arrange transport for you when you get to Budapest and I’ll make reservations for you at a hotel close to the hospital. You just get your passport and get to the airport.”
“I don’t know how to thank you. I’m losing i
t here. I spoke to her last night and she was fine.”
“It’s going to be okay. I’ll go make some calls. You just go and look after her. She’s family.”
“She’s my life, Xander. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
“I know, man… I know.”
I hang up the phone to see Campbell settling the bill.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Shut the fuck up. Now, let’s go an’ get yer shit from the hotel. Are we goin’ straight to the airport after that?”
“Yeah. Xander is arranging a plane to take me from L.A.X.”
“He’s a fuckin’ stand-up guy. I like him a lot. Now let’s get outta here. You’ve got a plane to catch.”
We head back to the hotel, and as requested my bags are waiting at the front desk.
I’m so caught up in what I’m doing, trying to get to Vittoria, that it doesn’t really hit me until I’m outside waiting on a cab to take me to the airport. She tried to kill herself. I feel like I’ve been hit in the chest with a Mack truck, and my eyes fill with tears. I don’t remember the last time I cried. I think it was the day my dad left when I was eight years old. The emotion is too much to bear, and my silent tears are the only release I allow myself, the only weakness I can show before I see her. I wipe my face, unwilling to let myself shed another tear.
Campbell is standing next to me and I don’t know why, maybe it’s because he’s become one of my closest friends, or maybe it’s because I just need to say the words out loud, but I tell him the truth.
“She tried to kill herself. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me, and she tried to kill herself.”
I can’t even look him in the eyes, I’m so ashamed of myself for letting her down.
“Holy fuckin’ shit!! I’m comin’ wi’ you, Logan. No man should have to deal wi’ somethin’ like this. It’s too much for anyone to shoulder alone.”
“She doesn’t want anyone else to come, not even her brother Carter.”
“Isn’t he your best friend?”
“Yes. This will devastate him. How the hell do I tell him?”
“I know she dinnae want you to tell anyone, but she dinnae really know what’s best for her right now. You’ll hate yourself if you keep this from her family. She needs all the love and support she can get. Tell them they cannae visit her until she says so, but let them be there for her. You can explain everythin’ to them face to face when you get there, but tell them to come. You need the support as much as she does, an’ if you don’t tell them, then I’m getting’ on that plane wi’ you.”
“You can’t do that. You have a tour to finish.”
“Fuck the tour! I appreciate everythin’ you’ve done for us, an’ I’m lovin’ every minute of it, but I learned at a very young age, that people are what’s important in life, Logan. I will walk away from it if you need me there wi’ you. No questions asked.”
“You’re an amazing man, Campbell, and a really good friend. You’re right. I need to tell Carter and the rest of her family. I’ll call when I get to the airport.”
My cab pulls up, and I breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that I’m finally on my way to her.
“Let me know how she’s doin’, and if you need anythin’, just call me.”
“Thanks.” I throw my bags in the trunk and jump into the backseat, but just before I close the door, Campbell leans in.
“Just remember, none of this is your fault. She’s in a bad place, an’ only she can get herself out of it. You dinnae fail her. Sometimes life pulls people intae a darkness that no’ even love can conquer. All you can do is focus on her, and be there to offer her the strength to fight, and come out the other side.”
“I should have been there.”
“You cannae change it now. You have to move forward. Dinnae waste yer energy on the past. Now go and get yer lassie an’ bring her home.” He shuts the cab door, and gives me a somber nod as I pull away into the L.A. traffic.
I take a few minutes to breathe, digesting everything that he said to me. He’s right. Vittoria doesn’t know what’s best for her right now, and I’m supposed to be her Master. My job is to act in her best interests, even if she hates me for it, and that’s what I’m going to do.
I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Carter’s number.
“Logan. How the fuck are you?”
“Carter. I need you to listen to me. I’m on my way to L.A.X, and I need you to call Xander and get on his plane.”
“What the fuck?”
“Vittoria is in hospital in Budapest. It’s serious, but she’s going to be okay. I got a call less than an hour ago; I didn’t get to speak to her, but the nurse assured me that she’ll be okay. I can’t go into the details just now, and honestly, I don’t really know what happened, or what’s going on. She asked them not to call anyone else on her contacts list, but I know she’s not thinking straight. She needs you, and so do I.”
“Fuck! What the fuck happened? I’ll call Xander and see if he can get me out there as soon as possible. Text me the hospital details and I’ll meet you there.”
