“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, holding the envelope in her hands. It was heavy; clearly there were a considerable number of documents inside.
“Well, open it up and find out!” Jackie urged.
Alex held the envelope, unsure whether she wanted to find out if all her hard work had actually paid off. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle the crushing sense of rejection if she’d failed.
Andy and her mother watched her with wide, interested eyes. Since she’d told them of her plans to apply to Princeton, they’d been nothing but supportive. Alex had feared that they’d tell her she was simply chasing rainbows and needed to accept the reality of their situation, but Jackie had told her daughter that she’d never been more proud of her. And whether or not she got in, that wouldn’t change the fact that she was attempting to reach her dreams. It was more than enough to fill her with a lifetime’s worth of pride.
“Open it!” Andy demanded impatiently.
“I’m scared,” Alex admitted. “You do it,” She hastily handed the envelope to her younger brother, who wasted no time in ripping it open and reading from the first page.
“Dear Miss Heron,” he began as his mother and sister listened with bated breath. “We thank you for your recent application and interest in attending Princeton this fall. After careful consideration, it is with great pleasure that we offer you a place to attend and study mathematics with us on our scholarship program.”
Jackie dropped the spatula she was holding and leaned against the counter for support, her chest heaving with panicked breath. Alex sat stoically on the bench, unsure what to do or say. It all felt so surreal.
“You did it!” Jackie finally found her voice, coming over to hold Alex’s face in her hands as tears began to stream down her cheeks.
“I knew you would, my clever little girl! You did it!” She kissed Alex’s cheeks over and over.
“So you’re leaving?” Andy asked, sounding a little hurt.
“I’m so proud of you,” Jackie declared, wrapping her arms around Alex. And Andy momentarily forgot that he was a mood-addled teenager and entered into the embrace. The family remained locked in each other’s arms for a number of minutes. It was the first time they had really held one another since their father had died.
As Jackie eventually began to pull away, her sobs intensified.
“If only your father could have been here to see this,” she declared emotionally. “He’d have been so proud of you.”
Alex felt the tears streaming down her cheeks at the thought of her father’s beaming face. At how overjoyed he would have been to be sharing this joyous news with them.
“Let’s go tell him,” Alex suggested as she wiped her tears away with the back of her sleeve.
****
Alex rarely visited her father’s grave. It was located on the other side of town, near their old home, but more than the obstacle of the extra distance, she had avoided his resting place simply because it made her too sad to endure. Away from his grave, she could pretend that he was still around somehow, lurking in the shadows of her life. But when she stood and read his name etched in cold, hard stone, the dates of his time on earth emblazoned beneath, it was difficult to believe that he was still with them. It pained her to imagine his body there under her feet, buried beneath dirt and locked away in a box. She wanted to think of him only as he had been: kind, loving, and full of life.
The cemetery was almost empty as the family gathered around the tombstone. The early morning air was crisp and held a bite to it that nipped at their exposed cheeks. Despite it being summer, the weather had taken a chilly turn of late.
Jackie stood between her two children, placing an arm around each of them. She knew it was the first time in years that they’d been there. For her, it was a familiar spot. They didn’t know, but each night, after the shift of her first job had concluded, she made a longer journey home so she could pass by the cemetery and quickly visit her deceased husband. She’d tell him about her day, about how she was, about how hard everything had been since he left. Not a day had gone by since he died that she hadn’t visited his grave.
“Hey, Dad,” Andy said awkwardly, feeling self-conscious about talking to an inanimate object.
“Dad, we came here today to tell you something.” Alex cleared her throat, also feeling a little strange to be talking to open air as though it were a person. She pulled away from her mother to retrieve her acceptance letter from her backpack. She took it out and held it towards the gravestone.
“I got into Princeton.” She smiled as tears of sadness ran down her face. “Just like you always wanted me to.”
Alex began to shake as the emotion overwhelmed her, and Jackie pulled her back towards the family unit, rubbing a protective hand down Alex’s arm.
“He’d have been so, so proud,” Jackie whispered.
“He’d have run out and bought you something crazy like a new laptop,” Andy joked fondly.
“He loved you children so much.” Jackie’s voice threatened to break as she spoke. “I know it’s been hard for us all since he died. And I’m sorry if I haven’t done such a great job.” Jackie looked up to the heavens, to the place where she prayed her husband was watching them, trying to hold back further tears.
“I’d only ever known how to be a mom,” she continued, shaking slightly. “I didn’t know how to be both a mom and dad to you kids.”
Both Andy and Alex leaned into their mother and comforted her.
“You’ve done great, Mom,” Alex told her confidently. “It’s been hard for each of us as we adjusted.”
“You haven’t done too badly,” Andy added. “I mean, Alex got into Princeton, so you’ve got one good kid,” he quipped.
“I’ve got two great kids!” Jackie declared proudly. “Things are going to get better for this family, I just know it. This is the start of it turning around for us.”
“Well, it won’t get better for me unless I get to school on time,” Andy noted as he glanced at his watch.
