by Kylie Brant
She looked down at the table and struggled to keep her voice level. “If you were that desperate for money, Harley, why didn’t you come to me?”
“Now, Julianne.” His voice was too hearty, too sincere.
“What were you going to do about it? I didn’t need a loan, I needed cash. A lot of it. And the truth is, I knew you wouldn’t be able to get your hands on it. Andrew was losing it faster than I was at the time.” He lifted a shoulder. “Word travels in my circle, especially about that kind of money.”
Yes, no one knew better than she that word did, indeed, travel quickly. The fact that her father had heard before she had about the speed with which her ex-husband had spiraled out of control brought one more stab of pain in her chest.
“So you decided to put the ranch on the market.”
He nodded, obviously pleased at her composure. “I was ready to do what had to be done, but Jed here was having none of it.” He slid a quick, wary glance at the silent man.
“He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
“Yes, I’ll just bet he did.” The words tasted as bitter as they sounded. Once Harley had stated his decision to sell, Jed would have made sure he’d be the only buyer considered. His inheritance must have been sizable. The down payment alone on a place this size would have been a fortune. And she already knew how important the ranch was to him, didn’t she? Her gaze traveled to the man watching her silently. It hurt to look at him. The shock of her father’s announcement had settled into a throbbing wound that threatened to tear at any instant.
Harley slipped unnoticed from the room. “You should have told me.” Her words were flat, cold.
“It was your father’s decision,” Jed said evenly. “I figured he should tell you himself. He owed you that much.”
“How incredibly noble.” Propelled to move, she rose from the chair and circled the table. “As if it would make a difference who I heard it from. It doesn’t matter. The ranch is gone.” She propped her hands flat on the table to steady legs that had suddenly gone weak. The deep breath she took seemed to rasp through her lungs. “It’s gone. After all his promises, all this time…” She squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to keep the dangerous emotion caged inside.
“I told Harley you’d take it hard.”
Her spine stiffened at the rough edge of sympathy in his words. Her eyes opened to flash at him. “You let me babble on like an idiot about Harley coming back here to live, and you never said a word about it. I should have guessed, I suppose, when you explained all the money you were putting into the ranch, but you said you’d taken care of it with Harley, and I thought…” She broke off then. What she’d thought, hoped, was that Jed had worked some magic on her father and found a way to keep the ranch safe. And in Jed’s mind, maybe that’s exactly what he had done. At least he’d kept it safe for himself.
Tears scalded her eyes and she longed to scream, to smash something. No doubt that was exactly what Harley had feared when he’d made his surreptitious exit. Never one to face the unpleasantries of life, he’d made his escape when he could.
Jed reached for her then, a gesture she avoided. She felt as fragile as century-old glass, afraid she’d shatter at a touch. He seemed to be searching for words. “I know it’s a shock.”
She gave a slow nod. “I’ll just bet you do. It came as a shock to you when he started selling off land, didn’t it? Kind of shook that nice, secure little niche you have in the world.” She saw his eyes narrow and was fiercely satisfied to have forced a reaction. “How convenient that he decided to sell after you’d come in to a substantial amount of money. Convenient for you, anyway.”
The ice in his voice matched the chill in his eyes. “If you’re suggesting that I pushed him to the idea, you’re way off base.”
“Am I?” she asked recklessly. The disappointment and bitterness frothed and crashed like white water within her.
“Do you honestly expect me to believe that you’re unhappy with the way things turned out? Now you have everything you’ve always wanted.” She turned a blinding smile on him, all the more bright for being completely detached. “The whole place is yours now, and yours alone. If I’m not mistaken, that’s precisely the way you like things.”
Dawn was spilling soft pastels across the Montana sky. Julianne sipped her third cup of coffee, watching the hues bloom above the horizon. With a mental click she freeze-framed the image, storing the memory away, for a time when memories were all she had left of the H/B.
The thought sent sudden pain piercing the dull ache in her chest. Sleep had been impossible, so she’d had plenty of time to think last night. Plenty of time for regrets.
The hostility between Jed and Andrew had kept her from returning with her husband for another visit after that first disastrous one. She’d never trusted Andrew alone enough to chance a trip back by herself. But she’d always known the ranch was here for her. There had been comfort in that. Now even that was to be denied her.
She heard Harley’s stealthy steps before she saw him. She let him reach for a coffee mug, pour it full before she spoke.
“You’re up early, Dad.”
He jolted, splashing the coffee over the rim of the mug he’d lifted halfway to his lips. “Julianne.” Dismay was evident in his voice. “I didn’t expect to see you up.”
“I’m sure you didn’t.”
He wrapped both big hands around the mug and trained his gaze on it. “You didn’t used to get up until full morning.”
She didn’t bother to remind him that he was no expert on her habits. They hadn’t spent any amount of time in the same house for more than a decade. “I didn’t sleep last night.”
He peered at her. “And you look exhausted. Why don’t you head on upstairs? Get yourself a nap.”
She nodded toward the bag he’d dropped to the floor beside him. “Planning on leaving soon?” She already knew the answer to her question. He’d planned on sneaking out like a thief in the night. But unlike a thief, who would have only relieved them of their possessions, he’d stripped her of the one remaining illusion she’d still had about him.
