Pastures of Faith

by Sarah Price

  Rachel took the letter and held it in her hands, her eyes reading the wavy writing on the front of it. Her father. Clearly it was her father’s handwriting. Her heart sank in her chest. This was the first letter she had received from him. For a moment, she fought the urge to be angry with him. Over four months and not one letter? Now this? Even before she opened it, she knew that whatever was written inside couldn’t be news that she wanted to read.

  The paper made a crisp, crinkly sound as she opened the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper. It was folded three times and didn’t look to have a lot of writing on it. Carefully, she unfolded it, holding it her hands for a moment before her eyes met Lillian’s. “My daed,” she said softly. Lillian nodded and, with a reassuring smile, turned back to her work so as to give Rachel some privacy.

  Rachel’s eyes scanned the letter then, slowly, she re-read every single word. Each word seemed to float inside of her head and she felt dizzy. She was glad that she was sitting down for fear that her knees would give way under the weight of his message. True, she had known that this day was coming but she could scarce believe the words that littered the paper in her hand. Lifting her head, she looked out the window, trying to digest the message. Home, she thought. Where is home anyway?

  With a sigh, Rachel looked up and cleared her throat softly. She waited for Lillian to turn around and look at her. “He wants me to return to Ohio for the October baptism,” she said softly as she folded the letter and slid it back into the opened envelope.

  Lillian took a deep breath. “What do you want, Rachel?”

  “I….” she began but stopped, wondering what, indeed, she truly wanted. Yet, the answer was before her as she looked out the window and saw the small figure of Daniel out in the pasture, walking along the fence line to check it for breaks. His straw hat blew off of his head and he stooped down to pick it up as she watched. “I think I need to think a spell,” Rachel whispered and, setting the letter on the counter, excused herself from the kitchen.

  For a while, she sat on the front porch, pondering the contents of the letter. Why, she questioned, after so much time, did her father want her home now? He had been so eager to send her away and had not communicated with her once during her stay with the Lapps. What was so important that he gave her two weeks to say her goodbyes and return to Ohio?

  More importantly, why was he insisting that she become a baptized member of their congregation? She knew that, once baptized, it would be harder for her to leave. After all, baptized members were expected to settle down within that community and to marry within that congregation. Leaving a congregation meant requesting special permission from bishops in both districts. It wasn’t unheard of but it did create problems. Could her father have heard about her growing friendship with Daniel? And, if so, why would he care anyway?

  When the sun began to dip in the sky, she knew that Linda would be coming home from school soon and, once home, Rachel would have no peace. She wasn’t done thinking. Her heart sat heavy in her chest and she didn’t want to force a happy face for little Linda. So, Rachel took it upon herself to escape to the privacy of the hayloft in the barn. No one would bother her there, at least not until the evening feeding.

  She crawled up the ladder and dusted the cobwebs off of her dress. It was warmer in the hayloft but she didn’t mind. She was getting accustomed to the humidity of Lancaster County, despite the first day of fall being just around the corner. There was a loose pile of hay in the corner and she snuggled down into it, breathing deeply to enjoy the clean scent of the hay.

  It didn’t seem fair that her daed wanted her home now. She had been in Lancaster for over four months. While the beginning had been a bit tumultuous, she had come to enjoy herself. She loved Lillian and the children. And, of course, she had a wunderbaar gut friend in Daniel. She felt her heart sink in her chest when she thought about Daniel. How would she ever have the strength to leave Daniel?

  Rachel shut her eyes and said a quick prayer to God to give her strength. She knew that she couldn’t argue with her daed. Honor thy father and mother, the Bible said. In the Amish community, God came first, then a husband, then parents. She knew that she had no choice but to respect and honor her father’s wish, no matter how disappointed she was to leave. Yes, the Bible told her what she needed to do.

  She thought back to what Daniel had said to her so long ago. Faith, he had said. Have faith. Even though she couldn’t see the reasons or understand the rationale, she had to have faith that this was part of God’s plan for her. Faith was believing in what you didn’t understand or even when you just didn’t know the facts, she told herself. Faith was the only way she would get through leaving Lancaster County to return to the memories that lingered in Ohio.

  A shadow crossed in front of her, covering the light from the window as though shielding her from the sun’s fading rays. She felt a soft tickle on her cheek and, fearing it was a spider, swatted at it as she woke from her afternoon slumber. It was his soft laugh that finally awoke her and she quickly sat upright, knocking him backward from where he knelt before her.

  “Daniel!” Clearly, he had startled her. “You scared me!”

  He tried to get back onto his feet and reached a hand down to help her to hers. “You were sleeping like an angel,” he said when she reached for his hand.

  “You shouldn’t have been watching me,” she whispered. She looked around. “You shouldn’t be up here with me alone!”

  Daniel shrugged and reached out to pluck some hay from her shoulder. “No need to worry, Rachel. No one is near.”

