by W Winters
“It doesn’t matter--”
“The fuck it doesn’t!” I scream out of nowhere, shocking both of us.
“It’s all right.” I can hear Seth but I don’t dare rip my eyes away from Jase.
“Get out,” Jase gives his partner in crime the command and I listen to his heavy footsteps as he leaves. I can’t even look him in the face. He didn’t come just to stay with me, that’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit.
“Who?” I demand.
“Marcus.” Jase’s chest rises higher and falls deeper, moving slower as he tries to stay calm and collected. I take a step to my right, and he takes a step to his left.
“So you sent your men?”
“Seth said you weren’t there, that you took off or something happened. So I sent every man I had.”
“He didn’t knock. He didn’t try calling me or saying my name when he walked in.” Shaking my head, I deny the innocence that he’s trying to portray.
“He thought he may have frightened you into hiding.”
I complete the series of events for him. “You thought that would be good. Scare me into your arms.” My glare lifts to the specks of gold in his dark eyes. “You thought it would be easier to convince me, didn’t you?”
I can hear the deep inhale he takes as he sucks in a breath. “I made a mistake.”
“One fucking lie after the next with her.” I repeat the words he used before he knew I was outside the door with a taunting flourish. “How many lies, Jase?”
He doesn’t answer me; he merely steps closer. “Can you even remember how many you told?” My voice gets louder with each question. Still, he doesn’t answer.
“How about the debt? I just found out Carter never knew about it.”
Jase doesn’t react, he doesn’t falter, still hiding behind a hard façade.
“Are you going to say there was truth to that? That my sister did what? What do you want to say she did, what did she do to rack up that debt? Tell me all the horrible things she did.”
I can’t explain how the pain flows; the best way to describe it is to say it’s like a river flowing over jagged rocks. “You’ll never know how much it hurt me to think she’d done something horrible to have a debt like that.” I can’t even speak the sentence clearly as I brace myself on the furniture.
“I’m sorry.”
“So it was a lie too?”
“Yes.”
“And the break-in? It was all you all along?”
“Yes.”
With heated cheeks and a prick at the back of my eyes, I remember how I fell out of the cabinet that night and called for him. I remember how awful I felt the next day for ever thinking poorly of him.
How stupid I was. All I am with him is a step behind and foolish.
“You held me after. You knew and you held me after.” I feel sick. My body leans to the left as my head spins and the bastard dares to reach for me.
“Get the fuck off,” I say as I shove him away with every ounce of strength I have. It does nothing but push me backward, hitting the chaise and brushing my elbow against the leather. “Stay the fuck away from me,” I grit out with disdain, pointing a finger at his chest.
He walks right into it. My finger is now touching his chest.
It’s the lack of respect for my boundaries. This is the last fucking time I let him disrespect me.
His chest is like a brick wall, hard and unmoving, even after I slam my fist into it. My throat feels raw as I scream and the sides of my hands spasm with agony as I beat them against his chest over and over. “Get away from me!” Tears stream down my face in an oh-so-familiar path.
I hate it. I hate it all.
I hate the way it hurts. I hate that he did it.
I hate that I know he’d do it again, no matter how much he insists that he’d start the story over if he could. He’d do it the same way each and every time, because he doesn’t trust me to love him.
“I hate you,” I scream at him and his idiocy. “Stay away from me!”
Jase doesn’t try to hold me back or stop me. He simply watches me lose it. The look on his face is one I recognize and it only makes my heart hurt more.
When our patients don’t want to admit they’re not okay but they’re struggling to do anything at all we tell them, sometimes you have to break. You have to let it out, you have to feel it, you have to move through it even if you’re a sobbing mess the entire time.
Sometimes a good cry or screaming session to let the anger and sorrow out is unavoidable.
Sometimes you have to break, even if you know you won’t be put back together when you get to the other side of it all.
My body feels heavy as I drop to the floor on my knees. Struggling with the weight of it all. I can feel his hands on me, his grip to stay close to him, but I ignore it.
How many times have I held on to someone just as Jase is and told them to do it, to let it all out? To break apart. Not because you want to, not even to make anything better. Simply because you have to.
“You’re a monster.” The statement swells as it leaves me, strangling me as it goes.
Still, Jase holds on to my wrists.
The smooth wood is cold and I just want to lay my heated face against it. To let it all out, but Jase is there, not leaving me alone.
“I had to,” he says and the statement is stretched with desperation.
I can barely swallow at this point, let alone speak.
There’s no use fighting his grip on me; he’s stronger. There’s no use trying to wipe my eyes, since the tears keep coming.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he whispers once I’ve stopped altogether, just feeling every piece of me shatter.
He didn’t mean to, but he did it anyway.
“I didn’t want to lie to you,” he says and his voice is calming as he brings me into his lap.
He didn’t want to, yet he did.
A heave of sorrow erupts from inside of me as I realize I didn’t want to love him, but I did. I didn’t want to trust him, but I did.
