Pills
(Party.)
Adam’s head is spinning. The pill has kicked in and he loves everybody. This is it. The highlight of his junior year.
(The highlight of his life.)
This is what it all comes down to. All the long hours slaving over shitty homework assignments. All the sleepless nights. All the money on booze, on clothes, on shoes, haircuts, cologne. The ID scheme. The booze scheme. The exam fiasco. Pizza Man.
(Even losing Victoria.)
It’s all led up to tonight.
The formal.
Janie Ng (goddess).
Leanne Grayson (goddess).
Adam’s high. Adam’s drunk. Adam’s wasted.
Adam’s winning.
He stands at the doorway a moment. Surveys the motel room. Takes it all in. Then Janie and Leanne take his hands and lead him into the party.
238.
Paul and Jessie are smoking a joint on the bed. “Adam,” she says. “You made it!”
Adam looks at her. “Fucking A,” he says. “Can’t have a party without the Pizza Man.”
Jessie laughs. Jessie blinks. Then Jessie turns green. “Shit,” she says. “I think I’m going to puke.”
She runs to the bathroom. Paul grins at Adam. “She’s wasted,” he says.
“I puked at the formal,” Adam tells him. “I felt better.”
“That’s how it works.” Paul motions to where Janie and Leanne are mixing rum and Cokes in red plastic cups. “Looks like you’re getting lucky tonight, huh?”
“I hope so,” Adam says. He looks around the motel room. “If I can find a bed.”
“We have a bed,” Sara Bryant says from across the room. She’s all over Wayne. “We got a private room for the night.”
Adam looks at Wayne. Wayne’s still wearing that same dumb I just won the nerd lottery look on his face. He grins at Adam.
Sara leers at Adam. “You want to join us, Pizza Man?”
“Hell no,” Adam says. “Nobody needs to see that shit.”
“Whatever,” Sara says. She goes back to making out with Wayne.
Adam feels Paul nudge him. “Hey.” Paul hands Adam a key card. “Got this for me and Jessie tonight, but, you know—” He gestures toward the bathroom. “I think I might just take her home.”
Adam looks at the key. Looks at Paul. “Seriously?”
Paul grins at him. “Have fun.”
239.
Janie and Leanne stumble over. They have red plastic cups and Leanne’s having trouble standing. She smiles at Adam, unfocused. “We brought you a drink.”
Adam looks in the cup. Smells the rum. Wants to puke again, but knows everyone’s watching. So he drinks it, as slow as he can. People cheer.
The room turns blurry.
Adam blinks and Steph’s standing in front of him.
“Steph,” Adam says. Across the room, he sees Rob Thigpen talking to Alton Di Sousa by the door. “Hey.”
Steph says, “Where’s Victoria?”
Adam shrugs. “We broke up.”
“Then why the hell are you here?” She looks at Janie Ng, who has her arm around Adam now. “You brought Janie Ng to formal?”
Adam nods. “Uh-huh.”
“And me,” Leanne says.
(Which isn’t in any way true, but at this point in the night, who cares?)
Steph’s eyes bulge. “You took two girls to formal?”
“Math genius,” Adam says. “Nice work.”
Steph opens her mouth. Starts to say something. Stops. Just kinda stands there looking dumb. Then Rob Thigpen shows up with a beer in one hand and a Smirnoff Ice in the other. “What’s up?” he says. “What’d I miss?”
“World War Three, I think,” Paul says.
Everyone laughs. Steph kind of blushes and shuts up, for now. She walks away. Janie sidles closer to Adam. Kisses his neck. Pretty soon they’re making out, and Adam’s torn between:
wanting the world to see him making out with Janie Ng
and
that little plastic motel key card burning a hole in his pocket.
“Careful, Janie,” Rob says. “Slumming with the help can be fun, but you’d hate to make a habit of it.”
(The help?)
(The help.)
Adam stops kissing Janie. Turns to Rob Thigpen. “Call me ‘the help’ again,” he says. “I dare you.”