  “That’s not the point,” she said, trying to give him a stern look as she dusted more stray pieces of hay from her clothing. “It’s just not proper.” She started to walk past him but he reached for her hand and, with a firm but gentle tug, pulled her back toward him. She stumbled, not expecting his action. But he reached out, catching her with his other arm and pulled her close. “Daniel!” she said, partially laughing as she tried to free herself.

  “Rachel, I never saw a sleeping angel before,” he said, his voice low and husky.

  His breath felt warm on her neck and she felt his cheek against her skin. There was no denying the thrill that raced through her body. Her skin felt on fire and her heart raced inside her chest. But she also knew that, even one kiss, would do irreparable damage. “Daniel, please let me go.” When his arms didn’t release her, she began to panic. She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed, as hard as she could. “Daniel, stop!” she demanded and, finally freeing herself, she stepped away, staring at him with questioning eyes. “Is that the type of girl you think I am?”

  He smiled, reaching for her hand again but keeping his distance this time. “You are my girl, Rachel. I just wanted to be near you.”

  “Well,” she said, her voice softening. The tenderness in his words and expression calmed her. He hadn’t meant her any harm but, she also knew that any further encouragement would do much more harm than an innocent hug in the hayloft. “That’s won’t do. Besides,” she said as she tilted her chin into the air and tried to remain stoic. “I have to leave.”

  “Chores aren’t for a while and no one else is around. We can go sit outside but let’s spend some time together while we can,” he replied. He caressed the back of her hand with his thumb, loving the feel of her soft skin.

  “No, that’s not what I meant,” she said, lifting her eyes to meet his. There was a touch of sorrow in hers, a sorrow that cause the joviality of the moment to immediately dissipate. Daniel stopped joking and let his hand release hers, sensing the seriousness of the moment. And then she spoke the words he had dreaded to hear. “I have to return to Ohio.”

  “Ohio?” he repeated. The word sounded foreign and evil as it rolled off of his tongue. Why would she have to leave? Not now, he thought. Not yet. “Why? For how long?”

  She gave a casual toss of her shoulder as though trying to suppress her angst. But the lack of color in her face gave away her true feelings.
“My father wants me home, Daniel,” she explained. “For the baptism in Ohio.”

  “Baptism?” The word came out as though he spat it. “Why now? Why Ohio?”

  “That’s what my daed wants,” she stated.

  “What about what you want, Rachel?” He began to pace the creaking floorboards of the hayloft. “What about you? Does he think about that? He sure didn’t think about what you wanted when he sent you here. Now he wants you to return?” The anger was apparent in his voice, despite his trying to remain calm and talk sense into her.

  “Daniel!” She frowned at him, trying to remind him that he was stepping over a line. “That is my father, ja? And, until I am married, I am beholden to my father. You know that.”

  Her words stung. But it was the truth behind the words that hurt the most. If her father wanted her to return, she had no choice but to go. To dishonor his wish was in direct violation of God’s law and Daniel knew that Rachel would never do that. She was too good of a daughter to not heed her father’s wishes.

  “Rachel,” he said as he turned toward her. “You can’t leave now. We’ve only just begun.”

  “Begun what, Daniel?” She smiled at him but there was a bittersweet look to her expression. “We barely know each other, have only spent a handful of time alone, and come from different communities. You don’t know that we’ve truly begun anything.”

  “That’s not true,” he stammered.

  “God has a plan for me,” she stated, her words crisp and direct. “I have faith in God. You told me to have faith and I am really trying. I have to believe that God’s plan will be right gut. I have faith in Him. It’s people that I always wonder about,” she added as she headed toward the ladder.

  She reached for the top of it before she began to descend. With a deep breath, she looked up, seeming at peace with the situation. “You should try to trust in God more, Daniel. Isn’t that what you have been telling me for all of these past weeks? Have faith in God and in people. God has a plan, doesn’t he? After all, He was there long before and will be there well after anyone else, ja?” And then she was gone, quickly descending down the rungs of the ladder.

  Chapter Eighteen

  For the next few days, Daniel seemed to move about in a fog. He couldn’t believe that Rachel was going to return to Ohio, a place that seemed so far away. If she left, he’d probably never see her again. Oh sure, he thought. They would exchange a few letters and make promises to visit. But he knew that it was too far away for the relationship to continue. And that thought didn’t sit well with him.

  He found himself openly watching her, not caring if his brothers saw him. Even Samuel’s side comments or mocking faces didn’t bother him anymore. Daniel simply ignored his youngest brother. When Rachel worked in the garden or hung out the laundry, he’d lean against the side of the barn and stare, his mind wandering. His daydreaming got him in trouble with his daed on more than one occasion. After a few days of noticing Daniel’s listlessness, Jonas finally put him to work painting the barn.

  “If you going to sit around and daydream all day, might as well put a paint brush in your hand,” his daed said, frowning as he glanced over his shoulder in the direction of Rachel. “No amount of wallowing in pity going to change the situation, I’m afraid,” he added, placing a caring hand on his son’s shoulder as he walked by.