“There are very few things that a person has to do,” I whisper against his shirt, staring at the crack of light under the door. “You chose to do that to me. You chose to lie and scare me to get me to do what you wanted. You chose to manipulate me.”
The gentle rocking is paused and it’s then that I realize how hot I am, leaning against him and I try to pull away. This time he lets me.
The irony is that all he had to do was ask or even tell me. I was so desperate for someone and something. Him scaring me had nothing to do with it. “You didn’t have to do it.”
“I told you, I told you if I could start it over, I would.” His voice is low, but has an edge of anguish.
“You didn’t tell me why though,” I say and lift my head to look him in the eyes, finding my own reflection staring back at me. Crumpled and weak, just how he sees me. “You didn’t tell me it’s because you lied to me every step of the way.”
“There are reasons.”
“There’s no reason good enough.”
“I couldn’t let you go.”
“It’s not your decision to make.” Every response from me turns colder and more absolute. Inside I’m on fire, the blaze of hate destroying everything that made me feel alive with Jase Cross. It rages in my mind, changing the memories, making me feel like they weren’t real.
It was all a lie.
“You wanted me to marry you and weeks ago you fed me one lie after another so I’d do what you want.”
“Bethany,” he pleads with me.
“I told you I loved you and you made me feel like you loved me too.” My brow pinches together as I wipe violently under my eyes. “How could you when you knew it was all a lie?”
“Bethany, don’t. It’s not like that--”
“But it is! That’s exactly what it’s like!”
Placing both of his hands on my shoulder, he tries to console me as if he’s the man who should be doing that. “It’s over with now, it
’s better now.”
“I never want to see you again.” As I speak the words, my heart splits in two. I feel it slice cleanly, seemingly fine, then bleeding out in a single beat. “I have to protect myself and you keep hurting me. You won’t stop.” I hate that my bottom lip wobbles. I hate that I believe what I’m saying. I hate that it’s the truth. “If you need me to behave some type of way, you’ll lie to me. You’ll pull strings and make me do what you say.”
My head shakes at the idea, hating what he’s done and wanting to deny it; Jase’s shakes on its own, but for different reasons I imagine, because he knows I’m telling the truth. I’m not the one who’s lied. Feeling my resolve, I push myself up off the floor, ready to leave him. Preparing to piece myself back together and lick my wounds, but he stops me with one statement.
“Marcus has Jenny.” Jase’s voice is low, the words coming from deep in his chest.
Jenny?
“How dare you.” I have no air in my lungs. No will to do anything but slap him. Hard and fast, leaving a red mark and forcing his head to whip to the side. “You don’t get to use her against me. You don’t get to manipulate me with her ever again!” I scream in his face and then clench my teeth together when he grabs my wrists as he pins me to him, restraining my elbows so I can’t hit him, so I can’t move. All I can do is look in his eyes.
“She’s still alive, Bethany,” he whispers and it’s so compelling.
I want nothing more than to believe him. To believe the liar who’s already brought shame to her memory.
“She’s dead.” A fresh flood of tears threatens to fall, but I won’t let him see them. He doesn’t get to be there for me. Not again. I pull away from his grasp, ripping my arm away so I can free myself.
The bright red handprint against his cheek is still there. “She’s alive. We have a video of her with a man after the funeral. After the trunk was discovered.”
“With Marcus?” I can barely remain upright. She’s alive. I’m so cold. A freezing wave flows over my skin. She’s alive.
Hope makes my body tremble.
“A different man. He’s dead, but we have an idea where he’s keeping her.”
“Where who is keeping her?”
“Marcus.”
I’m so confused, so consumed by questions, but one begs to be answered. “How long have you known?”
Silence. The silence is my answer.
“I have never hated you more,” I speak when he doesn’t. Swallowing thickly and feeling a spiked ball form in my throat, I continue. “You saw what that did to me. How could you watch me mourn her death…” I have to stop and breathe in deep.
“Because I love you… I didn’t want to tell you if I couldn’t save her.”
“So you can save her now?” I question him, focused on my sister before realizing what he said.
I love you.
“You’re telling me all this now because we’ve fallen apart.” I speak the unforgiving truth. “Not because you can save her.” And not because you truly love me. I keep that bit to myself.
“I’m trying. We have a plan. I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure.”
“You’re sure she’s alive?” Jenny. My sister’s face plays in my mind and I have to cover my own. Please, God. Let her be alive.
“As of two weeks ago, yes.”
Two weeks. Two weeks is so long. Too long. Please, God.
“Will you save her for me?” I beg him, looking up at him and praying for him to do just that. Even if he doesn’t love me. Even if he lies to me a million times more until the day I can see her again. “I’ll do anything,” I confess and my voice cracks.
“I’m doing my best. It’s the first time we’ve ever tracked anything that has to do with Marcus.”
I have never felt more at his mercy and more alone than in this moment. I don’t know what to believe or what to do. It’s too much.
“I’m breaking, Jase. I can feel myself slowly breaking down and I can’t stop it. Don’t take advantage of me. Don’t do this to me. I’m not okay.”
