by Shelia Grace
She blushed as I stood up.
“I think it’s time for another shower,” I said, pulling her toward the bathroom.
“I just got out!”
Walking into the shower, I turned on the water.
“It’s really just an excuse to see you wet and naked,” I laughed.
I hadn’t gotten laid, so to speak, but I still couldn’t remember the last time I had had a morning this good. Rinsing off, I coaxed Alex under the hot water before picking up the soap. I began to lather her, turning her in my arms so that I could massage her back.
“Mmm. This is much better than showering alone,” she murmured.
The only reason I trusted myself to be naked in a shower with her was because I had already had two hand jobs in quick succession. On the other hand, I was sure that enough time spent touching Alex would eliminate their effectiveness. Rinsing the soap from her body, I looked down at her and knew that I never wanted to leave this moment.
Chapter 19
Alex
By the time Ryan pulled up in front of Mercer, my dorm looked like a prison. I was wearing an oversized white T-shirt, the silicone sticky bra from last night, a pair of Ryan’s jeans—belted and cuffed more than a foot, and the pair of spiky black heels. It was like a morning-after uniform. We had gone back to his house first so I could borrow some clothes, but I had refused to stay longer than a few minutes. Because I knew that the longer I stayed in his world, the more it would hurt when I left it. Ryan started to get out, and I shook my head as I carefully slid out of the heels.
“No! Brit might be in the room,” I said quickly.
He looked at me strangely, but before he could question my reluctance to have him come up to the dorm, I leaned over and put my hands on his face, covering his lips with mine. I kissed him like I was never going to get another chance, loving the feel of his stubble against my cheeks. He smelled so good, and I wanted to remember that scent forever. When I bit his bottom lip, he groaned, and by the time I pulled back, Ryan put the car in gear.
“What are you doing?” I gasped in a panic.
“Taking you back to the house, so you can continue attacking me.”
I laughed and then stopped as tears pricked in the corners of my eyes.
“Ryan … I-I love you.”
I didn’t wait for a response. I hadn’t planned to. I reached back and opened the door. Jumping out, I already had my ID out, and I ran without looking back. When I got to Mercer, I slid the card in the reader and bolted inside. Taking the stairs two at a time, I was panting and out of breath by the time I got to my door.
As I put the key in the lock, I prayed that Brit would be gone. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pushed open the door. The room smelled awful, but I was alone. Grabbing a sock from my laundry basket, I put it on the door and twisted the lock. Then I threw my phone down on the desk and ran over to the bed. Pulling back the covers, I jumped up onto the rock-hard mattress, and when a sob escaped my lips, I turned and pressed my face into the pillow. I kept telling myself over and over that I had made the decision, which meant there was zero reason to feel sorry for myself. I had told Ryan a million times—or at least three of four—why I couldn’t do this.
Explaining it to him one last time had been pointless. So I had ended it.
Last night and this morning had been beyond fantastic, and I was probably going to be thinking about those hours with Ryan years from now, but that was why I had to end it. Because this thing with Ryan had been doomed to end, and it had always been up to me to decide how badly damaged I would be when it was over. I was already screwed enough as it was. The thought of kissing—or doing anything else—with another guy wasn’t even remotely appealing now. And if I had slept with him? How much worse would it have been then?
My phone buzzed from the desk, but I ignored it. It didn’t matter who it was. I couldn’t talk to anyone like this. With a sudden wave of agony, I realized that I was never going to see Ryan’s dog again, and I burst into a fresh round of tears. Fuck! I loved his dog, too.
The phone buzzed again. And again. I wanted to throw the thing out the window. Then I froze. What if it was Mom? Maybe something had happened to Stephie! Shit. I jumped off the bed and grabbed the phone. There were three texts.
Alex, look out your window
I swallowed and got back on the bed to raise the blinds. Ryan was standing on the lawn in front of my window. Shit. My phone buzzed again.
Not leaving until you talk to me
Well, tough shit, I thought. Then a spike of fear went through me. Eventually someone would come in or out, and Ryan would get into the building. Shit. The phone buzzed again, and I scrolled to the last text.
Please
I looked up and saw a guy walking across the lawn from the DC toward the back door of Mercer. When Ryan followed him, I panicked. Jumping off the bed, I ran barefoot into the hall and crossed through the stairwell to Julie’s side. Sprinting down the hall, I banged on her door.
“Julie!”
I exhaled when her door swung open. Practically knocking her down in my rush to get into her room, I closed the door after me, gasping.
“Fuck, Alex! What the hell happened to you? You text me last night saying you’re not coming back … and then you burst in looking like someone’s chasing your ass. You wanna fill me in?”
Someone knocked a few doors down, and I put my finger to my lips.
“Shh!”
“Alex, what the hell?”
I shook my head and kept my finger at my lips, listening as someone knocked at the room right next to Julie’s. Shit! It couldn’t be him, right? I froze when the person knocked at Julie’s door. Shaking my head, I mouthed, I’m not here, and she gave me an exasperated look. When she leaned forward to the peephole, I dived into the corner by her closet. Watching as she opened the door, I thought about strangling her.
