Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  The nurse is typing on her computer and doesn’t look up at me. “Name please?”

  I’m impatient and don’t have time for this. “Sophia Burns.”

  The woman looks up, “You’re Dr. Burns’ daughter?”

  I nod my head.

  “Hold on please.” She pages my dad and in a few moments I see him coming to me.

  “Daddy?” I see the worry in his eyes and feel my heart breaking. I run up to him and give him a hug. I am not sure what is going on.

  “Sweetheart, what are you doing here?” I see my dad frowning and I know he is not happy to have me here.

  “The hospital called me saying Kyle’s here. I guess he listed me as his emergency contact.”

  “Sophia.” My dad looks down at me. “Erin told me everything. Sweetheart why are you here?”

  I’m speechless. I don’t want him to know what is going on. Why would Erin tell him? I know she is trying to protect me but it is not her place to talk about me to my family. I’m so mad! This is why I don’t trust people! I feel bad and ashamed. He has enough to deal with and I don’t want to drag him into my drama. It happened and I’m over it. People need to stop dwelling on the past and let me move on! “Daddy, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It is my fault he is here. I can’t just leave him like this. His parents are in California and all he has are his friends and me.”

  “Had you, Sophia, you cannot see him, I forbid it!” My dad is getting mad and his voice starts to scare me. “Sophia,” he comes toward me and hugs me, “I cannot have you around him. I cannot believe he hit you and has been treating you this way. Please honey, stop and think about this. You have Adam-go be with him.”

  I sigh. “Daddy, I just want to make sure he is ok.”

  I see the anger in my dad’s face but he understands. We walk down the hall and the hospital seems busy during this time. I start to feel nervous because I am unsure what to expect. He puts his arm around my shoulders and takes me to Kyle’s room. “What happened?”

  “Kyle was found in his dorm passed out drunk. Apparently he was on a binge and there was vomit all over. Now we were able to revive him but then he became violent so we had to restrain him. He is on meds right now, but sweetheart I don’t think this is a good idea. Does Adam know you’re here?”

  I look down. “No.”

  We get to Kyle’s room and the white walls have medical posters all over. There are machines all around him with an IV in his arm. The restraints are around both of his wrists and I can see him looking out to the side; he looks empty as if the Kyle I first met wasn’t there anymore. “Daddy, can I get a minute with him?” There is hesitation in his expression. “Daddy, I’ll keep my distance. I just need a minute or two.”

  “Ok honey, but just be careful.” He kisses me on my forehead and heads out of the room.

  I pull up a chair to Kyle’s bed and take his hand, “Kyle?” He still doesn’t look at me. “Talk to me, what is going on? I’m here.”

  “Why are you here?” His raspy voice is hollow and there is no emotion. “You broke up with me. No one wants me.”

  “Kyle, I am sorry but I couldn’t live like that anymore. Do you know what you were doing? Don’t you feel bad?

  “Of course I do. I love you Sophia. I just lost my temper. Are you coming back to me?” He turns his head over in my direction. I can see the hope in his eyes.

  “Kyle, I’m with Adam now.” I let go of his hand. “But I want you to be happy and move on.”

  “If you hadn’t left me, this wouldn’t have happened. What, did you fuck Adam?”

  His voice is full of anger and hate. “Kyle, stop now! I didn’t even have to come see you but I felt bad and wanted to make sure you’re ok!” I push the chair away from his bed and get up. I pace the room and put my hands to my face. I knew this was a mistake. Great!

  “Sophia, look at me please.” I turn around, still keeping my distance. I see the agony in his eyes but I don’t know how sincere he is being. Kyle always had a way of getting what he wants. “Just come back to me babe. I can be better. Who is going to be there for me? Who am I going to share my dreams with? You were the only one I was able to run to and trust with my heart. Just give me another chance?”

  Before I can respond, the door swings open and I see Adam and my dad standing in the doorway. Adam comes running to me and takes me in his arms. “Kyle, just leave her alone. This is the last time you’ll see her.” He leads me out of the room and all we can hear is Kyle screaming my name.

  “Sophia, what were you thinking?” The hurt in his eyes broke me. I don’t know how to answer the question. I don’t love Kyle. I love Adam but I felt like I needed to be there for Kyle and make sure he was ok. I need to make Adam understand that I can’t just let Kyle be on his own. I can’t be cruel.

  “I don’t know. I feel bad. I did this to him. Look at what I did! He wouldn’t be here if I had stayed with him.”

  His hands are on my shoulders and I see him about to break. “Baby, what are you talking about? He is the one that hurt you! You don’t owe him anything. Are you trying to destroy us?”

  “Adam, no!” I don’t want this to happen. Can’t he see my view? “Adam, please listen to me.” I grab his hands on my shoulder and give him a reassuring squeeze. He has to know that I am only trying to be nice. I don’t want him to give up on us when things get hard or I do something stupid. I’m learning just like him. “I was just trying to be nice and make sure he is ok. Kyle does not mean anything to me. But I feel like I owe him.”

