by Shelia Grace
“Yeah, it’s kind of perfect, isn’t it?” I mumbled to the dog.
Finn rolled onto his back, and I patted his chest. Looking up, I saw Ryan standing on the other side of the glass with just a towel wrapped low around his hips. He looked … perfect. Turning around, I faced the view, and the next time I dared to look, he was in the bed, fast asleep. After a few minutes, I tiptoed inside and looked down at him. His hair was still damp and he had the slightest frown on his face like he was contemplating serious things while sleeping. Yawning, I walked over to my bag and pulled out a pair of little pink shorts and a white T-shirt. I changed outfits in the bathroom—which was fucking awesome. The shower alone was nearly the size of my dorm room. Back in the room, I dropped down onto the couch across from the bed, curled up, and closed my eyes. Bad car sleep hadn’t done much for me, and I passed out.
When I rolled over, I felt soft sheets against my skin, and for several seconds I thought I was home. The only problem was that the sheets were too soft, and the bed was several times larger than the twin at Mom and Stephen’s. My head jerked to the side, and I saw Ryan on the other side of the bed, fast asleep. He must have woken up, moved me to the bed, and then gone back to sleep.
I closed my eyes, and by the time I woke up again, the sun was lower in the sky, which meant I must have slept most of the freaking day. Sitting up groggily, I swung my legs over the side of the bed. It felt like years had passed since the morning. Looking toward the balcony, I saw Ryan looking out at the view as the sun approached the horizon.
“I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable,” he said when I walked outside and joined him.
His blond hair was disheveled, and I caught myself wondering what he had been wearing in bed. Looking down, I smiled.
“Thanks for moving me. I can’t believe I didn’t even wake up.”
He pointed toward the view.
“We pretty much killed most of the day. You want to get out and take a walk before the sun goes down?”
I nodded and followed him back into the room where he pulled on a shirt as I grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom to change. By the time I came out, he was waiting at the door with Finn on a leash. Walking downstairs, we crossed through the lobby, and I let myself imagine that we were here on vacation—or on our honeymoon. But I quickly banished the thought. Outside, there was a path along the resort overlooking the ocean.
“What would you be doing if you weren’t here?” I asked curiously, looking up at him and squinting against the setting sun.
“Yelling at my laptop, abusing a punching bag at the Rec Center …”
“That’s what you did for the entire break? That sounds depressing.”
“Life of a grad student. I also spent two days in Vegas with James and a couple of buddies from college,” he said with a sheepish look.
I laughed.
“Good times?”
“Vegas with McDevitt? I would call it dangerous, inadvisable … stupid.”
He looked amused but regretful, and I wondered if he had hooked up with anyone. I shouldn’t have cared. After all, Ryan had made it completely clear that there was no us the day he had walked out of the hospital. The kiss back at the parking lot earlier this morning had been an accident. A mistake. He probably regretted it now. I looked out at the water and shrugged.
“I guess you and Rachel were doing the same thing, then. Wow. Now I feel like the only person who didn’t hit Arizona or Nevada for National Hookup Week.”
Ryan grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop.
“Is that what you think I was doing?”
I straightened up.
“It isn’t any of my business what you were doing. I was just being conversational. You can do whatever you want. I’m just glad you were willing to come get me. I appreciate it.”
My enunciation of each word was crisp and formal, and I could hear the strange coldness in my voice. It was the perfect defense mechanism. Even when I was hurting, I could look like I didn’t give a shit. In fact, the more hurt I felt, the easier it was to feign complete and total indifference. Ryan grabbed my other arm and pulled me closer.
“Alex, fuck this friends-only shit. I want a second chance to be with you. I don’t deserve one, but I’m asking for it. You decide. I don’t want to lose you again.”
Part of me wanted to scream at him. You didn’t lose me—you left! There was only one problem with that little piece of self-righteous bullshit. Saying it would make me a hypocrite. Because I had done the same thing. I had run away from him first. We both kept doing the same damn thing—running away when things got scary. Was it fear of losing the other person? I frowned. Running away because you were afraid to lose something made no sense. But did anything about Ryan and me make sense?
I looked toward the horizon and watched the sun’s rays bouncing off the water toward us. Turning to face him, I took a deep breath.
“Okay. I’m going to be completely honest with you, and I don’t expect you to say anything back. But if you can’t handle it, I need to know.”
He nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“I love you.”
There. I had said one more time. Now he knew without a doubt what my feelings were, and if he wanted to run, then that was on him.
Chapter 28
Ryan
I stared down at Alex and tried to remember the first time or the last time either of my parents had said those words to me, to Becca, or to each other. Had I ever said them to Gretchen? I had proposed to her, but had I ever said the words I love you?
What I felt for Alex was indefinable. At first it had felt like an addiction, an obsession. But somewhere along the way it had changed. And the day I had seen her get hit by that car, it had felt like my world was ending.
So I had run away rather than face that possibility.
I didn’t want to say anything insincere or insulting. Instead I pulled her to me, hoping that I could make her understand what I felt for her. I let my lips graze hers and wrapped an arm around her waist, bringing my other hand to her cheek. When I brushed my lips against her ear, she shivered.