Then Leanne grabs him and sticks her tongue in his mouth, while Janie’s kissing his neck again. Adam lets Leanne kiss him.
Adam rolls with it.
Adam likes it.
Adam doesn’t hear Rob’s response. Doesn’t care.
Rob turns and walks off. The pill’s running through Adam’s system and he’s on top of the world.
In your fucking face, Thigpen.
Tony Montana.
240.
Janie pulls Adam away from Leanne. Kisses him. “We should go somewhere,” she says.
Adam flashes her Paul Nolan’s motel key. “Funny you should say that.”
Janie smiles, wide. Takes Adam’s hand and drags him through the room to the door.
Then Janie looks back through the room at Leanne. Leanne’s kinda sitting on the bed looking pouty. Looking neglected. Looking lost. Janie calls her name. “You coming?”
Leanne looks at Janie. Looks at Adam. “Hell yes.”
Adam and Janie watch Leanne wade through the crowd. As she gets close to the doorway, Janie squeezes Adam’s hand. “Told you I’d blow your mind tonight.”
Leanne smiles at Janie and Adam. Takes Adam’s free hand. Adam rolls with it. Lets the girls lead him out of the motel room.
“What’s the room number?” Janie asks.
From inside the party, Paul Nolan calls out, “One thirteen.”
Everyone laughs. Everyone cheers. Adam smiles at Janie, a little unsteady. “One thirteen,” he tells her.
“Well come on, Pizza Man,” she says, fixing Adam with the sexiest eyes he’s ever seen. “Lead the way.”
241.
Achievement Unlocked: Threesome.
242.
I mean, real talk? It’s not exactly porno-grade.
(Adam’s a virgin, after all.)
There’s a lot of fumbling with condoms. A lot of giggling. A lot of kissing and apologizing and giggling some more.
And it’s over all too soon, the first time.
(But the girls are too messed up to care.)
The second time, though, it lasts a little longer. And in between, Adam lies back and watches Janie and Leanne fool around and—
(tries not to think about Victoria)
—thinks about how awesome this is all going to sound when people at Nixon hear about it on Monday morning. How cool it’s going to sound on Twitter.
(#PizzaMan)
(#winning)
Thinks, If I wasn’t a god before, I am now.
(And pretty soon he’s ready to go again.)
243.
After the second time, the girls pass out. Adam lies there and stares up at the ceiling and thinks:
So that’s sex.
(What the hell’s all the fuss about?)
And thinks:
I just got lucky with two goddesses.
And thinks:
(There’s no way Victoria doesn’t hear about this.)
244.
The day after is deadly.
Adam and Janie and Leanne wake up sweaty and sticky and with killer hangovers. They take a shower together and fool around a little, but, you know, it’s morning. It’s daylight.
The magic’s kinda gone.
(Anyway, it’s not about the sex, really. It’s about the having sex. It’s about the losing your virginity. It’s about everyone in the party seeing you leave with Janie Ng and Leanne Grayson and knowing you’re god material. It’s about the Facebook updates, the tweets, the pictures on Instagram. It’s about every guy in the school wanting to be you and every girl in the school wondering what you have that make Janie Ng and Leanne Grayson want to do you.
It’s about the power. The prestige. It’s about the achievement.
The achievement happened. It’s over. Adam Higgs is the Man.)
(Adam Higgs feels fucking empty.)
They get dressed and check out, and Janie and Leanne call a cab. Adam waits with them outside the lobby, the big trucks roaring past on their way to the bridge. “We should do this again sometime,” Janie says.
Leanne laughs. “Seriously.”
“Next time I’ll be better,” Adam tells them.
The girls laugh. “We can teach you,” Janie says. “That’s what we’re here for.”
“Awesome,” Adam says. “Perfect.”
(Except it’s not awesome and perfect. It’s booze and drugs and two girls Adam hardly even knows. And there’s no satisfaction here, just this pathological need to keep going, keep moving, keep pushing the envelope. Keep winning, whatever the hell that means.
