Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  I remind myself that I can do this and maybe Adam won’t know I’m talking about him. I take a deep breath, turn around and start presenting my piece:

  “The nights grow dark and cold as I remember how you smile. I remember all of our times together. There’s not a day that goes by when you’re not on my mind. You save me every day and I owe you so much.

  It was us against the world. You were my first love; my best friend but when the darkness knocked on my door, you left me alone. How could you leave when I gave you every piece of me? I told you things I never could tell anyone else. The night you left, I felt like you took a piece of my heart and I would never get it back until you came back into my life. Why did you come back? Why didn’t you ever try to contact me? Do you know what that did to me? Did you know what I did to myself? Years of silence, but then out of nowhere God gave you back to me. I can’t look at you without crying. The memories will always be in my heart. I saved you once; can you save me now? Can you save me from the darkness and bring back the light?”

  I finish my presentation and look around the room. I feel his eyes on me and the sadness in me consumes my body. Adam.

  The way he looks at me makes me wonder if he knows I’m talking about him. It’s obvious and I think that’s what I want. We look at each other for a brief moment before I go back to my seat and hear Dr. Mason congratulating me on my wonderful presentation.

  The rest of class goes by in a blur and the next thing I know Dr. Mason dismisses class. I get my things together and walk out to meet Adam in the hall. When I get out in the hallway I notice Connor standing next to Adam. “Hi Connor,” I wrap an arm around his waist and put my head on his chest. He’s a good five inches taller than me. He’s very attractive with his black hair and hazel eyes. I give him a quick squeeze and look up innocently at him, “Want to come with us and get breakfast?” I see his face scrunch as he’s thinking about whether or not to come.

  Connor was really affected when I pushed them both out of my life. When his parents died he didn’t have anyone either until the Simpson’s adopted him. Since that day, Adam and Connor were brothers and best friends. Each time Adam would come around, Connor would stay home. I didn’t understand why he avoided me but Adam said not to worry about it. I don’t remember how we became friends but once we did, it was an instant friendship. Connor helped me through a lot and always said that one day I’d be his sister. I thought that we’d be ok since we’ve talked and hung out a few times. But I know he’s scared like me and doesn’t want to get too close.

  I still hope he feels the same way. He looks down and eyes me with some resistance. Even after the few times we’ve hung out, he’s still feeling weird around me. I don’t blame him but I hope things will be ok soon. “Only if you pay,” He replies.

  I start laughing and take his hand in mine. It’s comfortable to be around him. As we walk ahead, I can feel his smile. We start walking over to the café in silence. I nudge Connor in the arm, “so what’s going on with you and Erin?”

  “Ha ha real funny, I’m still mad at you.”

  I pout, “I know you are and I’m really sorry.” I stop and turn him toward me. “You know leaving you was the hardest thing, but I had to do it. I wasn’t the same Sophia you knew and loved.”

  “Love,” He said.

  I look up at Connor, “Huh?”

  “You said loved. I still do love you Soph. Just because you pushed me away doesn’t mean I left. I was just waiting for you to stop being a bitch and realize it.” His voice was soft.

  I feel the tears coming down from my eyes and jump into his arms. He holds me tight as if letting me go would be the biggest mistake. I whisper how much I miss him and that I am sorry. I promise never to leave him again and I can hear his breath hitch. I got the easy part of the way, now it is time to get back Adam.

  “So touching you guys, now can we please, eat I’m starving.” Adam pats Connor on the shoulder and we walk toward the cafe.

  We make our way to the counter and put in our orders. I order a blueberry bagel with cream cheese on the side, Connor orders a muffin and Adam orders a breakfast sandwich. We find a table in the corner of the room and take a seat, “Alright so here we are,” I say, “I’m really sorry you guys for being such a bitch.”

  Connor smiles and eats his breakfast. Adam looks at me but doesn’t say anything.

  “Adam…” I start to say.

  Adam interrupts me and I see him smiling. “Soph it’s been a long time and the times we’ve hung out have been great.”

  “Yeah I know…” I’m waiting for him to tell me everything is a mistake and he doesn’t want to see me again.

  “Let me finish.” He takes a bite of his sandwich. “It’s been a long time and I just want to say I’m sorry. I knew that leaving you would be the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every single day and I wish I could take it back. But you scared me back then. You weren’t the same and I was too scared to try and break through to you.” He takes my hand into his, “I just want us to be friends again.”

  There’s the key word, friends. My silly notion of us having our own happily ever after goes down the drain.

  “Yeah I agree, friends.” I feel the pain in my heart again but ignore it. I should have known better, he doesn’t think of me that way. We start talking away and catching up on what we’ve all been up to. Time goes by so fast and it’s almost noon.

  “Alright guys I got to go to work. But I’ll talk to you later, ok? I said.

  Connor and Adam both get up and hug me good-bye, “I’ll text you later,” I smile.

  “I’ll be waiting,” Adam replies.

