Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  There was a woman sitting on the couch next to Beth, and for a minute, I thought I recognized her.

  “Ryan, this is Cornelia. She’s the one who is so gracious and helps me practically raise this little rug rat.”

  My smile pulled easily across my face at Beth’s scowl.

  “I’m not a peanut or a rug rat.” Beth folded her arms and had a pout on her lips.

  Cornelia laughed openly. “It’s nice to meet you, Ryan. I come into Red’s from time to time, but I don’t think I’ve ever officially met you.” She stood and offered me her hand. She gave me her firmest grip, and I imagined she was protective of Maggie. It was a good quality to have. “I’ll give you guys a minute while I pack a bag for Beth.”

  “Thanks again for taking her tonight. It makes my morning so much easier.” Maggie exhaled as she sat next to Beth. “My shifts are all over the place lately. I worked twelve to twelve yesterday, and now seven to seven tomorrow. I’m burning my candle at both ends.”

  “I say call in sick tomorrow. Do something for you, Maggie. You deserve a break.” Cornelia walked past me and gave me a secret smile. “I’ll be right back. Beth, I’ll grab your book bag, too, Honey.”

  As she left the room, my nerves spiked. I was beginning to reconsider this whole just showing up idea I’d had. She’d asked me to stay away, but the longer I tried, the more it became clear I wasn’t capable of staying away from Maggie. Her eyes were distant as they trained on the fireplace behind me. She was withdrawn, and I deserved the chilly reception. Beth, on the other hand, she was practically bouncing on the couch, her eyes on the bag in my hand. I had to give it to her. For a small child, she was very polite and patient. My lips spread involuntarily, and the warmth I felt just being here, for now, had to be enough.

  I knelt down in front of Beth and handed her the bag. Maggie finally brought her gaze to mine when Beth squealed. The blue pools of Maggie’s eyes shimmered, and her full, pink lips pulled into a dimpled smile. The pressure in my chest lifted, and it took all my restraint not to touch her cheek like I would’ve if I hadn’t fucked up. I wanted her to feel me, to feel how much I missed her.

  Beth’s gasp broke our stare.

  “Mom! Look!”

  The shiny necklace dangled carefully in the air as Beth held it up for display. The tiny honey bee charm swayed from the center of the silver rope.

  “Ryan.” Maggie’s tone was breathless. “It’s perfect.” Her eyes spilled over with tears, and her lips trembled as she tried to reign in her reaction.

  “May I?” I lifted my chin to the piece of jewelry in Beth’s hand, and she nodded appreciatively.

  The silver felt fragile in my large hands as I struggled with the tiny clasp, but once it was secured around her neck, Beth jumped from the couch and hugged me. Her small arms wrapped around my neck and her face burrowed into my shoulder. I inhaled, and her scent of strawberries pulled into my lungs. Maggie watched with a smile, her cheeks were wet and she mouthed the words thank you. All the reservation I had… finally… finally disappeared. This was where I wanted to be. They were the ones I wanted in my life. This woman… this little girl… they were just as much mine as Belle had been, and as Beth pulled away and kissed my cheek, my heart nearly stopped. It wasn’t perfect, it sure as hell wasn’t what I ever expected, but it felt good. Beth crinkled her nose and wiped at her mouth with a giggle, and I laughed.

  “What?” I asked, the humor in my tone magnified Maggie’s smile.

  “Your beard is kind of gross.” Beth’s nose was wrinkled, and the corners of her lips danced as she fought a smile.

  I laughed again and asked, “But you like the necklace, though? Right?”

  “I’ll never take it off.” Beth brought her hand to the charm that sat a few inches from her neck. “Thank you.”

  “I say a man who buys you jewelry is a keeper in my book,” Cornelia said, and I stood from my kneeling position.

  “It looks like you got everything,” Maggie said as she stood as well.

  “I packed it all. Beth, just grab your new blanket if you want to bring it.” Cornelia’s hands were full. She had a backpack and a knapsack balanced with a pillow and a large stuffed Hulk.

  “You need a hand with that?” I offered.