  Adam backs away and lets me go. “I don’t know what else to do Sophia. I’m trying here but when I got the call that you’re here with Kyle I don’t know, I freaked out.” He comes toward me again. “Why baby? Why did you come visit him? Do you still want to be with him?”

  I quickly shake my head. “No! Adam, I want you.” Adam looks at me and I can see how I’m hurting him. “I’m sorry I came to see him but he doesn’t have anyone.”

  Adam throws his hands up in the air. “So? He doesn’t deserve your kindness, Sophia.” Adam turns around and hits the wall with his fist. My body tenses and I still don’t get why he is so upset. Kyle is in restraints and can’t get to me. It is not like I was going there to be with him or anything. I slowly go up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. I feel how worried and anxious he is feeling. “Adam,” I whisper, “Please, stop this.” I rest my head on his back.

  Adam turns around to look at me but all he can do is shake his head and walk away. I’m frozen and can’t move. How is this happening? I try and call out for him but something stops me. How can I let the best thing that has ever happened to me walk out of my life?

  Chapter 15

  “You did what?” Erin gets up from my bed and gives me a menacing look. “You are an idiot. You know I love you but you are a true idiot. If I could slap you, I would.”

  It is been a few days since Adam walked away. I am staying at my dad’s house for the time being. Adam has not tried talking to me and has ignored all of my text messages and calls. I feel so little and empty. I can’t sleep at night because he is not here with me. The nightmares are getting worse. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Kyle standing over me. Each dream is filled with hate and rage. The look in his eyes haunts me and I can’t shake him away. This isn’t what I want. I just want someone to understand me! Why is that so hard? Why the hell can’t I just be happy or have some peace. The hospital has been calling me nonstop and telling me Kyle has been asking for me. I won’t go back there to visit him. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Erin doesn’t get it and Connor has been avoiding me. He says this is my fault and I need to fix it.

  Dr. Taylor has been away to care for her mom. I’ve tried talking to my dad and Sarah, but they’re still mad at me. I can’t fucking do anything right!

  I throw my pillow across the room and cover my eyes. “Erin, what was I supposed to do? I mean he wasn’t even listening to me!”

  Erin takes my hands away from my eyes and looks at me.
“Oh, I don’t know, ignore your ex, who fucking beat the crap out of you. Ugh… Sophia I’m so mad at you.”

  “You and everyone else,” I replied.

  “Hey! Enough with this pity crap. You did this Sophia.” She pulls me up from the bed and shakes me a little. I feel like a fucking child. “You listen to me Sophia Burns. Do not try and play the ‘pity me’ card. You knew how much Adam hates Kyle. He quit the basketball team for you! Why are you trying to mess this up?”

  Erin’s right. I’ve never known her to be harsh with me, but I deserve it. I push everyone out of my life and make up excuses. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what is going on. I just don’t want to get hurt again.”

  “And what has he done to make you think that?”

  I think about that and lay back down. Adam hasn’t done anything to make me think he is going to leave me again. He has been nothing but perfect. I let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know, but I’m sorry.” My voice is low and I feel miserable.

  “Well I’m not the one you should be apologizing to honey. I love you and I’m always going to be here for you. But I need you to take your head out of your ass and look at me.” I look at her and listen to what she says next. “Adam is crazy about you. You’ve let him go twice already. I saw him last night and he is miserable. He doesn’t do anything. Connor has to make him go to the office for work. You should see him Soph. He has that loss in his eyes and is so distant from everyone. Connor said that he is not sleeping at night either.”

  I think about how broken he must feel. I’m doing this to him again. “I don’t want to keep hurting him, but he won’t talk to me.”

  Erin quickly gets up and grabs my arm. “Well then let’s go to him!”

  We get to her car and drive back to the apartment. I’m feeling scared and nervous because I don’t want him to ignore me anymore. I try and come up with something to say.

  When we get to the apartment, fear races through. I’m embarrassed with what happened and how I treated Adam. I let him walk away and I don’t want him to think I’m done because I’ll never be done with him. My love only grows and I want to be able to show him that. No more running.

  I open the door using my key that he gave me. It is quiet inside. I see Connor laying on the couch reading. He looks at me as I walk in and smiles. “Go talk to him, Soph.”

  I nod and walk to our room. When I walk in, I see him lying on our bed sleeping. He is holding onto my pillow and I touch my heart. I look at what I’ve done to him. I’ve broken him again. I want us to make it through the storm and enjoy the sunshine. I realize that I’m nothing without Adam and I can see his love for me. I look down and see a framed picture of us from Florida. It is on his side of the bed. I pick up the frame and see a piece of paper flutter down. I pick it up and gasp.

  You’re my best friend forever. Just you & me Adam.

  I remember when I wrote this for him. It was for his 16th birthday and I found a picture of us on the beach. He had his arm around me and we were both smiling. Those were happier times. I sit on the bed next to him and place my hand on his arm while gently shaking him. “Adam, I’m here.”

  He slowly turns around with tears in his eyes. “Sophia?”

