Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  “Could be? It already is, son… it already is.”

  “Mac and cheese is pretty simple to make, and it’s the blue box in the cupboard.” Maggie picked up her keys as she spoke in a hurry. “And, she needs to be in bed no later than eight.”

  “Awe, Mom, but—”

  “No later than eight.” Maggie narrowed her eyes at me, and I held up my hands in surrender. “I’m serious. She’s a devil in the morning, and—”

  “Maggie.” I laughed and wrapped my arms around her waist. “I know how to make mac and cheese.” I kissed her forehead, and she exhaled.

  “I know.” Her laugh was light as she looked up at me.

  “I got this.” I smiled.

  “He’s got this, Mom.” Beth looked at Maggie with a lopsided smirk.

  Maggie pulled away. “Call me if you need me. And, you…” She pointed at Beth. “…no funny business, all right Bee?”

  Beth rolled her eyes as Maggie reached up on her tiptoes and kissed me on the lips. It was too quick. I wanted a minute to savor her, but it was my fault she was running late as it was.

  “Have a good night.” I laced my fingers with hers as we walked through the family room.

  I released her hand as she spoke and opened the door for her. “I’ll be home around six.”

  “I’ll keep the bed warm for you.”

  I gave her one last kiss on the forehead before she left, and when I turned around, Beth gave me a smile. “I hate mac and cheese.”

  “Let’s see what you guys have.” I made my way to the kitchen and rummaged through Maggie’s pantry. She didn’t have much. “Looks like its mac and cheese or spaghetti?”

  “Spaghetti!” she squealed, and I shook my head with a laugh.

  Beth loved to cook. She listened, she watched, and she soaked up every last word I said like it was the most important thing in the world. There were times when I looked at her that I thought about what Belle would be like at this age. Would she be loving and bright like Beth? Beth’s eyes reminded me so much of her… of Birdie, and as I watched her crack the dry noodles in half and dump them in the water, that familiar twitch of pain squeezed my chest.

  “Did I do it right?” She smiled up at me from her stool, and my lips broke into a grin.

  “You did it perfectly, Bee.” I grabbed her waist and helped her down from the stool.

  “Now what?” she asked.

  “Now we wait.” I pressed the buttons on the stove, setting the timer before I stirred the sauce once more and turned the burner to low.

  Her shoulders fell dramatically and she exhaled. “Why does everything take so long?”

  I chuckled and ruffled the hair on the top of her head. “Seven minutes. Here…” I grabbed the stool and brought it back to the breakfast bar, “…have a seat and tell me about something you did at school today.”

  “You sound like my mom.” She pouted but sat on the stool as I’d asked.

  “Your mom’s pretty smart.” I leaned against the counter and took a drink of the water I’d gotten earlier.

  “You like her?” she asked with a scrunched nose.

  I nodded.

  “The boys at my school say that when a boy likes a girl they get married so they can have babies.” She chewed her lip and I couldn’t suppress my laughter.

  “Is that right?”

  She nodded her head. “Mm-hmm. And they said that only boys can play football.” Her smile fell and she crossed her arms.

  “Bee, if you want to play football, soccer, or baseball, I think you could do it. Do you?” I asked, and her lips split into a megawatt smile.

  “Yes!”

  “Then that’s all that matters.” I took a sip of my water and watched her. You could almost hear the wheels turning inside her head.

  “My mom said you have a daughter that lives with God.” Beth’s eyes were filled with a mixture of sadness and wonder, and as my heart fell into my stomach, I found it difficult to breathe.

  I tried to sift through the mayhem in my head. My gut reaction was anger. Why had Maggie said anything? But then I understood. She cared about me. Maggie and Beth were in my life. Beth had a right to know me too. “My daughter… Birdie…” the words were thick as I tried to speak, “…yes… she died.”

  “Her name was Birdie?” She furrowed her brow, and a soft smile played at the corners of her lips.

  “It was the nickname I gave her. Her real name was Belle.”

  “Why did you call her Birdie?” she asked and then frowned. “I’m named after a chew toy.”

