Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  Another sob sputtered from my lips as I smiled. My lips spread so wide it almost hurt, but I knew it wouldn’t… there was no pain here. I no longer suffered. “I missed you so much, Birdie.”

  She rubbed her hands on my beard and giggled. The sound of it sewed me up, and the last unraveled thread of who I had once been found its way back into the stitching of my heart. She dropped her hands from my face, but I never once released my hold on hers. She placed her palm over my heart, and the rhythm jumped. Belle’s mouth moved as if to speak, but no words fell from her lips. My heart jumped again, and everything around me shifted. The light brightened, and the void around us began to take form.

  “What’s happening?” I asked her, but she just nodded her head as she raised her hands to mine.

  The heat of her fingertips dusted along the backs of my hands, and the safe feeling of her touch caused me to close my eyes. Maybe I was just dreaming, because the moment my eyes closed, I was in Maggie’s kitchen.

  Maggie.

  I tried to open my eyes so I could tell Birdie about her and Beth. The urgent feeling filled my chest, but my eyes wouldn’t open. I could still feel Belle’s hands on mine, yet I was still stuck in the dream.

  Maggie was laughing, and Beth was sitting on the other side of the breakfast bar. I startled when I saw myself walk into the kitchen too.

  Again, I tried to wake myself from this dream, but I couldn’t.

  Maggie looked so pretty. Her hair was down, and she licked a wooden spoon covered in what looked like chocolate. She laughed at something I’d said to her, and she pointed the spoon at me with a smirk and narrowed eyes. Maggie moved from behind the counter, and as her full belly came into view, my pulse became so rapid I almost lost hold on the vision. I squeezed my eyes shut, anxious for more, not ready to wake. I saw myself place my hands on her belly. I watched as I kneeled to the floor and brought my lips to her stomach. Beth laughed, and Maggie ran her hands through my hair as I looked up at her.

  “I love you.” Belle’s voice caused my eyes to open.

  She dropped her hold on me and stepped away. I should’ve felt panicked, I should’ve reached for her, grabbed her hand and laced it with mine. I should’ve wanted to stay here with her… it was what I’d needed for so long, but the pull I felt to them, to Maggie and Beth, to my future — it was too much. I swallowed as I watched my daughter walk away. Her smile so big I felt her love all the way down into my bones. I’d finally felt her acceptance… closure. I no longer needed to say goodbye. She’d be here for me again… just not yet.

  My throat burned, and the pain in my neck was unreal. I attempted to raise my hand as my eyes opened, but the light slit through my pupils like a damn knife. I groaned, and the faint touch of lips brushed against my mouth.

  “Shh. Don’t fight it, Ryan.” Maggie’s gentle voice eased my muscles.

  She took my hand in hers, and her hair fell against my neck. The sensation made my eyes open again. Maggie was sitting next to me; her other hand ran through my hair, and her smile trembled as my eyes fell to her mouth. As long as I focused on her, the pain dissipated and the light softened around me. I licked my dry lips desperate to speak.

  “Maggie.” My voice was a rough whisper.

  I tried to sit up. The need to have her in my arms, to tell her about Belle, fed my weak state, but a sharp feeling in my neck stopped me.

  “Ryan, don’t try to get up.” Her smile would have to be enough. “You have something called a central line. It’s like a really big IV in your neck. Not to mention a few lines in your arm as well. I can lift the head of the bed if you’d like to sit up?”

  I nodded.

  “You just missed Tony. He left to go get Beth from Cornelia’s. They won’t let children visit yet.”

  I brought my gaze to hers, and I could tell she was trying hard to keep it together. “I’m still here, Maggie.”

  She started to cry, and I squeezed her hand in mine as the head of the bed raised gradually. She exhaled a long-winded breath and shook her head.

  “I didn’t think… I was so afraid, Ryan.”

  “I didn’t mean to scare you.” I lifted my hand and cupped her cheek. The plastic tubes in my veins dangled, but I was careful. I needed to feel her skin.

  She inclined into the touch and puffed out a laugh. “Don’t do it again.”

  “I’ll try not to.” I gave her a grin despite the pain I felt from my cracked lips.