  The walk to the counseling center isn’t too far away. It gives me some time to think about the past few hours and how my life has gone back to the way I want it to be. I have my best friends back and I’m happy.

  I finally get to the counseling center and put my things down on my desk. There’s a beautiful array of pink and white lily’s sitting on my desk, “Oh my God what is this,” I softly say. I open the note that’s attached to the bouquet:

  To the love of my life. I hope you have a great day today. I’ll be thinking of you. Can’t wait to see you tonight.

  Yours,

  K

  I throw the letter away. I can’t believe he has the nerve to do this. Nothing is changing and I don’t want him back in my life. I look at the bouquet in disgust. There’s nothing Kyle can do to make me forgive him. I take the bouquet and throw them away.

  “Now is that how you show your appreciation?”

  I look up and see Kyle staring at me. I start panicking and remember I’m on campus in the counseling center with people all around. “Kyle, go away. Don’t send me anything because nothing will change.”

  He put his forearms on the ledge and leans in closer, “You will be mine again,” he whispers.

  I hate him. His eyes are dark and scary. I can’t believe I wasted my time with him. I regret each moment and want nothing to do with him. “Kyle I will never be yours again. Now please leave before I call security.” I can’t help but notice the smirk on his face as though he doesn’t believe me. I pick up the phone and he starts to back away. “You’ll be back.” He leaves and I sit back down in my chair. I can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. I get to work and try to forget about him and our little encounter.

  There aren’t any students this afternoon and work goes by so slow. I’m so bored and can’t wait to be done. I finish making all the copies I need and all the confirmations calls are done. I help run various groups we have on campus, but today isn’t very eventful.

  “Sophia?”

  I turn around, “Oh good afternoon Dr. Taylor, how are you? Do you need anything?”

  “No sweetie, but you didn’t get the message huh?” she laughs.

  “What message,” I slowly said.

  “I cancelled all the appointments today because I’m on call at the hospital for my mom. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to be here when I had
to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.”

  “Oh gosh, no I didn’t know. I hope your mom is ok. Do you need anything?”

  “No sweetie I’m fine but go home, do something fun today and we will reconvene at our next session.”

  I start getting my things together, “Sounds good. I’ll keep your family in my prayers.”

  “Thank you Sophia that’s very sweet of you.”

  I give her a quick hug and text Erin to tell her to meet me for some girl time. When I get to my dorm, Erin is waiting for me on my bed, “So you mind telling me what the hell is going on,” she asks.

  My hands run over my face and start shaking my head, “Adam wants to just be friends.”

  “Well that’s better than nothing Soph.” Erin’s tone seems hopeful but how can I picture my life with Adam when all he wants is my friendship.

  “Yeah I guess.” I sit on my bed and pull my legs in. “I want him to know how much I miss him.”

  Erin comes closer to me and puts her arm around me. “Let it work itself out babe. It’ll get there.”

  I sigh. “Thanks for being here for me.”

  She gives me a hug, “Always doll.”

  I groan knowing that she’s right. “Alright you are right. But can we get dinner I’m so hungry!”

  * * * * *

  After dinner Erin and I decide it’s time to have some fun and to forget about all the drama. We walk to a nearby bar that is an all-time favorite in town. It’s a bar and grill with TV’s all over playing all the major sport games. The patio is huge with tables and an outdoor bar. As we walk-in, I notice the bar is packed. We see Adam and Connor playing darts. He’s here. I must have stopped breathing because Erin starts laughing at me before leading me to the bar. “Let’s do a quick shot!” I nod. I can’t get drunk but a few drinks won’t hurt. “Bartender two lemon drops!”

  “You can’t let me get drunk, Erin!”

  “Yeah we can’t get you drunk.” We both throw our heads back and laugh.

  Last time I got drunk, it was my freshmen year, I was so mad with the world. I hated everyone. I tore my room apart. I nearly attacked Erin. It was a bad situation and poor Erin had to watch me break down so since that night, I have not drunk a drop.

  The bartender brings our shots with some sugar packets. We pick up the glasses, lick the top of our hand and pour some sugar on, “Alright ready?”

  “Ready!” We clink them together, lick the sugar and take the shot. The alcohol goes down smooth.

  Erin grabs my arm and pulls me toward Adam and Connor. “Come on!” I freeze and pull my arm away. I scratch my head and point over to the TV. “Um don’t you want to watch the game?” Erin wasn’t taking no for an answer. She takes my arm again and we walk over to the guys.

  “Anyone up for a fun game,” Erin walks over to Connor and puts her arm around his waist. I get shy again around him. I wish he would tell me he wants more. I’ve been thinking about how good we can be together. I look at him. He’s wearing light jeans with a white sweater and a black polo underneath. He always looks good. His hair is a little messy-I love when it’s like that. Adam finishes his beer before walking over to me. Please, do not sound like an idiot. He puts his arm around my shoulders and brings me close to his body, “Hey you.”

  “Hi.” I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. He’s perfect. This is perfect.

  “How was your day?”