“Okay, let’s go.” Jackie ushered her children away from their father’s grave.
Alex looked back briefly as she clutched the acceptance application to her chest and mouthed the words thank you.
She knew that if it hadn’t been for her father’s vision for her life, she would never have gone after such an immense dream. And now it was coming true for her, and she knew that her father would be with her each step of the way.
****
“Claire, hey!” Alex greeted her friend as they stood at their respective lockers. Brief interactions in the hallway were all the girls now had since Alex had transferred out of all the classes they shared and into more advanced classes.
Alex hadn’t had the time to miss her friend since she’d been so preoccupied with her studies. She felt the occasional pang of regret when she saw the cheerleaders strutting down the hallway, turning heads as they went, but she just reminded herself that she was now focused on the bigger picture. While it was great to be somebody in high school, she didn’t want everything to end after graduation. She wanted a future, and a good one at that.
“Hey.” Claire smiled breezily at Alex as she shoved a textbook into her locker, the door of which was now covered in pictures of her and Jeff grinning manically like some Stepford couple.
“You excited for graduation?” Alex asked, glancing briefly to one of the numerous flyers that were littered around the school, advertising that, for most of the seniors, the end was nigh.
“I guess.” Claire shrugged nonchalantly. “Jeff asked me to prom!” she added with more enthusiasm.
“He did? That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, so now I just need to pick out a dress. I really want to wear green, but Sophie is wearing turquoise.” Claire frowned in deep contemplation.
“What about after prom? Have you applied to any colleges?” Alex asked, closing her locker and leaning against it. It was the first time she’d ever broached the subject of college with Claire
, and she was interested to learn what plans her friend had for after high school.
“Honestly, I haven’t had time,” Claire replied quickly. “Between cheer practice and Jeff and, of course, getting ready for prom, college kind of fell to the back of the line.”
“Oh.”
“Besides, my dad has a job lined up for me to go and work at his office as a secretary,” Claire told her eagerly.
“Sounds… cool.”
“Totally, right? Think of all the great outfits I can wear. Like pencil skirts and smart shirts. Office chic is so in right now.”
“Uh huh.” Alex began to wonder how she’d maintained such monotonous conversations for the last four years. Recently she’d engaged with peers about Marxism or embraced theological debate. The color theme for a prom dress or discussions of work attire seemed utterly unimportant to her now. It felt like her eyes had been opened, but Claire’s were welded shut. They’d never see the world in the same way again, and that saddened Alex.
“Aren’t you going to go and work with your mom at Prada?” Claire asked. “If you do, you totally have to hook me up with some discounts!”
“Actually, I’m going to college.”
“Oh.” It was Claire’s turn to feel awkward. “Woodsdale Tech?” she cited the local college that was a destination for most unaspiring graduates, as it was a convenient choice.
“Nope.” Alex shook her head, smiling a little. She knew she was about to blow Claire’s mind when she revealed the truth about the college she would be attending. She imagined her friend would be shocked at first but then ecstatic for her, and they would embrace in the hallway before jumping up and down giggling and screaming with excitement as they would do after the team won a big game. Perhaps it would be the spark to reignite their stagnating friendship. Maybe Alex would even attend prom just to spend some more time with her friends.
“So where are you going?” Claire was peering into her locker as she spoke, looking for something.
“Well, actually…” Alex wasn’t sure how to deliver the news. “I got into Princeton.” She chose the short and swift route.
Claire forgot about whatever she was looking for and slammed her locker door shut and turned to face Alex directly.
“Princeton?” she repeated.
“Yeah, I know, it’s crazy, right?” Alex beamed.
“But Princeton is for smart people, right?” Claire queried.
“Uh huh.”
“And you quit cheerleading because your grades were so bad?”
“True.”
“So how did you get into Princeton?” Claire placed one hand on her hip and stared angrily at Alex. Of all the emotions Alex had anticipated in her friend, anger had not been one of them.
“Well, I did improve my grades, and I’ve kind of always been smart—” Alex considered revealing more, explaining everything to her friend about her dead father and how that had impacted her life, but Claire interrupted her.
“So you lied not only to the squad but also to me!” Claire yelled. “You never did need time to raise your grades. You were only pretending to be dumb!”
“Hey, don’t be mad. I can explain.”
“I don’t want to hear it!” Claire raised a hand to her friend to silence her. “Sophie was right about you. All you do is lie and put yourself first!”
“That’s not true.” Alex flinched, hurt by the harshness of her words.
“I don’t know what Jeff ever saw in you. Honestly I don’t,” Claire continued cruelly, giving Alex a disapproving once-over.
“Claire, please—”
“Have fun at Princeton with the other brains,” Claire retorted. “My dad always told me that people can only ever be beautiful or smart, never both, so I guess at least we know now which you are.”
Claire turned and began to walk briskly away from her former friend. She didn’t even glance back at Alex, who stood beside her locker, hurt and deflated. The joyous celebration with her family that morning suddenly felt like a world away.