Still, Adam tells the girls he wants to see them again, because:)
(What guy says no to on-demand threesomes?)
The cab comes, and Adam kisses Leanne and Janie both good-bye—
(and enjoys the look of envy on the cab driver’s face)
—and then he walks to the bus stop and spends the rest of the day riding public transit in a hungover state, replaying the night’s events in his head and wondering why in the hell he doesn’t feel happier.
245.
By Monday morning, word’s got around.
Adam Higgs is the Man.
Everyone—
(everyone)
—knows about Janie and Leanne.
Adam Higgs is everywhere. Front-page news. The editor of the yearbook comes up to Adam at his locker, tells him he’s giving Pizza Man his own page in this year’s edition. Guys stop Adam in the hall, shake his hand, slap him five. Girls follow Adam with their eyes as he walks down the hall. Everyone wants to know Adam.
Everyone wants to hear the story.
Everyone’s talking.
Of course Victoria’s going to hear.
“Heard you got those hot chicks you were after,” she tells Adam. “Two at a time, even.”
Adam just kind of blinks and doesn’t say anything. It’s midafternoon between periods. He’s been numb since lunchtime. “Victoria,” he says finally. “Shit.”
“Good to know I didn’t mean that much to you after all,” Victoria says. She can’t meet his eyes.
“It’s not even like that,” Adam says. “I didn’t—”
Victoria pushes past him. “Have fun, Adam,” she says. “Don’t get any STDs.”
Then she’s gone.
And that’s pretty much the end of Adam and Victoria.
246.
Victoria Lemieux’s relationship status on Facebook goes from “It’s complicated” to “Single.”
Then she unfriends Adam.
Unfollows him on Twitter.
Blocks his texts.
Won’t take his calls.
It’s.
Over.
“Of course she’s pissed,” Steph says. “That stunt you pulled with Leanne and Janie was a real dick move, Adam.”
“What the hell,” Adam says. “We were broken up already.”
“Yeah, for like a week,” Steph says. “Not even. And then you had to go off and sleep with a couple of sluts like you didn’t even care about her.”
“Janie and Leanne aren’t sluts,” Adam says.
Steph gives him a look like he’s the dumbest kid in the world. “Adam. They had a threesome with you. In a Super 8.”
“Whatever,” Adam says. “We were broken up.”
“She loved you.”
“I loved her,” Adam says.
“Bullshit,” Steph tells him. “You love Paul Nolan and Sara Bryant and Jessie McGill. You love being loved.” She shakes her head. “There’s something wrong with you, Adam.”
“What am I supposed to do?” he says. “Torpedo my whole reputation?”
Steph rolls her eyes. “Of course not,” she says. “Just enjoy your popularity, I guess.”
“Thanks,” Adam tells her. “At least Sam will be happy for me.”
247.
This is it.
God mode.
The guys want to be you and the girls want to be with you.
This is Tony Montana in his mansion, Michelle Pfeiffer on his arm, a Porsche in the driveway, and a tiger in the yard.
(You watched the movie like you were supposed to, right?)
This is winning.
This is Pizza Man.
This is real life.
248.
Janie Ng and Leanne Grayson find Adam at his locker, Friday after school. Janie grabs his ass, sidles in close. “Got plans for the weekend?”
Adam shrugs. “Homework,” he says. “You know how it goes.”
It’s busy season. Midway through the term. Wayne and Lisa and Devon are busting their asses to keep up with the workload. And it’s not like Adam got much homework done on formal weekend.
(Neither did Wayne, for that matter. He comes up to Adam Monday morning at Cardigan’s.
“Holy shit, man,” he says. “I can’t believe that party. Did you really screw Janie Ng and Leanne Grayson at the same time?”
Adam shrugs. “I can’t really remember,” he says. “What about you? Did you get to fuck a popular kid?”
Wayne grins, sheepish. Looks down at the ground. “I took her to bed.”
“And?”