  Her smile faltered, and she turned to the machines at my side. I dropped my hand from her cheek as my eyes fell to her stomach.

  “Ryan, you had a heart attack. Your…” She stopped when my hand moved to her belly.

  “When I died, I saw Belle again.” I raised my eyes and watched Maggie’s tears fall. The tears came fast and hard, and I lifted my hand from her stomach, only to take one of Maggie’s in mine. I brought both of our hands to her belly, and a soft cry broke from her lips. “She looked just the same, you know. It was crazy. Maybe I’d just been dreaming, but I felt it, Maggie. I felt her, and I didn’t want to let go.”

  “But you did?” Her voice wavered.

  “I did. She showed me something.” My eyes fell to her belly again. I wasn’t sure if or when we’d have a child, but I couldn’t wait for it. I was trapped in this hospital bed, but I had knowledge and that insight… it gave me hope. I couldn’t wait to make a life with her. I wanted to give her everything I could. “She showed me a piece of time. You and Beth were there, and I saw it all. We’d created a life, and you looked beautiful carrying our child. I couldn’t look away, Maggie. I wanted that moment she had shown me. I wanted it so bad it pulled me back… it pulled me back to you.”

  She cried silently as she leaned toward me and rested her forehead against mine. She pressed my hands firmly on her stomach. “I’m pregnant, Ryan.”

  I sucked in a breath. “What?”

  She pulled away, and her blue eyes searched my face. My stomach felt light as she nodded her head. “I found out today, just before…” she closed her eyes and inhaled before she continued, “…before they brought you in.”

  A smile parted my lips.

  “Belle showed you?” Maggie asked, and her brows pulled together.

  “Yes.”

  She brought her lips to mine, and the contact felt good. If I wasn’t strapped to all these IV lines, I’d pull her into me, wrap her up in my arms, and let her know everything was going to be okay. When our lips separated and she leaned back, I wiped the tears from under her eyes with my thumbs. “No more tears, all right? I’m here…” I smiled and tangled her fingers with mine, “… and this is everything I could have ever wanted. I never thought I’d have this again, but you’ve gifted me life, Maggie, and I’m going to seize it.”

  “You’re not well, Ryan.” Her eyes started to glitter again. “I love you so freaking much, and this baby, our baby… you have to get better. You have to stick it out. I’m not giving you a choice. I want this too…”

  My heart rate increased, and one of the monitors next to the bed echoed every beat.

  “Your heart… they said it’s weak, but I know better now… I know you’re meant for this life, Ryan. Our family, our future…” she placed her palm on my chest, “…it’s here…” she brought our joined hands to her belly, “…and here. Your heart may be too big, but I can feel its strength with each beat.” She smiled, and the tears from her eyes trickled over her upper lip.

  “I want to marry you, Maggie.”

  She smiled slowly, and my own grin pulled across my face. I ignored the slight twinge of pain in my dry lips as I watched the color fill her cheeks. “I’ll marry you the day we leave this hospital if that’s what you really want.”

  “Deal.” She thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. I chuckled, and the discomfort in my chest made me cough. “Shit, that hurts.” Maggie’s smile dropped, and I regretted mentioning it. “Stop worrying.”

  “Impossible.” She stood and pressed the call light. “You need pain meds.�
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  “I’m okay.” I shifted, and the ache in my limbs weighed me down.

  Reality started to seep back into my body. My head throbbed, my throat still burned, and hell, it was hard to breathe. Without thinking, I tried to clear my throat with a cough, and a red-hot pain seared my sternum. I winced, and Maggie hurried back over to the bed. “Why does my chest hurt so bad?”

  “Tate had to do CPR… chest compressions. They’re no picnic,” she said as she attempted to fix the sheets. She pulled them down and carefully untangled one of the lines.

  “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

  She paused and lifted her eyes from the bed. “You had a heart attack, Ryan. You almost died… you—”

  She didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence. A nurse and a tall man with silver hair and a white coat walked into the room. He looked at me and smiled before he slid his gaze to the monitors. Maggie stepped back and sat in the chair next to the bed as the nurse pushed some sort of minty shit into my veins through the IV. The heavy feeling in my chest almost completely disappeared.