  “No, I’m a professional,” she said with a grin.

  “Aww, Mom, I want to stay with you guys,” Beth whined, and Maggie laughed.

  “It’s easier this way. Unless you want to stay and get up at the crack of dawn, I suggest you go have a sleepover with Mrs. Samson.”

  Beth rolled her eyes and grabbed the blanket that was laying on the couch. She hugged her mom and seemed reluctant to let go. “Don’t worry, Bee, I have the next four days off after tomorrow.”

  Beth gave me another thank you, and her smile was huge as she moved to leave.

  “I’ll see you around eight tomorrow night?”

  Maggie groaned. “Yup, hopefully no later. Thanks again. I really need the rest.”

  “Anytime, I enjoy having her over. We have lots of fun and girl talk.” Cornelia ruffled the top of Beth’s head, and Beth giggled. “See you tomorrow, Maggie.”

  “Bye, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, Honey Bee.”

  Cornelia opened the front door, and I wondered if maybe I should be leaving too. “I should let you get some sleep.”

  Maggie shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I want to talk to you.” She smiled at Beth and blew her a kiss just as the door shut behind them.

  She wanted to talk, and I had so much to say. I just hoped I actually had the fucking strength to get through it.

  Maggie’s eyes found mine, and she wiped at the stray moisture from her cheeks. “I want full disclosure, Ryan, or you can just leave.” She exhaled sharply. “Sorry, that was—”

  “Deserved.” I took a step toward her, and her posture stiffened. She was bracing herself already. My stomach churned. I’d give her full disclosure and then I’d leave with the small memories I had, knowing that at least I had tried, that I had given her the real me. I couldn’t expect more than that. “Maggie, I’m sorry.” I placed my hand on her shoulder and she relaxed.

  Her eyes searched my face. “Who’s Belle?”

  The name fell from her lips and the grip of each letter squeezed my throat. The tight pain took my breath away, and my breathing became erratic. Panic… it always consumed me. I swayed, and she grabbed my arm.

  “Ryan?” The fear in her voice shook me.

  I closed my eyes and shoved the anxiety down. My chest moved heavy with each breath. “She’s my daughter.”

  The silence was profuse and substantial as I opened my eyes. Maggie’s cheeks were wet again with fresh tears. “Your daughter? You… you have—”

  “She’s dead.” The two words tore me open again like they had the first time I ever uttered them. A sob escaped my chest, and my legs almost gave out. Those two fucking words had destroyed me for so long, but to see them hanging between Maggie and me, out in the open, it was a relief. I never wanted her to have to save me, but without knowing it, I’d let her throw me a line.

  Maggie closed the distance between us, resting her head on my chest. The heat of her cheek and the dampness of her tears seeped through the white cotton.

  “H-how?” she stuttered the word as she tried to catch her breath.

  I brought my cheek to the top of her head and closed my eyes. The surroundings were too much of a reminder of my reality. If I shut my eyes and let the words be free, maybe I could live again. Maybe I could open my eyes, and this room wouldn’t feel so suffocating. “Belle was three years old when she died. She used to sleep walk, open doors. It was crazy. I never worried, though. She’d never left the house before.” I sucked in a ragged drag of air and continued as Maggie’s arms held me firmly in place. “The night she died, it had been raining, and it was the only time she’d ever gone outside while sleep walking. She was struck by a vehicle, killed instantly…” my voice was barely a whisper as I stave
d off the tension brewing in my gut, “…it was a hit and run.”

  Maggie pulled back, and I opened my eyes as I lifted my head. She placed her hands, in her spot, just above my heart, and when her eyes found mine, they were filled with more than tears, more than sorrow, they were filled with the knowledge of loss. “Did they ever find—”

  I nodded my head, and a small cry sounded from Maggie’s lips. “It was a drunk driver. But, that’s the messed up thing, Maggie. I don’t blame him.”

  The crease between Maggie’s eyes deepened. “What do you mean?”