“I’m not taking advantage of you.”
“Then don’t say you love me if you really don’t. It’s not fair. Because I do love you. I hate you right now and we’re not okay, but I love you.” I don’t know how I’m even able to speak, since the sudden rush of emotions are warring with each other at the back of my throat.
Jase struggles to hide his as well. “I don’t love you, is that what you want to hear?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t use what we used to have.” My finger raises as I yell at him, my voice cracking. He loves me.
Heaving in a breath with the intensity growing in his eyes his own voice trembles as he says, “Whether you believe it or not, I love you and you’re staying here.”
With an exhale and then another, a calmer one, his expression softens as he waits for me. He’s waiting for me to say it again and I know he is. “Everything I’ve done is for you. I love you, cailín tine.”
“I don’t want you to call me that right now.” I stop him with the statement, not knowing what to believe. Adrenaline is coursing through my body. Fight or flight taking over. He won’t let me leave and he’s the only one left to fight. “Of everything I learned today, the only thing that I can focus on right now is that my sister is still alive.”
“I know. And I’m here for you.” He tries again to appeal to the side of me that’s still holding on to hope for us. I’m ashamed to admit that side still exists.
“How could you watch me cry for her and accept her death when you knew she was alive? I can’t even stomach the thought.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you expect to say you’re sorry and I simply forgive you?” I throw his own words back in his face. “Words are meaningless.”
“You can’t leave me when we fight.” He says the words like they’re a truth that’s undeniable. Like nothing else matters.
“Lying to me isn’t the same as fighting. And what you lied about… I’m not okay.” Pulling away from him, I feel the chill in the air. “Nothing about this is okay.”
My legs feel weak when I stand and he tries to right me, but I do it myself.
“I’m going to the guest room.” I give him my final words. The only ones I have for him in this moment. “Don’t lock me in and don’t trap me. But leave me the hell alone for right now.”
Loneliness is a horrible companion, but it’s the one I need right now. I think about messaging Laura, but I’m still pissed at her. Instead, I sit on the bed and look out of the window. Just to think. Just to break down again. All alone.
Does he know the nightmares he’s given me? The hate I feel for myself knowing I’d said goodbye to my sister, even though I still felt her presence. I knew I shouldn’t have, that it was too soon.
Shame is what comes for me when the loneliness no longer matters.
I don’t hear the door open and I don’t hear Seth walk in until he speaks from across the room. “Are you all right?”
Lifting my head from my folded arms, I glance over my shoulder. I’m certain I look like a wreck, with my knees pulled into my chest so I’m merely a ball of limbs staring out a window.
“What do you think?” I ask him.
“I know you hate me--”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Well, I know you’re mad at me, and I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” The petty answer leaves me instantly. I’ll be damned if I’m simply going to forgive him in this moment.
The bed dips and I turn back to Seth, warning him to get the hell out. “I’d like to be alone.”
“Just one thing.” Although it’s a statement, he says it like it’s a question.
With a nod, I agree to hear him out.
“He lied to you, he does that,” Seth tells me easily, like there’s nothing wrong at all with it. “He made mistakes he’s not used to. He decided to do things he shouldn’t have.” There’s a rhythm to his voice that’s calming. I fall
for it, listening to every word he says. “He’s not the only person I’ve ever met that lies to make other people feel better.”
“He could say he’s sorry,” I counter as if a simple “sorry” would make much of a difference. Then I remember… he did. He said he was sorry. I don’t remember for which part. Maybe all of it. He was right though, words are meaningless.
“He’s not. He’d do it again if he had to.” I’d be pissed off if Seth wasn’t so matter of fact and if I wasn’t so convinced already that what he’s saying is the absolute truth.
“Then why should I ever trust him again?” That’s really what it comes down to. I don’t know that I can believe him or trust him ever again.
“Because he’s trying to be a better man… for you. He’s done all of this, for you.”
I try to respond, to disagree. But I can’t. Intention matters and behind all of this, he wanted to keep me safe. He tells me one last thing as he makes his way out.
“You know he loves you.” Seth sounds so sure of it. “Just love him back.” With that he shuts the door, not waiting for a response.
Jase
“I’d say she’s pissed,” I comment in the dark night as I shut my car door. I fucking hate that I’m not there now, just in case she wants to talk or yell… even if she wants to hit me again.
“I’d say she has a right to be.” Glaring at Seth’s profile, I note that he doesn’t look back at me until he adds, “She loves you, though.” When his eyes reach mine, I look ahead instead.
He changes the subject to ask, “You ready for this?”
It’s bitter cold as the clear, glassy surface of the puddle beneath my boot is shattered. I don’t hesitate to take another step and another. Moving quickly through the harsh wind to the warehouse.
“No one’s ever ready for this shit.”
“I don’t like not knowing what to expect,” Seth comments, and it’s only then that I notice how tense he seems.
“Whatever happens in there, we’ll figure it out,” I assure him. “Follow my lead.”
“I’m not sure I’m the best at that, Boss.”
“You’ve always been the best.”