  “Mr. Hartford, I’m Dr. Cordova. It’s good to see you awake. It was a little touch and go there for a moment.” He chuckled, and when Maggie frowned, he cleared his throat. “How do you feel?”

  “Like I just had a heart attack.”

  He laughed and nodded his head. “Well, at least he still has his sense of humor.”

  “What’s the plan?” Maggie’s voice was stern. She was in no mood for jokes.

  “Well, his vitals look good.” His posture stiffened, and a serious expression creased his brows together. “Mr. Hartford—”

  “Ryan.”

  “Ryan… you’re in heart failure. The valves that help pump the blood through the chambers of your heart, they have a defect. What that basically means is that your heart has been working overtime for too long, and today your body said enough is enough.”

  “Can we fix it?” I asked.

  He looked at me like he wasn’t sure, and everything started to spin again. The meds the nurse gave me made things fuzzy. I wasn’t ready to fade yet. I wanted answers. I wanted to know if I could be here for Maggie. If I’d get to meet my child.

  “That’s where I come in.” His smile returned, and it eased a bit of my anxiety. “I think we can get you stable enough for surgery, and if we can get those valves repaired, it will give you more time.”

  Time.

  “The damage to your heart was extensive, and eventually, the valves we place will need to be replaced, but not for at least twenty years. Let’s just focus on getting you better now.” He tapped his finger on my chart with three rapid successions before he turned to leave.

  “How long till I have the surgery?” I asked as he opened the door.

  “Let’s see what the week brings. I’ll have a better answer after a few days.” He nodded his head at me and disappeared through the door.

  “Do you want some ice chips?” the young nurse asked. Her name badge was brand new, the name Taylor was scrolled across it in large black letters. I assumed she was fresh out of college.

  “That would be great.” I gave her a smile, and she left the room.

  “Are you scared?” Maggie’s blue eyes dimmed. The stress of the day had painted dark circles around her eyes.

  “I’m terrified.”

  The honesty lingered in the silent air. She scooted her chair closer to the bed and leaned down, resting her cheek in my lap. My life had done a complete one-eighty. Less than six months ago… I would have welcomed death. I would have clung to Belle and never looked back. I had everything to lose now, and as my fingers ran through Maggie’s hair with her even breaths rising and falling against me, I prayed for the first time since Belle died. I thanked God for giving me Belle and for letting me have the closure that had been stolen from us. I asked him to give the life growing inside Maggie strength and health. I closed my eyes, and the silky strands of her hair soothed me as I asked God for one more thing.

  I asked for time…

  I prayed for each second, each year, but as I repeated the prayer over and over again in my head, I began to beg.

  I begged…

  For smiles.

  For late nights.

  For Monday mornings.

  For stolen touches.

  I begged for every second…

  I begged for life.

  The sand castle was lopsided, but Belle’s excitement was worth every ounce of grit I’d swallowed in the process. The sun was beating down on my back as I tried to recreate the princess castle she’d seen on one of her cartoon shows. Her giggle made me smile as a portion of the castle fell apart. My shitty attempt at construction would have made my father cringe. The sand was losing its moisture under the summer heat, making it next to impossible to keep the walls together.

  “I think this is as good as it gets, Birdie.”

  She stood up, hands and knees covered in sand, and smiled. She grabbed her bucket and handed it to me. “It not done, Daddy.”

  I chuckled and moved to my feet. My hands wrapped around her little waist as I lifted her up and over my shoulders. She squealed as I situated her so she could sit comfortably. It was time for a distraction, and it was time to cool down. “Ready for a swim.”

  She gripped her hands in my hair as I started to move. She shrieked as I began to run toward the water, and I could picture her face — a bit of fear mixed with a ton of exhilaration. She was my little dare devil, and as my feet hit the water, she was practically jumping up and down on my shoulders.

  “Ready?” I asked with a grin.

  “Ready, go!” she shouted as I reached up and grabbed her hands.

  “One, two, three.”