  “Better now.” He kisses the top of my head before going back to his game with Connor.

  The rest of the night we’re laughing together and playing darts. It’s fun hanging out with everyone. We drink a little more but nothing crazy. Erin and I take another shot before killing the guys at darts! The bartender calls for last rounds and we decide it’s time to head out before it gets wild. Adam pays for our drinks before we head out. I watch as Connor and Erin hold hands and walk in front of us. Adam pulls me toward him again, “I think they’d be good together. He can’t stop talking about her.”

  “Erin too, she likes him.” We walk out together when I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. I pull it out and see it’s a text message from Kyle.

  Kyle: Having fun? You can try and hide from me but I’ll find you.

  My body tenses. He’s here. I look around trying to find him. I know he’s here. I feel him. “Hey what’s wrong, Soph?” I turn back around and see Erin holding onto my shoulders. Connor and Adam are both looking at me. I don’t know what to say. I start shaking and hand my phone over to Erin. She reads the message from Kyle but doesn’t say anything. “Hey it’s ok. Let’s go.”

  We start walking back to campus when I feel him. I knew it. He’s never going to let me go. He’s never going to stop bothering me. “Sophia!” I hold on tighter to Adam and can’t turn around. I can’t face him.

  “Kyle, leave now.” Erin yells.

  “Harrington not tonight man. You’re drunk. Just walk away.” Adam pulls me in closer.

  “Oh I see what’s going on Simpson, you fucking my girl?”

  “She’s not your girl anymore. Just get out of here.”

  “Is that what you want Sophia? You want me out of your life?” I need to do this. I need to tell him again. He won’t leave me alone. I look at Erin and she gives me a nod. I turn around and look at him. His eyes aren’t his anymore. I don’t know who he is but I don’t want him near me. I need to be strong and stand up for myself. What he did to me isn’t my fault. “Kyle we aren’t together anymore. I don’t want you in my life. Please leave me alone.” Adam pulls me back toward him and doesn’t let me go. Kyle backs away and doesn’t say anything before leaving.

  Erin comes over to me and hugs me. “See you can do this. Just be strong.”

  “You’re right. I can do this.” Kyle will not run my life anymore. I will get over him and move on with my life without him.

  Connor walks Erin back to her dorm. We give each other another hug before parting ways. Adam takes my hand and we walk together. The silence between us is comfortable. I need it. I don’t want him to ask questions. Not tonight. When we get to my room, he looks at me and moves a piece of my hair from my face. “You’re so beautiful Sophia.”

  “Oh Adam,” I bring myself to him and rest my head on his chest. I love this feeling. I love being so close to him. I feel his heart beating. “Thank you for tonight. You’re always saving me.”

  “And that’ll never stop Sophia. I’ll always be here for you.” He rests his chin on top of my head and we stay like this for a while longer.

  Chapter 7

  Today’s my session with Dr. Taylor. I let out a sigh and take in what’s around me as I walk to the counseling center. I can’t tell her about Kyle hitting me. I don’t want anyone else knowing. I’m in a good place now and I just want to forget all the scars. I’m smiling and laughing more. The nightmares are over and I can sleep through the night. Adam and I are hanging out more. I love the way he makes me feel.

  Last week we drove to New York City to look all of the Christmas decorations and ice skating at Rockefeller Center. It was great to get away from everything and everyone. He never left my side and held my hands through the city. We talked about coming back every year around to create more memories. I love this man and being around him. He left me kisses on my forehead and was the perfect gentleman.

  I make it inside as I walk into her office and take a seat on the sofa like I always do. Dr. Taylor looks up from her laptop and smiles. “Hi Sophia.”

  “Hi Dr. Taylor. Take your time, I know I’m early.” I take out my cell phone and play a crossword puzzle game while waiting for her to be done. While playing my puzzle, my phone starts to vibrate and I see a message from Adam come up. I get excited and start bouncing on the sofa. I look up to see if Dr. Taylor notices my excitement but she didn’t. I open the message and smile:

  Adam: Good morning pretty girl. Just checking up on you to make sure you’re ok.

  Me: Good morning yourself. I’m ok. I’m in a session with Dr. Taylor. Can we
talk later?

  Adam: Yeah no problem. I’ll be lifting for a little so I’ll text you later?

  Me: Sounds good. Have fun.

  Adam: You too ;)

  I giggle to myself and close out of the messages. When I look up, I see Dr. Taylor looking at me smiling. “How are you today Sophia? You seem very happy,” Dr. Taylor states.

  “I am happy. Kyle and I are over. It feels so good to not have him around me.”

  “That’s great Sophia. So tell me more about Adam.”

  I don’t know where to start but all I know is that having Adam back in my life means the world to me. I feel complete and whole. My missing puzzle piece came back to me. He shows me how I should feel and helps me realize what I truly deserve. Happiness. I deserve this happiness and I won’t let it go. Adam’s here to stay. “We’re taking things slow. Actually, we haven’t really talked about a relationship. We’re just friends.”