“Carter, I know you want to see her, but I think that I should go and see her alone. She didn’t want anyone else to come, and I need to prepare her for seeing you. From what the nurse told me, she’s in a fragile state, and it could be worse for her if we both just show up and bombard her with questions.”
“She’s my fucking sister. If anyone should be going to see her, it should be me.”
“Not happening. I’m sorry, I know it’s shit, and I shouldn’t be asking this of you, but remember that I didn’t need to call you. She didn’t want me to. I’m putting my foot down on this. I see her alone to tell her you’re with me, or you don’t come. Your choice.”
“And who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m the guy that’s going to be by her side, and love her until the day I fucking die. So back the fuck off. I know that it’s hard. I’m going out of my mind here, but we need to keep it together for Vittoria. She needs us, both of us; and us fighting over who has more claim to her, isn’t going to help her in the slightest. I’m going completely against her wishes here, so at least afford me the chance to speak to her and explain.”
“Fine. If she doesn’t… I can’t believe she’s there alone.”
“I know, man, I know. Just get on the flight as soon as you can and we’ll deal with everything else when we get there. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m fucking lost, and terrified, and I don’t know what else to say.”
“I’ll meet you at whatever hotel we end up in. Keep in touch and let me know the minute you’ve seen her and know that she’s going to be okay.”
“Will do. Travel safe, brother.”
“You, too. And Logan, thank you for calling me when she asked you not to.”
“See you in Budapest.”
I hang up the phone, uncertain of whether or not I’ve just sealed my fate with Vittoria. She may never forgive me for this, but at the end of the day, it’s a risk I have to take. I’m going to do what I think is right for her, whether she likes it or not. I feel so guilty for not telling Carter why she’s in hospital, but it’s not something that anyone should hear over the phone, I can attest to that.
Xander is true to his word, as always, and as soon as I set foot inside the airport, I’m met by a representative who fast-tracks me through all the necessary checks and leads me out to my waiting jet. I will never be able to repay him for getting me to her as quickly as possible.
The staff are kind and attentive, but all I can think of is her. I’m consumed with thoughts of our interactions over the past few months, playing them over and over in my mind, kicking myself for not listening to that niggling feeling that something wasn’t right with her. I brushed it off as par for the course in a long-distance relationship. It’s hard to maintain intimacy when you’re so far away from each other, and have busy lives. I should have pushed her harder to talk to me, to share how she w
as feeling.
When I realize that she’s been lying to me for months, hiding where she was, pretending that she was still on tour, I’m so fucking angry with her. I have no idea who she is, or what is going on in her life; so many unanswered questions. Why isn’t she with the rest of the ballet company? Why did she lie to me? Why did she feel she couldn’t confide in me? And, the one question that plays on a loop in my mind, over and over again – Why did she try to kill herself?
Time ticks by in slow motion as I stare out at the clouds, soaring 30,000 ft. above ground. I’ve always thought that there is something so beautiful and so serene about flying, like being given a glimpse of heaven; but today, it feels like the worst kind of hell. Every minute feels like an hour, every hour feels like a day. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that I’m not by her side; that I’m not there to tell her how much I love her, and to beg her to fight.
She can’t give up. If she does, she won’t just be ending her own life… she’ll be ending mine.
I don’t know what I was expecting to see, or how I expected her to look when I finally got here. I had to come straight from the airport, I couldn’t wait any longer, but I’m beyond exhausted. I didn’t sleep at all on the flight here, too worried to find any respite. She’s sleeping when I arrive, but the nurses have been great, letting me sit with her, and filling me in on how she’s been doing today. They said her vitals are good, her system is clear of drugs, and she managed to eat breakfast this morning. They also told me that she hasn’t spoken, or even made eye contact with anyone; she’s been staring out the window, clutching a piece of paper that she had in her hand when they found her. Apparently, she was screaming for it when she came round, and luckily, one of the nurses had kept it along with her personal effects.
I can see it crumpled loosely in her hand, and when I spy the Paris hotel emblem on one of the corners, I’m filled with… I don’t even know what the word is for the way I feel. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Love, fear, love, anger, and more love than I ever thought possible. She’s holding onto the letter I wrote the last time we were together. She’s holding onto… me. She looks so small and fragile, even thinner than before - frail. All I want to do is gather her up into my arms and never let go, but I’m afraid I would break her tiny frame. I remove my letter from her hand, careful not to wake her. She needs to rest, and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to her yet. I don’t want to say the wrong thing; I want to be everything that she needs me to be.