  My hands moved to her waist. I needed to be close to her, to feel the security of her touch. Otherwise, my temper, my anger… it was combustible, and Maggie shouldn’t have to witness that. “I blame my ex-wife. She was having an affair with my best friend from the firehouse. She was fucking him that night, left the front door unlocked for him after I left for my shift.” I wanted to break something, and I realized my grasp on Maggie’s waist was too tight. I dropped my hands and turned away.

  “Don’t shut down, please… please look at me.” Maggie pleaded and wound her arms around my body.

  The side of her face rested on my back and her palms laid flat on my chest. My jaw ticked as I stared straight forward. The hold I had over my emotions began to slip and all the pain, the deep searing reality of what I’d done nearly choked me silent. Angry tears spilled down my cheeks as I tried to summon the strength to continue.

  “I came home to tell her, to tell her what had happened to our baby girl. It was pouring, and I was soaked from the rain and Belle’s blood.” I choked down a sob. “The front door was left open, Maggie, wide fucking open, so when I pulled into the driveway, I grabbed my gun from the lock box in my car. I thought maybe an intruder could have been in the house, but instead, I found them… in our bed. I was already gone the minute I held Belle in my arms, but when I caught them, I’d lost any sense of right and wrong, and in the heat of the moment I pulled the trigger. I shot him.”

  Maggie released me from her embrace, and as I turned to look at her, I was met with a fearful gaze. “You shot him?” I nodded, and she brought her shaking hands to her lips while the tears streamed down her cheeks. “Did… I mean… is he—”

  “Dead? No.”

  She exhaled.

  “But I wish he was. I wish they both were, Maggie. I’d do life this time instead of ten years in prison. If I had a chance to go back and repeat that moment, I would’ve aimed lower. They killed my daughter.”

  The fury I’d felt that night hadn’t diminished with time, but finally speaking the words, and letting her see the rotted wound of what I’d become—it was cathartic.

  Maggie didn’t look at me with disgust like I thought she would’ve. She watched me carefully for a moment, her expression blank before she wiped the tears from under her eyes. “Ryan, I—”

  “Wait. That’s not the worst part.” I scrubbed my palm down my face and locked my eyes on hers. I took a step toward her, and when she didn’t back away, I used the opportunity to place my hands on her cheeks.

  “It’s not?” her top lip shivered as she spoke.

  “I was working, Maggie. I was called to the scene. I saw her, I saw my Belle… covered in a sheet. I held her body in my arms. I saw the damage they caused with their selfish fucking affair. My reason for living died in that gutter, alone. And the worst part is, I know in my heart, at some point, she woke up… she was awake. It was pouring, Maggie…” Tears fell down my face in a torrent, and my words seeped from my lips in angry sobs. “She would’ve been cold, and confused… frightened. My baby girl…” my nostrils flared as I tried to speak through my own personal hell, “… she died scared and alone. I fucking live with this regret… What if I stayed home that night? What if I’d been a better husband? What if—” I couldn’t breathe; my heart was in my throat and my hold on Maggie’s face slipped.

  She brought her palms to the back of my hands, supporting my hold. “Stop,” she cried out. Maggie tilted her head back, and her tear filled eyes pierced through mine. The fear — it was gone. “Just stop.” She moved her hands to frame my face, and I let my head fall slowly forward, resting my forehead against hers. “What-ifs… Ryan, they’ll ruin you.”

  “I’m already ruined, Maggie, I’m already gone.” I closed my eyes and breathed her in. I breathed in the acceptance, and I felt light-headed. My pulse hammered behind my temples, but as she trailed her thumb back and forth along my jaw, I began to feel at ease. All my secrets were out. I showed her what was left of me and she was still here.

  “You may be ruined, Ryan, but you’re not gone. You’ve just changed… adapted, and I see … the man you’ve become… and he’s beautiful. You’re shattered, but I can still see your light. Even through all the tiny cracks, you still shine.” She pulled away, and a tear trickled down her cheek and lingered at the corner of her mouth.