Forced heartiness in his voice, he replied, “Got an early flight. Didn’t want to bother anyone. I’ll drive myself back to the airport. Next time we’ll have us a nice long visit. Maybe you can come and stay with me and Mona for a while sometime.”
Julianne traced the edge of her mug with a fingertip. Her tone polite, she asked, “When, Dad? When should I come?”
“When?” Surprise filtered the word. “Well, sometime after the honeymoon, maybe. Of course, we don’t really have us a place yet. Maybe when we get settled.” His voice grew smoother. “I’ll let you know. We’ll have us a real good visit soon, though.” He drained his coffee and stood up, reaching for his bag. “But right now I better run if I’m going to catch that flight.”
Her words were level, but there was no mistaking their command. “Sit down.”
His face went slack with surprise. “What?”
“I said sit down. I’m not going to make it easy for you this time.”
Harley set his bag down again, but then didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands. They opened and closed reflexively, before he wiped them down his pant legs. Slowly, gingerly, he reseated himself. “What’s this all about, Julianne?”
She surveyed him with clear eyes and a heavy heart. This man was her father, although the occasions he’d acted like one were rare. He’d relinquished his parenting responsibilities so he could follow wherever his addiction had taken him. Yet, she knew he cared about her, in his own way. He’d always failed miserably at showing it.
“I love you.” She watched the unease flicker on his face and felt an overwhelming sadness, for both of them.
“I don’t remember the last time I told you that. The last time I had a chance to.”
He reached over awkwardly and patted her hand. “I know. I feel the same way. We don’t need to talk about these things.”
“Yes, I think we
do.” Fatigue was beginning to make itself known, but it was an exhaustion of the spirit and the mind, owing nothing to the physical. “I think we haven’t talked about these things for too long now.”
Squirming on the chair, he said, “Julianne, let’s wait and do this another time. Sometime when you’re not so tired.”
She looked down. “You mean sometime when I wouldn’t make the kind of scene you hate.” She raised her gaze to meet his. “I don’t think so. I’ve spent my whole life keeping my feelings from you, because emotions make you uncomfortable. I thought shielding you from them would draw you closer. It never did.”
As if he finally realized he wasn’t going to escape this time, his big body slumped a little in his chair. “You always wanted so much, Julianne. I could never give you enough. You always wanted more.”
She’d thought there was no more room for hurt to spread through her. She’d been wrong. “Too much what? Too much love, too much attention? You made me feel that way. Don’t make demands, don’t make any unpleasant scenes. I think that’s why I asked for so little in my life, from myself and from my marriage.”
He raised his head. “You can’t blame me for that.”
“Yes, Dad, as a matter of fact, I can.” The three cups of coffee weren’t quite enough fortification for her to get through this. It took all the inner strength she had to continue. She knew if she didn’t now, she never would. “I was so used to settling for the crumbs you could spare me, I got to where I didn’t think I could ask for more. Well, that was wrong. You were wrong. It’s not greedy for me to want to be loved unconditionally. We all deserve that.”
She let her gaze drift away. If she had to look at him, she knew she couldn’t finish. And if she didn’t finish this, they could never start over. “You’ve disappointed me over the years. Time and again, when you’d put a game or a race ahead of me. But nothing has ever hurt me as badly as your selling the ranch. It was the one promise you’d made to me that you’d kept. Until now.”
There was a shake in his voice that reminded her that he was no longer a young man. “Baby, I explained that. I had to have the money. You were a little girl when I made that promise. How was I to know you’d feel the same way now?”
“You couldn’t.” Tears burned behind her eyes, but she refused to shed them. “Because you never asked. Don’t pretend that you even considered my feelings. I know you too well. All you thought of was what you needed…your addiction.” She drew an unsteady breath, glad this was almost at an end. “But you can’t hurt me anymore, Harley. The one advantage of hitting rock bottom is that there’s nowhere left to fall. You can’t disappoint me anymore because there are no more promises left to break.” Her smile was wavery. “That should be a relief for both of us.”
She didn’t say anything else; she couldn’t. She watched as her father rose, as if suddenly old, and hesitate. Finally, without another word, he reached for his bag and walked out the door.
The cloud of dust from his departure still lingered in the air when Jed stepped into the room.
“Was that Harley leaving?”
Julianne swallowed around the hard knot in her throat and nodded.
He poured himself some coffee and sipped at it, his gray gaze surveying her over the rim. “He didn’t stay long.”
A humorless laugh escaped from her. “Did you expect any differently? He put this scene off as long as he possibly could. It will be months before I hear from him again.”
He sat down opposite her. “I take it you gave him an earful.”
There was no stopping the tears now. A weighty knot of remorse lingered in her stomach. “I shouldn’t have said what I did to him. What difference does it make, anyway? It doesn’t change anything.” Her breath hitched once, then she reached up and swiped the tears away with a furious motion. “Nothing will change what’s been done.”
He made a move toward her, then checked himself, as if knowing his touch would be unwelcome. One large hand clenched into a fist. “I didn’t do it to hurt you, Julianne.”