  I sank to my knees and fell backward, pulling us both under the water. It wasn’t for more than two seconds, but every time, she’d come up gasping and giggling for more. I repeated this motion a few times until she had enough and was ready to just swim. She was only three, but Birdie held her own. I was teaching her, showing her how to float, and she was pretty damn good at it. It was days like this, when it was just her and me, I wished I had more time…

  “Ryan.” Maggie’s soft voice surrounded me.

  The weight of her hand on my shoulder pulled me from my dream. Ever since my heart attack, every dream I had was of Belle. My dreams were in full color, and all the happy memories I’d repressed, flooded my mind. The reasoning behind my recent awareness I couldn’t explain, but I was thankful for it.

  “Ryan, Tony’s here to see you.”

  The light of the hospital room seeped into my vision as I slowly opened my eyes. I wet my lips and took a deep breath gathering myself.

  Maggie pressed her lips to my cheek and smiled against my skin. “You slept the afternoon away.”

  “How long have you been here?” I asked through the gravel in my throat.

  Maggie stood and grabbed my water mug off the bedside table. She handed it to me with a lopsided smile. I sipped from the straw deeply like I hadn’t had a drink in days. “Just got off shift. I was about to leave, but this guy showed up.” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder, and I heard Tony’s deep laugh.

  “You still look like shit,” he said as he gave me a smart ass smile.

  “I still feel like shit.” I handed Maggie my mug and pressed the button to raise the head of the bed. The momentum, though slow, still made me dizzy.

  I was having surgery in two days. I’d been in the hospital for almost a week, and I was ready to get my ass out of this place. I hated watching Maggie worry. She worked and then came up to my room immediately after. It was like she never left the place, and it made me feel guilty. I wasn’t sure how much time I had left or if this surgery, which the doctors had assured me would go smoothly, would really work, but I could see what it was doing to Maggie, and I didn’t like it.

  “It’s good to see you,” Tony said as he made his way to one of the extra chairs.

  I nodded, but my attention moved to Maggie as she r
earranged a few of my IV lines. “Stop it.” The words were more abrupt than I’d planned on. “You’re off duty.” I smiled in an attempt to soften the effect of my tone.

  Her brow furrowed, and her lips fixed in a straight line. “Ryan, I — it’s how I cope.”

  Tony stopped mid-step. “I’m going to grab a cup of coffee. I’ll be right back.” His smile was forced as he left the room.

  Once the hospital door snapped shut, the air filled with a heavy silence. Maggie stared at the bed, and I struggled to find the right words to say.

  “Ryan, I’m scared, and I want to help you.”

  “Come here.” I patted the side of the bed, and she sat next to me as I took her hand in mine. “I don’t like being a burden, and I don’t like causing you so much stress, especially now that you’re pregnant. I want you here every second of every damn day, but I can’t ask that of you, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to keep up this pace. At some point, you have to go home.”

  “I go home… all the time.”

  I cocked my eyebrow and she smirked.

  “Okay, maybe not all of the time, but I like being here, it’s how I make it through the day, knowing I’ll be here with you.” She squeezed my hand, and my eyes fell to our connected fingers.

  “When I was in prison, Maggie, I pushed my parents away. I stopped taking their letters, and I wouldn’t let them visit. I didn’t want to be the black mark on their lives. My shame… it was all on me, and now, I can see how my sickness has taken its toll on you. It’s hard for me to see you giving up—”

  “I’m not giving up anything. And you’re not allowed to push me away. You have surgery in less than two days. This is where I live until then.” She pursed her lips, and it almost made me laugh despite the seriousness of the conversation.

  “You’re stubborn.” I smiled, and the set of her shoulders relaxed. She’d won the argument.

  “Besides, I’m actually going home tonight. Cornelia is at the house with Beth. She has plans in the morning and can’t watch her overnight, so you can expect us here a little after breakfast.” She leaned down and kissed me. The warmth of her lips eased my concerns temporarily. She released her hand from mine and framed my face as she pulled away. The blue hue in her irises seemed lighter than they had been just three seconds ago. “Just let me take care of you, Ryan.” She swallowed, and her eyes began to fill with tears. “I know everything will be fine, but the what-ifs, they’re filling my head with poison, and being here with you helps me not go crazy. I need this. I need you.”