  My lips pulled into a smile. “I love your nickname…” I paused. Each breath came quicker than the last as I thought about opening myself up fully to this little girl. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my wallet. I opened it and lifted the picture with my fingers, holding it out to Beth. “When Belle was born, I was scared. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was nervous I wouldn’t be a good dad.”

  Beth took the picture from my hand and held it like it was precious… like somehow she knew I was giving her a piece of my heart, too, just like I’d given a piece of myself to her mom.

  “She didn’t sleep real well when she was first born, and when she cried she’d squawk just like a little birdie.”

  Beth giggled, and her eyes met mine. “That’s better than being named after a chew toy.”

  My head tilted back as I laughed.

  “It means something special to your mom, you know.”

  “What, my nickname?” She handed me the picture carefully, and I placed it back in my wallet.

  “Yes, you should ask her sometime,” I said as I tucked my wallet back in my pocket.

  “Do you miss her?” Again Beth steered me straight into the hell I tried so hard to avoid, but the more I opened up about it, the more I wanted to let the words out and see the memory, instead of forcing it down.

  “Every day of my life, Bee.” I gave her a warm smile. “You know, you and Birdie have the same eyes.”

  Beth’s lips turned up at the corners. “We do?”

  I nodded. “You do.”

  Her smile was shy as her eyes flicked to mine. “That’s kind of cool.”

  I puffed out a laugh and the timer went off.

  “You ready to eat dinner?”

  “Yes, I’m starving,” she groaned and hopped down from the stool. Before I had a chance to walk toward the stove, Beth grabbed my hand in hers. “I want to help.”

  The feel of her small hand in mine choked me as the emotion clutched my throat closed. It was difficult, but I swallowed it down and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “Of course. You can help scoop the noodles okay?”

  “Okay.” She pumped her fist with her free hand and giggled.

  Beth had taken a hold of me, and she’d showed me the simple innocence of remembering. I loved that she had no filter, and how she paid attention to details like she was seven going on thirty. I loved her independence and her quirky smiles. This little girl… she wasn’t my daughter, and she’d never replace Belle, but I loved her. I’d thought for so long if I let others in, if I let myself live, then I was letting Belle go. I was leaving her behind. The guilt… it still pulls at my frayed seams, but each day I find, through Maggie and Beth, I’m able to see Belle in a different light. For once, the memories illuminate my path forward instead of leaving me alone in the dark.

  The front door closed with a quiet click as I tiptoed into the house. Ryan had left the kitchen light on, and as I dropped my bag onto the bar stool, I was impressed with the empty sink and clean countertops. I wasn’t sure why I thought I’d come home to a disaster; Ryan was a parent… he’d raised a little girl once, even if it was only for a short while. Every time I had the urge to check up on him last night at work, I internally scolded myself. He was trying, for us, but I worried. I worried I’d push him too much and, at some point, he’d break. He was a strong man but at the core, he was more fragile than a fine piece of glass. I loved him; I had no doubt. There was no time limit that
could be mapped out to explain my feelings. He was the man I’d always wished for, but his broken edges were sharp, and every once in a while, when he looked at me, I wondered if I could ever really be enough.

  The door to my bedroom was cracked open. When I walked in and saw Ryan sprawled across my bed, my mouth pulled into an involuntary smile. All the doubts that ate away at my stomach were moot as I watched his chest rise and fall with even breaths. His hand rested on his heart, the blanket was pushed down and tangled around his waist — he was at peace. I took a private moment and admired the muscles of his chest, his stomach a hard plane as he shifted with a deep groan. I bit my lip, quickly stripped out of my clothes, and lowered myself down on to the bed. The sheets were warm as I laid down next to him. Heat radiated from Ryan’s body, and when my hands found the smattering of hair on his chest, he rolled to his side and wrapped me up in his arms.

  Skin to skin, his lips found my forehead and I felt him smile. “Good morning.” His voice was a low grumble.

  “Hi.” I pulled away so I could see his face, but he buried his nose in my neck.