“I believe you.”
He raised his gaze, met hers. “Really?”
She refused to consider the hopefulness tracing through the word. “Of course. You never considered how I’d feel about you buying the ranch, because you never considered me for a second when Harley approached you. Just as he didn’t. All either of you concentrated on was what you needed.” She felt purged, empty, as if the quick bout of scalding tears had flooded away all feeling. She welcomed the numbness. It was a relief from the jangle of emotion that had gripped her for the last twelve hours. She knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing ever did.
“Tell me what I should have done,” he demanded, his voice dangerously cool. “I knew damn well that selling the ranch would hurt you, but there was no convincing Harley. Would it be easier if you’d found that the ranch had been sold to Walter Larkin, or Jim Pooler? Maybe to one of those fancy Hollywood types who have been moving into the state and buying up the property?” Quick as a flash, his hand streaked across the table and caught her wrist. “Tell me, Julianne. Is it worse having me own it? Would you feel better right now if the ranch belonged to a stranger?”
“It already does.” She tugged at her wrist to free it. “I don’t know you. I thought I did. At least as well as you let anyone know you. But I was wrong.” Her voice grew deceptively distant. “I can see that now. Maybe you really did think Harley should be the one to tell me. But I’ll never understand how you could take me to bed and still keep this bit of news to yourself. That strikes me as a bit cold, even for you.”
“Sleeping with you had nothing to do with the ranch.”
That those low, smooth words still had the ability to send a fast skitter down her spine was surely due to system overload. The reaction was unexpected, and totally unwelcome. “I need no convincing that emotion didn’t enter into the act.”
He bit out a curse, rose and rounded the table. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He came to stand behind her, his hands on her shoulders, sliding down her arms and up again in a skin-warming caress. “I saved the ranch the only way I could. I own it, and I won’t deny I’m glad about it. But I didn’t mean to hurt you, then or now.” At her silence, his fingers tightened on her shoulders and his voice deepened to a rumble. “I don’t pretend to understand what’s between us, but it’s there, and neither of us can deny it. I don’t know what it means. But I know that I want you to stay so we can find out.”
She slipped out of her chair, away from his touch. Busying herself making another pot of coffee gave her something to do with her hands. “I’ll stay. At least until Annie gets back on her feet. I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but I’ve never walked away from a commitment. Once she’s well enough, though, I’ll be on my way.”
She could sense the utter stillness that came over him, even without turning to see it. Could feel the air between them grow thick and charged. Like a coward she kept her back to him.
“Where are you going?”
“To school.” She was proud of the steadiness in her tone. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and if I want to be registered for the fall semester I’ll need to get signed up. Then I’ll have to find an apartment, a job….” Her voice trailed off. The sheer weight of the decision, one that had seemed so right only yesterday, seemed intolerably heavy today. Because now when she left, it was forever. Now when she left, it was goodbye.
He seemed to be choosing his words carefully. “Are you…is Harley going to pay for it?”
She whirled around then, temper flashing. “As if I’d have asked him!”
He inclined his head. “I didn’t figure you would. I just want you to know that I’ll handle your bills.”
“Like you handled the ranch?” The words were out before she could stop and think. A muscle tensed in his jaw, and his eyes went flinty. “No, thanks. I’ll take care of it myself.”
“With what? You don’t have much money. You couldn’t after the way A
ndrew went through it.” He made a swift motion with his hand. “Don’t be petty, Julianne. You need the money and I have it. Let me do this for you.”
She set her teeth to keep from grinding them. “Petty and immature, that’s me.” Her fingers clutched the countertop in back of her to keep them from finding something, anything, and heaving it at his head. “How can I make you understand? I will not take anything from you. I’d rather dance barefoot on broken glass. When I leave here, I won’t be your concern anymore. There will be no more Sir Jed to the rescue. I won’t be coming back.” She held up a hand to stem his words. “Save it. You don’t need me for anything more than to salve your conscience.” Her tone mocking, she reminded him, “You told me not long ago that you didn’t need anybody. The biggest mistake I ever made was not believing you.”
Riding fence was a meticulous, tedious job. There were miles of it stretching around the pastures of the H/B, and all of it had to be checked regularly. But working outside had its advantages, chief among them the scenery. The peaks were backdropped against the bright blue sky, the foothills of the mountains dotted with lush green trees. Somewhere a meadowlark sang its cheerful summer tune. The sound never failed to lighten Jed’s mood. Until now.
He’d given Julianne several days to cool down and start thinking logically. He knew her temper. It was the type to flare suddenly, explode brilliantly, before vanishing. He’d known she’d be disappointed. But he’d seriously underestimated her reaction.
It wasn’t that she avoided him. She was still taking Annie’s place in the house with ever-increasing competence. She fixed the meals and watched over the housekeeper’s progress with an eagle eye. She was there, but she wasn’t accessible. At least not to him.
Kneeing his mount gently, he urged it to a faster pace. He couldn’t reach her on any level. She was civil, but frighteningly distant. She spoke to him about the meals, Annie’s progress. But any attempt to turn the conversation to a more personal note had been met with complete failure.