  “Oh Adam.” Before either of us can say anything else I slide onto the bed next to him and let his strong arms hold me tight. I miss him. I miss everything. I have to stop taking him for granted and focus on us. I want things to work out with him and I want to be able to have a future with my best friend. “I’m sorry I let you walk away. I promise I’ll try harder. Please forgive me.” The words are like a whisper because I am scared with what he will say next.

  “I miss you, Soph.”

  “You don’t hate me?”

  “I’ll never hate you.” His soothing words shock me. I don’t know why it is hard for me to believe him. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight. “I miss you too.” I look at him and lean in to kiss him. Our lips touch with such gentleness at first but then Adam flips me on my back and deepens our kiss with such urgency and want. I need his lips on me. I need to feel him. His hands cradle my face as his tongue explores my mouth. The heat between my legs grows and I want more-so much more. The teasing of our tongues makes me moan and I can feel his harden length against me. Suddenly he pulls away. “What is wrong?” I breathlessly say.

  “I don’t want to push you, Soph.”

  “I want this.” I try and pull him back down.

  Adam starts laughing. “Baby, I want it too, but I want to make it special because you’re special to me. You aren’t some random hook up. You’re my forever.”

  There is a knock on the door and Connor cautiously comes in. “So, we’re hungry.”

  Adam and I start laughing. “Alright let’s grab dinner.”

  Erin and I change into something a little nicer while the guys are in the kitchen drinking beers. It is amazing how little time guys need to get ready.

  “So things are good now?” Erin asks.

  “I think we’re going to be ok. He wants me to learn how to trust him and I’m trying.” I give my best friend a hug and hold her tight. “Thank you for opening my eyes. I owe you.”

  “Good Soph. You deserve to be happy. Just be happy and that’s how you’ll repay me.” I’m lucky to have someone like Erin in my life. Without her, I’d be lost.

  I decide to wear a simple strapless black dress. I look at myself in the mirror and am pleased. I have lost weight and the dress isn’t as form fitting but it still shows my body. I know Adam is going to love this dress. I put on some makeup and lip-gloss and we head out to our sexy men. Adam sees us coming to the kitchen, “Well… well don’t you ladies look nice.”

  “You don’t look too bad yourself.” Adam had on a dark blue button down shirt with jeans. I put my arms around his waist, “I’m glad you took me back.”

  “I’m glad you came back.” He kisses me on my head.

  “Alright can we go? I’m starving.” Connor pushes us out the door.

  We head over to Donovan’s for dinner. The atmosphere is relaxing and it feels good to be out. It is busy tonight but we are able to get a table immediately. It is strange how people act around Adam, but I don’t ask him about it. Once we are seated, I look around and notice we are in a secluded area. “Adam, wow, how’d you get a table?”

  Adam was about to answer when Connor chipped in. “He is that good.”

  We all start laughing as our server comes to the table to welcome us. Adam orders a bottle of champagne and oysters to start the night. The conversation is light and casual as we catch up with one another.

  “Soph, how’s Optimax coming along?” Erin asks.

  “Well it is good but I’m doing it by myself because freaking Steven dropped or whatever. I don’t know. Dr. Henry’s been emailing me and telling me about these new products. I send him my ideas and proposals and he seems to like it, but something’s not right. Everything seems too easy. My thoughts aren’t that good.” I see Adam and Connor looking at each other. “What?”

  “Nothing… baby. Stop doubting yourself.”

  Once we put in our orders I look over at Connor and Erin as they talk softly amongst themselves. “So when are you two going to be official?”

  “I don’t know. Connor what do you think?”

  “Soph, we’re going to do what you and Adam did and wait twenty-one years before becoming a couple.”

  We start to laugh as Adam takes my hand. “Well worth it.” He leans in and kisses my cheek.

  Our food comes out as we start to eat. We talk about upcoming events and our vacation to Florida. I’m excited to spend some time with Adam and get away from all the drama. I think about lying on the beach with Adam and watching the sun set with him like we used to do when we were younger. I smile to myself as I think about all the times we spent together.

  I grab Erin’s hand and tug on it. She looks at me with a weird expression and I give her a look to let her know I need to talk. “We will be back. Bathroom break,�
�� I announce. I pull Erin through the restaurant and when we get to the bathroom, I walk to the sink and place my hands on the counter.

  “What is wrong?”

  “Erin, I don’t know. I think Adam is keeping something from me. When you asked me about Optimax, I don’t know. I have a funny feeling. Adam and Connor gave each other a weird look. Did you notice it?”

  Erin rubs my arm and shakes her head. “Stop Soph. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. So what if they work there. You earned this!”

  I shrug my shoulders and lean against the counter. She is right. It is not a big deal but I don’t want Adam keeping anything from me. If we’re going to have a stable relationship, I need to learn how to let him in and he needs to be honest with me. Erin and I chat about the guys a little while longer before heading back out to our dates. When we come back, dessert is waiting for us. Two chocolate truffle cheesecakes with white chocolate drizzled on top. My mouth is watering. I love cheesecake. I sit down and give Adam a kiss on the cheek. “How’d you know this is my favorite dessert?”