  He hummed with appreciation. “How do you still smell so damn good after a twelve-hour shift?” He grazed his teeth along the flesh of my shoulder and peppered kisses along my collar bone.

  “I think you’re biased.” I giggled as he rolled me onto my back.

  Ryan trailed his kisses lower, and the warmth of his breath caused goose bumps to erupt across my breasts and down my stomach as he murmured, “You can’t crawl into bed naked and expect me to be anything but biased.” He chuckled as he lifted his head, his eyes finally on mine.

  He held his weight above me with his forearms and his lower body pressed against mine. My hands curled around the waistband of his boxer briefs, and I pushed them down just enough as he crashed his mouth to mine. He kissed me with powerful and commanding lips, but his control, as our bodies melded together as one, became mine, and I basked in it. He made me feel sexy again, something I never thought I’d feel after having a baby. My body had changed so much, and I hated it, but the way Ryan watched me, reacted to me, devoured me with his eyes, his mouth, and his body… it was empowering to say the least. Everything he did was purposeful; his strength demanded to be felt as his muscles pressed deliciously against my soft skin. It was a collision of will. Our breath mixed, our bodies linked, each of us desperate for relief and hungry for the other, and as I neared that undeniable release, my fingertips gripped his shoulders for support. I was falling, falling so hard my lips trembled as he kissed me, taking my silent moan as his.

  “Maggie,” he whispered in a growl. The muscles in his body coiled, and his back was a rigid line as he broke against me.

  He rested his forehead against mine as we both found our breath. The gesture grounded me, brought me back down to earth, and when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by Ryan. His brown eyes searched my face, and his lips turned up into a smile as he pulled away.

  “Hi,” he said before he placed a light kiss on my cheek and moved his body so he was lying next to me.

  I snuggled next to him and rested my cheek on his chest. My fingers drew circles on his stomach, and he shivered.

  “A girl could get used to this, you know.”

  His laugh rattled inside his ribcage. “I like waking up to you.” The palm of his hand rested on my hip.

  “You have to leave soon.” The reality of time was always present. He worked too much, and it was hard to hide the disappointment in my voice.

  “I do.”

  I groaned.

  “I have good news, though.” It sounded as if he was smiling.

  I raised myself up onto my arm so I could see his face. “Yeah?”

  His eyes trailed along my body, from my hip, past my breast and, once the heat of his gaze found mine again, I blushed. “Yeah.” Ryan played with a piece of my hair between his thumb and finger. “Tony is hiring some help, so I’ll have nights off. Maybe, if the kid does okay, I could get a couple of days off during the week.”

  My smile couldn’t be contained. “That’s great news.”

  He nodded and his lopsided grin made my stomach flip.

  “He’s hiring Tate’s little brother.”

  “Collin is a good kid.” I ran my hand through his hair, and he closed his eyes. “How long do you think it’ll take to train him?”

  “Not too long. Tony’s recipes are pretty standard. I make a lot of my own stuff, but if he sticks to the menu…” He opened his eyes and paused. His mouth split into a brilliant smile, and he tugged gently at the piece of hair he still held in his fingers. “Maggie? What are you thinking?”

  “What?” I said with a coy grin. I had an idea brewing, and I secretly loved that he could read me so well.

  “Maggie.” He sat up and framed my face with his palms. His eyes sought mine and he leaned in slowly, taking my lips one at a time with a soft kiss. He pulled away and the slight dimple in his cheek deepened. “That smile… it's fucking beautiful.” He dropped his hands from my face, and my heart missed a beat. His tone was so genuine it took my breath away.

  “Let’s go away for a few days?” The words came out in a rush, and my pulse accelerated. Once I said it, once my idea was out there… I wanted it more than I’d thought I would. Time, just him and I – it was exactly what we both needed.

  “Where?”

  He hadn’t said no, and that gave me hope. “To the beach.”

  He chuckled. “It’s December.”

  “I know.” I wouldn’t waver. “We could get a cabin. I know this great place up the coast on the peninsula. Bonfires and hot chocolate… just me and you, Ryan, for a whole forty-eight hours. Alone.” I bit my lip to subdue my smirk as I watched him soak in the idea. His mouth spread into a grin.