“Will you let me show you what I feel for you?”
She looked up at me, and when I took her hand, I could feel her trembling.
“Alex … I don’t deserve to be, but I want to be your first. More than anything.”
I didn’t say it, but I wanted to be the only person to touch her, and the possessiveness I felt scared the shit out of me. Her breathing hitched, and she pulled back. I held my breath as she stared up at me.
“I want that, too,” she said finally.
We started walking back to the room as the sun drifted toward the horizon. Looking over at her, I realized that I didn’t want to consume her. I wanted to be with her, to learn from her … and to teach her. Unlocking the door to the room, I walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.
“Are you hungry?”
She laughed and seemed to relax.
“Yeah. Starving.”
I motioned for her to take a seat at the bar and started collecting items for dinner. Then I poured a small glass of wine for myself and a glass of sparkling cider for Alex. Looking at the cider, she frowned.
“No wine tonight,” I said seriously. “I need you to be completely sober. Do you understand why?”
She nodded.
“Well, if you’re not going to let me help, you mind if I take a shower?”
I smiled as I thought about following her into the shower.
“Go ahead.”
She grabbed her bag, and I watched her take out her phone. With a twinge of guilt, I remembered that her parents thought she had driven north with her flaky friend from high school.
“Yeah, Mom. Safe and sound. I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you tomorrow.”
When she put the phone down, I saw her hand shaking a little. She started walking toward the bathroom, but she stopped when I called her name.
“You can change your mind whe
never you want.”
She set the bag down in the bathroom and then turned back and walked over to me. She wrapped her hands around my neck and drew me down until our lips touched. Then she let go.
“I don’t want to.”
I watched as she walked back to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Finn got up and sat outside the door, like he was guarding it. Hearing the shower turn on, I tried to focus on chopping tomatoes and garlic. I felt guilty—but also relieved out of my goddamned mind—that I had taken the box of condoms out of the grocery bag before Alex had unpacked it. I was a dick for even buying them, but I hadn’t wanted to get caught without protection and end up kicking myself for eternity.
I left the sauce to simmer and walked over to the nightstand to open the box of condoms. Staring down at the bottle of lubricant next to them, I realized that I had been thinking about this moment … a lot. I was very aware it was Alex’s first time, and I wasn’t going to take the chance of hurting her. Taking out the bag of tea-light candles—another illicit purchase I hadn’t wanted her to see—I put them around the room, lighting them with the lighter I had lifted off of that douchebag last night.
I finished making the salad while the sauce cooked, and when the shower stopped running, I put the pasta in the water. A few minutes later, the door to the bathroom opened. I waited, but Alex didn’t come out. Smiling, I leaned forward on the counter and watched with amusement as my dog wagged his tail, like he was encouraging her to come out. When she finally did, I felt my cock stiffen with the same ruthless insistence as the first night I had seen her in Robertson’s class. She looked around the room.
“Wow,” she whispered.
Her long, dark hair was loose, hanging straight down her back, and her cheeks were flushed from the hot water. She was wearing a pair of black silk shorts and a matching top that made her pale skin glow. I swallowed. I was about to make a joke about losing my appetite—because right now all I wanted to do now was carry her to the bed. I didn’t say anything, though, not wanting to come off as a complete dick. Leaving dinner on the counter, I walked over to her, and Alex glanced down at her outfit self-consciously.
“I’ve never worn these before,” she blushed. “I guess it’s a little silly for dinner.”
“You’re beautiful. And you’ve made it very difficult for me to focus on eating,” I pointed out.
She laughed.
“Well, it smells amazing, so maybe I should change into sweats.”
I shook my head.
“I’ll manage.”
She followed me to the counter.
“They have a good restaurant in the hotel. I would have taken you out if it weren’t for him.”
I cast an accusing finger at my poor dog, but Alex shook her head.
“This is better.”
She set a pill case on the counter before going to the refrigerator and taking out one of the water bottles. I watched as she swallowed a tiny blue pill.
“I’ve been on the pill since I was sixteen. I mean, not for sex …” She blushed again. “Well, obviously.”
Fuck the condoms, a voice in my head screamed. But that wouldn’t be fair to her. She took the salads to the table, and I walked over and pressed play on the phone, which was in the dock by the bed. Joining her at the table, I watched as she took a bite of salad.
“I’m going to die when I have to go back to dorm food,” she sighed. “Okay, I’m being dramatic. I’m not going to die. I’m going to dream about this dinner, though.”
I smiled, but really, I was hoping that after tonight she would be dreaming about what came after dinner. I watched her carefully throughout dinner, searching for any sign that she would change her mind—because part of me knew this was wrong. But the rational side of me had given up the second I had seen her running toward me yesterday afternoon. This was my second chance, and I wasn’t going to give it up. The only thing that would stop me tonight was one word from her: no. Apart from that, an eight-point-oh earthquake wouldn’t fucking stop me. I had made too many mistakes. I had almost lost her.
Tonight was ours.
I ate two plates of pasta in the time it took Alex to finish one, and when I stood to clear the dishes, Alex helped. Standing at the sink, I looked over at her.