****
Alex’s day didn’t improve much after her exchange with Claire earlier. At lunch she returned to her locker to find someone had scrawled the word ‘Brain’ onto it in permanent marker. Alex immediately recognized the penmanship as belonging to Jeff from the various notes he used to pass to her during class, asking her out.
Sighing, Alex opened her locker and tried to block out the meanness of it all. High school was becoming the harsh place she had always feared it was, but at least the end was in sight. She was close to graduation and, beyond that, Princeton and an opportunity to learn with like-minded people.
“Claire tells us you got into Princeton,” the venom-laced voice of Sophie came stinging into Alex’s ears.
Closing her locker, Alex was surrounded by three cheerleaders, all in full uniform. She had a vague memory of an end of school pep rally that would be taking place that afternoon.
“Yes, I did,” Alex told the new head cheerleader, holding her head high and proud, refusing to let her belittle such a momentous achievement.
“Well, I just hope it was worth it,” Sophie sneered. “I hope it was worth betraying your friends and turning your back on your team.”
Alex wanted to point out how unimportant a cheerleading squad actually was compared to the rest of the world, but she remained silent. All Sophie had was cheerleading, let her berate her now if it was what she needed to do to help her sleep at night.
“I’m sorry if I misled anyone,” Alex gave a dignified response.
“Well, I’m not. I’m a better captain than you ever were,” Sophie snapped spitefully. “But I just hope your conscience can handle the truth that you are a liar and a fake. Have fun at Princeton, where I doubt you’ll make any friends. Loner.”
With that, Sophie turned and stomped away with the inelegance of someone with limbs that were too long, the other two cheerleaders obediently following like lambs. All that remained in her wake was the unpleasant odor of her cheap perfume. Alex coughed and tried to clear the air in her immediate vicinity.
Sophie was mean, she was every inch the spiteful cheerleader, and Alex knew that. If anyone was going to say something nasty about Princeton, it was her. But Alex began to feel fatigued by the constant negativity she was receiving. It was surreal to think that the trailer had now become her sanctuary. At least there were people there who celebrated her triumph and were proud of her.
Feeling lonely, Alex leaned against her locker and sighed. Then her mind thought of the one person at school who would be proud of her. The one person who she had struggled to get out of her mind every day for the last four months.
Countless times Alex would walk past his classroom, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but all she ever saw was the back of his head. Their eyes never connected. She had transferred out of Mark’s class some months ago when her grades improved and she went in hot pursuit of her Princeton dream. She missed him more than she’d admit to herself. The relentless focus on her studies had been for dual purposes. Not only had it been to land herself a place at the elite college, it had also been to keep her mind distracted lest she find time to sit and think about Mark Simmons. How he smelt, how he looked, how he might possibly taste if they kissed.
There were days when he was all that consumed her mind, and even the most complex of mathematical equations couldn’t remove the image of him that burned bright within her mind’s eye. The mere thought of going to see him, to regale him with the news about Princeton, made her stomach flip. But Alex needed to see a familiar, happy face before the cruel taunts of bitter cheerleaders threatened to ruin this event for her.
****
It was the end of the school day, and the hallways were quickly emptying as students eagerly left the premises.
Walking past her locker, Alex sighed when she saw the scrawled insult across it, a painful reminder that she was now regarded as an outcast at Woodsdale High. If ever they found out about her trailer dwelling, she would surely be ex
iled and face excommunication. With her Princeton application package in her hand, Alex was resolute that she would share this information with the one person at the school who would be genuinely happy for her.
But during the afternoon, doubt had begun to creep into her mind. She had not spoken with Mark for four long months. What if he resented her, or worse, no longer cared about her? Was she risking making a fool of herself by seeking him out?
As all the conflicting thoughts swirled around Alex’s head, they made her dizzy. A part of her wanted to just go home, to go back to the trailer and her mother’s pride for her and forget about high school altogether. She’d got what she came for: an acceptance into college. Graduation and prom were all formalities she could easily forgo. Yet Alex knew that if she walked away now, she would forever regret not going back to Mark and telling him her news.
She pictured herself as an old woman, sitting on a park bench somewhere watching the sun set, her withered hands clasped together and her mind would still think back to Mark Simmons, the handsome teacher who had been so dedicated and instrumental in saving her in every way a person could be saved. He’d gone out of his way to help her; she, at the very least, owed him a thank you.
Alex rapped lightly on the closed door of the classroom where she’d once studied math. She began to fear that Mark wasn’t even there, that he’d already left for the day. She was about to turn when his deep, familiar voice called out, “Come in.”
Her heart pounded as she turned the handle. His face had been such a frequent vision in her dreams that she wondered how she’d now cope faced with his physical presence. Before she could further talk herself out of it, Alex pushed her body forward and into the classroom. Mark didn’t look up as she entered; instead, he continued to grade papers at his desk.
She stood awkwardly near the entrance to the classroom, unsure what to do or say.
“I haven’t got long,” Mark prompted her to speak, his voice tiresome. He still didn’t look up from his desk, having no idea whom he was addressing.
Lessons in Love Page 11