  “I tried to stay away like you asked, but I’ve allowed myself to care about you. I let you in, Maggie, and I just couldn’t… Beth, she looks so much like my Belle, and seeing her… it slices me up. She’s my ghost, but I want the blade because having you both in my life, having this…” I kissed her slowly, and her sweet taste opened my veins and fed my rapid pulse. I pulled away, and the dizzy feeling returned as I caught my bearings. “…it takes away the pain, it cuts past my ugly history and releases the vice from my chest. You and Beth… you give me something to look forward to. I didn’t tell you because I was scared you’d be afraid, that you wouldn’t want a man like me around your daughter.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know too many people who wouldn’t have pulled that trigger.”

  “Do you mean that?”

  “I’d never judge you, Ryan. You…” She swallowed. “What you went through… no one should ever have to suffer that. I want to be here for you.”

  “I meant it when I said I’m beyond rescue. Some things, Maggie, they just never heal.”

  “And they shouldn’t.” She placed her cheek on my chest again, and I cradled her head in my hand.

  “You deserve better.” The statement was a slight whisper, not meant to be heard, but when she answered, the sprig of hope I’d allowed in took root.

  “I’ll be the judge of that.”

  His heart thundered loudly in my ear with its usual irregular beat. It was a hard felt truth. I’d never be enough for this real man… this broken soul. I’d never fix him. The loss of a child… he would never be whole again, and the pain in my sternum split me open. I wished, God, I wished I could pour half of my soul into his chest, give him that happiness he deserved, the love he’d once had, but I couldn’t. He was wrong; I didn’t deserve him. He’d chosen me. I was the special one who got to hold a piece of his broken heart, and I’d never felt so lucky. I didn’t fear the choices he’d made, I bowed to them. Call me crazy, but I’d have done the same thing.

  Ryan pulled me closer, and I wasn’t sure where he ended and I began anymore. My tears hadn’t stopped since I watched this stoic man fall apart, and the cotton of Ryan’s shirt was wet against my cheek. If I ever lost Beth — the thought made my knees weak — I’d never survive the loss.

  Ryan kissed the top of my head and spoke into my hair. “I should be more than a dark cloud on your life, Maggie, but I—”

  I leaned back and looked into his eyes. “You’re not a dark cloud…” I had to find my breath and the lump in my throat was threatening to silence me again, “…you’re so good with Beth, even though it hurts you to be around her… you still tried… you’re still trying, and that’s all I need. Flaws and all — I’m here, Ryan.”

  A small smile twitched the corner of his lips as he wiped my tears away with the pad of his thumb. His own eyes were rimmed with red and his lashes were wet. “You didn’t let me finish my thought. I don’t want you to waste your time trying to mend my wounds… you can’t. I don’t want my past to hover over you and Beth, but… you make me want to try again…” His eyes fell to my mouth, and m
y breath hitched. “I can’t figure a way out of it anymore.”

  He leaned down gradually, and my heart fluttered wildly in my ribcage. “A way out of what?”

  The sweet heat of his kiss enveloped me, the salt from his tears still evident on his lips, and when he stopped to speak, I almost wished I hadn’t asked the question. “You. I can’t see any way around it. You and Beth… I care about you, and it just feels… right.” He released me from his hold, and my eyes closed as his rough palms held my face.

  “I care about you, too.” My eyes opened and my gaze fell into his. “I know I can’t make things magically better for you. I’m not going to try and change you because I know I can’t. But, what you said is the truth. It feels right, and I just want time, Ryan… time with you.”

  He held my stare. “Time.” The word slipped past his lips and lingered in the coveted space between us. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. As he spoke, his breath tickled the skin. “I can give you that.”

  Goose bumps ran down my neck and arms, and all the butterflies in my stomach soared. “I made you a pie.” My nose crinkled, and I shut my eyes tight with embarrassment as he chuckled at my nervous and random outburst. Having him this close, his lips at my ear… it twisted up my sensibilities.

  “You did?” He stood at his full height, lacing his hand with mine, and his mouth was spread into a giant grin.

  My awkwardness melted away as Ryan’s brown eyes lit with humor. “I did. Wishful thinking?” I shrugged. “Come on, I’ll get you a slice.”