“And, well, we made out and stuff.” He blushes. “I didn’t have a condom, so we had to go find a condom, and then, well, by the time I got back to the room and stuff, well . . .”
Adam waits.
Wayne grins again, shakes his head. “By the time I got back, I was, you know.”
He shrugs. “I was too drunk to pump.”
Adam bursts out laughing. Can’t hold it in. Wayne doesn’t mind. He’s laughing too.
“Sara didn’t care too much,” he says. “She said I could make it up to her.”
Adam does a double-take. “Whoa. You’re seeing her again?”
“This weekend. She’s really nice. And hot.”
“That’s for sure,” Adam says.
“Not as hot as Janie and Leanne, though,” Wayne says. “That must have been a trip.”
“It was something,” Adam tells him. “Believe that.”)
(That was a really long sidebar. Sorry. The point is, Adam didn’t get anything done last weekend and neither did Wayne. So they both have some serious catching up to do. Except Janie and Leanne are here at Adam’s locker, looking at him like they have something better in mind.)
“My parents are out of town,” Janie tells him.
Leanne giggles. “They have a water bed,” she says.
Adam looks at the girls. They’re still smoking hot. They’re still goddesses. He’s got homework piled up. But what guy turns down Janie Ng and Leanne Grayson?
Fuck it, Adam thinks. “I’m in.”
Janie grins. “Rest up, tiger.” She kisses him. Lots of tongue. “You have a long weekend ahead of you.”
249.
“A threesome,” Sam says. “Holy shit.”
They’re out for pizza. Pepperoni, extra cheese, and a pitcher of Coca-Cola.
(Adam’s taking a little bit of a party break.)
Sam pours himself more Coke and chews thoughtfully. He’s not as excited as Adam figured he would be. Not as impressed.
“How’d Victoria take it?” Sam wants to know.
Adam looks around the restaurant. There’s some runty kid with a pockmarked face clearing tables. He looks sad. He looks pathetic.
He looks a little bit like Adam.
(Pizza Man.)
Adam shakes his head. Looks at Sam. “Jesus Christ,” he says. “Why is everyone always asking me about Victoria?”
250.
After their second or third time together, Leanne Grayson opts out of the threesome.
Ménage à trois becomes ménage à deux.
/> “Someone called her a slut in the hall,” Janie tells Adam. “Some senior bitch. She doesn’t want to, you know, get a reputation.”
“Oh,” Adam says. “Shit.”
Janie grins. “Anyway, she knows you like me better,” she says. “She didn’t want to be a third wheel.”
“Right,” Adam says.
“Enough talking.” Janie reaches for Adam. Pulls on his zipper. “Come here, Pizza Man.”
251.
“What’s wrong?” Janie says.
They’re on her parents’ water bed. Janie’s in some sexy black bra and panties. She’s smoking hot. She’s DTF. But Adam’s, uh . . .
(“This usually never happens.”)
(“It’s not you, it’s me.”)
(“Sorry.”)
Adam’s distracted.
(Adam doesn’t want to be here.)
(Adam’s sick of this.)
(Adam wants Victoria.)
“Sorry,” Adam tells Janie. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
Janie frowns. The water bed jiggles beneath her. Janie jiggles too. Adam watches her. Thinks,
What the hell is wrong with me?
Janie reaches over the side of the bed. Comes back with a little baggie of pills and a smile. “This’ll help you,” she says. “Take one of these and let me blow your mind again.”
Adam looks at her. Looks at the pills.
Adam thinks, If I wuss out now and she tells the whole school I couldn’t make it happen, I’ll never live it down.
(Don’t you fucking dare.)
Adam says, “Let me see those pills.”
Janie hands over the baggie.
Janie giggles.
252.
The pills help. Within a half hour, Adam’s floating on a cloud. Janie’s floating beside him. She’s still wearing that sexy black underwear—
(until she isn’t)
—and every time she touches Adam it feels like a sparkler. He stops thinking about Victoria. He stops thinking about homework.
He enjoys the ride.
How to Win at High School Page 16