  Daniel noticed that Rachel seemed to avoid him, as though distancing herself would make the break easier. So, Daniel followed her lead and tried to focus on the monstrous task that his daed had given to him. Scraping the old paint off the barn took his mind off of his troubles but there was still emptiness inside of him. He felt hollow and sad, the sparkle gone from his eyes and the spring vanished from his step.

  The rest of the family noticed the change. Lillian stared out the kitchen window, watching as Daniel worked on the barn. She sighed and turned back to look at Rachel who was busy folding some clean laundry. “Sure won’t be the same without you here, Rachel,” Lillian said at last.

  Rachel looked up. “It will be back to normal sooner than you think,” she added cheerfully. But the cheerfulness was forced. She, too, was sad about leaving. Yet she knew better than to complain. Accept it and move on, she told herself twenty times a day since receiving the letter.

  “Mayhaps normal is having you around,” Lillian replied.

  When Rachel didn’t answer, Lillian glanced back out the window. She felt sorry for Daniel. For the past few years, he hadn’t really paid any attention to the young girls who attended church services or the youth activities. The family had been increasingly concerned that he hadn’t courted anyone. When Rachel had come along and his protective nature created a bond, there had been hope that, perhaps, Daniel had finally found his girl. Now, she was going to leave and Lillian worried that the heartache for Daniel might have long lasting ramifications.

  The rest of the family spoke in whispers about it. Sylvia and Lillian gathered in Katie’s kitchen one day, discussing the possibility of writing to Rachel’s father, asking him to reconsider. But Katie was the first to speak up against interfering.

  “Let them figure it out,” she advised. “Not one of you would have liked us to meddle.” She leveled her gaze at Sylvia. “I think you would be one to recognize that, daughter.”

  Sylvia bit her lip and nodded. “You’re right, Mamm.”

  But her mother gently patted the back of her hand, reassuring her daughter that the intention was appreciated. “But I sure do hope something gut can happen, for Daniel’s sake as well as that poor girl.”

  It was the following day that Lillian decided to do something, anything to get Daniel and Rachel to at least speak to each other. It had been five days since the letter arrived and, as best Lillian knew, the young couple Daniel hadn’t spoken to each other since then. The tension in the house was palpable as everyone waited to see what the outcome would be.

  “It’s hot out today, ja?” Lillian said at last. She wiped at the back of her neck. “Seems like July, not September.”

  Rachel was kneaded some dough for bread. She glanced at Lillian but then quickly returned to her work.

  Lillian walked over to the window and lifted the shade. Light streamed into the kitchen. Bending down, she looked outside for a few long seconds. “Rachel? Why don’t you let me finish that? It sure would be nice if you could take some lemonade out to Daniel. He’s painting the barn in the hot sun, poor thing. Bound to be thirsty. I’d do it but,” she rested her hand on her expanding waistline. “I’m a bit tuckered out myself.”

  She noticed that Rachel hesitated before nodding and slowly walked over to the sink to wash the flour from her hands. Lillian took over the task of making bread while Rachel began to prepare a pitcher of fresh lemonade.

  Yes, everyone had noticed that Rachel seemed to distance herself from Daniel and Daniel from Rachel. It was as if they had already said goodbye. Lillian wondered how healthy that was, although she didn’t dare discuss it with anyone. While she certainly didn’t want to go against Katie’s wishes by meddling, she knew that the direction this was going did not have a happy ending. So she stood back and let Rachel prepare the lemonade and take it outside to Daniel for refreshment. Perhaps, Lillian thought, a little earthly intervention would help, since divine guidance wasn’t working so well these days.

  Daniel didn’t hear her approach. He was deep in thought while painting the side of the barn. It was mindless work and he disappeared within himself while doing it. So, when he heard her say his name, he jumped, startled at the interruption.

  “Well, that’s a first,” she said lightly. “Usually it’s you startling me.” She paused. “Just not lately, seems to me.”

  He looked away from her, not making eye contact at first. “Been busy,” he mumbled.

  “Ja, I see.” She stood before him, an empty glass in one hand and pitcher of lemonade in the other. “Lillian thought you might be thirsty, being that you’re so busy out here in the sun. So I made you some fresh lemonade, Da
niel.”

  Pushing the straw hat back on his forehead, he finally looked at her. “That was right kind, Rachel Lapp.”

  She raised an eyebrow at the formality of his words but said nothing. Instead, she poured him a glass and handed it to him. He nodded his thanks and took the glass, drinking it down in just a few swallows.

  “You getting ready to leave then?” he said when she started to turn to leave.

  Her feet stopped moving toward the house and she stood, for just a second, with her back facing him. Finally, she turned back and forced a smile on her face. “I’ll be leaving a week from Monday.” She met his gaze. “Mayhaps you could come to the station to say goodbye?”

  He felt his heart pound inside of his chest. A week from next Monday? That was only eight days away. “That soon?”

  “Harvest is soon over in Ohio,” she explained. “Baptism is right afterward. Daed will want me to take my kneeling vow with the fall baptismal group.”

  “You never spoke of taking your kneeling vow so soon, Rachel.”