“Do you know Alex Reed?”
I flinched at the sound of Ryan’s voice.
“Yeah, she’s in three-oh-four.”
“Have you seen her today?”
Listening to Julie pause, I held my breath.
“No, but she was supposed to stop by later. You want me to give her a message or something?”
“Thanks,” he said.
I held my breath as she shut the door. She walked over to where I was hiding and opened her mouth, but I shook my head, hurrying over to turn up the music. When she handed me a folded piece of paper, I frowned. Then my palms began to sweat. Taking it, I shoved it in my back pocket.
“You’re not going to read it?”
I shook my head.
“All right—what the fuck, Alex? Are you wearing his clothes?”
I exhaled and started telling her the whole story, starting with him having me dropped from Calculus, to his friend James McDevitt, to his ex-fiancée, to everything that happened last night, all the way to being hopelessly in love with someone who would never feel the same way.
“So, you just broke it off?” Julie gasped.
“More like I jumped out of his car and fucking ran.”
“Oh, shit. That’s why he was going up and down our floor?”
I nodded and swiped at the corners of my eyes.
“Wait, so what did he say the first time you told him you were fucking in love with him?”
I swallowed.
“Nothing. He took me back here and left.”
“And just now?”
“Nothing. I mean, I jumped out of the car before he could say anything. It was pretty much my way of saying, ‘Leave me the fuck alone.’”
Julie laughed and then stopped.
“Sorry. But, come on, Alex. ‘I love you’ is not the same as ‘Leave me the fuck alone’. And the guy brings you breakfast in bed? That’s not love?”
I shrugged miserably and blew my hair out of my face.
“Not to him, I guess.”
“Since when do guys willingly emote?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Yeah, that’s right: neve
r. He’s obviously fucking crazy about you. Remember, this isn’t a fairy tale.”
I took a shuddering sigh. There was no good way of explaining that I wanted to cut my losses now, not later.
“How long have your parents been together, Jules?”
“Twenty-five fucking years. Sick, isn’t it?”
I smiled.
“I think it’s sweet. I barely even remember mine being together, so I kinda want to think that fairy tales still exist.”
She cringed.
“All right, so I was going to tell you when you got back, but now I feel bad …”
“What?” I asked, bracing myself for more tragedy.
“Well, I’m going with Chris—and a couple of his friends—to the DC tonight.”
I screamed.
“Holy shit! When the fuck did this happen?”
“Let’s see … maybe while you were out with the hottie you just kicked to the curb—”
“Low blow!”
“Sorry! Okay, so last night a bunch of us went out to another one of those stupid parties, and it turned out to be a total bust, but … I ended up walking back with Chris—and then I totally just went for it!”
I got up and did a happy dance.
“Holy shit! That is awesome. So? Is he a good kisser?”
“Hell yeah!” she laughed. “Well, I don’t have much to compare to.”
“Yeah, neither do I. We’ll have to find some new guys to compare them to.”
Julie snorted, and I laughed so hard that I almost started crying again. I went over and hugged her.
“Thanks for listening to me whine. I’m gonna head back to my room and try to get some work done.”
“You want to come with us tonight?”
I hesitated. What I really wanted was to go back to my room and spend the rest of the day listening to miserable music and working on the story about that first night with Ryan. Such a bad idea.
“Yeah. What time are you going?”
“About seven. You want me to come by and get you?”
“Sure.”
I walked out and continued down the hall to the bathroom to blow my nose and wash my face before returning to my room, wishing the asshole next door would turn down the volume for once. I really wasn’t in the mood for crappy country music for the next eight hours. Taking my computer from the bottom drawer of the desk, I set it on the desk and put in my earbuds. I spent the next hour trying to work on my Creative Writing assignment. More accurately, I spent most of the time staring at the screen.
Finally I removed the folded piece of paper from my back pocket, my hands shaking as I unfolded it.
I don’t want to lose you.
I started crying again just as the door thumped open. Shoving the note back into my pocket, I looked over and saw Brit.
“Do you have the homework assignment for Robertson’s class?” she asked, oblivious to my meltdown.
I shook my head.
“What the fuck? You always go to class.”
“I dropped,” I muttered.
“How the fuck did you do that? It’s past the drop-dead.”
Wow. I was surprised Brit even bothered paying attention to minor details like that. Watching as she walked over to turn on her music—to an eardrum-bursting volume—I took the opportunity to grab my stuff and leave. By the time I got to the first floor lounge, it had started raining outside, and I really didn’t want to walk all the way to the library. The good thing was that there weren’t any second-floor assholes around. Walking over to the far end of the lounge, I parked myself in one of the grungy chairs near an outlet.
Looking down, I realized that I hadn’t changed out of Ryan’s clothes. I looked completely ridiculous. But I didn’t care. Grabbing the neckline of the shirt, I pressed it to my face. It smelled like him. Clean laundry and aftershave.