“Dessert?” I asked, trying not to seem like the only thing I could think of was stripping those little black pajamas from her creamy skin.
She nodded, but when I reached for the door to the refrigerator, she stopped me. Pulling up my shirt, she leaned forward and kissed my chest. Then she laughed breathlessly.
“Damn, you’re tall.”
“Or you’re very short,” I teased, helping her to pull the shirt over my head.
When her fingertips skated over my chest, I stopped smiling.
“Alex, if you want to stop, you have to tell me, because I’m not going to want to. Okay?”
She bit her lip.
“Okay,” she nodded.
Her hands dropped to the front of my jeans, and I gritted my teeth as my cock jerked. I grabbed her hands and stilled them before bending down slowly and lifting her into my arms. Reaching the bed, I set her down on the floor and brushed her hair back so that I could kiss her neck just below the jaw. When she shivered, I began pulling up the thin top covering her breasts. Then I dropped to my knees and eased the shorts over her hips. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and when my lips brushed her hip, she trembled.
Standing, I lifted her and laid her on the bed, careful of the marks on her ribs. I kissed the bruises and tried not to think about driving back to Southern California to destroy the prick who had hurt her. Holding myself above her, I trailed my lips up to her neck, and she reached up for my belt again. I shook my head.
“Not yet.”
I shifted until I was lying next to her on the bed and then began kissing her slowly, gently. Her lips parted, and I tasted her, my tongue pushing slowly into the soft moistness of her mouth. When I reached up pinched her nipples, she squirmed. Then I began to kiss my way down to the soft skin of her stomach. Taking a pillow, I pulled it beneath her hips before spreading her open. I touched her clit with my tongue and began stroking her in small, gentle circles as I held her hips still. When she moaned, I pulled back and looked up at her. Her breathing was choppy, and her eyes were closed. I wanted to take her so badly. But tonight I needed her to want it more.
Trailing my lips back up her body, I took her nipples into my mouth one at a time, grazing each one lightly with my teeth until she whimpered. When I came down beside her and touched her cheek, her eyes fluttered open.
“Alex? Are you ready? Because I’m about to go further than we’ve gone before.”
She nodded, but when I looked down, her hands were clenching the sheets. Bending to kiss her again, I slid my hand slowly across her stomach before dipping lower. My middle finger came down on her clit, and she gasped. I did it again, caressing her slowly over and over before letting my fingers slip down to test the entrance to her pussy. When I penetrated her with a single finger, her muscles clenched around me and I felt my cock stiffen painfully. She was so tight. I pulled out and then slid back in gently as I pushed my tongue into her mouth.
My entire body was screaming for me to take her, but I held back, sliding my finger back to her clit and caressing her until she was whimpering and bucking against me. When I stopped, Alex looked up at me in a daze. I rose off the bed, and her eyes darted to my hips as I undid the belt. Then she watched silently as I tugged off the jeans.
Her chest rose and fell quickly with each breath as I pulled my boxers to the ground. Then she licked her upper lip, and that one, small motion undid me. I reached for the condoms on the nightstand and tore one off. Pinching the tip, I rolled it on and picked up the bottle of lubricant. She was very wet, but I still applied a generous amount to the condom and my fingers before coming down on my knees between her legs. This time, when my fingers slid against her pussy, she tensed.
“Is it going to hurt?”<
br />
“Not if I can help it.”
I began stroking her clit again, quickening the pace until she nearly came apart beneath me. Then I lifted her hips and waited for her eyes to open again.
“Are you sure?” I whispered.
“Yes,” she cried. “Ryan, please.”
I held my breath as I guided the tip into the hot, wet heat of her pussy. Gritting my teeth, I struggled against the urge to thrust all the way as she gasped and tensed beneath me. Jesus. She was so fucking tight.
“It’s okay, Alex. Relax.”
I lowered my mouth to hers again and kissed her softly. Then I nipped her lower lip and pressed past the entrance. Pushing slowly, steadily until I was all the way inside, I held her as a pained cry ripped from her lips. With every ounce of restraint I had, I kept myself still, my muscles straining to keep the weight from her chest. Then I pulled out, and she whimpered, her hips arching to meet me. Groaning in relief, I grasped her waist and lifted her as I came to my knees. I lowered her slowly onto my cock, brushing my lips against her ear.
“I’ve wanted this since the first moment I saw you. I wanted to be your first.”
She whimpered again as I began rocking her. Her cheeks were flushed, and the feeling of her around me was driving me over the edge. I needed her to come now. I brought my mouth to hers again, feeling her arms tighten reflexively around me. I couldn’t stop. I urged her faster until her breathing hitched.
“Come for me. I need to feel you coming while I’m inside you.”
Dropping my hand between us, I stroked her clit as I filled her. Her head fell back, and she cried out as her pussy tightened relentlessly around my cock, pushing me to the brink of pain. In that moment I lost control, urging her to ride me over and over until my vision narrowed. The clenching of her muscles brought me all the way, and I growled as I pumped into her.
Lowering her to the bed, I ran my thumb across her lower lip. Then I kissed her flushed cheeks, her forehead, and her temples. When her breathing began to even out, I pulled out very slowly and got up.