  “I think I could get a couple days off.” He leaned in and kissed my lips.

  “I’m sure you could persuade Tony. And if you can’t, I’m sure I can.”

  Ryan shifted and stood from the bed. “I’ll talk to him today, see what he says. When were you thinking?” He slipped on his jeans and pulled his shirt over his head.

  “Do you think you can get Collin trained enough in a week?” I gave him a sheepish smile.

  “I don’t know, Maggie, that’s—”

  “I have next weekend off, and with Christmas coming, I’d like to go before the holidays. I know it’s a stretch, but my schedule is all over the place this month. But if we can make it happen…”

  He walked over to my side of the bed and raised my chin with two fingers. “I’ll make it happen. I might have to prep the whole weekend out for the kid, but I’ll make it work.” He leaned down and tasted my lips with his. The warmth of his mouth captured me with a quick kiss.

  “I can help too, you know,” I said after his lips left mine.

  “I know.” His mouth set into a stubborn smile.

  “I can help… let me help.”

  “You help me, Maggie… every day… you and Beth both.” His jaw pulsed, and he swallowed. “I have little to offer you, I make hardly any money… but I work hard, and if I have to work a little harder to give you what you want, to make this trip happen, I’ll do it.” He cupped my cheek in his hand. “Let me be a man for you, Maggie.”

  I leaned into his touch. “Okay.”

  I didn’t care about money, but Ryan was showing me he wasn’t as fragile as I thought. He was showing me that he would be there for us.

  His hand fell from my cheek, and I felt the loss immediately. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  I draped the sheet around my body and stood. Ryan wrapped me up into a huge bear-like embrace, my body almost consumed by his. “I can’t wait.”

  “I think I might be developing a thing for Tate.” Laurie smiled at me over her cup of coffee.

  I snickered. “Tate is pretty good looking, but weren’t you trying to set him up with me last month?” I finished rinsing my plate and put it in the dishwasher.

  “Yeah, ‘cause he’s sexy as hell, M
ags. If you don’t want him, then I’ll take him.” She handed me her plate, and I rinsed it as well.

  I’d slept for two hours, woke up, got Beth to school, and had only been asleep for about three hours before Laurie was knocking on my front door. We’d planned a lunch date, and with everything going on in my life, I’d let it slip my mind. She wanted to go to the diner and check out Ryan, but I declined. As much as I’d love to see him, I wasn’t sure I wanted him getting the third degree from Laurie until I could tell her everything first, and besides, I looked like a train wreck. My hair was a rat’s nest from falling asleep with it wet, and I had on sweats and a WSU hoodie. Not exactly sexy.

  “I need to meet Ryan.” She sipped her coffee again, and I narrowed my eyes.

  “Listen… like I said earlier—”

  “I know.” Her smile fell.

  I’d told her the whole story while I’d prepared lunch. I was going to wait, but she threw a fit about not going to Red’s. I’d had no choice but to tell her.

  “He’s really sweet and so good with Beth. You should’ve seen how excited Beth was this morning on her way to school. She said he’d told her all about his daughter, about her nickname Birdie, and the day she was born. She really likes him too, Laurie.” My throat contracted painfully, and my eyes pricked with tears.

  Her eyes glassed over as well. “It’s so sad, and I know you really care about him, but he shot—”

  My anger flared. “Don’t even say it. I’d have done the same thing.”

  “You’re not afraid of him?” Her eyes locked on mine.

  She watched me as tears fell down my cheeks. I took a minute to catch my breath and to find my words. She didn’t understand. She didn’t know Ryan like I did. “Absolutely not.” The two words were strained as I spoke through the knot in my throat. “He’s the most kind-hearted person I’ve ever met. He loves his daughter more than anything. He lost his whole purpose when she died. He was there… at the scene… he saw it all.” Tears spilled down Laurie’s face. “I would’ve done the same thing he did and never looked back. His ex-wife…” I wiped the tears from under my eyes and let the rage I felt go with a long exhale, “…I would have done the same thing.”