Before I could start crying, I got online. There was an e-mail from Jenny Tran, my editor, asking if I wanted to take another article. I wrote back and said sure. Then I worked on my homework for Chemistry. I would be lucky if I passed with a C. But it was better than the big, fat F I would have gotten in Robertson’s class. Besides, unlike Calculus, my Chemistry class didn’t have a hot TA itching to drop me from the class, which meant I needed a passing grade. The last thing I wanted was to retake a class that I hated. After finishing my homework, I took out the note from Ryan and stared at it. When a drop hit the paper, I realized I was crying again.
Why had he done that, dammit? Why had he said the one thing that would haunt me? I didn’t want to think about it too much, but I couldn’t help obsessing over the fact that when I had asked him last night if he had ever loved his ex, his answer had been no—because he hadn’t been afraid of losing her.
What did it mean that he had left me a note saying he didn’t want to lose me?
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. It didn’t matter. None of it did. Even if Ryan had loved me, it would have been impossible. He was finishing grad school, and I had four more years of undergrad. After that, I had no idea what I wanted to do.
More importantly, we were from different planets. His parents were stately and richer than fuck. My parents … Well, Mom would say something inappropriate within two minutes of meeting someone like Ryan’s mother. Hell, if I had spent a few more minutes in front of that woman, I would have made a complete fool out of myself. Ryan and I together had been one big cosmic mistake.
Now that I was thinking about it, I couldn’t even see how Ryan had gotten to be the way he was—funny, easy-going, fun to be around. Somehow I doubted any of these things described his mother. Maybe he got his intensity from her. After all, his mother had stared right through me, and Ryan could make me melt with a single look, so there was that.
Fuck, Alex! Enough. If I thought about things any longer, I would regret my decision. For some reason, it made me think of Jelly Bean, my first dog. As a little kid, I had expected she would come with me to college. But the summer before seventh grade, she had gotten sick. Then one day she just couldn’t get up anymore, and the vet had told us that he could give her medicine to ease her pain—but that she wouldn’t live more than a few weeks. I had wanted to bring her home so bad and just have those weeks with her. Then my dad had asked me if I really wanted her to suffer. I had cried and cried. But finally I had decided that I couldn’t make her suffer, and the vet had put her to sleep that day.
Even at the age of twelve, the thought of making someone I loved suffer so that I could have a few more weeks with her had seemed cruel. So I had said goodbye to her rather than holding on and causing us both more pain. And that was exactly what I had done with Ryan. Rather than waiting for pain in three weeks or three months, I had chosen now.
I did homework until half past four before going up to the room to change into my workout clothes. Sometime in the past few hours I had decided that jogging incessantly was going to be my new hobby. The way I saw it, if I ran long and hard enough, maybe I wouldn’t have the energy to think about Ryan.
It was still raining when I got outside, but I didn’t care. I ran out to the sidewalk and did a loop around campus. By the time I got back, I was soaked and my lungs burned. Essentially, I felt like crap—but the pain was good. Hurrying to the room, I unlocked the door and grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater. But when I reached the bathroom, I was hit by another memory of the perfect night I had spent with Ryan—the shower this morning.
Shivering, I stepped into one of the concrete stalls and pulled the curtain. Turning on the water, I started crying and promised myself that I would move on and forget Ryan Bennett.
Chapter 20
Ryan
I was drinking too much, and I didn’t give a shit. I could have easily killed two bottles, and even then I would have been more sober than Jess and Brenda. I looked across the table at Brenda’s friend Sarah. She worked for an accounting firm downtown, stood about five-eight, and was only four years younger than I was. Compared to Alex, she was appropriate.
And, really, there was nothing wrong with her. She had light brown hair and blue eyes, and she was pretty enough, apart from the unnatural hue of her skin that screamed tanning salon. I knew because Gretchen had been fucking obsessed with tanning.
I had joked once that if she didn’t ease up, she was going to end up being the tannest woman on the planet. It hadn’t gone over well. Gretchen’s exact words had been: What the fuck do I care what you think, asshole? I hadn’t realized it at the time, but that interaction had probably been a pretty good predictor of where our relationship had been headed.
My mind drifted to Alex’s soft, pale skin. It had been nearly a week since I had brought her back to the dorms and she had fucking sprinted away from me. The worst part was that I had known that the girl down the hall had been lying. Alex had been in there. I had smelled the shampoo from the cottage all over the room, and it had taken everything I had not to swing the door open and drag her out of there.
Fuck. Alex had practically eaten me alive in the car. Then she had taken off like I had been the damn devil. And I hadn’t heard from her since. Not that I had expected to. But what I had expected was for these fucking feelings to die down. I had barely slept all week, and when I did sleep, I would dream of Alex before waking up in a cold fucking sweat with Finn sitting at the side of the bed giving me his best German Shepherd you’re-an-asshole look.
Agreeing to dinner at Jess and Brenda’s place had not been my smartest decision, mostly because the second I had stepped foot in their house, they had looked at me like I was about to come unglued. And maybe I really was losing it. But inviting another couple and their single friend Sarah? Jesus. The entire night had been a fucking set-up.
“Does anyone want to play Pictionary?” Brenda asked brightly after dessert.
I looked at her and stifled a groan. Oh, fucken shoot me. I had to get out of here. I wasn’t ready for middle age yet. Getting up, I put on my best regretful expression.
